“You are motivated and grow when you are being challenged,” says Silke Soennecken, “when you have to use your resources to get your head around things you didn’t think would ever happen.”
Soennecken speaks to growing through challenge, retaining your power as a woman and letting go for others to grow.
When Things Turn Upside-Down, Learning Curves Go Up
As a Managing Director at Commerzbank New York, Soennecken is tasked to oversee governance and strategy for all risk management in the region, and is responsible for the bank’s entire North American credit portfolio. Based at a branch rather than head office, she enjoys the vantage point of gleaning how initiatives flow and come together, while gaining insight into areas of risk management that interrelate with her expertise in corporate credit.
As a risk manager, she thinks that despite the challenge, it is precisely the unexpected and unprecedented moments that provide the strongest learning experiences and opportunities to grow your skillset.
She experienced this first-hand in September 2008, when she joined Commerzbank just one month before the financial world fell into crisis, and then again this past year with the pandemic. Now Soennecken approaches these big upheavals with some fascination by observing how various players respond and react to crisis on all levels.
She notes her “extremely analytical mind” gives her the ability to remain curious and agile, as she is naturally prone to dissecting how the many pieces of a system work together and interact with each other—including considering the consequences in a scenario when one piece fails.
Flipping the Worst-Case Scenario
Soennecken had a first-hand experience of a worst-case work challenge, when years ago, her firm initiated a significant restructuring. Consequently, she witnessed a mass exodus of her entire 25 person department over just a few months, including team members she thought she could not afford to lose.
Tasked with restructuring the department, and never imagining she would end up doing it alone, she recalls a “breakdown moment” in the bathroom after the last person announced they, too, were leaving. However, beginning with temporary patches, Soennecken stood up and began to rebuild the entire department.
Although she had a private office, she instead moved her desk to the middle of the open floor, where anyone who joined would have access to her. Only after a three-year journey rebuilding the team did she return to her office with an open door policy.
“Rebuilding was hitting rock bottom where there was nothing left, and then climbing out from there to create a completely new department,” she recalls. “I didn’t know what to do except to put myself right in the middle and build from the inside out. I was just put in charge and swam my way out. But when I look back, I’m proud of the approach I took, and of what I accomplished.”
For Soennecken, the most impactful part of this experience was learning via unsolicited team member feedback about how her collaborative approach positively impacted their individual and collective growth.
Staying Confident as A Woman
“I had the advantage that I found progressive male mentors that supported me,” says Soennecken, “but I also found a lot of opposition along the way for being a woman.”
Having worked in banking for a few decades, she remembers earlier in her career being the only woman in rooms of men where she was asked to pour the coffee. Though she recalls wondering ‘why her?’, the request wasn’t entirely out of the norm at the time, and she wasn’t equipped to confront it like women are today.
“I wasn’t entirely aware that I was sometimes being treated in a way I shouldn’t have been treated,” says Soennecken. “As a consequence, certain elements of confidence were lost along the way that I didn’t notice I was losing, until I look back now.”
Today, she can recognize the minimizing ways in which she was talked to or handled as a woman, and how that wore down her natural confidence, while other habits arose to compensate and created a double bind.
“I ended up being a little harder than I was expected to be. I even had a coach for supposedly being too straightforward when talking to people,” she says, “but I think it was, in part, a consequence of navigating through a world where I had to push with my elbows to try to be heard. Now I know that I could have used a more feminine approach to get what I wanted without having to try to act like a man.”
In retrospect, Soennecken observed she could have used her intuitive and relational skills—such as sensing someone’s feelings about confrontation or mirroring their conversational tendencies—to achieve the influence she instead struggled for.
“Our sensitivity as women can work against us, but I realize I could have used that sensitivity to my advantage in interrelating,” she reflects. “It would have spared me some stress along the way.”
The Danger of Over-Explaining
Soennecken believes that it is important to encourage gender diversity in managerial roles, but on the flip side, women need not be required to champion every woman when it’s more objectivity that is needed.
When asked, one way she’s personally observed how women can undermine their own power is by defending themselves too much in the meeting room.
“We often think we are being attacked personally,” she says, noting many moments when she’s listened to another woman get drawn into over-explaining herself, going further only to lose her ground.
“If you make yourself small by defending yourself too much, by giving a lot of explanation for something that could be a simple answer,” she continues, ”then you lose all your power and the advantage you might have had.”
‘Letting Go’ For Others to Grow
Over the years, Soennecken has adapted from guiding people with a hands-on approach, to guiding people while letting go.
“When you are hands on, you do things a certain way and tend to believe others should do it the same way. But people have different approaches, and it takes time to admit to yourself those approaches are fine, and so are the consequences,” she says. “You are supporting the growth of people by allowing them to also make mistakes. You’re going to support and guide them, but there’s purpose in delegating and giving others the opportunity to grow and shine in their own way.”
As a mentor, she notices when people are stuck: “You see that someone is in the wrong job, but they are afraid of changing, finding the right job and really being happy. They’re making a big effort, but they can’t grow because it’s not what they want to do.”
“The potential is in embracing the unknown, not in staying in their comfort zone, but you get a lot of resistance because most people don’t like change. The success story happens when finally somebody embraces the change that is good for them,” she says. “You can help them realize the potential is there, and trust and support them, but they have to ultimately make the decision.”
When it comes to finding fulfillment at work and advancing up the career ladder, Soennecken feels it’s about going beyond. Being interested and doing “the extra” is what creates the sense of fulfillment for her.
“If you come to work every day and you type five pages because your job is to type five pages, you’re not going to progress,” she gives as an example. “But if you come in every day, and instead of typing five pages, one day you decide the pages could be a different color or a different layout or you can type eight pages or a book, then you grow.”
Never Forget “The Little Heart”
“You cannot have a more loyal employee than if the person has a personal situation, and you show you can be supportive,” says Soennecken. “Never forget about the personal side of the people you work with. It’s what I call ‘the little heart’ and everybody has ‘a little heart’. Very often, I think about ‘the little heart’ of my colleagues, regardless of their role or responsibility.”
When it comes to non-business workplace issues, for example redesigning seating arrangements, she knows certain things are important to people, and if she can accommodate a request, she will. While you can’t please everyone, she has found it makes all the difference to thoughtfully consider all parts of someone in the decisions she makes.
Speaking of little hearts, Soenneken is the single mother of two bright, energetic twin six-year-old girls. She feels the pandemic has helped to highlight what is most important in life and is enjoying the unexpected, but welcome, togetherness with her family.
By Aimee Hansen
Geklang Lee: Chief Operating Officer, PGIM Real Estate, Asia-Pacific
People, Voices of ExperienceLee speaks to accepting challenges, taking a career break for motherhood, being an executive and showing up in full integrity.
Seizing The Opportunity to Level Up
Born in Singapore, Lee was initially drawn to chemistry and biochemistry and scientific research. Unable to align with a path in genetic engineering, she took a completely different turn and chose to do research in the financial world.
She began in a research role on the sell-side in the public sector: “That fulfilled my desire and my interest in research. It fulfilled the analytical aspect of me.” Her enjoyment of the work drove her success and by 32 years old, she was a managing director.
Then Lee shifted to become a strategist, heading up the equity business in Singapore for Indosuez WI Carr, before moving again to become an Executive Director at UBS, to set up the Singapore Equities institutional research team which was subsequently ranked by Institutional Investors. As leadership opportunities came at her, Lee took them on despite the internal doubts to whether she was ready.
“Very often, women are much more cautious about opportunities or in raising their hands for opportunities. We feel like we need to be sure and know everything before we commit, because we want to do well,” says Lee. “But my view is that we should not shy away from challenging opportunities, putting ourselves out there and getting out of our comfort zone. If we set our minds to it and are willing to put in the hard work, then we can get the job done.”
Letting Go For Motherhood and Coming Back Again
“So many women feel that if they take time off to have a baby, they will be disadvantaged,” she says. “Sometimes organizations feel that way, too: you take time off, someone has to do your work, so there has to be a compromise. But I strongly disagree with that.”
In her case, both times Lee took maternity leave to have her children, she experienced an advancement. While on maternity leave with her first child, she received a big salary increase. When she came back from her second maternity leave, she was promoted to head the Singapore equity business at Indosuez WI Carr.
When over 40 years old, Lee left the UBS Executive Director role to spend three years with her three children, even though it felt like a risky move.
“I had already missed the growing years for my two older kids. I’d always had that guilty feeling of not being a mom, and had told myself I would look after my grandchildren,” she says. “But when my youngest was born, I decided, no, why should I wait? I actually wanted to spend time and bond more with my kids.”
For the first year, she retained a part-time consultancy with UBS. For the second two years, she was a full-time mom. Then as circumstances changed with her husband’s firm, she decided to return to work and reached out to her network contacts, which she had nurtured. Soon she was running the global real estate market neutral strategy for a hedge fund, before moving to PGIM Real Estate.
“Women shouldn’t be concerned about not being able to come back into the workforce, but I think what is critical is that we need to keep our contacts, “she says. “I always encourage people to keep your contacts within the network, as it’s extremely important for helping to build career path and opportunities, staying in touch with the markets, and moving jobs or returning to the workforce.”
Shifting To The C-Suite
At PGIM, Lee had the opportunity to go from managing the Asia Pacific public equities real estate portfolio to assuming the position of Chief Operating Officer for Asia Pacific real estate business. Moving from investments to a COO role was definitely pushing beyond her comfort zone.
“As a COO, you cannot be an expert in everything, but the team is there to support us as leaders. We provide the strategic direction,” says Lee. “Humility is important, recognizing they know more than me in the job they do, because they are the experts.”
Lee is dedicated to developing people, and emphasizes the leadership traits of versatility and adaptability—being open to different mindsets, perspectives and ways of doing things.
“Even if someone presents something that I do not agree with initially, I do need to listen, and reflect before making any judgments,” she says. “Everyone has a lot to offer. The young people today have a lot to offer, and if we are open enough to listen and allow them to present their ideas, then it will make us all stronger leaders and a stronger organization.”
Showing Up With Integrity
Lee never planned her career path, but has always put her best into anything she does. She feels that in her case, her commitment and hard work produced results, earned recognition and created opportunities.
Lee learned by emulating some of her previous supervisors. When she was deputy head in a previous firm, she noticed and admired how the head of the team did everything with the team’s interests in mind.
“When I was subsequently promoted to his position, because he moved on to greater things, I remember asking myself: am I willing to fight for my team, even to the extent that I may compromise my job? Am I willing to fight for my team for what is right?” she says. “Only when I was prepared to do that, did I accept the role.”
Thinking to her childhood, Lee remembers being a little girl in an underprivileged family and loving music but being unable to afford music lessons. When she was able to join the school band, her instructor said: “whether it rains or it snows, you have to turn up for practice.” She laughs that it never snows in Singapore, but if it were to, you still show up. At seven or eight years old, this left a big impression upon her.
“I think that developed my sense of commitment,” Lee reflects. “When you commit to do something, you just turn up. You turn up all the time. Regardless.”
Doing Things Differently and Better
Lee feels that as a woman, she shows up differently in a way that strengthens the table.
“As a woman, I don’t look at everything just as a task. There is often that softer touch that we bring to the table,” she says. “That helps when I’m running teams, because I’m not only interested in the output, but just as much in the individual.”
Lee is excited about how the forced circumstances of remote working has created rapid technology advancements and mindset shifts while raising questions: “How do we connect with our colleagues? How do we make sure that they feel part of the organization? How do we continue to build a team culture?”
Lee is energized by the company’s strategic operating initiatives —known as PGIM Real Estate 2.0—being ed by PGIM Real Estate’s Global chief operating officer, Cathy Marcus: “It’s essentially encouraging us to rethink the way we do things, and why we do them that way, in order to see if things can be done better,” says Lee.
Her children are now 27, 25 and 21. Lee loves sports and runs every day. She also plays the saxophone, enjoys pottery and embroidery, and does volunteer work with refugees in the greater region as well as migrant workers.
By Aimee Hansen
Spotlight on Asia: What Does Gender Diversity in Asia Look Like in 2021?
News, Spotlight on AsiaHere’s a brief overview of the key themes we see happening across Asia now:
Gains in Women Executives in ASEAN Region
According to a Grant Thornton report 2020, the greater Asian region was split when it comes to women in executive leadership.
The global average is 29% (on par with North America).
While ASEAN (Association of South East Asia Nations) tied with Eastern Europe at 35% to rank second highest in women in senior management roles globally, after Africa (38%), APAC (Asia-Pacific) had the world’s lowest representation (27%).
The ASEAN region showed very impressive growth from 28% in 2019 to 35% in 2020, thanks to a range of initiatives around diversity.
In 2018, prior to COVID-19, McKinsey estimated that advancing women’s equality in Asia-Pacific could boost the collective regional GDP by 12% by 2025 to $4.5 trillion.
Still A “1 Woman” Boardroom in Asia
A significant gap exists between women’s representation in senior management and their presence in the board room in Asia, where Asia lags behind.
According to the Egon Zehnder 2020 Global Board Diversity Tracker, only 73% of boards in Asia had at least one woman (89% globally). Only 33% had at least two women (70% globally) and 12% had at least 3 (49% globally).
The data shows only 12% of Asia board seats are held by women (23% globally), and only 16% of new appointments in 2020 were women (compared to 30% globally).
In China, women hold 12% of seats too, though only 29% of boards have at least two women and only 10% had 3 or more. In India, women fair much better – holding 17% of seats. 60% of boards have at least two women and 23% have at least three.
Arguing the financial case for diversity, the Board Gender Diversity in ASEAN report found companies with over 30% women representation had significantly greater financial performance (3.8% ROA) relative to boards with no women (2.4% ROA). Even one woman helped, according to the authors, but the financial performance difference increased with representation, especially at over 30% women.
Women in Tech Relatively Strong in ASEAN But More Are Needed
The global demand for digital talent outpaces the supply, including in Asia-Pacific. BCG reports that in the first quarter of 2020, 5% of technology roles went unfilled in Singapore.
Women’ participation in tech in Southeast Asia (32%) outpaces the global average (28%), and mature markets like the UK and Australia, being on par with the US. But despite the relatively high numbers, BCG says a significant tech gap remains. Across countries, women’s representation in tech in ASEAN lags relative to other industries.
The key “moments of truth” that must be supported in a women’s journey into a long-term career in the technology sector, according to the consultancy group’s research, include: their choice of major at college, selection of first job and decision to stay with a technology career once they’ve started.
As the dynamic is different in each country across these key truth points, the interventions to encourage and foster diversity must be tailored to each country’s context. In Thailand, women are 48% of tech graduates but only 42% of tech jobs (the highest % across ASEAN countries). Whereas in Singapore, women make up only 29% of tech graduates but comprise 41% of the tech workforce ,due to demand.
The vast majority of women in tech feel they have benefitted from diversity programs and 65% feel tech does better than most industries in tailoring programs to women, yet BCG argues more tailored efforts are needed at the “moments of truth” points.
Opportunity Gaps for Women in Asia Pacific
Per the LinkedIn Opportunity Index 2020, developing markets – including in Asia Pacific – are generally more confident about having access to opportunities: India (121), Indonesia (117) and China (116) top their list, while Japan comes in last (80).
But LinkedIn, according to Feon Ang, Managing Director, APAC, also found that women felt they had less opportunities than men, and COVID-19 not only disproportionally affected women but also their outlook on the future. One in three women in APAC felt that gender was a significant barrier to opportunity.
The research showed that 41% of women in APAC felt they had fewer career development opportunities than men, with that sentiment being strongest in China (44%), Malaysia (45%), Japan (47%) and Singapore (49%). Whereas in India, 4 of every 5 women felt they’d missed offers or opportunities due to gender.
The challenges facing women vary as well. Ang cites that “lack of time” is the main barrier to opportunities for women in countries such as India, Philippines and Singapore. Whereas “lack of professional skills” is the primary barrier for women in Japan. And in China and India, women feel they have a “lack of guidance through networks and connections.”
Less than a fourth of working professionals in APAC feel that their organizations are prioritizing gender diversity. Managing familial responsibilities comes up as a challenge to career development for many APAC women (45%) especially in India (71%).
Where are the Women Executives in Japan?
In Japan, women hold only 15% of management roles according to McKinsey, only halfway to the country’s 30% target. In 2019, Japan was ranked at 121 out of 153 in the World Economic Forum’s gender-equality index, the lowest among developed nations.
In research, McKinsey identified a gap in career-advancement goals. Japanese women are less likely to indicate they want a promotion than men (15 points lower), yet also more likely to feel gender is in the way and less confident. Overall men and women in Japan have the same hesitations towards promotion, but more women feared they would not be able to manage work/life balance.
When it came to what motivates aspirations for promotion, Japanese women tended to cite external recognition of their talent and strengths and the personal growth opportunity. Japanese men cite financial benefits, social status and rewards more.
Whereas the financial and status incentives are enough to motivate men, organizations like IBM are learning that women in Japan are more compelled when both witnessed for their personal skills and talents, and engaged individually on how advancing would particularly impact their own development.
Regional Diversity & Inclusion
LinkedIn’s Ang cites conversations on diversity and inclusion that include male allies; more women in leadership roles; family-friendly and flexible working policies; stronger mentoring and networking; and investment in learning and development as key measures for organizations to help close the opportunity gaps for women in Asia.
By Aimee Hansen
14 Career Insights and Tips From Women Leaders in Asia (Part 1)
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!, Spotlight on AsiaIn this retrospective feature, we’ve mined the best experience-based guidance across those interviews, and this month we’ll be sharing in two parts!
Here are the first seven tips:
1. Be open to learn from everyone.
“Be open in your career,” advised Pamela Yeo, General Counsel and Senior Vice President at AIG Property Casualty Asia Pacific. “When you realize that everyone around you can teach you something new, and you become receptive to knowledge sharing and connecting, this can have a big impact on your advancement.”
Yeo urged young professionals to put themselves out there to catapult your journey through connection.
Update: Pamela Yeo remains in the position she has now held for nearly 17 years.
2. Do not keep your head down.
As a junior analyst, Kathy Matsui was told to “work hard, keep your head down, and you will go far.”
“This was the worst advice I could have been given as a woman just beginning her career, but when I first began working the idea that an ‘invisible hand’ would simply promote you was widespread,” Matsui told us, previously as Vice Chair, Global Investment Research at Goldman Sachs in Japan back in 2019. “Aside from excelling in one’s job, women need to also identify mentors, connect with others across their organization, and share their accomplishments.”
Update: After over 26 years with Goldman Sachs, Kathy Matsui is a founding General Partner of MPower Partners, Japan’s first ESG-focused global VC fund, as of May 2021.
3. Check your self-limiting assumptions and projections.
Earlier in her career, Kathy Matsui also shared with us the risk of operating inside the framework of your own self-limiting projections, which meant she spent too much time early on spinning her wheels just to prove her worth.
“My client base here was pretty homogenous when I first started working in Japan, in that it was mostly Japanese men who were twice my age,” remarked Matsui. “At the beginning, I felt like I had three strikes against me because I was female, foreign, and young. But this was really a perception that I put upon myself because professionally, nobody actually treated me differently based on my identity.”
4. Claim your voice in the conversation and early on.
“Put it all out there on the field every day,” recommended Padideh Raphael, Partner at Goldman Sachs in Hong Kong. “Women tend to wait for validation before sharing their opinion, but they should speak up earlier.”
As a first generation American raised with gender-related boundaries by her Iranian mom, Raphael said: “I believe there are no inherent barriers to success in this industry, but in some cases I have seen that women are traditionally raised or shaped to abide by societal norms,” she says. “To the extent possible, women should be confident in having a place in the discussion.”
Update: Padideh Trojanow (Raphael) remains a partner at Goldman Sachs, now with the firm for over 22 years.
5. Discern your own truth when it comes to work and family.
“Each person has to look inside themselves and make their own choice without feeling pressure from family members, and then ask them to support that choice,” asserted Xing Zhou when it come to work and family life, as Diversity & Inclusion Leader at PwC China. “I view it as an achievement that as the mom of two children, I am able to find the balance and can serve as a role model for others in my firm and industry.”
Zhou discussed how Chinese women face pressure from their husbands and in-laws to shift their focus entirely to motherhood, whereas that is not every woman’s desire for herself and only she can truly decide.
Update: Xing Zhou has been with PwC Hong Kong and Mainland China for 24 years. She has now additionally taken up the roles of North Markets Leader and Beijing Office Lead Partner of Mainland China.
6. Make clear choices to keep evolving.
“There were lots of things I was interested in, and I wasn’t sure what to focus on; I was always hedging my bets. Only when I started to make choices, and others could see what I was about, did it all came together,” stated Ay Wen Lie, Partner, M&A Advisory at PwC in Singapore.
Wen Lie advised getting clear on what you stand for and believe in, both when it come to the work you are doing and creating your personal brand, otherwise you dilute your ability to impact and stand out: “Don’t be afraid to make choices, play to your strengths and focus your energy on where you can best add value.”
Update: Ay Wen Lie has been a Partner at PwC in Singapore for ten years.
7. Constantly nurture your network, internally and externally.
“For women at all levels of their careers, constantly building your personal network both internally and externally is extremely valuable,” said Teo Lay Lim, previously as Country Managing Director of Singapore for Accenture. “Building personal networks helps you to draw on others to augment your own insights [and] perspectives,” she added, emphasizing that Accenture had more than 85 local women’s networking groups in 32 countries to help build up their networks.
Update: Teo Lay Lim is now a Chairperson at Accenture in Singapore, with over 33 years with the firm.
Look out for Part 2 of this retrospective of top advice from female executives in Asia!
By: Aimee Hansen
OP-Ed: Six Hallmarks Of Rebuilding Strong Relationships at Work
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!, Guest ContributionThose relationships have suffered during the last 18 months. Tasks have been more foregrounded and personal connection backgrounded, as Zoom exhaustion, phone and email replaced the informal in-person contact that often builds connection.
Returning to working in person creates opportunities to build and rebuild strong, functional relationships. And there are challenges. We can’t just “flip a switch” and return to how it was before. Jobs have changed, and so have our needs. Some colleagues left and new ones were hired who we haven’t met in person. Some are happy to be back, others aren’t. Old habits and approaches might no longer work. We feel pressured to make up for lost time, leaving us without the luxury of letting new relationships develop over time. What to do?
We have studied what it takes to proactively build strong relationships quickly at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business for decades and know that relationships exist on a continuum from contact with no connection/casual to closer/more personal and ultimately to what we call exceptional. There are six hallmarks to moving along that continuum.
Six Hallmarks of Relationship Building
The first is I can be more fully myself and so can you. With someone new we tend to be cautious. As the relationship develops, we disclose more, which decreases misunderstandings and increases ways to connect. It also encourages the other to share, since disclosure tends to be reciprocal.
This relates to the second hallmark: both of you are willing to be vulnerable. What can I do to encourage you to disclose besides initiating? I can learn how to ask questions that convey I really want to know you and what matters to you. Reciprocal sharing and vulnerability build trust and understanding.
Disclosure feels risky. The third hallmark is therefore trust that what I share will not be used against me. That trust is built over time as you each take incrementally larger risks in becoming known to each other.
Fourth is, a willingness to be honest with each other. Do I know that you mean what you say so I don’t have to read between the lines or worry about what you are withholding and vice versa?
As we share more of ourselves, deepen our relationship, and work together, disagreements are inevitable, and conflicts might emerge. The fifth hallmark is dealing with disagreements and conflict productively in ways that further build the relationship.
The final hallmark is both of us are committed to each other’s growth. This may require raising difficult issues and giving challenging feedback, in service of each other’s learning and development.
Applying the Hallmarks In the Office
As we emerge from the pandemic, here is how these come into play. You have just returned to working in person and someone new has joined the team who you’ve never met or worked with. There are also team members with whom you are at the “mere contact” end of the continuum and others with whom you are a bit farther along. With some you are close. Maybe you have mixed feelings about some of these people. A couple of incidents during Zoom meetings annoyed you, which you didn’t raise. Time and performance pressures necessitate you move these relationships along the continuum to functional and robust quickly.
There are multiple ways to develop relationships and what is effective with one person might not be with another. With the new hire, you might start with sharing more of yourself as well as finding out how they like to get work done. For those where the relationship is not strong, talking about how each of you want to relate might help. In those cases where you’ve had negative interactions, it might be important to have an honest conversation about how to move past that and explore what there is to be learned.
People also differ in how they like to get work done. Some like to plan first, others like to take action to gather early data. Some are comfortable with risk, others more cautious, and so forth. Each of us has a strong preference for our style and yet organizations need them all.
In strong relationships we each leverage our style and work together productively. What do we do with conflict that arises when our styles differ? We learned firsthand when working together. David is a divergent thinker, always coming up with new ideas. Carole is more convergent and wants to “cut to the chase.” In discussing this openly, we realized we needed each other. If David was dominant, we might never have finished our book – if Carole’s was, our final product might not have been as good.
Returning to the office will require we double down on efforts to establish new relationships and reestablish previous ones. We can’t afford to “just let things develop.” We will have to make more intentional, conscious efforts. Doubling down requires paying even closer attention to how others get their work done and talking openly about preferences. We may need to be explicit and proactive. “I’m glad to respond to your requests, but it works better for me when I have advanced warning” could be all it takes.
Doubling down also means becoming aware of and willing to discuss entirely new issues, such as people’s preferences for in-person, hybrid or working at home for health reasons. We may need to be clearer about how tasks are to be divided up and handed off. Learning to empathize with someone whose pandemic experience (and post pandemic reality) is very different from ours will also matter.
We’ll need to respond differently to small annoyances, which are more likely when starting or reestablishing relationships. Your way of working bothers me a bit. But rather than just shoving my frustration under the rug and blaming you, this could be a sign we have something to work on and an opportunity for mutual learning and a better relationship.
To do this we will have to acknowledge the legitimacy of different approaches and further develop our problem-solving skills. It is less useful to try to convince the other and more useful to jointly explore what will work for both of us. That process, rather than distancing us, can further reestablish healthy work relationships and build even stronger ones.
Everything is unlikely to work out from the beginning, even with proactive outreach. Building and rebuilding relationships is a process that requires learning from what doesn’t work as much as from what does. It demands persistence, intention, and patience. But quickly building and rebuilding stronger relationships is well worth the effort.
David Bradford, Ph.D. is the Eugene O’Kelly II Senior Lecturer Emeritus in Leadership at Stanford Graduate School of Business, where he helped develop Interpersonal Dynamics (aka “Touchy Feely”) as well as much of the school’s leadership curriculum. He is the author of numerous books, including Managing for Excellence, Influence Without Authority, and Power Up. He lives in Berkeley, California, with his wife of more than fifty years.
Carole Robin, Ph.D. was the Dorothy J. King Lecturer in Leadership and Director of the Arbuckle Leadership Fellows Program at Stanford Graduate School of Business before co-founding Leaders in Tech, which brings the principles and process of “Touchy Feely” to executives in Silicon Valley. Prior to coming to Stanford, she had careers in sales and marketing management and was a partner in two consulting firms. She lives in San Francisco, California, with her husband of 36 years.
A fuller description of these six hallmarks and how to use them to build relationships can be found in CONNECT: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues by co-authors David Bradford and Carole Robin. Crown Random House, New York. 2021. Their book also contains the lessons of “Touchy Feely” that thousands of students have consistently described for decades as life changing. Available in hardcover, audible and Kindle versions HERE.
Grace Jamgochian: Partner, Mergers & Acquisitions, Shearman & Sterling
People, Voices of ExperienceJamgochian speaks to why M&A is animating every single day, the pay-off of being goal-oriented and why it’s important to treat law as a service-oriented business.
Loving the Hub Responsibility of M&A
As a full-service Mergers & Acquisitions (M&A) partner at Shearman & Sterling LLP (Shearman), Jamgochian works across a broad general corporate practice — from public M&A, to private M&A, to private equity — gravitating towards the areas of tech, media, and telecom, infrastructure, and consumer products.
“M&A is a quasi-business and business strategy function. We advise our clients on more than just the technical aspects of the law. We partner with them to achieve their objectives, and we work closely with our internal specialists to make sure all bases are covered,” says Jamgochian. “As an M&A lawyer, you’re responsible for managing, coordinating and completing the entire deal. I love M&A because that responsibility fits well with my personality and drives me.”
Jamgochian thrives on the pace, breadth, variety and overview that M&A demands of her at Shearman.
“Every day is different. I have a general sense of my to-do list but M&A is often a series of fire drills,” she says, “Being on my toes is the type of practice that I’ve always wanted, and that’s why I’ve continued in M&A for more than a decade.”
Jamgochian also enjoys the teamwork needed for M&A transactions. “M&A is the central hub for a deal. My group handles the “corporate” pieces but we also collect the input of specialists such as in IP, Tax, Compensation, Real Estate, and Regulatory. I view a transaction agreement like a complex puzzle, and each person contributes a few pieces into the big puzzle that I’m ultimately 100% responsible for,” she says.
Jamgochian credits a year-ish long stint as an in-house attorney at Thomson Reuters, right after graduating from Cornell Law School, with immersing her into the business perspective of law from the very beginning.
“While others used the Shearman associate deferral year in 2010 for non-professional pursuits, I chose to work at a client handling M&A and securities matters so that I could get my feet wet right out of the gate. Having this opportunity set me up to be a practical, business-minded and solution-oriented attorney from the start,” Jamgochian reflects. “A deal needs business-minded lawyers. It can’t just be working in theory. You need to assess and advise on the risks, but you also need a good dose of reality and know what market practice is.”
Being Goal-Oriented As Her Key to Success
Though Jamgochian is newly elected to the Shearman partnership this year, it’s been in her sights since she first began her law career. Her journey to partner felt both intentional and linear.
“Always give yourself options. From Day 1, I tried to put myself in a position to be partner down the road, even if I couldn’t predict the future and would have been open to other paths. I volunteered for basically everything, from deals to extracurricular responsibilities like involvement in inclusion networks and bar associations. If you want to be a partner, you don’t wake up one day and suddenly have the skills. You should start thinking about business development early on and what technical and “soft” skills you’ll need to develop,” says Jamgochian.
She says her colleagues would most likely also remark on her efficiency, organization and ability to carry through a goal to completion.
“I’m a goal-oriented person. If we all have an idea in mind of what we think should be the finish line, let’s get there and let’s be efficient about it,” says Jamgochian. “In order to do that, you need to be organized, create processes, reduce any inefficiencies of people not knowing what their role is and communicate clearly. That’s me in a nutshell.”
When it comes to her next level goal, Jamgochian would love to continue to develop herself as an M&A lawyer to rank among the top of her field.
Law is Foremost About People
Early on, it was imparted on Jamgochian that law is a service-oriented industry in which the business is “people” and “our minds”.
“We’re getting paid to think. It’s about essentially our brains and our relationships: these intangibles. So the thing that lawyers need to focus on and remember throughout our careers is our clients and to develop those relationships with clients,” says Jamgochian. “Provide them with the best legal advice, which is essentially your thoughts and expertise, but then also don’t forget that everything is people-based in law firms, whether your clients or those you work with.”
When it comes to diversity, M&A as an industry is a more white male dominated area in particular.
“I have definitely had occasions where I’m the only woman in a room of thirty people. Once you already have a male-dominated industry, then you have the lack of mentorship, you have the lack of role models and it kind of snowballs from that,” observes Jamgochian. “But I think all firms, and the industry itself, are trying to pull the reins in. Shearman is really focused on D&I efforts, plus an increasing client focus on diversity is also helping to increase the law firm diversity focus as well.”
Busy Summer and Time for Family
As it’s only a block away from home, Jamgochian has been working out of the office this year, where her workload — focusing largely on tech, media, and telecom and infrastructure — has continued to boom when she might normally see a summer slowdown.
She notes that with the change of executive administration, as well as regulatory and tax changes in the air, many people and organizations are wanting to work through deals quickly. So these days, her expertise is a commodity in fast demand.
Jamgochian’s husband is also a Big Law lawyer, and with both of them having a high-intensity lifestyle, time with their five year old son is precious. They enjoy weekend picnics in Central Park and being surrounded by family in New York City and nearby.
With a background in dance history, Jamgochian turns to movement as part of keeping her balance, which may very well help in flowing with the pace of her work. She also loves learning instruments and reading music to stay sharp – along with piano and flute, she has recently also taken up ukelele.
By: Aimee Hansen
Aine Leddy: Information Technology Business Partner, AIG Investments
People, Voices of ExperienceLeddy speaks to elevating to the C-Suite, cultivating intellectual curiosity and being proactive in expanding your ability to lead.
Stepping up to the C-Suite
Irish by birth, Leddy emigrated to the U.S. in the late 80’s while training to be an oil trader. Finding that her personality was not suited to the aggressive trading environment, she moved into financial services at Morgan Stanley, where she received an analyst training that she likens to an in-house Executive MBA.
After holding a variety of financial roles across 22 years at the firm, she reached an inflection point while working as the finance partner to the Chief Information Officer (CIO) of the investment management division, Marianne Bachynski, AIG Investments+ Chief Information Officer, at the time. Technology was developing to become its own branch of the business, and Leddy was given the opportunity to step into a Chief Operating Officer (COO) role with overview of the IT business.
“I’m a big picture kind of person. I find closeness to decision-making and strategy very compelling. I love to ideate and be in a position where you can see ideas taking shape and then ultimately come to fruition,” says Leddy. “I enjoy the increased personal responsibility to make things happen as well.”
After a few transitions, Leddy began working at AIG in September 2020, motivated by the opportunity to learn about the insurance industry at a highly reputable firm, expand her skillset and reunite with Bachynski. While she has yet to be in the room with her team due to the need to work virtually, she’s been highly impressed by the collaboration, communication, cutting-edge performance, and progress on the big, gnarly technological issues like cloud migration.
Being Curious with Breadth
“I personally like to know enough about everything ‘to be dangerous’ and went out of my way to equip myself with that knowledge,” she says. “That curiosity has served me, particularly with my entreé into the tech COO world. I could show up at the table and enter right into a discussion about the business strategy and where technology fits in, and that was apparent to the people who have given me the opportunities.”
As a teacher’s daughter, Leddy prides herself on being super-prepared and putting the “sweat equity” into knowing her stuff, and it’s a hot-button for her to watch someone trying to wing it when they clearly haven’t done the same preparation. Despite this, she has learned to take in stride the out of left field questions as she is also prone to be the one to ask the question.
Being curious as a principle means the willingness to reveal what you don’t know: “I think a lot of women think it’s better not to ask because maybe you should already know. So, I might soften that by prepping my question with, ‘I probably should know this, but would you mind explaining it anyway.’”
Nine out of ten times, the person next to her will thank her for asking because they were wondering the same thing.
Taking Action in Empowering Yourself
Leddy emphasizes it’s critical to be solution-focused: “I do like to ideate and strategize, but I’m also an action-oriented person. You can sit around and admire the problem for a long time, but ultimately, you have to get the stuff done.”
She feels that taking personal initiative in growing yourself is foundational, as she, too, often hears people defer the responsibility of their learning limitations to their organization, when she argues you can be proactive yourself.
“Training is out there. It won’t always be the customized training that you do as part of the code of conduct or something like that,” advises Leddy. “But you can go and talk to someone with a different skillset than yours. There’s tons of information out there for you to train yourself, and there’s so much you can do for yourself in terms of expanding your horizons.”
When Leddy glances around her senior circle of peers at AIG Investments, and at some of her previous employers, she’s invigorated by the presence of women leaders. She has found herself fortunate to be in environments that reward intellectual curiosity, foremost, and where she felt she could be herself.
“Some women feel they need to be more aggressive to be successful. I never felt I had to be anybody other than who I am,” says Leddy. “When you bring your authentic self to the table in any situation, you’re going to be more successful.”
Being Willing to Move, But Also Move On
“You don’t realize how immersed you are in a culture until you have to get to know another one. I think switching companies taught me to be more open and not to bring my bias from another culture,” says Leddy. “That includes listening upfront and taking in how people work, work together and what’s important to leaders in one company versus another.”
Earlier in her career, while putting three children through college and being motivated by a compensation-focused opportunity, Leddy learned that you don’t always know whether something is going to be a good fit until you’re inside of it.
“I tell those I mentor that you cannot know all of the elements of anything ahead of time, you just can’t. So, if you want to switch departments or companies or even careers, you think you are going in with ‘eyes wide open’ but you may not be,” she says. “The lesson I learned is that if it’s making you miserable, change your situation as quickly as you can, learn from what you don’t want and then move on. Don’t stay where you’re unhappy.”
Staying True to What You Want
While Leddy feels she was most often mentored on business skills, her mentorship has always begun with listening into: what do they really want?
She’s found that it tends to be guidance on the softer side of matters, such as how she managed to get promoted while her kids were little and still feel present in the home. Leddy is known by her peers for being grounded and ‘unflappable’, and she carries that grounding to her mentees.
One thing she imparts onwards is never be afraid to ask for a raise or promotion but be solid in arguing your case for why you’ve earned it. She also advises to not get caught in emotional defeat when you don’t receive what you want, but be resilient, prepare to go back in and to argue your case again.
“I think women do ourselves a disservice, because we take things personally and get annoyed with our manager if we don’t get the raise or promotion,” she observes. “Whereas men seem to think, ‘If it doesn’t happen, I’ll get back in the ring and I’ll fight the good fight again next year.’ Ultimately, promotion is a numbers game. It can’t happen for everybody all of the time, so rather than take it so personally, elevate your case and prepare to ask again.”
Leddy has been married for almost 33 years and her three grown children are now in their mid-late twenties. She loves her Peloton bike and taking in the sun in her garden. She is a huge reader, a passionate etymologist and prides herself on living holistically to enjoy all aspects of her life.
By Aimee Hansen
OP-Ed: 3 Ways For You To Be An Inclusive Leader.
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!If you are a leader, you probably want to be your best self when it comes to creating high performing teams where people can feel empowered and like they belong, regardless of who they are. But, often the demanding focuses of the day job can suppress the best of intentions and actions in this space. Ever wondered how to fix this?
Let’s start with why diversity and inclusion seems to be the slowest, toughest and least integrated part of most businesses.
Close to twenty five years ago in 1996, Robin Ely and David Thomas wrote an article in HBR called “Making Differences Matter” —outlining three paradigms or approaches to diversity. This is possibly the best single piece of work for companies to follow as a “how to” for creating a learning culture for effectiveness in all areas, and specifically diversity. Ely and Thomas themselves know their “learning and effectiveness paradigm” was not implemented, to the detriment of the theme, and patiently explained again to the world what needs to be done in their latest paper in November 2020 called “Getting Serious about Diversity: Enough Already with the Business Case”.
The approach that they so accurately describe is to create a learning organization, meaning —in my opinion and in plain language— do the right work, not some pretend moral endeavor which is supposed to lie in ethics, which only some are compelled by, and only to some degree even with the best of intentions. Also, stop approaching representation as counting or hiring two of each type onto Noah’s Ark, thinking you have to be a giraffe to sell to a giraffe.
Lastly, they rightfully point out to stop the fallacies of women being magical unicorns who make share prices rise alone due to their presence on boards and instead: understand the work, make mistakes and learn, integrate the work. Rinse and repeat.
Adding to this, I would say stop categorically believing women’s networks or other ERGs (employee resource groups) can take the place of a systemic change rooted in behavioral change—which needs everyone to buy in and change. Having a strategic network is different from being part of an ERG that wants to do philanthropy or overlooks the fact that it has no real authority or power, as it’s not inside the hiring or promotion discussions for every person in the firm, where the changes that actually need to happen for real outcomes take place. Lobby for change, educate and gather —as ERG’s are good for some things— but know what they are there for, and align goals and resources accordingly!
Here are 3 areas to consider on your leadership journey to grow into the leader you want to be:
#1 Know yourself
Start with you and understanding your styles and preferences regarding work. You can recognize that others have a different style to you, once you see styles for what they are and how they show up in communications, learning and thinking. How do you uncover your style? The fastest way is to work with a good executive coach who specializes in executive and leadership development, as opposed to straight career coaching.
But, if you don’t have access to that type of resource, then ask yourself: what are your style preferences when it comes to communicating and being communicated with? Are you direct and candid or do you prefer to couch your requests in sentences where the audience can hear a gentler message, sometimes amongst other messages? We are all different and there are many free versions of Myers Briggs and other great tools free online to start, such as SCARF (the neuro-leadership institute) and Emotional Agility report by Dr. Susan David. The Learning Styles Inventory (LSI) is not expensive and comes with a full explanation of how you learn and apply knowledge. Curious souls on their development journey will benefit.
We are all somewhat beholden to how we were raised in our families and societies, unless we have taken the time to disrupt that – which you can start doing today by reading Immunity to Change. Doing this with a coach, or even by yourself, will help you to understand what is stopping you from reaching goals in any sense, including D&I ones.
# 2 Take time to know others
Some cultures find it quite impolite to just ask and other cultures find it weird not to say what’s on your mind. Some people might not comply with what you culturally assume they might, so rule number one is don’t assume anything.
Regardless of which schools of thought you buy into, or where you were brought up, or the body and skin you were born into, the psychology of inclusion and high performance are the same. Simply put, nobody likes to have grind or experience hindrances and barriers in doing their job and everyone wants psychological safety. We are exploring what it means to speak up safely.
Personality-based theory from behavioral and organizational psychologists would argue that all behavior is a function of your personality (traits, that are mostly intrinsic), times or reactive to the environment you are operating in. So, if you are a less-than-calm type, stress and certain work cultures will accentuate your excitability for example and can seem volatile. We know that certain people are judged more harshly for anger in the workplace than others, with Serena Williams punished for expressing something that Novak and all the men readily get endorsed for as part of an aggressive champion brand à la John McEnroe.
Instruments like the Hogan, which you may have done via a coach or a training session, will tell you these things. For inclusion, this plays out in many ways including, for some, a skepticism when people don’t walk the talk which makes diversity fatigue kick in, or else an overly diligent approach under stress to stick to outdated playbooks because historically things were done a certain way and status quo is a safer path.
Know where you are honestly at on your own journey. Take an audit of what life experiences you have had, what exposure and connection you have had to people different from yourself. Be compassionate about it, as it is a journey and about building trust and forgiveness for ourselves and others. In a recent Pew survey about cancel culture, the highest amount of respondents believed that context is the most important factor to understanding past behaviors. We can give people room to learn and adapt and grow, educate not punish.
Take the time to ask people who they are including. Straight white men are not a homogenous group either, just as all women or LGBTQ or Asian or African Americans/Black people are not the same. We are individuals, so the career advice here is to ask questions so that people can tell and show you who they really are, what their work styles are and where their interests lie as it pertains to projects. Just because you met one person of color once or a gay cousin, doesn’t mean you know them all, we are not a melded persona and the color of one’s skin or who they take to dinner doesn’t dictate their thinking or work preferences in any way, so just ask open questions to learn more. I am spelling it out here, but are brains are wired to evaluate and label and to override. We think we have seen the movie and how it ends before, when we haven’t.
#3 Know the cultural norms in your firm
How does work get done around here? Who gets rewarded and why (which behaviors) and what is not tolerated? It is key to understand the general ocean you are swimming in and the direction of the currents to truly leverage systems, programs and processes that can help you positively impact culture and succeed in being a change leader. Going from status quo to a new world of meritocracy is a change project. Who are your allies? And who can you form coalitions with to create a more positive inclusive culture where people get to thrive, not just survive?
Start today. The journey is worth it and a leadership one. Anything less demotivates talented people, discredits true high team performance and denies the reality of the world around you. Build trust.
by Nicki Gilmour, CEO and Founder, Evolved People (theglasshammer.com)
If you want to be a leader, work with Nicki Gilmour – Founder of theglasshammer.com , organizational and leadership coach this summer. Book here for a free exploratory session and then decide if you want to commit to a six session pack for $2,200 this year.
Marie Carr: Global Growth Strategy, Insurance and Financial Services, PwC US
People, Voices of ExperienceFrom back when the internet seemed like an insecure and unproven place to do business to Artificial Intelligence (AI), Carr helps companies determine how to grow, particularly by taking advantage of technological changes that redefine customer interactions.
“People now want you to understand them,” Carr says of the client mindset: “I need you to understand me and frame things based not on what you want to sell me but on my unique needs.”
Carr champions adoption of new technologies that can help companies create better experiences for their customers, as well as actionable data that facilitates those positive experiences.
But what’s led Carr to where she is now and how has it related to her choice of careers? She cites motivation, how faith supports her, and how to find and respond to mentorship moments.
A Motivating Mission
“I went to business school to become a better entrepreneur,” says Carr, who decided early on to get her MBA at University of Chicago Booth School of Business.
She soon began to receive feedback that she’d make a great management consultant and realized that interning at a consultancy could support her education. She joined Diamond Technology Partners for a summer and twenty-five years later, long after PwC acquired the firm in 2010, she still loves where she is.
“I’ve been very blessed to work with leadership whose mission I believe in,” she says. “It’s easier to stay when you’re working with leaders who are building a culture that’s consistent with your values.”
She was initially inspired by Diamond founder Mel Bergstein’s vision in “forging a new path.” At the time, it was “unheard of” for a firm to grow to become publicly traded so that employees could own their own stake in it.
“To be able to work in something that you’re good at with like-minded people that also have a mission of greater good,” says Carr, “was a rare combination.”
With PwC, Carr found a new mission—to help build the advisory practice and ensure that what “was excellent about Diamond became part of PwC’s DNA.”
“Ten years later, folks who were younger consultants are coming into leadership positions and living those values,” says Carr. “It’s been a good journey.”
Overcoming Adversity and Keeping Faith
Carr feels her parents and faith instilled within her the ability “to never let temporary circumstances determine what your ultimate success is going to be.”
“Whatever adversity you have to overcome, overcome it,” says Carr, describing her parent’s motto, who both experienced tough challenges in childhood. “You can’t let the fact that there may have been discrimination stop you,” she says.
Raised in faith, Carr learned to trust in a greater power, which has enabled her to be comfortable in herself and have less anxiety than some in a high-pressure field.
“It’s not just about my own ability. I have confidence in and the ability to appeal to a force higher than myself. That’s helped me to be more patient, to put myself in other’s shoes, to not be so hard on myself,” says Carr. “You have to be able to center yourself, because you’re often going to find yourself in an environment that’s not going to affirm you. So, the ability to affirm yourself is really useful.”
Learning from Everyone
“I’ve learned a lot through observation. I’m very much a student of everyone. My dad taught me that ‘even the village idiot can teach you something’,” she says. “As I got older, I learned not to rush to judgment but instead ask, how do I learn from who I’m interacting with?”
She continues, “I’ve also found that people are very generous in helping you if you help yourself. Lots of people have given me advice in the moment, so I became good at getting feedback without being sensitive or defensive,” she says. “I’ve tried to learn from everyone, because there are a lot different paths to success.”
As she’s moved through her career, Carr has realized that she hasn’t always been aware of who’s advocating for her. As a result, she makes a conscious effort to advocate for others who she feels deserve a voice in the room.
Playing sports, particularly basketball, helped shape Carr’s approach. Being on a nationally ranked basketball team in high school meant being open to coaching and learning to do things differently to improve.
“Basketball is a team sport that really requires everyone to be able to fluidly move in and out of roles, that ability to adapt,” says Carr. “It has made me always look for what I could do to draw out the best of someone I’m working with.”
Leave It Better Than You Found It
Coming from a long line of ministers and pastors, Carr approaches management consulting as part of fulfilling her desire to serve.
Her mother advised her to always invest in people. For her, helping companies to grow and adapt is about affecting all the people who depend on the work to support their lives and families. She enjoys helping people and companies reach their highest potential.
Carr has run a financial summer camp on wealth empowerment and financial literacy for several years now, working in the community with younger generations to envision their possibilities.
“We’re accountable to making a difference in the world, says Carr. “You have to leave it better than it was when you got here.”
By: Aimee Hansen
OP-Ed: 9 Ways Working Moms Can Successfully Work From Home with Their Children Present
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!, Guest ContributionIf you’re a working parent considering making your home your new permanent workplace, you’re bound to have some moments when your work and home life intersect. While it’s ideal to have your kids in child care or to have someone present and watching your kids while you work, sick days and school holidays will likely mean you’ll need to simultaneously juggle caring for your kids and caring for your work obligations at least some of the time this coming year. Here’s how to handle working from home with your kids present long or short term.
1. Set Expectations. First, set expectations with your kids about the day’s activities and what you are doing and why. Ask them for what you need and explain the boundaries.
2. Distract Wisely. Give them age-appropriate distractions; it can be helpful to only allow screen time at these moments to keep their attention longer. Have a reward system in place to reinforce good behavior.
3. Plan Ahead. Try to set up calls on days or times your kids aren’t there or during normal nap times. Perhaps arrange for grandma or grandpa to stop by right before your call and read a favorite book to your child. Or ensure your calls are with another understanding parent if your kids are present. If you expect your kids to interrupt you, proactively let the person on the phone know in advance that it may happen, and explain the situation and how you’ll handle it.
Concentrate on your highest priority work to-dos and those that require the most intense level of attention first. Start your day before your children wake up. This valuable time will be free of interruptions and will have your full attention. If you only have time to work on a few things, make sure they’re the ones you really care about or that really need to get done.
4. Get Active Early. Depending on your schedule, play with your kids early in the day. Kids hate waiting, especially for our attention. Instead of making them more and more frustrated as you make just 1 more conference call, give them the attention they need at the start of the day and get them moving with fresh air and exercise, if possible, early on. Take a walk outside with your kids first thing in the morning when you wake up. When you finally do need to sit down and hammer out a few tasks, they won’t be so antsy, and you’ll be able to fully concentrate.
5. Think Outside the Box. Consider an alternative schedule, especially if you have a partner who is also working from home. Mom may take the 6:00 am to 2:00 pm shift with the kids, then “go to work” in her home office, and dad works 2:00 to 8:00 pm. Or divide up the day. Think about working in 2-hour shifts, switching off with your partner or another caregiver.
6. Consider Your Space. Designate areas of your home for specific tasks, and create visual cues that let your kids know you’re off-limits while you’re in those spaces. Your garage, the basement, a bedroom — these can all serve as work areas. When you physically separate from your kids and take yourself out of their line of vision, you’re less distracted, and your kids are less confused about your accessibility. As the saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind.” A red stop sign or a cutout of a hand on your office door is a clear indicator even to young children that work is in session and reinforces that you’re not available at the moment.
7. Create Structure. Set your kids up for success during important meetings by creating structure. For preschool and elementary children, set up interesting activity centers in their playroom with model clay, craft paper and markers, or books they can interact with while you’re away for a short time. For older children, make a list of 10 activities they can do when they feel bored and put it on the refrigerator as a reminder for the times you’re off-limits. Use times you’re completely off-limits to have them dedicate effort to traditional schoolwork or online learning.
8. Feed the Beast. Plan ahead for food needs. Cut up fruits and vegetables in advance and put them into containers labeled “Meeting Snacks.” Make mini quesadillas with protein and veggies, cut them into triangles, and set them out right before your meeting starts. For older kids, set out ingredients for sandwiches or salad before you head into a session with a client or coworker so it’s easy for them to put together a snack while you’re away.
9. Be Honest. Be transparent with your business partners about the fact your kids are in the home with you. The more honest we are about how our home and work lives intersect, the more we normalize that experience for others, and, ultimately, push employers toward considering our whole-person needs as they create policies and culture.
Above all, give yourself grace. Accept that when you’re trying to do two jobs simultaneously, you’re bound to sometimes be less than perfect at both of them. Take breaks with and without your kids. Definitely don’t add even more to your proverbial plate — the errands, the vacuuming, that toothpaste you still need to buy — it can all wait. And, remember, if you eventually find yourself longing for a little more separation between your work and home life, that’s okay, too.
Whitney Casares, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P., is the author of The Working Mom Blueprint: Winning at Parenting Without Losing Yourself. She is the Founder and CEO of Modern Mommy Doc and host of The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast.
Silke Soennecken: Head of Risk Management, Commerzbank New York
People, Voices of ExperienceSoennecken speaks to growing through challenge, retaining your power as a woman and letting go for others to grow.
When Things Turn Upside-Down, Learning Curves Go Up
As a Managing Director at Commerzbank New York, Soennecken is tasked to oversee governance and strategy for all risk management in the region, and is responsible for the bank’s entire North American credit portfolio. Based at a branch rather than head office, she enjoys the vantage point of gleaning how initiatives flow and come together, while gaining insight into areas of risk management that interrelate with her expertise in corporate credit.
As a risk manager, she thinks that despite the challenge, it is precisely the unexpected and unprecedented moments that provide the strongest learning experiences and opportunities to grow your skillset.
She experienced this first-hand in September 2008, when she joined Commerzbank just one month before the financial world fell into crisis, and then again this past year with the pandemic. Now Soennecken approaches these big upheavals with some fascination by observing how various players respond and react to crisis on all levels.
She notes her “extremely analytical mind” gives her the ability to remain curious and agile, as she is naturally prone to dissecting how the many pieces of a system work together and interact with each other—including considering the consequences in a scenario when one piece fails.
Flipping the Worst-Case Scenario
Soennecken had a first-hand experience of a worst-case work challenge, when years ago, her firm initiated a significant restructuring. Consequently, she witnessed a mass exodus of her entire 25 person department over just a few months, including team members she thought she could not afford to lose.
Tasked with restructuring the department, and never imagining she would end up doing it alone, she recalls a “breakdown moment” in the bathroom after the last person announced they, too, were leaving. However, beginning with temporary patches, Soennecken stood up and began to rebuild the entire department.
Although she had a private office, she instead moved her desk to the middle of the open floor, where anyone who joined would have access to her. Only after a three-year journey rebuilding the team did she return to her office with an open door policy.
“Rebuilding was hitting rock bottom where there was nothing left, and then climbing out from there to create a completely new department,” she recalls. “I didn’t know what to do except to put myself right in the middle and build from the inside out. I was just put in charge and swam my way out. But when I look back, I’m proud of the approach I took, and of what I accomplished.”
For Soennecken, the most impactful part of this experience was learning via unsolicited team member feedback about how her collaborative approach positively impacted their individual and collective growth.
Staying Confident as A Woman
“I had the advantage that I found progressive male mentors that supported me,” says Soennecken, “but I also found a lot of opposition along the way for being a woman.”
Having worked in banking for a few decades, she remembers earlier in her career being the only woman in rooms of men where she was asked to pour the coffee. Though she recalls wondering ‘why her?’, the request wasn’t entirely out of the norm at the time, and she wasn’t equipped to confront it like women are today.
“I wasn’t entirely aware that I was sometimes being treated in a way I shouldn’t have been treated,” says Soennecken. “As a consequence, certain elements of confidence were lost along the way that I didn’t notice I was losing, until I look back now.”
Today, she can recognize the minimizing ways in which she was talked to or handled as a woman, and how that wore down her natural confidence, while other habits arose to compensate and created a double bind.
“I ended up being a little harder than I was expected to be. I even had a coach for supposedly being too straightforward when talking to people,” she says, “but I think it was, in part, a consequence of navigating through a world where I had to push with my elbows to try to be heard. Now I know that I could have used a more feminine approach to get what I wanted without having to try to act like a man.”
In retrospect, Soennecken observed she could have used her intuitive and relational skills—such as sensing someone’s feelings about confrontation or mirroring their conversational tendencies—to achieve the influence she instead struggled for.
“Our sensitivity as women can work against us, but I realize I could have used that sensitivity to my advantage in interrelating,” she reflects. “It would have spared me some stress along the way.”
The Danger of Over-Explaining
Soennecken believes that it is important to encourage gender diversity in managerial roles, but on the flip side, women need not be required to champion every woman when it’s more objectivity that is needed.
When asked, one way she’s personally observed how women can undermine their own power is by defending themselves too much in the meeting room.
“We often think we are being attacked personally,” she says, noting many moments when she’s listened to another woman get drawn into over-explaining herself, going further only to lose her ground.
“If you make yourself small by defending yourself too much, by giving a lot of explanation for something that could be a simple answer,” she continues, ”then you lose all your power and the advantage you might have had.”
‘Letting Go’ For Others to Grow
Over the years, Soennecken has adapted from guiding people with a hands-on approach, to guiding people while letting go.
“When you are hands on, you do things a certain way and tend to believe others should do it the same way. But people have different approaches, and it takes time to admit to yourself those approaches are fine, and so are the consequences,” she says. “You are supporting the growth of people by allowing them to also make mistakes. You’re going to support and guide them, but there’s purpose in delegating and giving others the opportunity to grow and shine in their own way.”
As a mentor, she notices when people are stuck: “You see that someone is in the wrong job, but they are afraid of changing, finding the right job and really being happy. They’re making a big effort, but they can’t grow because it’s not what they want to do.”
“The potential is in embracing the unknown, not in staying in their comfort zone, but you get a lot of resistance because most people don’t like change. The success story happens when finally somebody embraces the change that is good for them,” she says. “You can help them realize the potential is there, and trust and support them, but they have to ultimately make the decision.”
When it comes to finding fulfillment at work and advancing up the career ladder, Soennecken feels it’s about going beyond. Being interested and doing “the extra” is what creates the sense of fulfillment for her.
“If you come to work every day and you type five pages because your job is to type five pages, you’re not going to progress,” she gives as an example. “But if you come in every day, and instead of typing five pages, one day you decide the pages could be a different color or a different layout or you can type eight pages or a book, then you grow.”
Never Forget “The Little Heart”
“You cannot have a more loyal employee than if the person has a personal situation, and you show you can be supportive,” says Soennecken. “Never forget about the personal side of the people you work with. It’s what I call ‘the little heart’ and everybody has ‘a little heart’. Very often, I think about ‘the little heart’ of my colleagues, regardless of their role or responsibility.”
When it comes to non-business workplace issues, for example redesigning seating arrangements, she knows certain things are important to people, and if she can accommodate a request, she will. While you can’t please everyone, she has found it makes all the difference to thoughtfully consider all parts of someone in the decisions she makes.
Speaking of little hearts, Soenneken is the single mother of two bright, energetic twin six-year-old girls. She feels the pandemic has helped to highlight what is most important in life and is enjoying the unexpected, but welcome, togetherness with her family.
By Aimee Hansen