Tag Archive for: self-awareness

Seven Things about Gut Instinct You Might Not Know

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Gut instinct Gut instinct – that instinctual sense of knowing that does not come from conscious reasoning, also sometimes called intuition – is one aspect of your decision-making that is worth better understanding – including how and when to leverage it. Here are seven things to know about gut instinct.

  1. The gut truly is the “second brain.” – A neural network of 100 million neurons line your digestive tract, evidencing the gut’s processing ability. The gut has more neurons than the spine. It’s not only the stomach that has a brain, but the heart also has neural cells – there’s more to processing than we “think.” According to Sarah Garfinkel, professor and cognitive neuroscientist at University College London, “Instinct is when physiological signals change quickly in response to different stimuli, with or without the conscious awareness of the properties of those stimuli. A capacity to tap into and be guided by those signals gives us a route to gut instinct, which bypasses higher-order awareness mechanisms that don’t yet have access to that information.”
  2. Gut instinct is not a mind “or” body thing, and it’s complicated. – When considering a decision, the brain works in tandem with the gut, making intuition a mix of emotional and experiential data as the brain accesses memories, preferences, needs, past learnings and more. The mind-body dualistic idea that suggests mind and body responses are separate has long been disproven. They are interrelated. We feel in the body the result of cognitive processing happening in the brain. As a predictive processing network, the brain seeks to quickly compare sensory information with past experience, knowledge and memories, sending signals to the gut. These rapid assessments are subject to error, due to things like confirmation bias where we scramble to see what we already believe true or when we impose past circumstances upon a current situation and perceive danger.
  3. Gut instinct is often a valuable part of decision-making. Partnering gut feelings with analytical thinking leads to better, faster, and more accurate decisions and increases the confidence behind your choices – especially when there is no “correct” and clear-cut option and you’re overthinking. The majority of top executives report that they leverage feelings when managing crises. Women often speak to The Glass Hammer about their ability to read the room as way of informing how they approach a meeting or having gut instinct around an idea that comes up. And when, for example, you are in a familiar setting or with a familiar person, your intuition can pick up subtle cues that something is off or amiss by noticing indicators that are not usually present. It can also guide you against making a wrong choice that presents unnecessary risk. Without gut instinct, and a sensitivity to somatic cues, we can fall into analysis paralysis.
  4. Gut instinct is NOT such a good indicator for decision-making at other times – such as in hiring and recruitment. A clear example for where gut instinct should not be trusted in decision making is in hiring and recruitment, when guts instincts (fast thinking) around the “right candidate” and “culture fit” or “likability” are usually just unconscious bias (such as affinity bias, anchoring bias) – especially related to race, disability, gender and sex. Within seconds of hearing speech, Yale found that we make snap perceptions on social class (based on speech patterns such as pronunciation), competence and pay package. We also like people who are like us in tone, body movements and word choices – and the things we like cast a positive halo over the rest of the interview. Assessments from unstructured and organic interviews, where managers go with their gut, have very poor correlation with job effectiveness and finding the most qualified candidate, because unconscious bias is rife and gut instinct is often rationalized.
  5. The quality of gut instinct is interrelated to emotional intelligence. Research has shown that people with lower EI tend to misread their own bodily signal and somatic cues, misinterpreting the warnings of intuition that would normally guide us against bad risk-taking and decision making. But just as emotional intelligence can be strengthened through intentional training, as we become more sensitive to our ability to read and discern different emotions, where they are coming from and how they influence us, so can we develop our gut instinct. Discerning fear from intuition is an important part of honing our ability to use gut instinct in decision making, as these can often be confused. People who are highly sensitive – and perceive, process, and synthesize information more deeply – often have stronger intuition but may also have learned to distrust and invalidate this strength. Like a muscle, intuition can be built up. Practicing using it through fast, decisive actions on relatively inconsequential matters to build up trust and your ability to emotional regulate through discomfort. By role-playing the outcomes of different decisions, you can also see if your intuitive-based decisions would be aligned with your highest values on the other side.
  6. Distraction from overthinking helps our intuition to weigh in on decisions. When processing a lot of complex and difficult to remember information around a big decision, the tendency can be to painfully overthink – going between all the pros and cons – or to make a snap decision to escape the pain of indecision. But research has found that there’s a value in allowing our minds to wander in unrelated activity, as the unconscious mind helps to sort through the seeds. Participants who were distracted by an unrelated activity after being presented with a bunch of information about a decision made better (and more intuitive led) objective choices than those who consciously weighed up options before making a final decision. Overthinking in a strictly analytical way can muddy your judgement. But in the pause, the unconscious mind can help to surface the gist from the information overload and improve the accuracy of intuitive judgement.
  7. Timing and context is critical and most people don’t know when to use their gut instinct. Because it’s intertwined with many other rapid processes happening in the brain (triggering, bias, memory), it’s critical to assess when to rely on gut instinct in decision-making and when not to, and most business leaders do not know the difference – not only that, but it’s the same for most doctors, therapists and other kinds of professionals.

All in all, gut instinct is a valuable aspect of processing that is bound to contribute it’s voice into your decision-making, whether you are going with it, weighing it up or fighting against it. The more you can learn about gut instinct, the more you’ll be equipped as a leader to use it – and not use it – wisely.

By Aimee Hansen

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Amber Hairston: Agency Underwriter, PGIM Real Estate

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Amber Hairston“For this moment, while employers are asking you to bring yourself to work, do it. Do it now. Do it today,” says Amber Hairston. “The hope is that this is a movement, not a moment. But time is of the essence, so do it. It will pay dividends.”

In honor of National Coming Out Day on October 11th, we share Hairston’s experience on freeing yourself into authenticity. 

Seeing the Hurdles Before They Come

Graduating during the global financial crisis and determined to exit the social confines of her rural Virginia hometown, Hairston took a position in marketing and communications. But “in typical Millennial fashion,” she made a network connection on Twitter who saw her as suited to commercial real estate finance and directed her towards an opportunity. In 2015, she then moved to PGIM, where she ascended across four positions within six years.

“I was redirected to the path that was intended for me,” reflects Hairston, who had planned to study business before diverting towards communications. “I think of myself now as a different kind of storyteller.”

As an underwriter, Hairston pitches deals to loan approvers after careful assessment of a property, who’s operating it, the market, and other financial risks. Attributing her work ethic to her parents, Hairston prides herself on attention to detail: “I’m very thoughtful in assessing what the hurdles are. I don’t always like to call them ‘risks’ necessarily. I call them ‘hurdles’—these are the hurdles, and this is how we can and will clear them.”

The volatility in the domestic and global economy, and the impact on the real estate investment marketplace, has definitely provided challenges to step into—and Hairston finds that exhilarating. While she won’t speak the most in a meeting room, when she does, she has reflected and has something powerful to say.

Time management and foresight have been her boons. “There’s nothing that I haven’t thought about when I’m underwriting a deal. There’s nothing that I encounter that I haven’t at least entertained as a possible hurdle. I’m never caught flat-footed or surprised.”

“Dropping the Weight Vest” To Rise in Authenticity

Reflecting on her desire to stretch beyond home as a teenager, she says, “It was a very black and white space in a literal and figurative sense. There wasn’t a lot of space for a queer woman of color in the town that I came from, and I knew that I could not grow in the ways that I needed to grow in that environment,” says Hairston. “D.C. just made a lot more sense, and it was my dream city in the United States.”

But while having left the confines of her small town, Hairston in some ways brought the burden of constraints within her to D.C.—until the pandemic.

“I kept the queer part of myself under wraps for so long. I tried to be something else and it was exhausting. And it’s not because of PGIM – this is the box that I grew up in, a limited view of what a woman can and should be, what they should look like,” says Hairston. “But the pandemic changed everything. We were at home and there was nobody to see me. There was only the work. It felt like I had been walking around with a ‘weight vest’ for years.”

Hairston recalls a moment when she was overwhelmed with work while colleagues were away and she needed all of herself: “I think that was the moment that everything changed because I didn’t have a choice. I had to take off the vest at that moment to power through.”

She continues, “Then as we started to return to the office in late 2021, I just told myself I wasn’t putting it back on. I decided I was done with it.”

“In a virtual setting and with all the focus on diversity, equity and inclusion, I was ready to bring the breadth and depth to my experience to bear as a queer woman of color.”

That choice has impacted her relationships across the organization and the industry: “My relationships wouldn’t be as meaningful personally or impactful professionally had I not brought everything to the table.”

And it’s impacted her performance and visibility: “I’ve never been a stronger performer. I draw so much power from all the things that make me different. I used to view it as a disadvantage, but it’s so essential to how I’m able to show up, how effective and efficient I am, and the impact that I’m able to make. I draw from everything, and to have not done that for so many years was a detriment to my performance.”

Reflecting overall, she says, “It sounds sad this box that I, in part, put myself into, the unnecessary weight that I carried for so long, but the upside is maybe I can run faster and jump higher than I ever thought I could.”

Evolving Her Work Relationships From Within

As Hairston has become more comfortable in taking up space in a way that is authentic to herself, she’s feels she’s allowed others to do the same.

“Historically, I’ve been really hard on people. I could be pretty demanding and have really high expectations,” reflects Hairston. “I’m not sure that’s changed, but with the pandemic and everything, the way that I approach it has changed. I’ve had to take it easier on myself and that’s translated to other people.“

Reflecting deeper, she shares, “My harshness was a reflection of how I was talking to myself. Now that I’ve reined in my own self talk, I’m more patient, compassionate and thoughtful in how I get the best out of others, because that’s ultimately what I want.”

Empowering Others Beyond Yourself

Hairston feels blessed by an abundance of mentors and sponsors who had her best interests at heart, even when it meant losing her: “I think a lot of people see those who support them, whether consciously or unconsciously, as tools for their own growth and advancement and production. But there have been many people, at many turns, who let me go even when it was going to make things uncomfortable for them. They wanted to see me rise.”

She wishes to take that with her, “There are people in this organization, and across the industry, who have altered the trajectory of my career by presenting me with an opportunity or a challenge. That’s the type of impact that I want to have,” she says.

“Part of the responsibility of leadership, whether you’re the CEO or have one direct report, is to develop people and I hope I never lose sight of that.” It’s also important to her to be a steady presence that others can call on when they need anything.

Hairston is inspired by leaders who embody vulnerability and transparency. “They have the confidence to give you the latitude for mistakes and really allow you to grow,” she says. That latitude has looked like saying her name in rooms she can’t be in and risking putting their name behind hers while advancing her into new challenges.

She traveled broadly before the pandemic – from Costa Rica, Dubai, and Cape Town to London and Zurich. While more grounded during recent times, she’s explored cultures through food and suspects she’s read about 35 books in the last year and a half.

A sci-fi fantasy and Harry Potter fan, she enjoys V.E. Schwab and sometimes reads young adult fiction to appreciate the diversity of representation that was absent when she was growing up. Though never a “dog person,” she was lovingly coerced into puppy parenting. She and her partner have a seven-month-old Bichon Frise named Artemis.

By Aimee Hansen

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Rupal Shah: Principal, PGIM Fixed Income

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Rupal ShahRupal Shah describes her journey, which includes taking uncomfortable (but intentional) leaps in her career, finding her voice, staying challenged, humble and authentic, and dedicating her time to the service of others.

“Create the greatest, grandest vision possible for your life and career because you become what you believe.”

Big Leaps to Follow Her Own Compass

Shah’s parents immigrated to the U.S. from India with master’s degrees and not much else. Her childhood is defined by watching and learning from their hard work and sacrifice. “My parents’ determination and perseverance are in my DNA. They each worked multiple jobs and navigated innumerous obstacles as foreigners in a new country. They had a vision of a life they wanted to give our family and they manifested that vision.”

She lives by the lessons that her parents taught her with their actions. Similarly, Shah paved her own career path, learned from her mistakes and was able to navigate the challenges she faced along the way on her own. “Create the greatest, grandest vision possible for your life and career because you become what you believe.”

Shah recounts, “Each step of my career taught me meaningful characteristics about myself and helped me make my next leap.” Shah spent some of her earlier years in back-office roles within Goldman Sachs, ultimately transitioning to an analytical role within the sales and trading division. Simultaneously, she was getting her MBA part-time at New York University’s Stern School of Business. Despite the hectic schedule, she learned the importance of networking with people around the firm to learn about their roles. It was through these conversations that she was able to determine where she wanted to lead her career path.

“The time spent networking paid dividends and those relationships are my currency,” she says. Post graduate school, after 32 interviews and various naysayers, Shah was given an opportunity to cover strategic relationships within Goldman Sachs’ Asset Management Division, despite various senior professionals deterring her from applying for the opportunity.

“The firm told me they were taking a leap of faith on me. As appreciative as I was of the opportunity, I felt like the underdog. If nothing else, this motivated me to work harder to succeed. There were many times during my career where I was told I couldn’t, or I shouldn’t, or I wasn’t included. I would tell myself that I do not need a seat at that table, I will just build my own. I realized I needed to trust my instinct, and rather than any firm taking a leap of faith on me, I would take leap of faith on myself.”

“Your career is your own. Make sure you’re the one driving it.”

As an Indian American woman in fixed income, Shah has had to reach beyond her comfort zone and override both self-doubt and conditioning, to find her voice. While the context can be intimidating, she realized she had to stop putting up extra hurdles for herself and trust her instincts.

“In my culture, we were raised to not challenge or question anything. We were taught that respect was blindly listening to your elders. But I saw time and time again how this learned behavior would be a detriment to my career,” says Shah.

“In my first few roles, I was scared to ask questions or challenge others. I remember having hard days and I would not speak up when there was something that needed to be said. These situations continued over the years, and I learned that what I had to offer was valuable. I forced myself to develop a voice and really stick to what I believe in and be authentic in that. More than ever, I know my voice matters. It’s been a long path to get here but I see the rewards of taking a view and sticking to it with certainty.”

When thinking back on the journey, she’d encourage her younger self to develop that confidence sooner. “The young women we interview today are so confident and impressive, and I love seeing that.”

Staying Challenged

Shah’s mantra is “if you’re not challenged, you’re not growing.” She continuously asks herself if she feels comfortable in roles. If the answer is yes, she knows she is not evolving. “Comfort becomes shackles to growth. I always want to step so far out of my comfort zone that I forget how to get back.”

Recently, Shah was given the opportunity to build the third-party insurance business for PGIM Fixed Income. Shah has had to push herself out of her comfort zone and trust the strength and skills she has developed over the years. “It’s rewarding to have been able to forge a path that truly will be successful for our firm. I’m incredibly excited to strategically build something new. I’ve been blessed with great opportunities to build and create throughout my career, but this is certainly a new frontier. Thinking of new ideas, strategies, products, building a new team and learning different concepts is challenging and exhilarating.”

“It is important to stay humble and authentic to yourself to be a strong leader.”

Since Shah joined PGIM Fixed Income, she has been involved in recruiting, hiring, and retaining talent. “Our people are our biggest asset. Hiring, training, and nurturing our talent is our greatest responsibility. When people come to work, they should love being here. I want people not only to feel motivated about their work product but also by the work environment,” says Shah. “I’m a huge believer that each person is treated like an individual and should feel empowered. I really nurture my relationships, and that’s a huge part of my leadership.”

“I’ve worked for some truly inspirational people that have shown me the type of leader I want to be. I picked traits along the way and found the style that I felt truly represented the person I am. I lead with kindness and respect, I am the first one to admit when I am wrong, and I embrace that we are all continuously evolving.” Being an authentic leader helps garner mutual respect amongst the team and her leadership is what Shah deems to be her greatest success.

The Most Rewarding Work

As a mother of two, Shah navigates a thriving career, being a fully present mother, running marathons and co-running a charity. Shah says, “It certainly is not easy, but if it’s not hard, it’s not worth it.”

Orphan Life Foundation is the charity Shah co-leads. Her contribution involves supporting orphaned children in India and Burkina Faso from providing basic human needs such as food, clothing, bedding, etc to larger projects such as installing water filtration systems and providing bikes as transport to school.

As a child, Shah’s parents took her family to India every two years. They would visit an orphanage near her father’s hometown and contribute to support the children. The trips were so much more than visiting family.

“It kept me close to my roots, truly humbled me and filled me with gratitude for the opportunities I would have ahead. Those trips really define who I am today,” Shah says. Her charity work continues this tradition, including visits to India.

Shah is currently working on setting up a mentor program between the orphanage in Burkina Faso and a local school in Newark that she has spent time with over the years. She wishes to gift her own children the relative perspective of gratitude for the life they have, the hard work and effort it takes to succeed, and awareness of helping others who were not born into the same.

“This is what I do for me,” says Shah. “I love my career, my family, and the impact I can make. It’s all so exhilarating, but nothing really rewards like this.”

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Lead with Clarity: How to Change Up Your Perceptual Lens

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perceptual lensMost of us think that our beliefs are truth. But beliefs are not facts. Rather, they are a core part of
 our perceptual lens, and thus very powerful in shaping our everyday experiences.

Psychologists refer to this as a perceptual set – a predisposition to perceive things in a certain 
way, which leads us to notice only certain aspects of an object or situation while ignoring other
 details. I like to refer to these as perceptual lenses, because it’s literally the “lens” which you
 unconsciously and subconsciously perceive the world through that’s driving your behavior.

There are all kinds of perceptual lenses, and each of us tends to use, and overuse, our own few
 personal favorites. For example, when someone has a competitive lens, they will relate to almost
 any situation as though it is a competition, whether or not any such competition exists. Someone
 with a binary lens will relate to most situations as if there is only one right answer, and
 everything and everyone else is wrong.

Typically, we each have a few favorites that we apply no matter what the context. Because we
 are using these few lenses by default, they often are not appropriate to the context. We need to
 expand past our tired old playlist.

There are two kinds of lenses: generally helpful lenses, and those that are impeding when 
overused.

Generally helpful lenses:
  • Collaborative lens. The I-win-when-you-win-approach.
  • Optimistic lens. “Everything always works out for the best, even if it doesn’t seem so in the moment.”
  • Create possibility lens. It temporarily sets aside all perceived obstacles, problems, or doubts, in order to give you freedom to imagine an ideal.
  • Opportunity lens. With this lens, you ask yourself, “How can I find an opportunity in whatever situation I face?”
Impeding lenses:
  • “Problems to fix” or “what’s wrong” lens. With this lens, someone is always looking
 for something to go wrong; they are always wondering what can go wrong here, what
 will go wrong here?
  • Victim lens. “It doesn’t matter anyway.” “I can’t make a difference.” “Bad things always happen to me.”
  • Distrust/“It’s not safe” lens. A person with this lens operates from a default position that the world around them is inherently dangerous.
  • Binary/“black or white” lens. With this lens, a person tends to view situations as “either/or.” There’s no gray area, there’s no middle ground.

Each of these lenses has its own set of underlying beliefs and assumptions. You see what your
 lens shows you.

If you habitually default to the same lens all of the time, in every situation, then you are not 
perceiving the actual circumstances and environment around you. You are seeing only what your
 lens shows you. You are making assumptions instead of gleaning useful data that would more
 constructively guide your choices and actions.

You can’t be human and be without any lenses, but you can be aware of your lens, as well as be 
intentional about choosing an appropriate lens for any given situation. There is a place for a 
competitive lens and a collaborative lens, for a problems lens and an opportunity lens, and so on.
 What does not serve us is to blindly and automatically apply one lens across the board no matter
 what is actually happening.

Road Bump To Choosing A New Lens: You’re Attached To Your Story

You can’t change your lens while wearing your current lens. The people who have the hardest
 time transforming their leadership, or their lives, are those who hold onto their own story very,
 very tightly. Their self-image is dependent upon them being “the one who always_________.”
 The one who’s always right. The one who never gets what they want. The one who always 
achieves. The one who always cleans up after others. The one who’s the smartest. The one who 
is always betrayed. When you are so locked into your story, then a change of perceptual lens can 
feel destabilizing. If you aren’t the one who always is this or that, or who does this or that, then 
who are you?

When you step into the unfamiliar territory of using a new lens, you need to be willing to “try” it 
out. On some level you will feel some relief—because you are choosing a lens that empowers
 you— but on another level you are likely to resist the feeling of change.

Recognize your discomfort for what it is: your ego’s inner defenses against change. The 
solution? Acknowledge that discomfort while trying on the new lens— even though it feels odd,
 contradictory, or just plain impossible. You keep doing that again and again until the new lens 
can start to stay in place, and the new lens becomes the new you.

Initially, you aren’t going to have “proof ” that any of these helpful lenses will bring you better 
results than your current, impeding lens. You can only give them a try. Be curious, open,
 experimental. Lean into it. Doing so increases your options. And pay attention to what happens; 
observe your new results. Loosen up on your own story until you really get that your story is not
 you. That’s the only way that true change can happen.

By: Jody Michael is the author of Leading Lightly: Lower Your Stress, Think with Clarity, and Lead with Ease (Greenleaf Book Group Press, 2022). She is CEO of Jody Michael Associates, a coaching company specializing in executive coaching, leadership development, and career coaching. She is recognized as one of the top 4% of coaches worldwide and is an internationally credentialed Master Certified Coach, Board Certified Coach, University of Chicago trained psychotherapist, and Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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Elena Kim: VP Business Development, TV/OTT at Global Music Rights

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Elena Kim“I found a different lease on my otherness. I can’t chase everybody’s projection of me,” says Elena Kim, “but the more I recognize the uniqueness of my own experience, the more I feel I have to offer.”

Kim speaks to how she learned to dream, connecting through differences, emotional regulation and integrating masculine and feminine aspects of leadership.

How the Invitation To Dream Changed Everything

Kim spent the first six years of her career in investment banking in Moscow, before the financial crisis of 2008. She decided to take the ‘opportunity’ of the market slump to invest in herself by pursuing an MBA. While filling out the application, she had to answer where she envisioned herself in five years, which she had never considered: “It quickly became a self-discovery journey for me.”

When Kim pondered what she cared or was passionate about, she realized she didn’t know what she really wanted.

“It was the first time when I allowed myself to dream as if anything was possible,” reflects Kim. “At that time, it was films and TV series – my window into the bigger world, into a different world. Growing up in Uzbekistan, I never had allowed myself to even consider the possibility of working in entertainment.”

She received her MBA from UCLA Anderson School of Management in Los Angeles when digital media was becoming prevalent in media and entertainment, which created a permissive playing field of newbies. Jumping on the rising wave of digital transformation as major players were just coming onto the scene, she joined a startup and began to reinvent her career path.

For several years, she acquired film and TV content for digital platforms, such as Hulu, Vimeo and iflix. For the past three years, she has negotiated and licensed music rights for programming across broadcast, cable, local TV networks and streaming platforms, which gives her a bird’s eye view of the whole TV and film industry.

“What I’m passionate about is figuring out what makes people’s hearts beat faster. What do they really love to watch and what determines that?” she says.

Having worked across emerging markets, she observed the obvious: whereas what people prefer to watch in Latin America might differ from that in Eastern Europe, Middle East, Africa or Southeast Asia, the love for stories about human experience is shared universally.

The Curiosity to Learn

Early on, Kim believes that her strongest asset was curiosity and willingness to dig deep into a subject. She notes she had amazing teachers who taught her the structure of learning a new skill and how to dissect a new concept to understand it.

“So how do you learn a new industry, for example? You look at the main players and their business models: how do people make money? What is the current political, economic, legislative environment impacting the industry? What are the major trends? What stands behind the main buzzwords?” asks Kim. “As you learn the basics, you then start tuning into where the opportunity is. What forms core competitive advantage, and what is driving the opportunity, what needs to hold true to fully unleash value? etc.”

When she was coming from Russia to the U.S., shifting from banking to media, she applied this process: “It became very clear to me that the wind was blowing towards online viewing, and I knew I wanted a job that had something to do with digital distribution.”

She loves how digital distribution of content included many more voices in a global dialogue. Regardless of where you are from and what you believe, you can connect over Game of Thrones or Friends.

The Value In Our Differences

As an avid globe trotter (over 60 countries and counting), she finds traveling therapeutic. She especially enjoys interacting with local people who don’t speak her language, figuring out ways to communicate beyond verbal. She holds such memories dear to her heart after surviving an earthquake in Nepal, sharing music with children from indigenous tribes in Indonesia, self-driving through Botswana and Namibia with local hitchhikers, getting help from local police after being robbed in Argentina, for example.

During one such trip, she traveled to Peru and had her first experience with plant medicine under the guidance of a local shaman, who held space with due reverence to ancient practices and traditions: “This was learning on a cosmic level. I won’t even attempt to describe it in words. If my spiritual inquiry started with understanding the concepts of neuroplasticity (who you are today is not a verdict), my awakening was turbo charged by living through the learning during this psychedelic experience.”

Kim continues, “One of the things now running through my veins is the knowing that what makes me connect with people is the ways in which we are similar, what intrigues and draws me to people is the ways in which we are different.”

“My personal journey with ‘otherness’ has been an emotional roller coaster. I am Korean ethnically, born in a Muslim country of Uzbekistan, mentally grew up in Russian culture in the Russian society,” says Kim. “Now I live in the U.S. as a gay woman, a scientifically-inclined spiritual psychonaut, where I’m ‘too woo woo’ in analytical circles and ‘too in my head’ in esoteric environments, etc. Of course, these are mostly distorted self-assessments.”

Growing up, she felt the disconnection of being Asian in Russia by not ‘presenting’ as Russian. Yet she speaks Russian, not Korean or Chinese, for which she’s regularly mistaken. Last year, prior to the current geopolitical crisis, she spent time in Russia, where she identified a piece in herself that she feels is Russian: her sense of depth. She does not give people any box to put her in anymore: “I don’t even fit the labels I have for myself,” she notes, “I’ve stopped explaining. ‘I’m from Russia’ is all I say now.”

To Kim, whatever makes us different is what helps us to represent a specific side of humanity as part of the whole. She resonates with Jerome Braggs’s notion that if you believe in universal oneness, then excluding experiences that are unique leads to robbing others of a fuller wholeness. Therefore, the more different we’re perceived we are, the more important it is for us to show up in all areas of life – and she notes those differences are defined in so many ways beyond ethnicity, race, gender or sexual orientation.

Integrating Feminine and Masculine Traits in Leadership

In a previous role, Kim was encouraged to start an initiative to foster diversity, equality and inclusion across employees from 40+ different countries and cultural backgrounds, which activated for her the importance of so-to-speak “feminine” qualities of leadership, especially when dealing with something intangible like what gives people a collective sense of purpose, belonging, safety for authenticity, and striving for excellence.

Kim recounts we have historically glorified and rewarded traits of leadership that are labeled as “masculine” – assertiveness, linear thinking, clarity without questioning and go-getting. But traits that we assign as “feminine” – such as empathy, collaboration, creating constructive atmosphere – are considered nice-to-have but not necessarily perceived as attributes of leadership or rewarded.

“The DE&I initiative quickly led me to a path of dissecting and challenging the leadership paradigm that we were operating under,” reflects Kim. “It’s so clear to me that to be successful in a multicultural organization, you have to have an acute level of empathy and cultural awareness. And the soft skills are increasingly becoming must-have.”

She has come to see that “feminine” leadership qualities are a necessary complement to “masculine” qualities, not a compromise or trade-of. “I used to hold this myth that once you start being softer, you lose your edge, an ability to reach goals in a timely manner. I had this notion you either be like a robot or you float in the clouds, and that was a misconception.”

Reflecting on the evolution of her leadership style, she says: “Even if I was telling myself a different story, early on I was truly managing out of egoic fear of losing control. I was never a micro-manager, but I was a micro-controller. I had to know everything, call the shots, be the one interacting with management to control the narrative, etc.”

Kim realizes this came from being extremely demanding on herself, and meant she came off polished and unapproachable. As she steps up as a leader, her focus is increasingly shifting to creating opportunities for others to push their growth edges, normalizing making mistakes while minimizing their impact.

Now she finds herself at a company that’s thriving despite the global pandemic. “We have set clear goals, roles, strategy and timeline, while the flow and interaction within the team remains fluid, supportive and trusting. I don’t need to chase anyone to get their job done, rather keep communicating progress, so folks can self-direct their work streams to deliver on time. This release of control within set boundaries is still work in progress as my ego peeks its head constantly. With that, I find myself being successful at my job, really supported by my team and a much happier me.”

Emotional Regulation and Co-Creation

Kim feels the pandemic, socio-economic inequity, and current geopolitical crises have brought a set of unique challenges around managing people’s mental and emotional states. Leaders are not necessarily equipped with due skillsets, protocols or guidelines to attend to people’s emotional turbulence. She is increasingly interested in the area of emotional self-regulation and has heard many executives speak to challenges of operating in toxic environments where stress and reactivity are the norms: “Even in my relatively emotionally intelligent company, without the acquired self-regulation practices I’ve exposed myself to in the last couple of years, I could not have managed some of the incidents that have come up inside and outside of the company. A simple thing like taking a deep breath might lead to a more beneficial outcome in an emotionally charged situation. These tools are teachable and the impact is quickly palpable.”

Her latest fascinations include Web 3.0 and decentralization, and she’s presently teaching a blockchain fundamentals course at chief.com to a network for executive women.

By Aimee Hansen

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Personal Transformation in 2022: What are You Harmonizing With?

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transformationThe transformational story of caterpillar to winged butterfly has arguably become an overused and often abused analogy for rebirth. Yet, the crux of the journey is neither the caterpillar nor the butterfly, but the dissolution and uncertainty in the void of the chrysalis.

The messy process of transformation, the surrender of what has been for what will come, both terrifies and excites us. As humans, we face uncertainty in the transformation journey many times in our cycles of personal growth.

It is partially the willingness to go the liminal place of uncertainty that determines our capacity for personal evolution.

We also face a challenging matter the caterpillar does not: how resistant the human ego can be when it comes to letting go of who we have perceived ourselves to be, and the worth and value we have attached to it.

Separate Your Worth From Your Roles

Identity, according to Psychology Today, “encompasses the memories, experiences, relationships, and values that create one’s sense of self.”

In her book Warrior Goddess Training: Become the Woman You Are Meant to Be, Heather Ash Amara speaks to how we often attach value or self-worth to the roles we play within our lives. Any role that we identify with, no matter how valuable it may be to our sense of self, also becomes a too narrow script to ultimately live in.

A role can range anything from a “loving mother” to a “successful executive” to a “good friend” to a “resilient entrepreneur.”

We tend to have a script for every role we play, one that was often written before us. How you perceive yourself and how others perceive you can become a trap. Being stuck to being something you have been proud to identify with can be as much of a cage as being boxed into a role that you never asked for, if you have to keep acting out the script of that role to feel worthiness.

If you’ve attached to the image of being a world traveler, you might buy a ticket when you truly crave a home. You may not even be able to admit to yourself that you crave a home. If you’re attached to being a loving mother, perhaps your script does not include taking the personal break you really need. If you’ve attached your worth to being a good friend, you may have written yourself into a contract of being available more than what is now kind to you.

In order to be free to move authentically in our lives between roles, to both redefine who we are and to expand, we must be able to release ourselves from any script we’ve attached our worth and value to.

So take stock of the roles you are playing:

  • What roles have you currently attached some sense of worth or value to?
  • What is the script you have defined for each?
  • What worth do you derive from playing these roles?

When it comes to change, we have to be willing to question where we have displaced our sense of worth. We rather come to source it from our inherent selves and sometimes tear up or simply re-envision our scripts to fit who we are now.

As Brené Brown often speaks to, we have to stop hustling for our worthiness, which ultimately comes from shame and fear we are not enough. We must realize, as Meggan Watterson writes, “Worth is not given, it’s claimed.”

From a place of knowing our inherent worth, we give ourselves permission to shed who we have been without losing our sense of value in the world, and more importantly, our connection to ourselves.

Harmonize To Where You Want To Be

Inside of personal change, there is often a time of dissolution between a previous reality and the one that you are moving towards. And while you might not be able to see it, you can still harmonize towards where your inner awareness is taking you.

Imaginal cells are like the blank slate of the becoming inside the chrysalis. The caterpillar is gone. Possibility exists. At first, imaginal cells operate like disconnected islands and appear to be a threat to the organism. It is only once enough imaginal cells begin to vibrate at the intrinsic tune of butterfly and communicate with each other that they reach the tipping point of collectively becoming the butterfly.

Often, a time of transformation does involve re-imagining our lives. It’s not only new outcomes we might envision, but begins with our beliefs about ourselves, others and how the world works, as these are often shaping the reality we are operating within. If all the cells still vibrated at caterpillar, the change would never occur.

As Joe Dispenza writes in Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, “a state of being means we have become familiar with a mental-emotional state, a way of thinking and a way of feeling, which has become an integral part of our self-identity.”

Just as with roles, the truth is that we can derive worth and value and reward from our limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world, even if that value is the ability to stay comfortable inside of our limitations. We must not only be able to see the pattern, but desire to evolve, by actively challenging the more well-oiled perceptual pathways within so that we shift to and harmonize at a new level. As we begin to do this, we notice change begins to happen.

In her book How To Do The Work, Dr. Nicole LePera, also known as “The Holistic Psychologist”, shares her writing practice of leaning into growth through her Future Self Journaling prompts she used to ground new experiences in her body.

For the new experience she wishes to cultivate (eg restoring balance to her nervous system), LePera writes what she is practicing today, why she is grateful to be practicing it, what she is doing, how will she know when she is doing it and what the change will allow her to feel.

This journaling practice is a way to resonate more with the woman she is becoming and with the balanced nervous system she wishes to cultivate. Often we need to practice not only thinking in the direction we are moving, but feeling into it. This act of attention is infusing the conversations happening within the cells with a new way of being within the body.

Even when we don’t know our next big landing place, we can often feel the internal pull to evolve from within even as we must overcome ourselves, just as the being in the chrysalis must release the caterpillar to the open possibility of the imagination of cells.

Are you able to release yourself from the bounds of roles in which you have previously cast your worth? Are you able to harmonize more of your feelings and thoughts and actions with the being you can feel you are becoming?

In the uncertainty of the chrysalis and transition within a human life, this may look like nothing. But little by little, these small practices become the change.

By Aimee Hansen

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Self-Awareness – What Can You Not Access Yourself and What to Do About That?

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By Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Psychologist

Reading is the supreme life hack – medium.com recently declared gifting a list of psychology and philosophy books, a couple of which got added to my (long) reading list.

Reading is an executive habit, with top executives reading at a much higher rate than others, with some stats quoting one book per week. But, it is what you do with what you read that counts.

Behavior change is notoriously hard for anyone. Addiction theory and neuroscience tells us that it takes sixteen weeks to bring a habit.

There is no doubt that our habits are socially acceptable like over working, over extending and never believing enough is enough. Then there is the whole topic of feeling worthy! Our fires are fueled by our self- talk, our mental models and our beliefs – implicit and explicit. Are you consciously goal setting or is the driver of your bus your unconscious mind? Just what role does the belief set that has been formed since childhood play right now? Our fear can fuel us without us ever realizing the agenda it creates while we go about our business.

Are you ready to talk about it and go on a journey of discovery?

Work with nicki@evolvedpeople.com as your executive coach to kill those gremlins!

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