Tag Archive for: self-worth

Personal Transformation in 2022: What are You Harmonizing With?

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transformationThe transformational story of caterpillar to winged butterfly has arguably become an overused and often abused analogy for rebirth. Yet, the crux of the journey is neither the caterpillar nor the butterfly, but the dissolution and uncertainty in the void of the chrysalis.

The messy process of transformation, the surrender of what has been for what will come, both terrifies and excites us. As humans, we face uncertainty in the transformation journey many times in our cycles of personal growth.

It is partially the willingness to go the liminal place of uncertainty that determines our capacity for personal evolution.

We also face a challenging matter the caterpillar does not: how resistant the human ego can be when it comes to letting go of who we have perceived ourselves to be, and the worth and value we have attached to it.

Separate Your Worth From Your Roles

Identity, according to Psychology Today, “encompasses the memories, experiences, relationships, and values that create one’s sense of self.”

In her book Warrior Goddess Training: Become the Woman You Are Meant to Be, Heather Ash Amara speaks to how we often attach value or self-worth to the roles we play within our lives. Any role that we identify with, no matter how valuable it may be to our sense of self, also becomes a too narrow script to ultimately live in.

A role can range anything from a “loving mother” to a “successful executive” to a “good friend” to a “resilient entrepreneur.”

We tend to have a script for every role we play, one that was often written before us. How you perceive yourself and how others perceive you can become a trap. Being stuck to being something you have been proud to identify with can be as much of a cage as being boxed into a role that you never asked for, if you have to keep acting out the script of that role to feel worthiness.

If you’ve attached to the image of being a world traveler, you might buy a ticket when you truly crave a home. You may not even be able to admit to yourself that you crave a home. If you’re attached to being a loving mother, perhaps your script does not include taking the personal break you really need. If you’ve attached your worth to being a good friend, you may have written yourself into a contract of being available more than what is now kind to you.

In order to be free to move authentically in our lives between roles, to both redefine who we are and to expand, we must be able to release ourselves from any script we’ve attached our worth and value to.

So take stock of the roles you are playing:

  • What roles have you currently attached some sense of worth or value to?
  • What is the script you have defined for each?
  • What worth do you derive from playing these roles?

When it comes to change, we have to be willing to question where we have displaced our sense of worth. We rather come to source it from our inherent selves and sometimes tear up or simply re-envision our scripts to fit who we are now.

As Brené Brown often speaks to, we have to stop hustling for our worthiness, which ultimately comes from shame and fear we are not enough. We must realize, as Meggan Watterson writes, “Worth is not given, it’s claimed.”

From a place of knowing our inherent worth, we give ourselves permission to shed who we have been without losing our sense of value in the world, and more importantly, our connection to ourselves.

Harmonize To Where You Want To Be

Inside of personal change, there is often a time of dissolution between a previous reality and the one that you are moving towards. And while you might not be able to see it, you can still harmonize towards where your inner awareness is taking you.

Imaginal cells are like the blank slate of the becoming inside the chrysalis. The caterpillar is gone. Possibility exists. At first, imaginal cells operate like disconnected islands and appear to be a threat to the organism. It is only once enough imaginal cells begin to vibrate at the intrinsic tune of butterfly and communicate with each other that they reach the tipping point of collectively becoming the butterfly.

Often, a time of transformation does involve re-imagining our lives. It’s not only new outcomes we might envision, but begins with our beliefs about ourselves, others and how the world works, as these are often shaping the reality we are operating within. If all the cells still vibrated at caterpillar, the change would never occur.

As Joe Dispenza writes in Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, “a state of being means we have become familiar with a mental-emotional state, a way of thinking and a way of feeling, which has become an integral part of our self-identity.”

Just as with roles, the truth is that we can derive worth and value and reward from our limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world, even if that value is the ability to stay comfortable inside of our limitations. We must not only be able to see the pattern, but desire to evolve, by actively challenging the more well-oiled perceptual pathways within so that we shift to and harmonize at a new level. As we begin to do this, we notice change begins to happen.

In her book How To Do The Work, Dr. Nicole LePera, also known as “The Holistic Psychologist”, shares her writing practice of leaning into growth through her Future Self Journaling prompts she used to ground new experiences in her body.

For the new experience she wishes to cultivate (eg restoring balance to her nervous system), LePera writes what she is practicing today, why she is grateful to be practicing it, what she is doing, how will she know when she is doing it and what the change will allow her to feel.

This journaling practice is a way to resonate more with the woman she is becoming and with the balanced nervous system she wishes to cultivate. Often we need to practice not only thinking in the direction we are moving, but feeling into it. This act of attention is infusing the conversations happening within the cells with a new way of being within the body.

Even when we don’t know our next big landing place, we can often feel the internal pull to evolve from within even as we must overcome ourselves, just as the being in the chrysalis must release the caterpillar to the open possibility of the imagination of cells.

Are you able to release yourself from the bounds of roles in which you have previously cast your worth? Are you able to harmonize more of your feelings and thoughts and actions with the being you can feel you are becoming?

In the uncertainty of the chrysalis and transition within a human life, this may look like nothing. But little by little, these small practices become the change.

By Aimee Hansen

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11 Tips From Latina Leaders on Self-Confidence and Self-Promotion

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Latina leadersAs part of celebrating Hispanic Heritage, The Glass Hammer covers career insights and tips shared by Latina Leaders in business whom we’ve had the fortune to interview over the years.

In this retrospective two-part feature, we’ve mined the best experience-based guidance across our profile interviews with Latina leaders. As the theme of authenticity, self-confidence and self-promotion have been emphasized again and again, we focus entirely on facets of this critical message for part one of this feature.

1. Claim Your Self-Worth Early In The Game

Entering an industry or an organization where too few people look like you can be challenging, but there is never a more important moment to believe in yourself and claim your worth, emphasized Ivelisse Rodriguez Simon, Managing Partner at Avante Capital Partners.

“I wish I had known from the start of my career that I should have more confidence in myself,” said Rodriguez Simon. “Over time I’ve realized that you should never doubt your own capabilities. There may be obstacles, but you can do it. With a lot of luck, hard work and great mentors I’ve made it in this industry, which is hard for women, especially minority women.”

Update: Ivelisse Rodriguez Simon remains in this position, now with Avante Capital Partners for nearly 13 years.

2. Embrace All of Who You Are

Finding an authentic sense of self is essential for all women, but especially for young Latina women just starting out in their career, impressed Yvonne Garcia, as Senior Vice President and Global Head of Client Solutions, Investment Manager Services at State Street Corporation.

“It is critical to realize that the diversity of thought and cultural experiences that you bring are so valuable to organizations. Embrace who you are, make sure you find mentors and sponsors that will help you develop and grow as a leader,” advised Garcia. “Get involved in volunteer organizations like ALPFA where you will be able to grow and give back at the same time.”

Update: Yvonne Garcia was promoted to Chief of Staff to CEO at State Street in January 2019.

3. Stay Authentic To Your Truth

In tech for over two decades, Rocio Lopez, as IT Executive at Accenture, realized at a deeper level from Accenture’s Hispanic American Employee Resource Group (ERG) that she needed to be authentic about what she brought to the table as a talented Hispanic technologist.

Both passionate about advancing diversity and leading Latinx American talent attraction initiatives, Lopez said: “The one piece of advice I would give to anyone is to be authentic. For the longest time, I was trying to run in a different size shoe – actually a male size 8. It wasn’t until I met my ERG family that I realized I like my 7.5 size red high heels.”

Update: Now with Accenture for over 26 years, Rocio Lopez was promoted to Technology Strategy Lead NA Education Practice in January 2020.

4. Allow Your Unique Personality To Shine

By allowing her unique self to shine through, Laura Sanchez, Managing Director, Private Wealth Management at Goldman Sachs, found that she was better able to form more impactful bonds with clients and colleagues that helped to create a more fulfilling career.

“When you’re new – and I had also switched industries – you may be anxious about fitting in and looking like everyone else or acting like everyone else. But trying too hard to fit in can stifle who you are. To not be yourself for the majority of your day creates a lot of stress,” Sanchez reflected. “When I’ve been true to myself and let my own light shine through, that’s when I’ve been my best. That’s when I think the success started.”

Update: Laura Sanchez remains in this position, now with Goldman Sachs for over 27 years.

5. Become A Supportive Friend to Yourself

Believing that women had many advantages in the area of dispute resolution, including the ability to appreciation a situation from multiple perspectives, Ximena Herrera-Bernal, as Counsel in the International Arbitration Group at Shearman & Sterling, London, urged women to encourage the truth of their own voice in the room.

“It is imperative to believe in your abilities and to make your views appropriately known,” Herrera-Bernal said.“ When you’re doubting yourself, imagine that you are giving advice to a female friend who is experiencing the same issues. Then listen to your own advice.”

Update: After 16 years with Shearman & Sterling, Ximena Herrera has gone on to be a Founding Partner in Gaillard Banifatemi Shelbaya (GBS) Disputes.

6. Let Your Difference Empower Your Voice

The very thing that once inhibited you from using your voice is often what validates its importance, asserted Noelle Ramirez, Project Manager, Diversity, Equity & Inclusion at PGIM.

“I bring to the table my lived and learned experience as a woman, a lesbian woman, a Hispanic woman,” said Ramirez.“ The things that kept me quiet in the room before are the things making me speak the loudest in the Diversity, Equity & Inclusion space.”

Update: Interviewed earlier this year, Noelle Ramirez remains in this position, with PGIM for nearly 2.5 years.

7. Be Forward About Owning Your Work

It was a decade into her career before Paula Arrojo, Managing Director and Private Wealth Advisor, Investment Management at Goldman Sachs, figured out that she had to match her hard work with her self-promotion.

“Women often expect that if you work really hard you’ll be noticed and rewarded. But they need to realize how important it is to let the right people know what they’re working on and what they want next – what team, what clients,” Arrojo said. “If you want to go for it, you have to position yourself to have that credibility. Had I known to be more strategic in this area earlier, I would have saved a lot of time getting to where I am.”

Update: Paula Arrojo remains in this position, now with Goldman Sachs for 21 years.

8. Beyond Your Role, Build Your Personal Brand

After watching too many women voice their great idea only after the meeting finished, inhibiting their success from their hesitation to speak up, Patricia McCarthy, Managing Director at Goldman Sachs, emphasized the importance of being proactively seen and heard.

“When you have good ideas, you need to voice them and add value. Remember that your job is to contribute to your team, and that entails being confident and pushing yourself beyond what your perceived role is,” McCarthy noted. “More than achieving a title or promotion, my biggest source of pride is establishing a personal brand as an individual who can improve a process.”

Update: Patricia McCarthy remains in this position, now with Goldman Sachs for over 17 years.

9. Be Your Own Best Advocate

When it comes to advancing as you become more senior, Grissel Mercado, as Counsel at Shearman & Sterling LLP, emphasized you have to go beyond focusing on doing excellent work and build a profile.

“Young attorneys tend to focus on delivering excellent work, which is important, but also expected. You also have to seek out opportunities to network,” said Mercado. “Nobody is a better advocate for you than yourself. Women need to take more initiative. If you’re talking with the team before a call, mention a success, just as a man would.”

Update: With the firm for 14 years, Grissel Mercado was appointed to Partner at Shearman & Sterling LLP.

10. Self-Promote To The Leaders Above You

Take the shame out of self-promotion and instead learn how to do it by doing it, emphasized Ilka Vázquez, Advisory Partner at PwC US.

“I think it’s ok to brag a little about your impact and what you’re bringing to the table. We assume someone is noticing our great work and will reward us, but the reality is that you can speed up the process if you talk about your success to people who are influential,” Vázquez noted. “Your elevator speech gets better the more you give it and can help you establish a personal brand.”

Update: Ilka Vázquez remains in this position, now with PwC for 11 years.

11. Know That You Are Ready (Enough!)

Opportunity is the chance to grow into the role, communicated Neddy Perez, as Global Head of Diversity & Inclusion, Talent Management COE at McCormick & Company.

“Women are still socialized to put their heads down and work hard with the hope that someone will recognize your success. The reality is you have to become your own best advocate. As long as you feel comfortable with 70% of requirements of a job then go for it,” encouraged Perez. “No one is ever 100% ready for their next job; we just have to get comfortable with asking for what we want and going for it.”

Update: Neddy Perez remains in this position, now with McCormick & Company for nearly 3 years.

Look out next week for part two of this series on wisdom and insight from Latina leaders in business over the years.

By Aimee Hansen

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Three Ways to Move Into The Self-Care of Thriving

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Self-CareAs we hit the midpoint of the year and get into summer, let’s take a break from going through the motions to re-evaluate and practice self-care: what do you need to do for yourself to restore and regenerate?

Too much of self-care talk focuses on topping up the energy you have depleted so you can survive the daily grind. Self-care is not really about getting by, but committing to yourself and your authenticity so you can thrive.

Prioritizing self-care is about restoring your energy and your connection within, so that life becomes more energy-generative.

Here are three ways to practice self-care so you can feel more alive in your skin:

1. Get Back Into Relationship With Your Body

How often have you overrode your body’s messages – be it forgoing rest, healthy food or physical activity – while striving to do everything else that seemed ‘more important’? Women are especially prone to burnout at work and the long hours game has a disproportionally damaging effect on women’s health.

Overvaluing the mental urge towards productivity while disconnecting from our physical bodies moves us away from health and the feminine wisdom of our bodies. When you lose intimacy with your body, you lose the ability to access gut feelings, intuition and valuable emotional guidance.

As Stephen Covey would put it in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you also make the mistake of prioritizing production at the expense of nurturing your production capability, which is only good for short-terms external wins but ultimately exhausts your ability to show up, especially for yourself.

This summer, really get into your body. Not just as a means to another end, such as running off the stress or shedding pounds. And don’t just recharge your body: you were not born to be a battery. Moving your body is not the same as being in a listening relationship with your body. Instead, re-attune to your body. Restore the connection with self, starting here.

Consider a yin yoga class, a restorative yoga class or perhaps 5 rhythms dance. Or let the sun pour in through your skin for twenty minutes. Do something new or slow or fast that brings your awareness back to the simplicity of your ‘being’ and the innate guidance of your body.

Your ‘doing’ will only benefit from bringing it into balance with your ‘being.’

2. Experience “Immersive” Time

“We wake up in the morning and we say, ‘I didn’t get enough sleep.’ And we hit the pillow saying, ‘I didn’t get enough done,’” says Brené Brown.

We conduct our busy work lives in linear time, which helps gives rise to the cultural narrative of scarcity, and the persistent feeling that you can never do enough. But the one-way march of time is just one left-brained frame for experience where we often end up “hustling for our worth,” as Brown puts it.

The seasons of nature and the physiology of the female reproductive body reveal the right-brained frame of cyclical time. What psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi describes as a state of Flow and the Greeks called kairos is yet another experience of time that is alive, creative, connected and synergistic.

“Chronos is clocks, deadlines, watches, calendars, agendas, planners, schedules, beepers…Kairos is transcendence, infinity, reverence, joy, passion, love, the Sacred… We exist in chronos. We long for kairos. That’s our duality,” writes Sarah Ban Breathnach, in her NYT bestseller Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. “Chronos requires speed so that it won’t be wasted. Kairos requires space so that it might be savored. We do in chronos. In kairos we’re allowed to be. It takes only a moment to cross over from chronos into kairos, but it does take a moment. All that kairos asks is our willingness to stop running long enough to hear the music of the spheres.”

This summer, drop into immersive time more often. A key quality is that the experience of presence and participation themselves are the reward of this time, not the result.

Perhaps it’s getting lost in adventures with your family or a deep conversation. Perhaps it’s a long walk or drive in nature. Reading a book. Cooking a homemade meal. Dancing or painting or writing or meditation or playing an instrument. Whatever activity makes you forget both yourself and the world because you are so inside of it, that’s the gold.

In a feminine sense of creativity, we do not forgo self-care in order to labor ‘at all costs’ for what is, relative to our health, an abstract outcome. We value and care for ourselves throughout the process as the experience is the creation. Tapping into immersive time increase your well-being, your creativity and your productivity, too.

3. Rediscover How To Use Your “No”

Halfway through the year is a good time to step back and ask where your time and energy is going and whether it’s adding up to create fulfilling meaning for you, rather than just ticking off your list or other’s needs.

As in Covey’s famous time management matrix, are you steadily putting energy and resource into the Quadrant 2 area of “not urgent but important” in your life? This is often the hardest area to devote yourself to when life pulls from all directions, so take a break to get an overview of your energy investment relative to your real values and desires.

More than ever, our energy is susceptible to be whittled away by low importance matters of false urgency, as 24/7 responsiveness and social media addiction has become normalized. Look at the hours you’ve spent on the phone in a day and ask if you deposited anything in the investment bank of your heart? How much was truly connection and how much was distraction?

When our commitments, as demonstrated by habit, are not aligned with our values-based desires, we begin to feel the pain of disconnection with self.

Realignment of energy with values is going to require emotional attuning.

One question that can be useful is to ask: What is the one thing I am getting angry/resentful for not doing? If you’re giving all your energy away except to the thing that’s really important to you, you will begin to feel like the world is crashing in on your personal boundaries. Now, how can you choose time to prioritize what you yearn for? Can you let discipline come from love?

As part of trauma exploration, Gabor Maté, M.D. talks about how most of us ‘wisely’ adapted to give up our authenticity for attachment as children. But when we continue to forgo our authentic needs, due to the stories and guilt we’ve cultivated, it causes stress, suffering and disease. He asserts that if you can’t say ‘no’, your body will.

According to Maté, women have a harder time saying no and suffer the health consequences. One essential step in self-care, and restoring your authenticity, is relearning how to give an authentic ‘no’ – whether in work or personal life.

Maté suggests to ask the following questions around saying ‘no’:

  • Where in my life do I have difficulty saying no?
  • What story did I tell myself about why I couldn’t say no?
  • Is that story really true?
  • What is the impact on myself when I don’t say no?
Thrive, Not Survive

This summer, think about self-care not as a way to survive the grind of your life, but to step a little further into thrive, whatever that authentically means for you!

By: Aimee Hansen

Note: We are taking a publishing break and our own advice and we will see you on Monday 12th July, and remember we have over 5000 articles to read in the archives if you are missing our cutting edge career insights!

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Anna Salek: Partner, Private Client Team Leader, Shearman & Sterling LLC

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Anna Salek“Junior level women lawyers sometimes ask me for career advice, and I find the reoccurring theme is that they do not have a good understanding of their professional value,” says Anna Salek. “Very often, women grossly underestimate their value.”

Salek talks about her genuine appreciation for cutting-edge legal work, the growth in a lateral move, the two-way street of value and daring to do what scares you.

The Gratification of Top-Tier Work

“I get immense satisfaction from solving complex problems,” says Salek, who enjoys tackling legal issues that perhaps no other firm has been able to solve sufficiently or that have never before even been considered.

As the private client team leader at Shearman & Sterling with over 20 years of direct experience, Salek works with high-net-worth individuals and families to meet their wide range of legal needs and specializes the areas of trust and estates, tax planning and not-for-profit law.

“I am lucky to work at a top-tier firm like Shearman where the clients are interesting and the legal work is challenging,” she says. “I love the cutting-edge work where often there’s no precedent and the client is relying on my judgment and experience.”

Salek joined Shearman in early 2019 to lead their private client team and was drawn there by the firm’s rich history, impressive client base and dynamic women.

Be Willing to Move To Expand

“I think women, more than men, are more prone to say, ‘they’ve been so good to me here’ and view moving on to another firm as being disloyal or ungrateful. Well, that’s fine that they’ve been good to you – they should be good to you,” says Salek. “But you should also be good to yourself and not be shy about exploring other opportunities.”

While the practice of trusts and estates is generally gender diverse, it is more often men who head up the practice, so replacing C. Jones Perry at Shearman when he retired as team leader was a strong leap ahead for women in leadership in law.

“I was very dedicated and happy at another top-tier-firm where I grew up as a lawyer, and I stayed there for a long time. But moving to another firm made me a better lawyer as it allowed me to grow in different directions than I otherwise would have,” says Salek. “Making a lateral move can help you grow professionally, but equally as important, you are bringing value to your new firm by contributing your own unique skills, experience and perspective.”

“I’m not suggesting women should job hop or even leave their job, but I do think everyone should consider it from time to time – even if only to confirm how good you have it. Men change firms more frequently than women, and it’s not a bad thing. With each move you’re not only likely to increase your compensation, but it’s also a huge personal and professional growth opportunity.”

Know Your Self-Worth

On a similar thread, the guidance that Salek consistently emphasizes to junior level women lawyers is to value themselves as professionals.

“You are valuable to your firm. It’s not just a one-way street. I find that women sometimes almost can’t hear that,” iterates Salek. “They’re reluctant to ask for anything—equity, more compensation. a flexible work schedule, for example – or give themselves credit. Reminding women of their professional contributions to their firm is what I end up doing in almost every single one of those conversations.”

The Relationship Side of Private Client Work

On top of being challenged by the academic intricacies of her practice area, Salek loves the client interaction and deep relationships involved in her area of law. She enjoys working with individuals and families, many of whom have been long-term generational clients of the firm.

“The clients I work with tend to be extremely interesting people,” says Salek, for whom “field trips” to clients’ homes and offices are as much a part of her job as being behind her desk.

“When people invite you into the world of their personal finances, they inevitably invite you into their family and personal lives,” says Salek who feels that women especially thrive in cultivating relationships and trust.

“Not only do you have to be a proficient lawyer, you need to be personable and trustworthy. There’s just an element of being trusted that’s not something you can learn and that quality has helped me a lot, second certainly to really knowing what I’m doing,” she says. “I have clients who are women who have said they picked me because they prefer to work with a woman, and I have had male clients who say the same thing.”

Do What Scares You

“My advice to junior lawyers would be: don’t shy away from things that intimidate you. In fact, seek them out. Do something that scares you every day,” Salek says. “I’m not talking about skydiving. I’m talking about challenging yourself. Don’t like public speaking? Do a webinar, go sit on a panel. Don’t think you know enough about something? Help a client with that particular issue or publish an article about it. Shy? Invite someone you would like to get to know or learn from for lunch or coffee.”

Salek credits her own integration of this advice for having made her into a more confident lawyer today.

”I feel women especially don’t like to be outside of their comfort zone, but that’s the only place where you can grow,” she says. “It’s really important to push your own boundaries.”

Practicing Work-Life Integration

A rewarding aspect of her work has been the pro bono cases where Salek has been able to champion people and organizations in critical financial wins, where she sometimes gets as involved in interpersonal dynamics as with her private clients.

Salek finds that for her, work enters home life and home life enters work, so she embraces the work-life integration approach of keeping both in even keel, rather than “the two-iPhone approach” of work-life balance, which she feels is a false separation of parts of life that live inside of the same universe.

She is married with two teenagers, a daughter of 16 and a son of 14, and notes one silver lining of the pandemic is that people who were technology-resistant have been forced to embrace technology, opening up more remote working possibilities.

Salek is an avid, hands-in-the-dirt gardener. Her favorite season is spring, and she finds that “observing the earth awakening is so good for the soul.”

By Aimee Hansen

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Why a Women’s Retreat Is Not Really About Getting Away

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women's retreatWhile it might seem strange to say this as a women’s retreat creator and facilitator, no woman ever needs a retreat. A retreat is not an endpoint. What every single woman absolutely needs is herself. A retreat is just one way a woman sets her own feet on a path back to herself.

While a week away offers a break, in my experience a woman rarely goes on retreat just to step away from her life. Instead, the underlying motivation is often the opposite—a restless desire to step into her voice, and into her own life, more fully.

What a woman often yearns for is a big, wide open space away from the status quo routine and constant noise to listen inwards and reconnect to her inner truth, to catalyze the internal momentum to clarify and heed what she hears, and perhaps to surround herself in an atmosphere of support that will validate and even magnify her voice.

Cyclical Time and Cyclical Rebirth

In the day-in, day-out focus on “doing” in life, it can be easy to move through the motions, stay close with the inertia of our current trajectory and just keep going. But from the physiology of our bodies to the seasons of nature—with the continuous cycle of birth, bloom, death and rebirth—a feminine sense of time is not linear, but cyclical time.

So that moment arrives, yet again, when what once created personal meaning or fulfillment no longer animates us. Or perhaps a key role or circumstance is stripped away, and the sense of value and safety we derived disappears with it. Or perhaps we just sense our “stuckedness” and discontent, though we can’t put a finger on what needs to change. We are asked to meet ourselves all over again.

We repeatedly come to a kind of crossroads with self, and we are supposed to. We ache to shed a skin, to break out of the limitations of a fixed identity, to evolve into our next adventure or creation—even if we cannot yet know what that looks like or how it will show up or take form.

The openness to listen to our own voice and allow ourselves the life-giving force of staying true to our inner truth — to move with it as it shifts—is part of the ever-unfolding path of personal evolution, and reflects feminine integrity, even if at times it renders us somewhat unrecognizable to our former self.

Whether we will be asked to make changes inside or outside, and often both, we come to realize the deadening feeling of ignoring our own voice is far more dangerous to our well-being than avoiding the fear of change. We are nudged towards the necessary discomfort, and often uncertainty, that comes with growth, like metaphorical labor pains in the cycle of our own rebirth.

Catalysts For A Crossroads Moment

In her best-selling book Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live, Dr. Martha Beck speaks to three kinds of catalytic events that can cause a re-evaluation of life and transform your self-definition:

  • Shock—A sudden external event that rattles your way of life to the core. Not all shocks are “negative”, but they are a sudden and fundamental change. We have been inside of the collective sustained shock of the pandemic for over a year now. I know few women that have not also faced big questions in her personal sphere amidst the collective spin.
  • Opportunity—An external “lucky break” comes in some way that offers the opportunity to take a big leap towards an adventure that your “essential self” wants to live out. Because it’s an opportunity, not forced, it brings up the dilemma of whether you’re willing to leap.
  • Transition—When the desire for change arises purely from within, a slow brew of dissonance with your currently reality becomes eventually intolerable. An internal transition requires feeling your “negative” feelings rather than numbing or running away from them, as well as acknowledging and validating your thoughts, preferences and desires too.

Transitions require a willingness to give credence to your inner voice. Transitions can only be self-validated, which necessitates emotional courage, as others may not understand your changes or decisions, and sometimes, until you get through it, you may even struggle to explain them to yourself.

Reconnecting With Your Voice

“We’re often blind to what creates our limits and blocks,” writes Nicki Gilmour, CEO and Founder, Evolved People (theglasshammer.com). “We all have goals, but we need to surface our subconscious gremlins, who are trying to thwart are best-laid plans for change by creating hidden competing agendas.”

When we seek to reconnect with our voice, we often find that unconscious limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns are holding more sway in our lives than we realized, even if we have visited them before. Unexamined, they will run us in a circle of repetitive limited experience so that even as the characters and stages change, the familiar plot wears itself out in our interactions and relationships.

Just as time is not only linear, emotional and spiritual growth also does not happen in a straight line, however. The growth of becoming conscious of limiting beliefs and patterns often feels like a spiral outwards, returning to familiar themes in new iterations with a little more distance from the red-hot center of pain. We begin to hold increased perspective, as both experiencer and witness, and a greater ability to respond rather than be highjacked by emotional reactivity.

Sometimes, as explored in Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal The Heart by Tara Bennet Goldman, entire schemas or lenses of skewed perception are at play which require the piercing light of our conscious awareness, if only to open up the 1/4 second opportunity of choice in what we do with how we feel.

We can also question and rewrite the narratives through which we tell the stories about ourselves, those around us and our lives. We come to find that we all have deep stories through which we shape our stories and through which we write our lives, but they do not need to be set in stone.

If we are open and fundamentally teachable as a student to life, we will keep unfolding ourselves to reveal more of who we are. Life opens up relative to how receptive to our own tender being, with all her feelings and all her contradictions and all her needs, we are willing to be.

Ultimately, stepping into our voice comes down to self-allowance and not trying to constantly earn our value through the endless outcome-focused “doing” of the patriarchal paradigm, but rather claiming our inherent self-worth.

We surround ourselves with others who can remind us should we forget, because unlike the mythical solo journey, a tenet of the “heroine’s journey” is to recognize support is available from soulful allies along the road.

Walking Back Towards Yourself

When you come again to a crossroads of self; when you reach a moment where you can no longer distract, ignore,  or downplay your feelings, needs or intuition; when you can neither watch yourself hustle for approval nor conspire against your own deeper desires; when you will no longer believe in a culturally-defined success if it isn’t also aligned with your own truth—then, you step through a new doorway.

What you find is more of who you are waiting there, if only you are willing to receive her, if only you are ready to follow her wherever she may take you. When our value is self-possessed, we are free to be and move and create, from the inside-out.

To me, a women’s retreat is never about that one week you stepped away from your life. It’s not really about getting away, but getting in. It’s about walking back towards yourself and stepping further into the truth of who you are.

In addition to lead writer for theglasshammer, Aimee Hansen is the Creator of Storyteller Within Retreats, Lonely Planet Wellness Escapes recommended women’s self-exploration retreats focused on connecting with your embodied inner voice, through writing, yoga, movement and more, to animate your unique expression. Her next luxury retreat event on Lake Atitlan, Guatemala takes place July 31st – August 9th, 2021 with 12 spaces available.

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Nneka Orji: Chief Operating Officer, Morrinson Wealth Management, UK

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“So many outcomes are often the result of sometimes small decisions that aren’t constructively challenged with another perspective,” says Nneka Orji, who is willing to be that voice in the room.

Nneka speaks to speaking up when it’s uncomfortable, why mentoring is a key part of people management, and the value of knowing who you are.

From Consulting to COO

After acquiring a Masters of Engineering degree from Oxford, Nneka went into consulting in 2010, first with Accenture and then with Deloitte UK.

Born in India and having grown up across Nigeria, France, Trinidad and the UK, Nneka loved the variety of working with different people and cultures to address diverse problems at a challenging pace.

She earned frequent promotions across her ten year stint in management consulting. As she kept learning, the lifestyle of business travel suited her.

During her time at Deloitte UK, she did a secondment as Chief of Staff for the Chairman’s office. Considering him her first sponsor—a leader who cared, pushed and supported— Nneka gained insight into the mechanics of being in an influential position, running a large organization and interacting with leaders.

She joined Morrinson Wealth Management as Chief Operating Officer in 2019. Nneka highlights that it’s a misconception that she works only with people with great wealth. Often she’s working with clients who are trying to make the earnings they have work best for them.

“They’re trying to plan ahead and look at: How can I make the most of what I’m earning? How do I build a life that’s in line with what I want to deliver for my family, for my loved ones?” she says. “Giving them the financial education, awareness and savviness to manage their own finances and to live the lives they want is really fulfilling.”

Daring the Discomfort of Using Her Voice

While accustomed from school and engineering to being in male-dominated environments and often the only black person in the room, let alone black female, Nneka says that the playing field of financial services has still compelled her to thicken her skin, become more assertive and use her voice.

Several times, she has braved speaking up in a tough moment—both in support of fairness for others and for herself.

Nneka recalls one compelling example from her consulting days when she was in a meeting focused on the consideration of candidates for promotion. When she heard more senior colleagues vaguely describe why a certain female manager was not ready for promotion—such as from a “gut feel” or because of “cultural fit”—she challenged her seniors to be specific, direct and transparent.

“I said, ‘Why is it gut feel? Why do you think she’s not ready? Have you actually given her feedback?’” says Nneka, recalling they hadn’t. “I said, ‘It’s not fair on that individual to give these vague responses. We need to be really clear. She wants to progress. If there’s concern, it’s only right that we tell her, rather than effectively leading her on.”

“I was definitely challenging beyond the point they were comfortable, and I walked out of the room knowing I had pushed,” she recalls. “It’s not that I had anything to gain personally, but I felt that it’s only fair to everyone to have someone to speak for them, on their behalf. If I was in her situation, who would stand up for me?”

While she could have deferred to her senior colleagues, Nneka chose a clear conscience. Nneka reflects the discomfort was likely because she was touching on affinity bias or another elephant in the room that may have been unconscious, but so often proliferates the status quo.

“These kind of decisions affect people’s careers, successes and progressions, how much they’ll get paid and how much they can save and invest and so on,” states Nneka.

Speaking up for herself, Nneka has stood her ground amidst men twenty years her senior, only to earn their respect from her work. She also once directly expressed disappointment in a senior partner’s response and leadership when after three years of working for him, she approached him to talk an issue with one very difficult female client and his immediate suggestion was she must have done something wrong to invite the conflict.

“I feel it’s important to make sure it’s clear what you will stand or what you are willing to accept, in terms of basic respect,” says Nneka.

Supporting Others To See Their Potential

“I haven’t had formal mentors to be very honest,” says Nneka, though she has leaders to bounce perspectives off of. “But you can put together the strong points that you see in different leaders and create almost your own fictional mentor in that way.”

She’s inspired to emulate the leaders whom she looked forward to working with—who pushed her in the best way and with whom she came to learn more about herself and her abilities.

“I do see mentoring as a core part of managing, because you can manage as a task manager and the tasks will get done,” Nneka notes. “But what I’m trying to do is to be an inspiring leader. I try to instil a sense of raising aspirations; maybe a team member started their career thinking this was your limit, but actually they have so much more potential, if they want to do more.”

Nneka values communication and saying or hearing it like it is, so nobody suffers in silence while their needs go unknown.

When Nneka took on managing others, she didn’t realize how rewarding it would be. “When a team member comes and says I’ve developed so much over the past year because of your influence, it gives me a strong sense of fulfillment.

Nneka has been a formal mentor for over a decade, with the Social Mobility Foundation, working with graduate mentees with a socially or economically challenged background, and also with the Cherie Blair Foundation For Women, working with entrepreneurial women in countries like India or Kenya or Israel.

These experiences have enriched her so much, she also considers them “reverse mentoring”.

“I like to see how different people think and how different people’s life experiences have shaped who they are, and how that informs their thinking,” says Nneka. “There’s something about learning about someone else’s perspective on life, and being open to finding out something that you might not have known. That’s the thing I love the most.”

Knowing Who You Are

Nneka feels her support system, both her family and working with people who have her best interests at heart and gave her a platform, has supported her fast growth.

She recommends being “intentional about choosing who you work with”—seeking out people who accept you for yourself and push you in a good way while having your back.

She feels that early on, her parents helped her to know who she was, down to pointing out the reality that she would often be unique in the room—as a black female in the schools she was in, and in her working life, especially as she moves up in leadership.

“Some people would say you shouldn’t necessarily point out or emphasize the difference,” reflects Nneka, “but I think it was so helpful in terms of me knowing who I was and who I am, and being true to myself. Of course I wasn’t always as confident in this respect and I’ve grown a lot since, but being comfortable in your own skin, in terms of your own history and culture, is critical. As long as you know who you are, you know your motivations, your boundaries and you make decisions in line with these.”

Nneka has worked some long hours, and suspects that subconsciously she has been motivated to overwork as a proactive measure against casual suggestions of gender or ethnic minority initiatives playing into her promotions, a frustrating undermining of accomplishment that black women are more likely to be subjected to.

“Sometimes you don’t have to work as hard as you do to get the outcome that you want,” she has come to realize. “I think that’s probably a lesson I am still learning.”

Nneka loves to travel, workout, dance and listen to both crime podcasts and inspiring podcasts during long walks in the sunshine—such as Oprah Super Soul Sunday, HBR Women At Work, The Wallet, The Tim Ferriss Show.

She’s inspired by “people who find their purpose and commit to positively influencing communities – small or large”.

By Aimee Hansen

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