“I tell people if you’re about to interview for a job, take our confidence language quiz because it will give you the words to advocate for yourself. You start to have the vocabulary for the conversation, including repositioning your weaknesses. When you understand your superpowers, you should feel seen, valued and heard – and in turn, you can advocate to be seen, valued and heard for your unique talents.”
We interviewed Lisa Sun, Founder and CEO of GRAVITAS, a company on a mission to catalyze confidence. In her first annual performance review, at 22 years old, Sun received what ultimately became life-changing catalytic words, “Lisa comes across as young and overly enthusiastic at times. She should seek to have more gravitas.”
After a decade of consulting with McKinsey & Company, Sun took a year-long travel sabbatical to step back from it all, before eventually launching her size-inclusive fashion brand in 2013. Within weeks of founding GRAVITAS, she was featured in O Magazine, People and on the TODAY Show, and later on CNN and in Forbes, Fast Company and more.
GRAVITAS has come to blend empowering professional clothing with inspiring content to help people show up as their full selves in full confidence from the inside out. As the national best-selling author of GRAVITAS: The 8 Strengths That Redefine Confidence, the podcast host of “In Confidence,” and a sought-after public speaker, Sun busts through the narrow cultural myth of one-dimensional confidence and inspires people to find their personal route to self-belief.
Based upon observation from thousands of diverse interactions across a decade and a 1,000 person quantitative study, Sun invites you to encounter your natural confidence language and identify your own superpowers at MyConfidenceLanguage.com.
Q: When you first made your career pivot from consulting, you started with fashion, so let’s begin there. Can you say more about the decision to lean into the external component of confidence?
For me, the unlock was realizing it’s not about how other people see you. It’s about how you see yourself and how you want to see yourself. That’s how outer and inner confidence are connected, because when you look in the mirror, you want to have a reminder you are powerful, self-assured, and bring talents and gifts to the world.
A lot of the work we’ve done is around the fact that, as children, we’re born fully self-confident. But then, something changes. We’ve identified six forces that enter our lives at adolescence, and then stay with us as the inner critic.
People find it weird we began in fashion because we see ourselves on a mission to catalyze confidence. But I started as a fashion company because I realized where women feel the most amount of insecurity is in the dressing room. It’s when you’re standing there half naked, in front of a mirror with poor lighting, that you start to think all the dark thoughts about yourself.
Inner confidence relates to how we see ourselves when we look in the mirror. Do we see ourselves in our best light? Most people think look at the new wrinkle or I could lose ten pounds. The conversation starts at the inner critic, and it’s a deep source of insecurity. Some people may never get to the point of thinking I have great eyes or I love the way I look and feel in this. Think about the difference in those two conversations.
When we do “The Confidence Closet,” what we call our fitting consultations, people come in with negative self-talk, pointing out flaws. I mirror to them three things I see that are beautiful, and we find something that brings those traits out.
A lot of the work is changing someone’s mindset. That’s why, in my book, I say confidence is a choice and a mindset before it becomes a behavior. And if you bring a negative mindset into any setting – dressing room, boardroom, any of those places – you’ve set yourself up to fail.
I envisioned we could change the chemistry of that dressing room moment of deep insecurity and instead give people clothing that reminds them of their own strengths and power. That’s why I started in fashion.
Q: Can you tell us more about these six forces and how they come to form the inner critic?
As children, we’re born self-confident. If you’ve ever been around a five-year-old, they are self-confident. Imagine you ask, “What are you the best at in the world?” They’ll say “I’m the best at soccer” or “I’m the best at hugs” or “I’m the best at everything.” At that age, we haven’t yet experienced setback or disappointment.
But in our adolescence, we start to become doubtful or self-conscious, so we identified six forces that enter our lives somewhere between the ages of eight and 12 years old. That inner critic stays. It’s nobody’s fault. It just happens because your social circle widens, you’re exposed to shame and embarrassment and you experience setbacks.
To be authentically self-assured, we need to make a choice to see those six forces, to choose not to take direction from them, and then to start to see ourselves for the talents that we bring to the table.
The six forces we identified are firstly, deficit mindset. This is where you see your flaws over your strengths. So, for example, when you look in the mirror, do you look for your beautiful eyes or the new wrinkle that formed?
Second, the shrinking effect. This is where you underestimate yourself or shortchange yourself. This is why people say “sorry” all day long when they haven’t done anything wrong. I tell people say “thank you” not “sorry.” Because if you say “sorry,” it assumes something is wrong with you. Shrinking effect is also why women will only apply for a job if 100% qualified to sit in the seat. They shortchange themselves. Whereas men will be like, “I’m 60% qualified, why not? There’s no harm.”
Third, the satisfaction conundrum. This is where we tie our self-worth to an external marker of success. I’ll be happy when I get that promotion, I’ll be happy when I get a raise. I’m not saying not to have goals, but when we tie our self-worth to an external marker, what happens? If we get it, it’s like a treadmill. We just chase the next one. I lost 10 pounds. I could lose another five. Or if we don’t, we beat ourselves up, and we don’t see all the abundance in our lives outside of that marker.
Fourth, the superhero facade. I got this. I’m awesome. Let me post on LinkedIn, so everyone’s reminded. Shonda Rhimes inspired me when she said, “Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.” Because if you’re a superhero, no one is invited to have fingerprints on your journey. The most confident people in the world will say, “Here’s what’s going well. Here’s where I need help. Are you the person to help me?”
Fifth, the setback spiral. This is where a negative moment, a criticism, or a disappointment expounds to how you feel about your entire life. So, my boss just gave me some feedback, and that must mean I’m a terrible sister, mother, best friend. All parts of my life are off.
Sixth, systemic bias. This is the asymmetrical structures of power and the mirror it holds up to us. For example, it took me twice as long as my male colleagues to get to partnership in consulting. It should have taken me six years. It took me nearly 12. But when I joined my firm in the 2000’s, less than 13% of the partnership was women, so I can’t beat myself up over that, because it’s simply a reflection the scorecard wasn’t designed to see me.
We developed the six forces framework because it’s a great way for people to talk to their inner critic. We always ask people which they’ve ever felt and which have they felt most often. We find that when you can name why you feel insecurity or fear, when you can name what is going on, when you can have a conversation with your inner critic, it changes things.
For example, Why am I scared to apply for the job? It’s shrinking effect. I’m underestimating myself. When you can name it, you take away its power. You also come to realize everyone else has the inner critic, so you can have compassion. Ultimately, if you can face down the worst case scenario created by the six forces, then you can take your superpowers and look at the best case. And the most likely scenario is closer to your best case because you’re in control.
Objectively, these six forces are true for anyone except for systemic bias, right? But they affect women more. These forces get better for boys and worse for girls because men have historically created and controlled the system, so it favors men or boys as they go through it. Everyone has an inner critic – men, women, non-binary – but systems aren’t shaped to help women overcome these six forces.
Q: Now, on the flip side, tell us more about the eight strengths of gravitas, or eight superpowers, that you’ve been able to identify to diversify the understanding of confidence.
Our quantitative study into confidence was inspired by the conversation when Janet Yellen was nominated to be Chair of the Federal Reserve. There were all these articles repeating how she didn’t have the “gravitas” to lead the Fed. One op-ed in the Washington Post pointed out this was just because she was soft-spoken. She is also qualified, empathetic and collaborative. The op-ed questioned why we only label people as having gravitas if they’re outspoken and assertive. So this quantitative study was designed to recognize someone like Yellen has plenty of gravitas, even if she’s not the loudest voice in the room.
We found eight superpowers that came through in the data. The first two are Leading and Performing.
Leading is I’m in charge, I set direction, I inspire followership. It doesn’t mean you have to lead a team. It means you have clear vision, take agency and can command resources.
Performing is what I’m doing for you in this talk. I’m outspoken, charismatic, and I don’t mind an audience. I’m comfortable speaking in front of others.
Those two strengths are the most written about. In terms of confidence, they represent less than 20% of our data set, so 80% of people (not just women, people, as this is designed to be universal) in our data set do not have those two superpowers, and that means 80% of people have been made to feel lacking.
The next two are called Achieving and Knowing.
Achieving is I have an athlete mindset. I get things done on time. I meet or exceed targets. Practice makes perfect. If I fail, I get up again.
Knowing is I’m smart. I’m researched. I’m thoughtful. I’m the most detail-oriented person in the room. You want to build Ikea furniture with someone who has Knowing because they’re going to read the entire instruction manual and have the process set up.
The best example of these superpowers are the three black women in the movie “Hidden Figures.” They were the smartest human computers who could do all the math to put a man into space.
The next two are called Giving and Believing.
Giving is I’m nurturing, I’m empathetic, I care about others. I care about relationships.
Believing is I’m optimistic. If bad things happen, they weren’t meant to be. I see the best in everyone in every situation.
If you’re familiar with Ted Lasso, his form of confidence is Believing and Giving. In season 1 of the show, he says he’s been underestimated his whole life because he’s not a commander coach. He’s not here to win or to lose, but to help everyone be the best versions of themselves.
The last two strengths are Creating and Self-Sustaining.
Creating is my number one superpower. That is I believe in things before I can see them. I can will ideas new existence. I could create something from nothing.
Self-Sustaining is I like myself. I don’t need to impress you. External validation is nice, but it doesn’t define me.
Self-sustaining is particularly hard for women, and tends to appear most often in women over the age of 50, who are like, I’ve seen it and done it all. Nothing can harm me. It’s the quality most needed to ask for a favor, a raise or overcome criticism without spiraling.
The four superpowers that appear most often amongst women in our data set are Achieving, Knowing, Giving and Believing. What we don’t often say is the entire book is ultimately an exercise in building the Self-Sustaining superpower. Because when you have that strength, you just know your value.
Q: Are your superpowers based only upon capacity or also enjoyment?
It’s more around natural enjoyment! All eight superpowers are available to everyone with effort and intention. But the reason I call it a “route to self-belief” is your superpowers are the ones you’re distinctive at without trying, without effort. These are your talents. This is what you can bring to the table without pushing yourself.
It should feel joyful. It should feel impassioned when you get your quiz results. It feels like that’s why I am in the room. You bring these distinctive superpowers to leadership.
On this note, people are often shocked to find out I only have four and a half of the superpowers. My top ones are Creating, Leading, Performing. At first, I had only these three. I’ve been consciously working on developing Giving & Self-Sustaining. And for the ones I don’t have, I hire people around me.
For example, I don’t have Achieving or Knowing. People are often shocked and point out how I get things done or I’m super smart, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy the element underneath that! I have a spreadsheet that’s due this week, and it’s like pulling teeth. It’s not like I can’t do it; I just don’t like doing it, so that’s not my strength.
Q: Is it only about working with the strengths you naturally have or also about developing the other strengths?
To me, it’s an “and.” I say in life, everything is an “and’ instead of a “but” or an “or. When someone tells you to be more confident, what do you do? You speak up. You’re assertive. You’re outspoken. But if you look up the word ‘confidence’ in the dictionary, it has nothing to do with bravado or swagger. It’s an understanding of, appreciation of and trust in your own abilities. It’s your own mindset before it becomes an expression.
The analogy we use is the iceberg model. Only 10% of the iceberg is visible – it’s behavior. 90% of the iceberg is below the waterline – it’s thoughts, values, feelings, wants and needs. So much of authentic confidence comes from understanding what’s below the water line. How do you think and feel about yourself? Are your talents valuable to you even when not traditionally ascribed as worthy of noticing?
At the same time, you might be in an organization or cultural context where there’s one or two superpowers you’re being asked to develop. It doesn’t take away from the foundation of strengths you bring. Some things will never be natural to you, but you still may need to learn that particular skill set, because it will help you to advance.
From our MyConfidenceLanguage.com quiz, we find that as women climb the ladder, they go from having two superpowers to four, or more. It’s not a personality test. It’s an inventory of talents and abilities in the moment. Then you get to take ownership and control over which ones you want to develop and why.
Q: Are certain superpowers more important for advancing in leadership?
I will give you a fun little twist in the data. Self-Sustaining is a superpower needed for a raise but not for a promotion. If you’re asking for a raise, you want to say, “Here’s my external market value. You’re going to give it to me or someone else will. And if you say ‘no,’ I know my potential in the market.” You can actually say it with authority from a market standpoint.
Whereas asking for a promotion is more around Leading and Achieving. “Here are my accomplishments. Here’s why I deserve the title change. Here’s why…” In that context, you are actually making a case for proving your value. So it’s a little different than Self-Sustaining which is, “This is the money I deserve in the market, and we can negotiate about it, but I know my value and my worth.”
People who have the Giving superpower are really good at emotionally intelligent behaviors, but are less comfortable advocating for themselves. And it’s worth noting that any women in our segmentation who had Leading as a superpower was two-to-three times more comfortable in each of thirty diverse situations we proposed. We don’t often emphasize this correlation, because we don’t want people to lean on or overvalue this one traditionally valued superpower.
Q: In terms of systemic bias, talk about the gravitas scorecard against which women are being benchmarked.
Kelly Shue at Yale School of Management (and others) looked at 30,000 employee records and found that women were consistently rated the highest on results in performance but the lowest on promotability. Men were very promotable but didn’t rate nearly as high on performance.
When she double-clicked into promotion potential, it was based on extraversion, charisma, and assertiveness. And so 40% of the pay gap related to promotion can now be identified as an incomplete scorecard. The scorecard is not scoring for actual management potential and results, because it often overlooks things like Achieving, Knowing, Giving – all the things women over-index on in our data set.
My mom just says, “It’s okay. When tsunami happens, men make speeches. Women clean up the beaches. We give the hugs and we get the work done.” It’s funny, but true. If men created the system and they value things like Leading and Performing, but women’s highest frequency of superpowers are not that, this explains the scorecard difference.
For example, in our book, we share the example of Susan, who booked a “confidence closet” fitting with me. As VP of Finance for a health insurance company, she had her sights on the CFO role since the current CFO was retiring. But the CEO told her she didn’t have the gravitas. She was so upset, so I asked her to question what he meant by that statement. We found out her top superpowers were Knowing, Giving and Achieving. Her CEO grew up in sales, so his top superpowers were Leading and Performing. His version of gravitas would be those superpowers, which means he was probably not scoring her strengths.
I encouraged her to advocate for the talents she brought to the table and find out how he defined gravitas. She confirmed he wanted her to speak up and take charge more, and she expressed she is comfortable doing that with clear opportunities and was open to coaching. She also had the highest engagement scores in the company because of her Giving superpower, and I told her to put that in his face. She promoted the lunchtime membership program she held for her team of 100 people as a driver of those engagement scores and demonstrated Leading by bringing the program idea to other divisions. A year later, she got the CFO job.
You simply can’t leave anything to mystery. You need to find out what these broad statements really mean and not let the six forces take over. You need to find the language of confidence that can help you advocate for yourself.
Q: Let’s go more into your unique journey. What motivated you back when you were in consulting versus what motivates you now?
As a consultant, I was so obsessed with making partner, I missed out on simply taking in the experience of being with my teammates and my clients and making a difference. I missed out on all that abundance, because I was laser-focused on the brass ring of making partner. I loved my clients. I loved my team. And when you consider my superpowers, it makes sense that’s what truly I loved about it.
But I was not good at so many things about being a consultant, and I fought through them. What the firm wanted from me and what I was actually good at were very different things. The scorecard of a good consultant was not built for me. I know this now, but all I wanted was to be successful, and I got caught up in external validation (satisfaction conundrum in full force!).
As soon as I put down the measuring stick and the metrics that were imposed upon me, I started to create my own measuring stick: Am I making a difference in the world? How can I help women?
I don’t have as much wealth now, the fancy business card or the title. There’s so many things I was willing to walk away from when I changed the measuring stick. But now, I am 100% more aligned with what I should be doing. I’m finally doing my life’s work. I love and resonate with Jensen Huang’s sentiment in that I’m not always happy, but I definitely love what I do every day.
Q: You emphasize that “Confidence is a choice and a mindset before it becomes a behavior.” How does that compare with the notion that it’s taking action that creates the result of confidence?
To start, I am not a “fake it to make it” person. When I was on book tour, an old boss told me he was going to call BS on my origin story about being told I didn’t have gravitas, because I was a “very confident 25 year old.” My reply to him was that I was faking it. I was deeply insecure, overachieving, and I went home every night and hated myself in the hotel room, while everyone just told me to speak up more.
For eleven years, I played that role, but I fundamentally didn’t like myself. So sometimes, the doing is inauthentic to how you actually feel. If I could travel back in time, I would give my 23 year old self this book. I would tell her she has lots of reasons not to loathe herself.
So, part of our approach is advising if you’re going to do it, then do it from a place of strength. The word ‘pivot’ isn’t just about a change in direction. It’s a central point on which you turn, and you’re going to be that much more capable if you know what gas you have in the tank. If you know what that central point is made of, you’re going to be more able to handle the bumps and bruises along the way. The doing is better if your starting point is an awareness of how strong you are. Life doesn’t get easier. We get stronger. If you acknowledge the strength up front, the doing is not as bumpy.
Otherwise, you can go out and take risk, but the first time you experience setback or disappointment, are you going to be able to self-soothe? If you just do it and fake it, you won’t be able to handle the feedback, and you won’t be able to handle the growth. Are you going to be able to say to yourself, here’s what I learned, I’m still strong and valuable even though it didn’t go my way – and do it again? That’s the difference.
My friend, Dr. Wendy Borlabi, is a performance expert. She says it’s not win-loss; it’s win-learn. Win-learn is a more powerful methodology, but you can’t win-learn unless you already like yourself and unless you’re pretty self-assured about what you bring to the table. Then, you can handle the tough learning curve.
Instead of MVP, I think the best award to win is most improved player. I love the journaling practice of documenting gratitude. But, I also have a “how did I get stronger?” journal. I like to consider how did I get stronger from last year or from yesterday? Part of gravitas is acknowledging your strengths up front, and then when life doesn’t go your way, you can still see how you got stronger beyond the external outcomes.
Q: Sometimes, our confidence falters because we’re displaced. In your personal journey, you faced a crossroads where you stepped back from the work you’d done as a consultant and “connected the dots” about where life wanted to take you. What guidance can you offer to women who are there?
Firstly, ask this. What was the best moment in the last 12 to 24 months of your life? Often we are so focused on the summit, we don’t look back to see how much ground we’ve covered. So I ask people to find the best moment – personal and professional – and double-click into that moment to ask what you did to make that moment a reality. It did not happen by luck or chance. It was your strengths and talents that made it happen.
When things aren’t going our way, whether jobs or relationships or whatever, it’s good to tap into “core memories” that did not happen by chance. You can even pick a photo of a meaningful moment and keep it on your phone to remind you of what you’ve already done. Remind yourself that a momentary setback does not define you. Peak performance moments do.
Secondly, I went through my own journey where I asked three questions that are also in my book: What am I good at? What do I love to do? What am I passionate about?
They sound the same, but they’re different.
What am I good at? I am good at analytics, so in terms of superpowers, Achieving and Knowing. But I don’t love to do it.
What do I love to do? I love creating things. I love helping people. I love leading teams.
What am I passionate about? At the time, I would say I was passionate about fashion and content, and those are the two things I created my company around.
So connecting the dots, I really borrowed the Steve Jobs mindset of choosing these life moments that were formative to you and remind yourself of the important building blocks on your way to your path. For example, in his case, he dropped out of college which meant he could audit a class on typography, so the first Mac had really cool fonts.
When you step back and look at the peak performance moments, or even the disappointments, you can see what you’ve learned. You can see the reason you’re on path already. These are the building blocks – and then reminding yourself of what you love to do and what your unique talents are.
That’s really why we created the confidence language quiz. If I could go back again to my 23-year old self and give myself the quiz, I would have seen the things I’m good at and the things I love to do are completely different.
I’d be able to stop questioning my value and ask, hey, am I in the right job?
Interviewed by Aimee Hansen of thestorytellerwithin.com.
OP-Ed: International Women’s Day 2022: Burnout, Sustainability and What Matters?
Career Advice, International Womens Day, NewsAs we enter year three of the global pandemic, with so many of us doing extreme amounts of work, and some of us also still balancing childcare with covid related closures of daycares and schools, isn’t it time to ask ourselves how can professional women and men (and especially anyone who has second and third shifts with kids and aging parents) do balance and self-care, better? What matters? And what role do firms have in creating the workplace of the future that we are ready to be in, now? This International Women’s Day, the manifesto should be to take a day off. Tomorrow the work will still be there!
Overwork and Burnout
There is work and then there is overwork. Chances are if you are reading this article, you have spent at least some of your career in the overwork zone. You probably work in financial, legal or professional services, in technology firms, big pharma, manufacturing, media or Fortune 500. You are probably a go-getter, highly ambitious and very successful. You probably have engaged some of the usual methods and possess some of the characteristics often needed to get to the top, including old fashioned hard and long work, a competitive nature, cognitive smarts, higher than average EQ to read the room, and a belief that improvement is always possible. Possibly three generations of professional women are reading this article with similar, yet evolving, culturally programmed definitions of success regarding wealth, status and career ladder climb concepts.
Is the extreme achievement mindset in sync with your life goals, your health and mental wellness? Is overachievement about meeting other people’s standards or earning your worth?
Dr. Devon Price, like many of us, came to his senses regarding extreme productivity after a health emergency. He insists that we should stop valuing ourselves in terms of our productivity at work. In the book, Laziness Does Not Exist, he affirms that ‘we don’t have to earn our right to exist’ with overwork and endless achievement.
Advice includes to listen to your body and to forget grinding away all the time to meet arbitrary standards. By reframing what being ‘lazy’ means, versus the allure of validation through achievement, a healthier, happier you can emerge.
“Laziness is usually a warning sign from our bodies and our mind that we need a break.”
In an interview with NPR, he discusses why we rationalize working so hard, and how asking for help, and helping others to helps us, prevents tiredness from overwork but also facilitates us to be better , due to feeling less exhausted as “our brains take micro-naps either way.”
It isn’t just you.
In several recent studies, isolated overwork came up as the most demotivating factor and biggest reason people are quitting jobs. This isn’t new news. Back in 2017, Inc magazine reported on employees quitting when leaders overwork people, show zero empathy and don’t respect time when people are out of the office living their lives, but it is further accentuated by the pandemic. Microsoft conducted an employee indexing survey of 30,000 that resulted in a study called “The Next Great Disruption is Hybrid Work – Are we Ready?”
By looking at trends including desire for flexible work and hybrid structures, the study reiterated what their CEO Satya Nadella called the hybrid work paradox. This study reveals that while people want more flexibility and remote options, they also seek deep human social connection. The same study reveals that high productivity is masking employee exhaustion and overwork. It states measurable uptick over the course of the year – February 2020 to February 2021 – on volume of emails sent, 66% increase on people working on documents, and meeting usage on teams increased in volume and time on meeting applications.
Uncovering your own Competing Agendas
Isn’t it time you figured out what you want for you? Start with your values. Take a look at what matters to you on this worksheet – literally, pick ten words that mean the most and then rank them 1-10, with one being what you value most. Are your actions matching your values? Are you living a humdrum existence while your top value is adventure? Are you spending fourteen hours a day at work when your top value is family? Now is a great to re-evaluate what matters to you. Be yourself, everyone else is taken as the adage goes.
If you had trouble thinking about how all of this meets reality, or deciding what your values are , or felt conflicted, that is part of the journey too. Hyper achievement and superhuman productivity are sometimes part of deep developmental gremlins that have made their way into our heads over time, so we can’t see any other way to be, making them our base operating system with everything else being an app on top. Kegan and Lahey, Developmental psychologists at Harvard, really have a superb method in their book, Immunity to Change, to help you figure out what your unconscious mind is doing to you while you happily goal set in your conscious mind all day long regarding work, fitness and home life. We are all a product of whatever beliefs and paradigms that we have accumulated throughout our life and if your granny/dad/mother/friend told you words to live by, chances are you are doing just that, implicitly following some guidelines without even knowing.
What are your saboteurs? There is another easy way to find out what is going on inside your own head by taking this short quiz on “How we self-sabotage” by Positive Intelligence. It is key to understand what is going on with yourself and what your self-talk is likely to be telling you. Let’s start with the gremlins. If you have something like hyperachievement as your top saboteur, then it is likely you will justify the overworking with sentences like ‘I must be effective and efficient, and ’emotions get in the way of performance.’ Or if you have a high control saboteur, you might be telling yourself things like, ‘well if I don’t do it, who will?’ Or, that people need people like you to get the job done. Show yourself some compassion and a great book to understand how to even begin to approach such a daunting task is Radical Compassion by Tara Brach. It is normal to feel your feelings and that includes joy.
In short, honor yourself on International Women’s Day by taking stock of what matters to you now, and how closely your own life feels aligned to that.
We are starting a Spring coaching cohort in May for sustainable success in 2022. Cost is $3,999 per person and includes a yearlong program with 6 sessions of executive coaching, peer coaching and career development training. Limited spots, contact nicki@theglasshammer.com and write spring coaching cohort in the title of the email.
By Nicki Gilmour, Founder and CEO of theglasshammer.com
Nicki founded theglasshammer in 2007 to inspire, inform and empower professional women in their careers. We have been the leading and longest running career advice online and in person media company in the USA for professional women in financial services.
Why Coaching Is So Powerful for Senior Leaders
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!Here are six powerful ways coaching helps senior leaders reclaim perspective and lead with greater clarity and impact.
1. A Rare Space for Honest Reflection
Senior leaders are frequently surrounded by people with competing agendas or cautious filters. Coaching offers a confidential, judgment-free space where leaders can think out loud, test assumptions, and examine blind spots without political risk.
Unlike a board or a management team, a coach’s only agenda is the leader’s development. This objectivity is rare, and incredibly powerful.
2. Support for Navigating Complexity and Ambiguity
The senior leadership landscape is rarely black and white. Decisions involve trade-offs, incomplete information, and wide-ranging impact. Coaches help leaders pause, zoom out, and reflect strategically instead of reacting tactically or emotionally.
By asking the right questions, coaches encourage broader thinking, deeper listening, and more thoughtful decision-making.
3. Development of Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
At the executive level, leadership success is less about technical expertise and more about emotional intelligence — how you show up, communicate, and influence others. Coaches help leaders build self-awareness around their behaviors, mindsets, and emotional triggers.
This kind of insight enables leaders to better manage themselves and others, particularly during periods of stress, change, or conflict.
4. Challenging the Comfort Zone
Senior leaders are often expected to be the ones challenging others. But who challenges them?
A skilled coach holds up a mirror and asks the difficult questions:
This challenge, balanced with support, drives real growth. Coaching helps leaders stretch into new mindsets and evolve in ways that books, courses, or peer feedback often can’t match.
5. From Competence to Legacy
Many senior leaders have mastered execution. They know how to hit goals, run operations, and deliver results. But coaching shifts the focus from short-term performance to long-term impact.
Leaders explore questions like:
This reflective process often unlocks deeper purpose and renews energy at a stage where burnout or stagnation can set in.
6. A Catalyst for Inclusive and Adaptive Leadership
Coaching also supports the shift from authority-based leadership to more inclusive, adaptive leadership which is an essential trait in today’s diverse, fast-changing world.
Senior leaders who work with coaches are more likely to:
These are not just soft skills—they’re core capabilities for modern leadership.
Take Your Leadership to the Next Level with an Executive Coach
Coaching is about unlocking potential. For senior leaders, it offers a rare combination of support, challenge, and reflection that’s hard to find elsewhere. It turns leadership from a role into a practice, helping executives lead not just with authority, but with wisdom, clarity, and humanity. In a world where the demands on leaders have never been greater, coaching provides something invaluable: the space to grow.
Book your complimentary exploration of coaching conversation for your leadership development plans for yourself or your team with Nicki Gilmour our head coach and founder here at theglasshammer.com
By Nicki Gilmour, founder and CEO of theglasshammer.com and Evolved People Coaching
Q&A with Lisa Sun, Gravitas Founder & CEO & Best-Selling Author
People, Thought LeadersWe interviewed Lisa Sun, Founder and CEO of GRAVITAS, a company on a mission to catalyze confidence. In her first annual performance review, at 22 years old, Sun received what ultimately became life-changing catalytic words, “Lisa comes across as young and overly enthusiastic at times. She should seek to have more gravitas.”
After a decade of consulting with McKinsey & Company, Sun took a year-long travel sabbatical to step back from it all, before eventually launching her size-inclusive fashion brand in 2013. Within weeks of founding GRAVITAS, she was featured in O Magazine, People and on the TODAY Show, and later on CNN and in Forbes, Fast Company and more.
GRAVITAS has come to blend empowering professional clothing with inspiring content to help people show up as their full selves in full confidence from the inside out. As the national best-selling author of GRAVITAS: The 8 Strengths That Redefine Confidence, the podcast host of “In Confidence,” and a sought-after public speaker, Sun busts through the narrow cultural myth of one-dimensional confidence and inspires people to find their personal route to self-belief.
Based upon observation from thousands of diverse interactions across a decade and a 1,000 person quantitative study, Sun invites you to encounter your natural confidence language and identify your own superpowers at MyConfidenceLanguage.com.
Q: When you first made your career pivot from consulting, you started with fashion, so let’s begin there. Can you say more about the decision to lean into the external component of confidence?
For me, the unlock was realizing it’s not about how other people see you. It’s about how you see yourself and how you want to see yourself. That’s how outer and inner confidence are connected, because when you look in the mirror, you want to have a reminder you are powerful, self-assured, and bring talents and gifts to the world.
A lot of the work we’ve done is around the fact that, as children, we’re born fully self-confident. But then, something changes. We’ve identified six forces that enter our lives at adolescence, and then stay with us as the inner critic.
People find it weird we began in fashion because we see ourselves on a mission to catalyze confidence. But I started as a fashion company because I realized where women feel the most amount of insecurity is in the dressing room. It’s when you’re standing there half naked, in front of a mirror with poor lighting, that you start to think all the dark thoughts about yourself.
Inner confidence relates to how we see ourselves when we look in the mirror. Do we see ourselves in our best light? Most people think look at the new wrinkle or I could lose ten pounds. The conversation starts at the inner critic, and it’s a deep source of insecurity. Some people may never get to the point of thinking I have great eyes or I love the way I look and feel in this. Think about the difference in those two conversations.
When we do “The Confidence Closet,” what we call our fitting consultations, people come in with negative self-talk, pointing out flaws. I mirror to them three things I see that are beautiful, and we find something that brings those traits out.
A lot of the work is changing someone’s mindset. That’s why, in my book, I say confidence is a choice and a mindset before it becomes a behavior. And if you bring a negative mindset into any setting – dressing room, boardroom, any of those places – you’ve set yourself up to fail.
I envisioned we could change the chemistry of that dressing room moment of deep insecurity and instead give people clothing that reminds them of their own strengths and power. That’s why I started in fashion.
Q: Can you tell us more about these six forces and how they come to form the inner critic?
As children, we’re born self-confident. If you’ve ever been around a five-year-old, they are self-confident. Imagine you ask, “What are you the best at in the world?” They’ll say “I’m the best at soccer” or “I’m the best at hugs” or “I’m the best at everything.” At that age, we haven’t yet experienced setback or disappointment.
But in our adolescence, we start to become doubtful or self-conscious, so we identified six forces that enter our lives somewhere between the ages of eight and 12 years old. That inner critic stays. It’s nobody’s fault. It just happens because your social circle widens, you’re exposed to shame and embarrassment and you experience setbacks.
To be authentically self-assured, we need to make a choice to see those six forces, to choose not to take direction from them, and then to start to see ourselves for the talents that we bring to the table.
The six forces we identified are firstly, deficit mindset. This is where you see your flaws over your strengths. So, for example, when you look in the mirror, do you look for your beautiful eyes or the new wrinkle that formed?
Second, the shrinking effect. This is where you underestimate yourself or shortchange yourself. This is why people say “sorry” all day long when they haven’t done anything wrong. I tell people say “thank you” not “sorry.” Because if you say “sorry,” it assumes something is wrong with you. Shrinking effect is also why women will only apply for a job if 100% qualified to sit in the seat. They shortchange themselves. Whereas men will be like, “I’m 60% qualified, why not? There’s no harm.”
Third, the satisfaction conundrum. This is where we tie our self-worth to an external marker of success. I’ll be happy when I get that promotion, I’ll be happy when I get a raise. I’m not saying not to have goals, but when we tie our self-worth to an external marker, what happens? If we get it, it’s like a treadmill. We just chase the next one. I lost 10 pounds. I could lose another five. Or if we don’t, we beat ourselves up, and we don’t see all the abundance in our lives outside of that marker.
Fourth, the superhero facade. I got this. I’m awesome. Let me post on LinkedIn, so everyone’s reminded. Shonda Rhimes inspired me when she said, “Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life.” Because if you’re a superhero, no one is invited to have fingerprints on your journey. The most confident people in the world will say, “Here’s what’s going well. Here’s where I need help. Are you the person to help me?”
Fifth, the setback spiral. This is where a negative moment, a criticism, or a disappointment expounds to how you feel about your entire life. So, my boss just gave me some feedback, and that must mean I’m a terrible sister, mother, best friend. All parts of my life are off.
Sixth, systemic bias. This is the asymmetrical structures of power and the mirror it holds up to us. For example, it took me twice as long as my male colleagues to get to partnership in consulting. It should have taken me six years. It took me nearly 12. But when I joined my firm in the 2000’s, less than 13% of the partnership was women, so I can’t beat myself up over that, because it’s simply a reflection the scorecard wasn’t designed to see me.
We developed the six forces framework because it’s a great way for people to talk to their inner critic. We always ask people which they’ve ever felt and which have they felt most often. We find that when you can name why you feel insecurity or fear, when you can name what is going on, when you can have a conversation with your inner critic, it changes things.
For example, Why am I scared to apply for the job? It’s shrinking effect. I’m underestimating myself. When you can name it, you take away its power. You also come to realize everyone else has the inner critic, so you can have compassion. Ultimately, if you can face down the worst case scenario created by the six forces, then you can take your superpowers and look at the best case. And the most likely scenario is closer to your best case because you’re in control.
Objectively, these six forces are true for anyone except for systemic bias, right? But they affect women more. These forces get better for boys and worse for girls because men have historically created and controlled the system, so it favors men or boys as they go through it. Everyone has an inner critic – men, women, non-binary – but systems aren’t shaped to help women overcome these six forces.
Q: Now, on the flip side, tell us more about the eight strengths of gravitas, or eight superpowers, that you’ve been able to identify to diversify the understanding of confidence.
Our quantitative study into confidence was inspired by the conversation when Janet Yellen was nominated to be Chair of the Federal Reserve. There were all these articles repeating how she didn’t have the “gravitas” to lead the Fed. One op-ed in the Washington Post pointed out this was just because she was soft-spoken. She is also qualified, empathetic and collaborative. The op-ed questioned why we only label people as having gravitas if they’re outspoken and assertive. So this quantitative study was designed to recognize someone like Yellen has plenty of gravitas, even if she’s not the loudest voice in the room.
We found eight superpowers that came through in the data. The first two are Leading and Performing.
Leading is I’m in charge, I set direction, I inspire followership. It doesn’t mean you have to lead a team. It means you have clear vision, take agency and can command resources.
Performing is what I’m doing for you in this talk. I’m outspoken, charismatic, and I don’t mind an audience. I’m comfortable speaking in front of others.
Those two strengths are the most written about. In terms of confidence, they represent less than 20% of our data set, so 80% of people (not just women, people, as this is designed to be universal) in our data set do not have those two superpowers, and that means 80% of people have been made to feel lacking.
The next two are called Achieving and Knowing.
Achieving is I have an athlete mindset. I get things done on time. I meet or exceed targets. Practice makes perfect. If I fail, I get up again.
Knowing is I’m smart. I’m researched. I’m thoughtful. I’m the most detail-oriented person in the room. You want to build Ikea furniture with someone who has Knowing because they’re going to read the entire instruction manual and have the process set up.
The best example of these superpowers are the three black women in the movie “Hidden Figures.” They were the smartest human computers who could do all the math to put a man into space.
The next two are called Giving and Believing.
Giving is I’m nurturing, I’m empathetic, I care about others. I care about relationships.
Believing is I’m optimistic. If bad things happen, they weren’t meant to be. I see the best in everyone in every situation.
If you’re familiar with Ted Lasso, his form of confidence is Believing and Giving. In season 1 of the show, he says he’s been underestimated his whole life because he’s not a commander coach. He’s not here to win or to lose, but to help everyone be the best versions of themselves.
The last two strengths are Creating and Self-Sustaining.
Creating is my number one superpower. That is I believe in things before I can see them. I can will ideas new existence. I could create something from nothing.
Self-Sustaining is I like myself. I don’t need to impress you. External validation is nice, but it doesn’t define me.
Self-sustaining is particularly hard for women, and tends to appear most often in women over the age of 50, who are like, I’ve seen it and done it all. Nothing can harm me. It’s the quality most needed to ask for a favor, a raise or overcome criticism without spiraling.
The four superpowers that appear most often amongst women in our data set are Achieving, Knowing, Giving and Believing. What we don’t often say is the entire book is ultimately an exercise in building the Self-Sustaining superpower. Because when you have that strength, you just know your value.
Q: Are your superpowers based only upon capacity or also enjoyment?
It’s more around natural enjoyment! All eight superpowers are available to everyone with effort and intention. But the reason I call it a “route to self-belief” is your superpowers are the ones you’re distinctive at without trying, without effort. These are your talents. This is what you can bring to the table without pushing yourself.
It should feel joyful. It should feel impassioned when you get your quiz results. It feels like that’s why I am in the room. You bring these distinctive superpowers to leadership.
On this note, people are often shocked to find out I only have four and a half of the superpowers. My top ones are Creating, Leading, Performing. At first, I had only these three. I’ve been consciously working on developing Giving & Self-Sustaining. And for the ones I don’t have, I hire people around me.
For example, I don’t have Achieving or Knowing. People are often shocked and point out how I get things done or I’m super smart, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy the element underneath that! I have a spreadsheet that’s due this week, and it’s like pulling teeth. It’s not like I can’t do it; I just don’t like doing it, so that’s not my strength.
Q: Is it only about working with the strengths you naturally have or also about developing the other strengths?
To me, it’s an “and.” I say in life, everything is an “and’ instead of a “but” or an “or. When someone tells you to be more confident, what do you do? You speak up. You’re assertive. You’re outspoken. But if you look up the word ‘confidence’ in the dictionary, it has nothing to do with bravado or swagger. It’s an understanding of, appreciation of and trust in your own abilities. It’s your own mindset before it becomes an expression.
The analogy we use is the iceberg model. Only 10% of the iceberg is visible – it’s behavior. 90% of the iceberg is below the waterline – it’s thoughts, values, feelings, wants and needs. So much of authentic confidence comes from understanding what’s below the water line. How do you think and feel about yourself? Are your talents valuable to you even when not traditionally ascribed as worthy of noticing?
At the same time, you might be in an organization or cultural context where there’s one or two superpowers you’re being asked to develop. It doesn’t take away from the foundation of strengths you bring. Some things will never be natural to you, but you still may need to learn that particular skill set, because it will help you to advance.
From our MyConfidenceLanguage.com quiz, we find that as women climb the ladder, they go from having two superpowers to four, or more. It’s not a personality test. It’s an inventory of talents and abilities in the moment. Then you get to take ownership and control over which ones you want to develop and why.
Q: Are certain superpowers more important for advancing in leadership?
I will give you a fun little twist in the data. Self-Sustaining is a superpower needed for a raise but not for a promotion. If you’re asking for a raise, you want to say, “Here’s my external market value. You’re going to give it to me or someone else will. And if you say ‘no,’ I know my potential in the market.” You can actually say it with authority from a market standpoint.
Whereas asking for a promotion is more around Leading and Achieving. “Here are my accomplishments. Here’s why I deserve the title change. Here’s why…” In that context, you are actually making a case for proving your value. So it’s a little different than Self-Sustaining which is, “This is the money I deserve in the market, and we can negotiate about it, but I know my value and my worth.”
People who have the Giving superpower are really good at emotionally intelligent behaviors, but are less comfortable advocating for themselves. And it’s worth noting that any women in our segmentation who had Leading as a superpower was two-to-three times more comfortable in each of thirty diverse situations we proposed. We don’t often emphasize this correlation, because we don’t want people to lean on or overvalue this one traditionally valued superpower.
Q: In terms of systemic bias, talk about the gravitas scorecard against which women are being benchmarked.
Kelly Shue at Yale School of Management (and others) looked at 30,000 employee records and found that women were consistently rated the highest on results in performance but the lowest on promotability. Men were very promotable but didn’t rate nearly as high on performance.
When she double-clicked into promotion potential, it was based on extraversion, charisma, and assertiveness. And so 40% of the pay gap related to promotion can now be identified as an incomplete scorecard. The scorecard is not scoring for actual management potential and results, because it often overlooks things like Achieving, Knowing, Giving – all the things women over-index on in our data set.
My mom just says, “It’s okay. When tsunami happens, men make speeches. Women clean up the beaches. We give the hugs and we get the work done.” It’s funny, but true. If men created the system and they value things like Leading and Performing, but women’s highest frequency of superpowers are not that, this explains the scorecard difference.
For example, in our book, we share the example of Susan, who booked a “confidence closet” fitting with me. As VP of Finance for a health insurance company, she had her sights on the CFO role since the current CFO was retiring. But the CEO told her she didn’t have the gravitas. She was so upset, so I asked her to question what he meant by that statement. We found out her top superpowers were Knowing, Giving and Achieving. Her CEO grew up in sales, so his top superpowers were Leading and Performing. His version of gravitas would be those superpowers, which means he was probably not scoring her strengths.
I encouraged her to advocate for the talents she brought to the table and find out how he defined gravitas. She confirmed he wanted her to speak up and take charge more, and she expressed she is comfortable doing that with clear opportunities and was open to coaching. She also had the highest engagement scores in the company because of her Giving superpower, and I told her to put that in his face. She promoted the lunchtime membership program she held for her team of 100 people as a driver of those engagement scores and demonstrated Leading by bringing the program idea to other divisions. A year later, she got the CFO job.
You simply can’t leave anything to mystery. You need to find out what these broad statements really mean and not let the six forces take over. You need to find the language of confidence that can help you advocate for yourself.
Q: Let’s go more into your unique journey. What motivated you back when you were in consulting versus what motivates you now?
As a consultant, I was so obsessed with making partner, I missed out on simply taking in the experience of being with my teammates and my clients and making a difference. I missed out on all that abundance, because I was laser-focused on the brass ring of making partner. I loved my clients. I loved my team. And when you consider my superpowers, it makes sense that’s what truly I loved about it.
But I was not good at so many things about being a consultant, and I fought through them. What the firm wanted from me and what I was actually good at were very different things. The scorecard of a good consultant was not built for me. I know this now, but all I wanted was to be successful, and I got caught up in external validation (satisfaction conundrum in full force!).
As soon as I put down the measuring stick and the metrics that were imposed upon me, I started to create my own measuring stick: Am I making a difference in the world? How can I help women?
I don’t have as much wealth now, the fancy business card or the title. There’s so many things I was willing to walk away from when I changed the measuring stick. But now, I am 100% more aligned with what I should be doing. I’m finally doing my life’s work. I love and resonate with Jensen Huang’s sentiment in that I’m not always happy, but I definitely love what I do every day.
Q: You emphasize that “Confidence is a choice and a mindset before it becomes a behavior.” How does that compare with the notion that it’s taking action that creates the result of confidence?
To start, I am not a “fake it to make it” person. When I was on book tour, an old boss told me he was going to call BS on my origin story about being told I didn’t have gravitas, because I was a “very confident 25 year old.” My reply to him was that I was faking it. I was deeply insecure, overachieving, and I went home every night and hated myself in the hotel room, while everyone just told me to speak up more.
For eleven years, I played that role, but I fundamentally didn’t like myself. So sometimes, the doing is inauthentic to how you actually feel. If I could travel back in time, I would give my 23 year old self this book. I would tell her she has lots of reasons not to loathe herself.
So, part of our approach is advising if you’re going to do it, then do it from a place of strength. The word ‘pivot’ isn’t just about a change in direction. It’s a central point on which you turn, and you’re going to be that much more capable if you know what gas you have in the tank. If you know what that central point is made of, you’re going to be more able to handle the bumps and bruises along the way. The doing is better if your starting point is an awareness of how strong you are. Life doesn’t get easier. We get stronger. If you acknowledge the strength up front, the doing is not as bumpy.
Otherwise, you can go out and take risk, but the first time you experience setback or disappointment, are you going to be able to self-soothe? If you just do it and fake it, you won’t be able to handle the feedback, and you won’t be able to handle the growth. Are you going to be able to say to yourself, here’s what I learned, I’m still strong and valuable even though it didn’t go my way – and do it again? That’s the difference.
My friend, Dr. Wendy Borlabi, is a performance expert. She says it’s not win-loss; it’s win-learn. Win-learn is a more powerful methodology, but you can’t win-learn unless you already like yourself and unless you’re pretty self-assured about what you bring to the table. Then, you can handle the tough learning curve.
Instead of MVP, I think the best award to win is most improved player. I love the journaling practice of documenting gratitude. But, I also have a “how did I get stronger?” journal. I like to consider how did I get stronger from last year or from yesterday? Part of gravitas is acknowledging your strengths up front, and then when life doesn’t go your way, you can still see how you got stronger beyond the external outcomes.
Q: Sometimes, our confidence falters because we’re displaced. In your personal journey, you faced a crossroads where you stepped back from the work you’d done as a consultant and “connected the dots” about where life wanted to take you. What guidance can you offer to women who are there?
Firstly, ask this. What was the best moment in the last 12 to 24 months of your life? Often we are so focused on the summit, we don’t look back to see how much ground we’ve covered. So I ask people to find the best moment – personal and professional – and double-click into that moment to ask what you did to make that moment a reality. It did not happen by luck or chance. It was your strengths and talents that made it happen.
When things aren’t going our way, whether jobs or relationships or whatever, it’s good to tap into “core memories” that did not happen by chance. You can even pick a photo of a meaningful moment and keep it on your phone to remind you of what you’ve already done. Remind yourself that a momentary setback does not define you. Peak performance moments do.
Secondly, I went through my own journey where I asked three questions that are also in my book: What am I good at? What do I love to do? What am I passionate about?
They sound the same, but they’re different.
What am I good at? I am good at analytics, so in terms of superpowers, Achieving and Knowing. But I don’t love to do it.
What do I love to do? I love creating things. I love helping people. I love leading teams.
What am I passionate about? At the time, I would say I was passionate about fashion and content, and those are the two things I created my company around.
So connecting the dots, I really borrowed the Steve Jobs mindset of choosing these life moments that were formative to you and remind yourself of the important building blocks on your way to your path. For example, in his case, he dropped out of college which meant he could audit a class on typography, so the first Mac had really cool fonts.
When you step back and look at the peak performance moments, or even the disappointments, you can see what you’ve learned. You can see the reason you’re on path already. These are the building blocks – and then reminding yourself of what you love to do and what your unique talents are.
That’s really why we created the confidence language quiz. If I could go back again to my 23-year old self and give myself the quiz, I would have seen the things I’m good at and the things I love to do are completely different.
I’d be able to stop questioning my value and ask, hey, am I in the right job?
Interviewed by Aimee Hansen of thestorytellerwithin.com.
Own Your Energy: Seven Keys to Honing Your Personal Power
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!Are you still perceiving power as the ability to exert control over others – or to be subject to another’s control? What if you began to define power instead as the energy you cultivate when you move in alignment with your truth as you navigate the choices of your days?
In any given situation, do you remember to re-orient yourself towards your axis of personal power? Are you aware of how you leak power? Are you aware of how you build it? No matter the situation, you hold power. How you perceive and steward that power – especially with yourself – matters most.
Leading and empowering others begins with your ability to authentically lead and empower yourself. Here are seven ways to step into greater energetic mastery of personal power.
1) Disrupt the urge to dominate yourself.
In the patriarchal paradigm, achieving outcomes often means using pressure and domination inside of a hierarchy. When you internalize this, you dominate yourself to meet external demands – often at a profound cost to your well-being.
If you laud force over yourself to make things happen, you push beyond your limits, override your embodied truth, and live in chronic stress and anxiety, priming yourself for burnout. As Stephen Covey illustrates, you err when you prioritize the golden eggs (production) over the goose that creates them.
Empowering yourself means honoring how you treat yourself – mentally, energetically, and physically – rather than devaluing yourself. When you stop normalizing self-dominance, it become harder for others to dominate you and easier to discern toxic environments.
2) Start moving from where you stand now.
Often we displace our power to some future, idealized scenario.
You tell yourself that when you reach a certain title, goalpost, or milestone, you’ll finally manage your time better, assert yourself, relax, or set boundaries. If only something were different, you think, or if you attain that one qualification, then you could make the leap.
But any notion that displaces your personal power to a future scenario blinds you to the power you presently hold. It may even create a false story about what is necessary to move toward what you want, suspending your ability to act here and now.
Your ability to affect your experience never lies in the future. It is available in this moment.
3) Stop seeing giants around you.
“If a person continues to see giants, it means he is still looking at the world through the eyes of a child.” ― Anas Nin
In patriarchal culture, we are conditioned to see authority as external to ourselves. No matter how far you are in your career, do you still find yourself projecting disproportionate power onto certain people, especially those with prestigious titles or positions?
True power exists within you – it’s how you manage your energy and choices in every interaction. It can neither be granted nor taken away. It has nothing to do with role, reputation, or permission. It’s embodied from within.
When you see giants around you, you subtly give away your power. If you stopped, what might you be willing to speak, do, or risk?
4) Get honest about what holds power over you.
Unconscious thoughts and behaviors drive most of our daily interactions. More than any person or institution, you surrender your power to beliefs, patterns, stories, habits, and cultural norms. What you repeatedly activate infuses your energy. The narratives you tell yourself shape your lived reality and how much power you have.
When you react rather than respond, you are not in your power. Certain interactions, people, or thoughts can trigger you to lose regulation, unplug your energy, or activate fear-based behaviors.
Bringing these dynamics into your conscious awareness allows you to investigate how you lose power, such as:
Where you lose power impacts upon your ability to show up authentically in leadership. As the saying goes, the calmest person in the room holds the most power.
Working with an executive coach can help you to reveal and recalibrate the power battles you face within.
5) Practice discernment and boundaries.
“Energy is power. And it is your responsibility to monitor how you manage it.” – Caroline Myss
Navigating your “yes” and “no” is energy management and has consequences for your clarity, health, and sense of power. When you cannot say “no,” you victimize yourself.
Boundaries matter. Not every invitation requires your attention. Not every conflict merits your engagement. Not everyone has free access to your energy and time.
Practicing discernment can strengthen your energetic field, so you are not scattering energy or leaking power. You sense intuitively what is in alignment for you. Sometimes this means action; other times, withdrawing or letting go.
Every time you say “yes” to a clear internal “no,” you chip away at your personal power. It is far healthier for you to disappoint others than to betray yourself. When you manage your energy, you radiate an authenticity and leadership rooted in self-esteem and self-respect.
6) Keep your word with yourself, first.
Trust is a foundation of leadership, including self-leadership. When you deeply trust yourself, you build the inner wholeness essential to personal power. But as Martha Beck writes in “The Way of Integrity,” lying to yourself – even in small ways – wreaks inner havoc.
When your thoughts, energy, and actions align, you come from inner coherence. Power rooted in real integrity speaks through your presence, energy, and actions, far more so than power rooted in title, performance, or external validation.
7) Calibrate your presence from within.
The ultimate power you hold is your perception and ability to define your inner experience. Most people live in reaction. Because of X or Y or Z, we must shrink or be afraid or lose trust. But circumstances and meaning are two different things, and context does not dictate response.
You can default to reflecting the environment, or you can anchor your tone from within. You decide whether to mirror chaos and fear and victimhood or to choose calm and groundedness and trust. Personal power happens when you no longer default to unconscious reactions but instead move from conscious choice, sourcing your stability from within.
If there is one power dynamic you master, let it be the one you hold with yourself. This will transform the way you move through every challenge, opportunity, and relationship – and it will redefine the quality of your leadership.
Alongside years of writing on leadership, Aimee Hansen is the founder of Storyteller Within and leads the Journey Into Sacred Expression women’s retreat on Lake Atitlan, Guatemala. Her upcoming event is July 26th – August 4th, 2025. Follow her at thestorytellerwithin.com, on instagram, and via Linked In.
Natalie Runyon: Content Strategist for ESG, Human Rights Crimes and AI in Courts, Thomson Reuters
Movers and Shakers, PeopleFirst profiled in 2013 while Director of Global Security at Thomson Reuters, Runyon reflects on how her mindset of continual evolution has shaped her approach to achievement, purpose, and impact. She speaks to how she has embraced change with intention, guided by adaptability, self-awareness, and a commitment to aligning her professional growth with her personal values.
Evolving Through Curiosity and Change
Early in her career, Runyon made a name for herself in security operations, first at Goldman Sachs and later at Thomson Reuters, where she managed critical operations around the clock. At the same time, Runyon was already thinking about the future, getting involved with the company’s women’s network, earning a coaching certification, and launching a workshop called Be the CEO of Your Career, which eventually reached more than 1,300 employees globally.
“Be the CEO of Your Career was translated into Spanish and Portuguese, and I trained facilitators to lead it. It helped get my name out there, build my credibility and expand my network.”
That visibility opened the door to a lateral move into sales operations, a role that allowed her to transition out of security and take on new challenges, but with more regular hours. “It was a big relief,” she says. “By then, I had two young kids, and I needed a shift.”
After a few years in sales, Runyon made her next career leap to a position at the Thomson Reuters Institute, where she has spent the last seven years curating thought leadership on topics ranging from talent and inclusion to ESG, human rights, and AI in the courts. While the content areas have shifted over time, one thing has remained constant: her ability to dive into unfamiliar territory with confidence.
“One consistent thread throughout my career, and why I have been able to make such big moves, is that I’m very comfortable operating in ambiguity and understanding how to ask the right questions to leverage the collective expertise of the people around me.”
In addition to being comfortable with uncertainty, Runyon highlights her natural curiosity as a strength. When she was asked to lead the Institute’s coverage of ESG, she got two ESG certifications to build her credibility and experience, “it opened up a new area for me to sink my teeth into and learn something new.”
That same curiosity is now guiding her latest area of focus: AI governance in court systems. “It’s not something I ever thought I’d be working on,” she says, “but I love that my role continues to evolve. Even though my title hasn’t changed, the content keeps shifting, and that keeps it interesting.”
Reframing Success and Failure
Runyon’s career evolution has also been shaped by her willingness to take risks outside the corporate world. She reflects on how her experiences as an entrepreneur, first in launching a coaching business, and later in acquiring a small company, shaped her definition of success and failure.
“Even though I originally designed the Be the CEO of Your Career workshop for my own coaching business, I probably had more impact rolling it out at Thomson Reuters than I ever would have had as a solo coach,” she says. “That was a success, just not the one I originally pictured.”
Years later, she challenged herself again by buying a business, after investing significant time in learning how to value and grow companies. However, when a family matter demanded her focus, she made the decision to sell. “I sold it at a loss, and financially it was rough,” she says, “but I don’t regret that decision at all.”
Through it all, Runyon has reframed what success looks like. “I don’t really look at things as failures, I look at them as learning opportunities,” she explains. “Life is fluid. None of my plans have ever worked out exactly the way I thought they would, but life has worked out.”
For Runyon, evolution is not about a perfect outcome. It’s about continuing to ask herself the hard questions, adapt, and stay open to wherever growth leads next.
The Dual Impact of Leadership Coaching
With a background in leadership coaching, it is no surprise that Runyon is a firm believer in its transformative impact. She often draws on what she learned during her training, skills that continue to influence how she leads, communicates, and navigates challenges at work.
“From the ability to ask good questions when I’m interviewing somebody for an article to having a level of comfort in asking the hard questions and not being afraid of the answers, my training as a coach has impacted me in foundational ways.”
She continues, “that includes not letting fear drive decision making, because in coaching you learn how to look at the worst-case scenario and explore questions like, ‘how bad can it really be? What if that happens? What can you do about it?’ That mindset has impacted my ability to adapt and flex and pivot.” Additionally, Runyon points to emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and the ability to see things from multiple perspectives as aspects of coaching that she continues to apply in her day-to-day life.
Runyon is also quick to acknowledge the impact coaching has had on her personally, having experienced its benefits not just as a practitioner, but as a client.
“In 2019, I was completely burnt out between juggling work, young kids, and being on two nonprofit boards. I met with Nicki for coffee, and she saw right away that I was miserable. She coached me for six months and helped me see how my mindset wasn’t serving me. She helped me recognize and assert that ‘no’ is a complete sentence and to give myself space to figure out what I needed next. It was a pivotal moment where coaching was critical.”
Grounded by Growth
As Runyon looks to the future, she acknowledges that her path is still unfolding. “I’m still trying to find my way,” she notes. “I’m challenging myself in new ways to give me clarity.”
Today, her focus is less on chasing traditional career milestones and more on creating lasting impact, especially through her family. “My biggest goal is to raise good human beings,” she emphasizes. “If I can give my kids the learnings I’ve had — to take risks, to not be afraid of failure, to stay true to themselves, then that’s success.”
Outside of work, Runyon continues to pursue growth on her own terms. What started as a personal challenge to swim a mile, a skill she once disliked, has grown into training for a sprint triathlon. “I’m trying to stretch myself, to do hard things, and to keep learning,” she says. She also set a goal two years ago to visit all 50 states by the time she turned 50, a milestone she will complete this summer.
Setting ambitious goals, inside and outside of work, is part of how Runyon continues to evolve. As she puts it, “It’s about progress, not perfection…You’re in charge of your own journey. You’re in charge of your own path. Just live your life.”
By Jessica Robaire
Attachment Styles: What Are They, and Why Do They Matter in the Workplace?
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!Maria is frustrated with her new employee, Kai. While Kai is talented and personable, he often avoids direct communication, is slow to respond to emails or messages, and seems uncomfortable with feedback or accountability. He tends to shut down when conversations become even mildly confrontational and frequently deflects responsibility by making excuses for missed deadlines. Although he’s likable, he keeps a noticeable emotional distance from the team and avoids collaborative tasks when possible. Maria wishes he would be more like her other report, Jayden, who is consistently dependable and proactive. She finds herself wondering: why people are, well, the way they are? And more importantly, is there anything she can do as a manager that would lead to Kai feeling more connected and improve his work habits?
Though many factors can contribute to a person’s actions, a psychological framework called attachment theory may help to explain the bigger picture. The idea is that every person forms an attachment style in early childhood, and what that style is can affect their outlook and behaviors forever. Our relationship dynamics begin the moment we are born. And the way we form attachments to our earliest caregivers can affect our relationships into adulthood; they make up what I call our “relationship operating model.”
What does attachment look like for young children? Consider Mary Ainsworth’s “strange situation test.” For this study, a mother leaves her child with a stranger in a toy-filled room. Securely attached children initially show distress, but resume playing happily when their mother returns. Anxiously attached children initially welcome their mother’s return, then become uncertain, alternating between seeking closeness to her and playing with toys. Avoidantly attached children either continue playing as if nothing happened or actively avoid their mother upon her return.
But how does this affect the workplace? Well, the secure, anxious, and avoidantly attached behaviors demonstrated in this study can be traced directly to our adult, professional lives. An employee’s attachment style affects not only our relationships with coworkers, but also influences our ability to successfully complete tasks.
Ainsworth’s study demonstrates the importance of a “secure base.” She found that when the securely attached child’s mother was present, the child could confidently explore their strange environment. Having a secure base allows us to take well-considered risks and be creative, knowing we can rely on that foundation to support and guide us as we explore new and innovative ideas. In the workplace, if you have a secure relationship with your business partner or colleague, you are more likely to innovate than if you have an anxious or avoidant relationship with them. This phenomenon has been called the “dependency paradox.” When you feel you can depend on others, you are more likely to act independently. Furthermore, secure attachments with others in the workplace often result in greater creative longevity. Secure relationships can be an antidote to burnout.
On the other hand, if you feel like you can’t depend on your colleagues, you might avoid communicating with them or even interacting with them. This avoidance may result in difficulties getting buy-in or assistance when needed.
Researchers link attachment style to how we communicate with others. Those with an anxious attachment style tend to over-communicate. They feel the need to constantly check in, are hyper-aware of others’ emotions, and tend to think others view them negatively. Anxious employees are also extremely sensitive to the feedback they receive, and they strongly desire affirmation.
On the other hand, those who fall more under the avoidant category tend to under-communicate. They don’t ask for help when they need it, don’t consult with others prior to making major decisions, and don’t regularly inquire about how others are doing. They are less likely to trust others, including their leaders.
Both anxious and avoidant leaders tend to have more difficulties with delegating work than securely attached leaders. Those with an anxious attachment style are often ineffective at delegating because they fear that relinquishing control could lead to disapproval, make them seem less valuable, or even jeopardize the relationship—fears rooted in a deep need for reassurance and connection. In contrast, those with an avoidant attachment style are often unable to delegate because they struggle with trusting others.
But there is hope! One interesting study found that when the participants were prompted to recall a secure relationship, they were less likely to disengage their sense of morality when they encountered an ethically challenging situation. If simply recalling a secure relationship can have such a profound impact on behavior, consider the potential impact of working to adapt your relationship operating model.
Both anxious and avoidant leaders affect the workplace by making it feel less stable, secure, and safe for their employees and their business partners. But research has found that the inverse is true—a leader’s consistent support helps employees feel more secure. Secure leaders are much more likely to support the development of their employees and encourage more positive work behaviors within the company.
Remember: an avoidant or anxious attachment style is not a “sentence” to a challenged life. If you are self-aware and can actively work to heal the attachment ruptures from childhood, it’s possible to create a new outlook on life. Positive relationships characterized by secure attachments later in life can lead to positive outcomes, where we heal and can become better versions of ourselves. Your attachment style can have a direct effect on your employees’ and business partners’ perceptions of how consistently you will be there for them. They want to know they can depend on you.
By: Dr. Karen Bridbord is a licensed psychologist and organizational psychology expert who merges psychological insights with lessons learned from more than two decades of leadership consulting. Her book, The Relationship-Driven Leader: Strengthening Connections to Enhance Productivity and Wellness at Work (April 8, 2025) reveals how strong workplace relationships can enhancing organizational excellence and employee well-being. She lives in New York.
(Guest Contribution: The opinions and views of guest contributions are not necessarily those of theglasshammer.com).
Christine McIntyre: Chief Financial Officer, Raftelis
People, Voices of ExperienceMcIntyre shares how pivotal choices, purpose-driven work, and a commitment to self-awareness shaped her path to CFO. Through coaching and experience, she’s learned that great leadership starts with knowing yourself and knowing how to assemble the right mix of talent and tools to be effective.
From Investment Banker to CFO
“It’s been a winding road, one I never could have predicted,” McIntyre says of her path to CFO. A psychology major, she started out in Bank of America’s Executive Compensation group, but a well-timed connection soon pulled her into investment banking. This launched her 15-year career in public finance, where her clients were state and local governments.
Despite the excitement and pace of investment banking, something was missing. “Public finance never really captured me. It felt like the same type of deal over and over again,” she reflects. That growing disconnect led her to take a bold step: leaving investment banking to become Director of Finance at a water utility in Alexandria, Virginia. “At the time, I saw it as a step to eventually get away from the public sector work,” she says. “But instead, I fell in love with it.”
Working closely with the city she lived in, McIntyre found deep satisfaction in seeing the direct impact of her work, like financing a massive environmental project in historic Alexandria. When the utility’s CFO departed, McIntyre stepped up, eventually earning the role officially. “It was my first time as CFO and my first time on an executive leadership team — it was a tremendous experience.”
A desire to be closer to family during the pandemic brought her back to North Carolina, and after months of commuting, McIntyre landed what she knew instantly was the right next step. Now as CFO at Raftelis, she has found the perfect intersection of private-sector leadership and public-sector impact. “It’s the same client base I worked with in investment banking – cities, counties, utilities – but now I get to blend strategic leadership with direct project work, which keeps me grounded in what our clients really need.”
Natural Instincts, Sharpened with Coaching
McIntyre describes herself as a driven, energetic leader, someone who moves fast, gets things done, and brings enthusiasm to every challenge. “In some ways, leadership comes naturally to me. I’m a very hard-driving, direct person,” she says. “That kind of energy has been appreciated by my employers.”
However, she is also quick to acknowledge that leadership is not just about instinct, but rather it is a craft she has worked to refine over time. “There is a lot about leadership I had to learn,” she admits. “I’ve worked with several executive coaches throughout my career, and each one has helped me grow in different ways.”
One pivotal experience came during her time at the Alexandria utility, where the organization was preparing for a major CEO transition. A leadership coach was brought in to support the executive team, and the timing could not have been better.
“The coaching relationship was incredibly helpful. It taught me how to use my strengths, but also how to soften my edges,” she reflects. “Particularly in the public sector, I had to learn to slow down and take everyone else on the journey.”
She continues, “I’m a big proponent of coaching. Everyone has blind spots. It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about understanding your tendencies and adjusting to the context you’re working in.”
Leading Beyond Your Expertise
McIntyre sees strong leadership not as a matter of having every skill, but of understanding where you need support and how to get it. “Now that I’m further along in my career, I don’t feel the same pressure to know everything, I’ve learned to take that weight off my shoulders.”
McIntyre applies that mindset to building teams and networks. “I’m not a traditional CFO in the sense that I don’t have an accounting background. When tough accounting questions come up, I don’t pretend to know it all. I focus on finding the right resources.” In one instance, recognizing a gap in deep expertise of government accounting, she sourced a specialist through a consulting firm. “Having someone I could call made all the difference.”
Rather than defaulting to solving everything internally, McIntyre believes smart outsourcing is often the more strategic and cost-effective choice.
“Our water utility was small, so we outsourced a lot, and it was hugely beneficial. Some companies think it’s cheaper or more efficient to handle everything internally, but that’s not always the case. There are highly specialized tasks where it makes more sense to pay a consultant for 100 hours of work than to hire a full-time employee. I’ve brought that same approach to my role as CFO of Raftelis.”
McIntyre advocates for creating a roster of experts through intentional networking, actively seeking out specialists who can offer support when needed.
“If we use a certain software, I’ll seek out someone in my industry who uses it too. Those connections are gold because we can help each other in ways no one else can.”
Whether it’s tapping into external networks, attending user conferences to meet industry peers, or outsourcing specialized work, McIntyre sees her role as assembling the right mix of talent and tools. “I see myself as a resource manager and that’s a big part of what makes me effective in my role.”
Advice for Navigating Your Career
When offering advice to those a few years into their careers, McIntyre stresses the importance of not getting so caught up in the daily grind that you lose sight of the bigger picture. “It’s important to remember that your career and your job are two different things. Whether you are happy in your current job or not, you always want to think about your broader career trajectory outside of the present position,” she explains.
Building and maintaining connections, she notes, is essential for staying aware of opportunities.
“Keep up with LinkedIn and go to networking events. Don’t get so heads-down focused on being successful in your current job that you don’t also build connections outside in industry groups and peer groups.”
McIntyre also encourages professionals to remain open to unexpected opportunities rather than adhering to a rigid career path.
“There are many times where you can make lateral moves or jump to a different sector and surprise yourself,” she says. “Earlier in my career, I was too narrow in my thinking about what I was capable of, when in reality, I could do so much more than I gave myself credit for.”
Where Purpose Meets Impact
McIntyre draws inspiration from the mission-driven people she’s worked with, especially the bold, principled women in public service. “They could be doing anything with their talents, but they choose local government because they care about their community,” she says.
That sense of purpose fuels her work. From financing capital projects to leading infrastructure initiatives, she’s energized by the tangible impact. “When it’s actually happening in your community, especially a big, transformative project with environmental benefits, it’s even more exciting.”
Now, as CFO of Raftelis, McIntyre continues to see that connection firsthand. Whether it’s Baltimore, Philadelphia, or a smaller municipality, the projects Raftelis supports – often centered on clean water, infrastructure, and long-term planning – tie directly to community well-being. “We help communities figure out how to pay for it all and keep their bills affordable enough that their customers can manage them.”
That sense of purpose extends beyond work. To sustain the energy she brings to her role, McIntyre prioritizes self-care and mental clarity. “I bring a lot of enthusiasm and energy to what I do, and I can’t really turn it off,” she says. “But I know that if I keep it up all the time, I’ll burn out.” A longtime hot yoga devotee, she carves out time each week for practice and once a year, she attends a retreat, often unplugging for days at a time. “After about two days without screens your thinking hits a different level,” she says. “It gives me a broader perspective on my life without all the little distractions.”
By Jessica Robaire
Jennifer Marsland: Head of Sales, North America, World Travel Protection
People, Voices of ExperienceA Passion for Sales in Travel Risk Management
For nearly two decades, Marsland has thrived in the travel industry, energized and excited to drive sales in a space she is personally passionate about.
“Once you’re in the travel industry, you never want to leave,” says Marsland. “I talk to friends who’ve been in travel for years, and we all say the same thing: What else would we do? I love that this job takes you all over the world and lets you connect with people about where they’re going and what they’re experiencing.”
Now as Head of Sales for World Travel Protection, Marsland is thrilled to take that passion to the next level by being involved in an area of the industry that makes a tangible difference in people’s lives.
“I’ve always been in sales. My first real job was in a shoe store, so I feel like I’ve always sold something. But here, we’re not just selling, we’re saving lives. We’re helping business travelers travel safer and get the care they need.”
World Travel Protection specializes in helping business travelers navigate risks, from securing accommodations in safe areas to managing major crises like medical emergencies, political unrest, or natural disasters. Marsland’s belief in the company’s mission is deeply personal. She recalls the moment she landed in Paris in 2015, just as terror attacks unfolded, leaving the city in lockdown. “It was pretty scary with flights canceled, uncertainty everywhere. How do you navigate that?” That experience solidified her understanding of the real need for travel risk management.
Returning to the travel industry after a brief pivot during the pandemic, Marsland is energized by the chance to build something new as the Head of Sales for North America. “They were looking for someone to develop their North American sales team and drive growth. Now more than ever, people need what we do.”
Keys to Success: Positivity and Adaptability
A strong belief in positivity has been a guiding force throughout Marsland’s career. “One of my core leadership values is positivity. I truly believe things happen for a reason, and that even when difficulties arise, it will all work out in the end.”
Beyond optimism, Marsland credits adaptability as essential. Having worked at a company where she reported to 17 different managers in 15 years, she learned to navigate constant change. “Whether it’s a reorg, a job change, a new manager, stick it out, things will shift. If a move wasn’t right, it will course-correct. You’ll get a different manager, or land in the right role. It’s about being open to change.”
Marsland’s own adaptability was tested during COVID-19, when the travel industry ground to a halt. Instead of waiting for things to return to normal, she pivoted to a Silicon Valley startup specializing in identity verification technology. The shift forced her to stretch beyond her usual expertise and reinforced an important lesson: “You also have to be willing to take risks. No one is going to tap you on the shoulder and promote you. You have to apply, ask, put yourself out there.”
Learning from the Best
Marsland’s tenacity stems from an early mentor: her mother. A successful artist and master negotiator, her mother taught her the value of asking for what she wanted. “She negotiated all her own contracts. She passed away ten years ago, but we’re still getting royalties because her contracts were so strong.”
As a self-described shy child, Marsland credits her mother for pushing her outside her comfort zone, whether encouraging her to take a job selling shoes in college or urging her to seize new opportunities.
“She really influenced how I approached my career — whether it was landing a job, excelling in a role, or advocating for myself. I often think back to how she never hesitated to ask for what she wanted or go after opportunities.”
Listening and Letting Go
Among the most important skills Marsland’s honed as a leader is the ability to listen. “I always remind myself to listen to understand, not to respond.”
In sales, this lesson is particularly relevant. Too often, she notes, salespeople focus on delivering information rather than asking the right questions and truly hearing the customer’s needs.
Another key insight she highlights is letting go of the need to dictate how things get done, particularly as leadership requires a shift from being an individual contributor to keeping the larger picture in mind. “I’ve been in sales. I know how I would do it. But I’ve learned that different people have different styles — and that’s a good thing.”
She recalls a former manager who exclusively hired people with identical approaches. “You end up with a team that lacks diversity in thinking. I don’t think that’s great for business.”
In building the team at World Travel Protection, Marsland is intentional in looking for diverse viewpoints and approaches. “I want different perspectives, different strengths. One person might be great at presentations; another might excel in negotiations. As long as the job gets done, I don’t need everyone to work the same way.”
Mentorship and Women in Leadership
Committed to supporting the next generation of female leaders, Marsland mentors through GBTA’s (Global Business Travel Association) WINiT program. She helps mentees explore what they want to do next in their career, touching on such issues as how to showcase leadership skills or build out a better resume.
“I impart experiences that I’ve been through and what’s worked for me, encouraging them to talk to other women within the industry that they admire and learn from them.”
Interestingly, Marsland’s own mentors have primarily been men. “I’ve worked in male-dominated industries, so that’s just how it worked out. But now, at World Travel Protection, I’m surrounded by strong female leaders. My boss’s entire leadership team is women. Even at our parent company, Zurich Insurance Group, more than half of the executive leadership team is women. It’s refreshing to be in an environment where female leadership is the norm.”
Building for the Future
At this stage in her career, Marsland finds the greatest satisfaction in building, whether it’s teams, strategies, or relationships. “You don’t always get the chance to leave your mark, but I feel like I’m doing that here — this is my team, and I’m shaping what we’re building.”
With geopolitical shifts, evolving risks, and an increased focus on corporate travel safety, she sees immense opportunity ahead. “Companies need risk management now more than ever. We have great momentum, a strong team, and a supportive leadership structure. This year is going to be an exciting one.”
Work-life integration also plays a role in her enthusiasm. “World Travel Protection makes it easy. Sometimes I have late-night calls with Australia, but if I need to step out during the day for an errand, I can. That flexibility makes all the difference.”
Having that flexibility also allows Marsland to care for her six beloved pets: two dogs and four cats. And while travel is central to her career, it’s just as much a passion in her personal life. “I try to visit a new destination every year. We just booked Argentina and Uruguay. But my favorite place is Tokyo — I’ve been nine times, and I’d go again in a heartbeat. I’ll travel anywhere, anytime, just for the experience.”
By Jessica Robaire
Want More Confidence? Cut Down These Five Negative Thought Patterns
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!Less negative or pessimistic thinking is a stronger predictor of physical health than increasing optimism and has more ripple impacts on your life.
How Habitual Negative Thinking Undermines Growth
Habitual negative thinking—such as self-criticism, chronic complaining, or imagining worst-case scenarios—clutters your mind, clouds your energy, and drains your life-force. To be clear, we are not talking about the discernment of saying something is not okay, authentic anger in the face of injustice, or negative emotions that guide you to value-based action.
Rather, most habitual negative thinking, like thoughts in general, are unconscious and repetitive. The negativity-biased hard-wiring of the brain keeps you stuck in survival and victimhood. Until you cut down on negative clutter, the positive growth you try to build on top struggles to take root.
Habitual negative thinking distorts your perception of reality, robs your motivation, erodes your self-trust, and drowns out inspiration. In essence, trying to grow confidence in a mind overrun with fear is like planting flowers in a weed-filled garden.
The Impact of the Five C’s and How to Clear Your Mindset
According to change management expert and author, Price Pritchett, “If we want to increase our belief in the self, one of the things we can do is start removing pessimism and negative thinking.”
Pritchett points to five C’s which comprise the majority of negative thought loops: complaining, criticizing, concern, commiserating and catastrophizing.
Disrupt the loops by identifying and challenging them.
1) Complaining focuses on problems and shortcomings rather than solutions or positive aspects. If where attention goes, energy flows, then complaining keeps you problem-focused.
Complaining or venting can feel rewarding as it provides validation and a temporary outlet for stress. But it also shrinks the hippocampus, oils your neural pathways for negativity, and shapes what you pay attention to.
Chronic complaining feeds a victim identity where you feel powerless. It keeps you mired in problems instead of seeing possibilities. To counter the habitual negative impact of complaining, ask where your power lies.
What is in your control? Can you practice acceptance and see from another perspective? Can you become solutions-focused and action-oriented? Are you shying away from an uncomfortable conversation? What is one small change you can make to improve the situation?
2) Criticizing focuses on finding fault with yourself or others, often in a harsh or judgmental way.
Being oriented towards poking holes is an imbalance. Because when you are applying your creative energies, you usually have less space and time for criticizing. Unused creativity can give rise to resentment and criticism.
A healthy critical eye becomes a catalyst for more creativity and more possibilities. With constructive feedback, the intention is to identify how to improve, rather than tear down. Mistakes become learning, refining, and a launchpad for growth – not failures.
Whether self-critical dialogue or criticism of others, you must be willing to break through criticism and turn towards creativity again. This is what opens a space for novel thoughts and energy to come through.
Criticism Mindset: “I’m not qualified for this job. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Compassion Mindset: “Nobody who dares to leap ever knows what they are doing.” or “What if not knowing how it’s supposed to be done is my creative license to carve the path?”
3) Concern steeps you in excessive worry or anxiety about potential problems, often without a clear sense of what to do about them. Amidst a foreboding issue, you feel small and helpless. While concern seems helpful, it can fuel anxiety and feeling stuck.
Like empathy, concern is often a reflection of what you value and care about, which can guide compassionate action and catalyze change. But the concern that Pritchett calls “garden variety worry” – concern about inflation or the state of world affairs or AI in the workplace – often leaves you overwhelmed or despondent, feeling powerless.
Worrying makes it feel like you are doing something, but it removes you from the present. Rather than be with uncertainty, you ruminate to escape it and grasp for a sense of control. When you worry, you try to micro-manage the future while envisioning what you don’t want into it.
Unless you can address your concern through positive thoughts, energy, or action, then it honestly helps nobody and nothing. It feeds the energy of fear and keeps you caught in a spiral. Instead, find where you power does reside.
Perhaps bring in a perceptual reframe, such as deeper trust in the bigger picture. Or take grounded responsibility and calm, present-moment action – no matter how small.
Concern Mindset: “All of these policy changes are worrying, and I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Grounded, Present Mindset: “I am going to embody the change I wish to see in the world.” or “Day by day, I am going to contribute to the calm and inclusive environment I wish to encourage by being a welcoming and friendly presence.”
4) Commiserating, or co-rumination, is connecting with others through focusing on shared problems and suffering, which can lead to becoming entrenched in negative emotions.
While it may feel liberating, therapeutic, and bonding at first, those long gripe sessions deplete health and mental strength. When social connection hinges upon rehashing complaints, you quickly fall into reinforcing each other’s victimhood. You bring a heavy focus to what you don’t want, without freeing the energy towards what you do.
Unless you move towards making a constructive change, you’ll be swimming in an energetic pool that gets dirtier as long as everyone only kicks up the mud. Instead, you can practice compassionate listening, empathizing, and empowering.
Commiseration Mindset: “Yes, everything is awful, and it’s not fair, and nobody cares.”
Empathetic, Empowering Mindset: “Yes, this is a big change, and challenging. How can we find opportunity within it?” or “This is hard. We may need to time to take it in. Maybe we can find alternative, creative ways to support our cause?”
5) Catastrophizing involves exaggerating potential problems until they are insurmountable and become worst-case scenarios, which obviously creates stress and anxiety.
With catastrophizing, fear inverts the creative power of imagination towards envisioning disaster scenarios and how they will play out. Often, these scenarios involve your worst fears coming true. You inflate the problem to such a degree you are caught in fight-or-flight and feel powerless.
Keep catastrophizing from running wild with a probability check. Does it usually go as badly as you imagine? Has life disproved you before? Even when something did not go how you wanted, did everything end up alright or even work out for you?
Catastrophe Mindset: “I made a mistake, and I’m going to be fired, and I’ll end up on the streets, broke and alone.”
Grounded, Logical Mindset: “What is the most likely outcome of my mistake? Even if it goes wrong, can I handle it?” or “I’ve made mistakes before, and I have not been fired for them.” or “Will this matter in five years?”
The Ripple Effect of Clearing the Mental Clutter
Cutting down negative thinking doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is perfect. It means becoming aware of unhelpful thought patterns and replacing them with more constructive, balanced ones which support your growth.
Rewiring your brain away from self-sabotaging patterns requires practice and discipline. Awareness is the first step. If you can identify and shift these five loops of habitual negative thinking, you will not only feel better, but you will also liberate mental space, clear your energy, and be more effective and creative as a leader.
By Aimee Hansen
Alex Douklias: Vice Chair, Corporate Banking, Wells Fargo Corporate & Investment Banking
People, Voices of ExperienceAlex Douklias is vice chair of Corporate Banking within the Banking division of Wells Fargo Corporate & Investment Banking. In this role, Douklias provides leadership for origination of capital markets solutions and traditional banking products to support large corporate clients across all industries. Douklias is also actively involved in Corporate Banking’s growth and talent development initiatives.
Over three decades in banking, Douklias has driven business growth, shaped future leaders, and set a standard for excellence that continues to define her career. From navigating client relationships to championing professional growth, she brings a strategic mindset and an unwavering focus on impact — both for her clients and the next generation of banking professionals.
A Career Built on Versatility and Client-Centric Solutions
Douklias began her banking career in the fast-paced world of markets, first at Scotiabank and later at J.P. Morgan, where she thrived on the intensity and structure. As her career progressed and her personal priorities evolved, she sought a path that offered both professional growth and flexibility.
“When I was in markets, we were typically at our desks by 7 a.m., which meant I was never able to drop my son off at preschool,” she reflects. “Moving into corporate banking gave me more control over my schedule. I could still cover clients, but I also had the flexibility to be there for the moments that mattered.”
In transitioning to corporate banking, Douklias found a field that aligned with her strengths and interests, particularly in the breadth of challenges and opportunities that come with working with corporate clients.
“I don’t think of it as selling. I think of it as delivering solutions. My focus is on understanding my clients’ pain points and finding ways to help. If we do that well, the business naturally follows.”
Douklias’ client-centered approach propelled her forward in corporate banking, where she became head of the North America business in Global Corporate Banking at J.P. Morgan. Now, as vice chair of Corporate Banking at Wells Fargo, Douklias is focused on both business growth and leadership development.
“I’ve been brought in to help on several initiatives, which is exciting, but what matters most to me is developing the next generation of leaders. That means spotting talent, pushing existing leaders out of their comfort zones, and encouraging them to think bigger about the future of Wells Fargo. I want them to move beyond the day-to-day and embrace a more aspirational vision — and it’s exciting to see that shift happen.”
Navigating Client Relationships Requires EQ
For Douklias, having a client-centered approach requires being able to juggle competing demands while keenly assessing their urgency.
“In corporate banking, you have to be extremely organized,” she says. “There are multiple products, multiple clients, and it is challenging to chase everything at once. Prioritization is key.”
Equally important is the ability to read and navigate different personalities, both internally and externally. “Working with clients across industries and influencing multiple stakeholders requires emotional intelligence. Every corporation has a different culture, every CFO has a different way they like to be engaged. Understanding that and adapting your approach is critical.”
She continues, “I treat my internal constituents as clients because to have influence, they need to know that I genuinely care. If they’re successful, I’m successful — it’s a shared goal. I also think about what motivates them and the value they gain from working with me. By understanding their perspective, I can inspire them to deliver their best work, which ultimately enables me to provide the best for my clients.”
The Power of Feedback and Continuous Development
A strong advocate for professional growth, Douklias has both given and received invaluable feedback throughout her career. One pivotal moment came when a manager observed that she was not asserting herself enough in high-level meetings.
“I was in meetings with senior leaders — managing directors, vice chairs, investment bankers — and sometimes, I held back when I had something to say. A manager suggested executive coaching, and I jumped at the opportunity. The feedback was eye-opening. My coach pointed out that sometimes I spoke too quickly and didn’t breathe enough, which caused my voice to trail off at key moments. Adjusting my delivery of remarks, based on that feedback, made an enormous difference.”
Her advice to those she mentors: “Seek out feedback and embrace it. People genuinely want to help you grow.”
For Douklias, feedback isn’t just about performance — it’s about growth and alignment. “When I offer feedback, I am engaging in an open conversation about what a person’s strengths are, and what their limits are. I find I can develop my team best by offering candid feedback with kindness, and by pushing them beyond their comfort zone.” She believes in addressing challenges in real time, asking direct but supportive questions like, I observed that you shied away from this difficult issue. Is there something we should talk about?
By fostering trust and maintaining transparency, Douklias helps people develop and find the right path forward. “If you form a good bond with your team, and they trust you, they open up — and that’s how you develop people,” she explains. It’s a philosophy that has shaped her leadership, leading to a track record she’s particularly proud of: “I’ve helped many people over my career get promoted to managing directors. Having a little hand in their career development is something that truly matters to me.”
Building and Leveraging Internal Networks
Although mentors and managers can be integral to career development, Douklias also believes in the power of internal networks. “Your network shouldn’t just be your manager or HR partner. You need those work friends — people you can bounce ideas off, vent to, or get an outside perspective from.”
In thinking about how to build that internal network, Douklias encourages professionals to embrace networking opportunities within their firms.
“If you work at headquarters, take advantage of the incredible speakers who come in, whether they’re leaders, military veterans, or CEOs. You go for the speaker and the content, but just as importantly, for the networking. Some of my closest professional relationships started at these events. I always encourage my team to engage, because building an internal network gives you insight into what’s happening across the organization and fosters relationships that go beyond simply being colleagues.”
Know What Sustains You
As a working mother, Douklias has been intentional about defining success on her own terms. “I’ve always worked hard and traveled when needed, but I’ve also made sure to be present for the important moments in my kids’ lives.”
To have a sustainable career, Douklias emphasizes not only prioritizing what is important, but also being clear about setting boundaries, allowing time to recharge.
“Know yourself and what you need to be successful. For some, it’s going for a walk in the middle of the day, or a workout in the morning. For me, I always make sure I have a vacation planned — it helps me stay motivated.”
Another part of Douklias’ life that fulfills her outside of work is watching her children play sports. “I didn’t grow up in a competitive sports environment, but seeing my kids in action has taught me so much about teamwork, resilience, and dedication. I truly treasure my weekends spent cheering them on.”
By Jessica Robaire
The High Value of A Deeper Reset from Work This Summer
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!A retreat, focused on reconnecting with yourself, can bring rejuvenation and clarity and be a huge antidote to overwhelm and burnout. Especially if you’ve begun to question your current career trajectory, or simply how you navigate your priorities within it, taking a step back to check in with yourself is invaluable, and can bring you back to your deeper resources of inner power.
Are your life and work aligned with who you are now, what you value, and what you find most fulfilling? Do you still want what you once thought you wanted, when it comes to the career choices you are making? No matter what the answers may be, taking a pause to gain perspective will bring clarity to the path.
A retreat isn’t just about pressing pause; it’s about resetting, realigning, and stepping back into life and all of your choices with renewed vision and energy.
1) Take a break from distractions.
Social media overload? As executive and leadership coach Nicki Gilmour writes, “In a world overflowing with distractions, tapping into your own voice and ignoring nonsense is a powerful act of self-care and productivity.”
In a week-long retreat, full of relaxing and beautiful surroundings, nurturing and connective gatherings, and therapeutic body treatments, you’ll spend far less time on your phone and receive the benefits of digital detoxing – such as better mental health and better sleep – as you turn the noise way down.
2) Be nurtured and rest your decision-making.
Vacations from work can be fun, but they often leave you just as exhausted as when you left. At a women’s retreat, you can relax into simply being a guest and being nurtured by your hostess, the retreat center, and your surroundings.
Retreat activities like meditation, yoga, and somatic movement can help to relieve stress from the body. Even brief retreats have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety levels and improve biological markers of inflammation. A women’s retreat will also remind you that self-care is not something you prioritize for one week.
3) Get out of the well-oiled thought loops.
Do you ever feel like your mind is on repeat? In a given day, up to 90% of your thoughts are repetitive, and this reinforces the same beliefs, sense of self, habits, and choices. This makes it difficult to tune in. By stepping into a different context, usually outside of your comfort zone, you disrupt your habitual thought patterns.
At a retreat, you can also rest your decision fatigue and responsibilities, and relax into an experience curated to allow spaciousness and reflection. When you clear the busyness, new rhythms and insights arise.
4) Reconnect with your body’s wisdom.
The office can push you to live in your head and disconnect from your physical self, even when it comes to overriding your body’s natural rhythms for rest and play. At a retreat, you will get out of your mind and move into your body and your heart. When you do, you have more access to feel what you really feel, be as you really are, and sense what you want to create in your life now.
Whether breathing, meditation, tai chi, yoga, or somatic movement, a women’s retreat will encourage you to connect with the rich and embodied insight that lives in your being and cellular awareness. You have the space to establish the feminine connection with your deep knowing and intuition. You become more aware of how life wants to uniquely move through you, so you can embrace a more heart-led adventure.
5) Put down roles and get back to your essence.
High level professional woman wear so many hats, sometimes it can feel like you simply go from one role to the next, faster than you can change them, which leads to craving time for yourself. Who are you beneath the identities, labels, and real and perceived expectations?
Who were you before them, who are you with them, and what of yourself have you put away? A retreat helps you detach and remember your essence. This often includes remembering vivid energies that have gone dormant in the push and pull.
6) Discern your inner voice from your energetic ecosystem.
What we don’t realize is how much the energetic eco-system is determining how we live. It’s easy to fall into living life from the outside-in simply based on consensus. Similar to the notion we are the average of the people we spend the most time with, your beliefs, mentality, values, ways to spend time and money, and sense of possibilities are impacted by what is normalized in your culture and immediate social circle.
Stepping away and listening within gives you space from outside influences to discern your own heart and values. You unearth the truths poking at you from under the surface, guiding you to live from the inside-out. Sometimes this includes admitting what you know but are trying to deny knowing.
7) Get distance from habitual socializing.
It’s easy to slide into routines of social contracts with others whether a partner, co-workers, or friends. You create blueprints related to how you spend time together, what you talk about, what you do, what you eat or drink together. Which of these things enrich you, and which are simply habits you’re going along with?
When away from your usual social routines, and engaging in nourishing activities which reconnect you with yourself, you begin to consider if your habitual social dynamics resonate with who you are now. Do they fill you up? Or are some things ready to go so you can cultivate more of what nurtures and enlivens you?
8) Experience next level support from other women.
A third of daily speech is small talk. In a women’s retreat, you are given the opportunity to immerse in far more than surface chats. Because when you get a bunch of women in the same room who are asking deeper questions or focusing on reconnecting with themselves, the conversation changes, and it impacts the conversation you have with yourself, too.
Another advantage of going on a women’s retreat is nobody has preconceptions of who you are. You have a space to explore openly. The level of trust and authenticity able to be built between a group of women is amazing. Far more nourishing than networking is a room in which all agendas are checked – and you can be seen, heard, and validated for who you are.
9) Shift your perspective on life.
While a change of scenery brings a fresh outlook, a transformational women’s retreat challenges your perceptions at a deeper level. Our perceptions define much of our life experience, but how many of the lenses you carry about yourself and the world are serving you?
Within a women’s retreat focused on honing attention inwards, you may uncover limiting beliefs, outdated narratives, and hidden desires shaping your life which you no longer wish to ascribe to. Where are you still telling yourself you “should” or “need” to be or do or have something? Where are you committing to something you don’t actually want to?
10) Awaken to new possibilities.
Whether it’s a renewed sense of purpose, clarity about a life change, or simply remembering the connection to your inner voice, retreats unlock something powerful. Emboldened by the support of other women, you are more inclined to move from a place of possibility in your life.
If you’ve been in a liminal space, aware you are moving towards change but unclear of what it even is, a retreat can be a place that helps you to find more clarity and courage to begin making steps in a new direction.
More Than a Getaway—A Gateway to Your Inner Power
This summer, instead of another trip that fades into memory, why not embark on a journey that rejuvenates and transforms you from within? A women’s retreat isn’t just a trip away —it’s an invitation to return to yourself.
Aimee Hansen is founder and lead facilitator of Storyteller Within and is based on Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. The Journey Into Sacred Expression women’s retreat has been recommended by Lonely Planet Wellness Escapes and The Write Life. Join her this summer amidst volcanic landscapes for a self-exploratory writing journey, meditation, yoga, movement and ceremonies on July 26 – August 4, 2025. Follow her and Storyteller Within on instagram.