by Aimee Hansen
What desire or longing do you have?
Is there something you want to be, or do, or feel or have?
Is there something within that seeks to be expressed or experienced, or that calls for a change?
Okay, but what are you committing to?
You may know what you want, but are you affirming your desire and moving towards it?
Often, we habitually commit to undermining our desires.
Until we bring this harsh truth into awareness, we might be working against ourselves. If you have a desire that you are not nurturing, asking yourself this question:
Instead of your desire, what are you actually committing to?
Ask in a day-in, day-out kind of way. Ask when it comes to your habits, actions, thoughts and beliefs.
Often, we are not aware or radically self-honest about what we are actually committing to instead of our true desires.
We think of committing to something as being intentional and deliberate investment towards a goal or agreement. But intention is not necessary. In practice, repetitive habit alone creates commitment.
On a daily basis, we might “commit” to bottling up anger, people-pleasing, holding back our “no”, scrolling on our phone, over-working and perpetuating 24/7 availability.
Notice how the language “commit” usually refers to a mistake or a crime, whereas commitment refers to a focused dedication.
Take this example of how habit becomes commitment: activate screen time monitoring on your smartphone. How many hours a week are you committing to social media?
Without even realizing it, we do “commit” away from our desires much of the time. If you are dissatisfied in a persistent situation, you can step back and ask yourself what you have been committing to.
This question will often reveal some accountability at play, even if it’s as simple as continued acquiescence to and participation in a situation or circumstance you are not aligned with.
We often commit to a repetition of thoughts and actions that are tethered to our conditioning or our comfort zone or our fear.
What is happening now?
Check in by asking what is actually happening now. Often, you are more committed to what is happening than what you say you desire.
Here are three examples:
Desire: to write a book
Reality: not writing it
Committing to: working overtime, spending time with your kids, scrolling on Facebook, Netflix before bed, going to the gym, reiterating beliefs about not being qualified, etc
Desire: to be promoted
Reality: stagnant in your position
Committing to: doing office housework, focusing only on skills that you feel comfortable and competent in, being productive rather than demonstrating leadership and delegation, waiting for recognition rather than active self-promoting, etc
Desire: a loving, supportive relationship
Reality: a confusing, uncommitted relationship
Committing to: chasing unavailable people, subjugating your own needs, sticking with what doesn’t work, rationalizing someone else’s behavior, fantasizing what could be rather than seeing reality, etc
As you can see, what you are committed to is not always a negative thing. However, sometimes it is self-sabotaging or shows a lack of faith that you could have what you want.
What can you do?
Seeing what you are currently committing helps to reveal how you actually feel and what the braver action might be.
Perhaps it’s not the time to write that book based on what you value right now, so you can stop beating yourself over the head with “should”.
Perhaps you have not realized that you are hiding in your comfort zone,and you realize it’s time to start playing at the level you wish to reach.
Perhaps commitment to what you want you requires walking away from what is not good enough, with faith what you want will come.
In each case, it’s enlightening to see what you are actually committing to and whether that aligns with your true desires for yourself.
What are you believing?
Also, consider whether your mind and heart are in coherence with your desire. There’s a reason why we commit to what we’re actually doing now, even if unconscious.
Our current behavior may match our sense of self-worth, or self-love or our conditioning around what is possible for us or what is normal. It may be rewarding at the egoic fear-based level.
We often want something and also hold limiting beliefs about why it is not desirable or possible, for us. We might hold beliefs that would make the realization itself hollow.
You want to write a book. But your idea about who a published author is doesn’t match your own sense of yourself.
You want a promotion. But you are also terrified the new role would just mean more anxiety.
You want a supportive, loving relationship. But you fear that relationship means compromise and you are too much for anyone.
Despite knowing what we want, some parts of our internal selves might run contradictory to realizing it, or even letting ourselves fully want it.
As Anne Lamott writes, “If you’re not enough before the gold medal, you won’t be enough with it.”
By asking yourself what you long for, observing what you are actually committed to (instead), and investigating the beliefs underpinning what you are habitually doing, you can gift yourself a wake up call.
And then, you can choose to re-orient your energies towards alignment with what you really want.
Luvleen Sidhu, Co-Founder and CEO, BankMobile, a division of Customers Bank
Movers and Shakers“While I am incredibly proud of my work leading this company, I’ve developed a new appreciation for the challenges leaders face. It takes a lot of patience and dedication, mixed with the understanding that you are probably going to have to change course along the way as you learn more.”
Finding the Creativity in Finance
Changing course comes naturally to Sidhu; although her dad was in finance, she initially pursued a premed path at Harvard. When she realized she preferred to follow in his footsteps, her parents gave her their blessing, and she began working at Lehman Brothers while still in school and joined full-time after graduation. She soon learned how fast things can change as her first day coincided with the bankruptcy. Fortunately, her role was on the hedge fund side so she was protected and stayed there for two years after it became Neuberger Berman. “It was a pivotal moment for me as I realized the fragility of the financial industry and also saw people who lost everything, a realization that has impacted me and helped influence what we do today.”
She then went to work at Customers Bank for a year, exploring digital bank models, then earned her MBA at Wharton. That’s where she got the entrepreneurial bug, which was reinforced by a project during a summer position in the financial services practice at Booz & Company, where she was helping a client strategize how to launch its own digital bank.
She got a full time offer to join Booz, which became part of PwC, and that’s when the concept of BankMobile came up, as a culmination of everything she had explored throughout her career to date. “As my classes showed, you have to find a need and see where you can do it better.”
Indeed, she saw an opportunity in banking where customers were lacking the experience they wanted, and she felt there could be a more affordable, transparent banking model that would be digital first—and also profitable.
Innovation Leads to Success
With that idea in mind, Sidhu partnered with Customers Bank to complement its strength as a small business bank and incubate BankMobile as a consumer digital bank. Since then she has overseen its monumental growth and was named “Fintech Woman of the Year” by LendIt in 2019, when the bank was also honored as “Most Innovative Bank.”
Currently she is excited about a strategy they are pursuing of white label banking for companies that want a unique way to attract, retain and delight customers. Since BankMobile has already identified the pain points, they can provide the end-to-end experiences that allows companies to offer their own branded banking services while avoiding the regulatory challenges inherent in becoming a bank. Already they are working with nearly 800 colleges, as well as T-Mobile.
That decision came from the realization that sometimes you have to pivot, and while you might not end up how you started, it can be just as meaningful. This business shift came after a year-and-a-half when they realized that while they wanted to create a brand that would resonate with their customers, the direct to consumer model was not going to be as profitable. “The choice was to stick with this consumer brand or pivot, which would allow us to still be true to the mission to create more affordable, transparent banking. We recognized that we can embrace a different way to accomplish our goals and mission, which brought about the change from B2C to B2B.”
Seeking Advice from Like-Minded People
Throughout her life, Sidhu has recognized the importance of mentors, starting with the superintendent of her high school and middle school who was a mentor to her then and has since started his own executive coaching company. In that role, he has provided her leadership team with coaching to help develop their thinking around core values and mission.
“He’s an eternal learner and having someone I’ve known throughout my life whom I trust and respect has been an important relationship,” Sidhu says.
She also counts her father as both mentor and role model. Currently he is CEO of Customers Bancorp, the parent bank, but previously he had helped grow Sovereign Bank, now Santander Bank, into a top national bank. “I love his patience and excitement. Even when things get tough, he is lighthearted and gets excited and energized by challenges. He rolls with the punches,” she says, adding that of course she also appreciates that he had given her a head start in learning about banking at a young age.
Today she also finds inspiration among her fellow CEOs as an active member of the Young Presidents’ Organization, which meets weekly to discuss current topics and share best practices. Throughout the COVID-19 situation, she has found it invaluable to hear how others are navigating similar situations in varied areas, such as communicating with customers and employees, cutting costs, negotiating leases, working with a remote team and most of all, protecting their health and that of their business.
Spirituality is very important to Sidhu, who starts every morning with 45 minutes of chanting. “It energizes me and helps me reflect and find clarity toward my intentions for that day and my life as a whole.”
by Cathie Ericson
Geetha Neelakantiah, Senior Vice President of Business Development and General Manager, Semcasting
Voices of Experience“Even in college, I wish I would have done more investigation into what else was out there—all the industries that are available,” she says.
While she fell into the perfect role for herself at Semcasting, which works across vertical industries, she thinks everyone should have the chance to get exposure to all aspects of business so they can decide what they’re most attuned to.
“Working for a large company is great, but it’s also important to understand how a business runs,” she says.
Exploring Her Own Destiny
That belief comes from her own process in finding the right type of job. While she is now drawn to the startup environment given its entrepreneurial mindset and out-of-the-box thought process, Neelakantiah initially graduated with an engineering degree. However, she decided to switch into accounting and finance and earned her master’s degree in those fields before eventually pursuing her MBA.
Through a robust focus on networking, she found startups in the dot.com days that needed her help—from consulting to part-time engagements—and would move to various companies as new, exciting opportunities became available. She was one of the early employees at her current company, which has been around for more than a decade, finding she could easily switch roles and use her skills in diverse disciplines—from finance and accounting to product development and sales and marketing.
“It has given me satisfaction to watch Semcasting grow and to imagine our potential continued growth as the industry changes. We are constantly at the forefront,” Neelakantiah says.
She believes that her background and perseverance in staying one step ahead and finding different opportunities will allow her to continue to help change the market and industry. Recently, she has been an integral part of building and designing a new product that they intend to launch in the coming months, and she looks forward to introducing it to her partners when the time is right.
“The marketing world is constantly changing, and I always work to stay on top of evolving marketing trends and privacy laws, ensuring we stay abreast of and even in front of changing laws. They are woven into our products as we introduce them,” Neelakantiah says.
Mentoring Others
Given her own uncertainty about the right type of path to pursue, Neelakantiah makes a commitment to talk to new hires and give them exposure to not only what they’re doing in their day-to-day roles, but also the bigger picture, so they can see the impact they are having for the brand and company’s success.
She appreciates the chance to help others since she didn’t initially have a lot of female role models. “You have to remember how you got to where you are and help women take ownership and figure out how to get where they should,” Neelakantiah says.
That’s why she believes it’s important for more seasoned employees to help younger ones who are just coming in; who might have held a few positions yet don’t fully understand the industry. “Often, they need guidance, encouragement and mentoring by someone who’s not their boss,” she points out.
“I work a lot but have a great private life at the same time,” Neelakantiah says, which is part of her mantra that it’s important to find the balance between your work and private life. “You can work the normal hours, but you need to ask yourself where you can optimize and make a bigger impact; in other words: working smarter, not harder.”
Knowing that she is “not a winter person,” Neelakantiah understands that spring, summer and fall are her times to enjoy, and she will alter her schedule as needed to ensure she can spend more time on herself during those months, doing what she loves.
She and her fiancé enjoy golfing, and she even plays with the LPGA Amateur Association, which allows her to have social time with friends while maintaining an element of competition.
But ultimately, she says, family and friends are what matter. “We are realizing that more than ever,” she says. “The work will be there, and we have to figure out how to create the balance.”
by Cathie Ericson
Being a Working Mother During COVID-19
Career AdviceIt is hard to be everywhere at once. Can we truly have a professional career this year and school and care for our kids at home? Are men having to ask themselves the same question, or is it primarily women who are being adversely affected? That is the litmus test for equality. An important caveat is there are really great men who are stay-at-home dads all of the time and should get more recognition than they do, same as stay-at-home mothers. Both roles deserve a medal, but to also say that this not about what went before in an imperfect world, but about the impossible pressure points of the new reality of the dual roles of full-time employee and full-time parent at once.
The New York Times writes that COVID’s sociological effects may even have scarred a whole generation of women and the underlying conditions such as the motherhood penalty versus the fatherhood bonus and good old fashioned ongoing wage and promotional gaps, along with the continued implicit belief that men belong at work or as leaders whereas women are there by choice somehow, has no doubt created the perfect storm.
The double bind for women lies in too much work to get humanly done in one day. Then there is the other tricky side of the coin, which shows that women are getting furloughed or fired in bigger numbers, and not hired this year at the same rate (for example in STEM jobs and technology firms) in the first place, leaving them helpless to a “whoever works gets priority to be-left alone to work” paradigm. Default career of teacher then begins for so many women who just feel that they are damned if they do and damned if they don’t in this new decade of unplanned disruption.
But, for those who are dual career households with kids, some men in super liberal as well as conservative neighborhoods are still playing golf in the afternoons in couples where women are putting in double or triple shifts between their job and kids. This is not a political-party-led values divide for once, because the inequality of the division of labor and the mental load continues for republicans and democrats alike when it comes to working women and specifically working mothers. Women’s work has returned as the elephant in the room, turning back the clock to gender roles we thought we had ditched. Some advice columns implicitly suggest this is the way it is and to accept it, while others – which is the camp I am in – suggest this is a good time to rebalance it. Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) and one of the leading thinkers on this topic, suggests the following tips in her Harper’s Bazaar article:
1. Make the Invisible Visible
2. Believe All Time Is Created Equal
3. Focus on Your Why
4. Make Time for Planning
5. Own Tasks From Start to Finish
6. Focus on Fairness, Not 50/50
7. Modeling Matters (Including Out of Office Responses)
8. Burn Guilt and Shame
9. Be a Cultural Warrior (Care About Care)
Sociologist C. Wright Mills famously said, “Private troubles. Public issues.” Any issue that has appeared on our radar this year or ever, when it comes to experiencing what seems like personal or interpersonal challenges, is debated as individual choice or character traits, when it is always systemic and societal. The Lean In book and movement is a great example of how it was interpreted as a choice to do so, and completely missed the social constructs piece altogether.
Of course, the one choice that you do have is to collude or not collude with the way it has been. However, if it was that simple, we would all start the revolution today at work and home.
Sexism, much like racism, is a personal behavioral choice, but it is the other person and actually the system (how it runs) that has to mostly change for complete change. Flawed systems are not just based on sexist or racist people.
But, in the interest of looking at what you can do today, start with you. The organizational psychologists amongst us would argue Lewinian theory that states behavior is a function of both your personality and the environment you are in. Understand what works for you and map out not the world, but your world to understand the levers of getting other people to do better. What are the norms in your house or office around how things get done and who does them?
Now for the big stuff: deconstructing all the elements that have led to most women having massive amounts of internalized misogyny. Developmental psychologists Kegan and Lahey, in their book Immunity to Change, explore “mental complexity” and the holding of very competing beliefs at the same time (easier said than done, as cognitive dissonance is real and worldview is strong and unshakeable by mere facts) to understand that your truth is just your subjective truth based on the incumbent ideas of what is what. Whether at work or at home, the genome starts somewhere. Check your constructs, what have you been told that has been molded into your core beliefs?
How is that working out for you? No one says you have to keep doing it this way.
Nicki is our Head Coach and organizational psychologist. She will be guest coaching (virtually) at Working Mother magazine’s annual Multicultural Women’s National Conference this year. If you want a free exploratory session with Nicki, book here.
Intrepid Woman: Lisa Baker Morgan, Lawyer, Advocate, Chef, Author
People“Educate yourself and be open to a number of opportunities, rather than limiting yourself to one career path,” says Lisa Baker Morgan.
“It’s never too late to change or adapt, and it can happen several times as we move forward in our careers.”
An Unexpected Detour
Morgan’s life has taken a number of turns that she says she never could have anticipated in her wildest imagination, going from what she would term a “perfect” life; with a husband, who had made partner in his firm and two small kids. While she was taking a break from her previous life as an attorney to stay home with her kids, she unexpectedly became separated in 2005 and had to start her life entirely anew, having to essentially re-focus on her professional life, adapt to becoming a single mother, and address her psychological health simultaneously.
And then a health crisis with an unknown cause landed her in the hospital in ICU for over two weeks where she almost lost her life until a last-minute surgery saved her. This incident changed her perspective, and she used these two unexpected experiences as opportunities to make her life what she wanted it to be and focus on living in a positive way for her daughters.
At that point Morgan began writing her recently released book, Paris, Part Time. She decided not to return to the stressful and unpredictable world of litigation with its demanding schedule, and instead went to culinary school. From there she wrote cookbooks, became a private chef and cooking instructor in Los Angeles, Paris and Normandy, and as her daughters grew, she tried to figure out her next act.
Finding a Purpose
As the #MeToo movement gathered steam, Morgan pondered how she could help women and children using her background and headed back to law after a 16-year hiatus. She began working with women who had been sexually harassed in the workplace and during the course of this work grew to learn more about predators and individuals in trusted positions who have proximity to minors. “I had a new awareness that there is trauma being inflicted on our youth, and we often don’t hear about it until it is too late,” Morgan says. “People are realizing now that an individual carries that trauma throughout their life, and it manifests itself both emotionally and physically, even if they have tried to suppress it.”
As states attempted to respond to both issues simultaneously, many relaxed statutes of limitations that would allow adults to hold accountable those who had hurt them as children. For Morgan, the biggest challenge is dealing with the stress of helping hurting individuals on a daily basis, as they share the most excruciating things that have ever happened that they have never before shared. “It’s both a tremendous challenge and a blessing as I help them transition from victim to survivor,” she says. “The legal system is a way to hold the perpetrators accountable and give these people their lives back.
In addition to her legal work, Morgan continues consulting and teaching privately in the culinary industry and is focused on promoting her memoir, which will be released June 1. “Like every woman, I juggle all the responsibilities I have the best I can,” she says.
From Morgan’s view, the notion of “success” is highly subjective, and everyone has to define it for themselves. While she says she has felt success in different ways, today it comes from making a positive difference in someone’s life, whether that’s helping a survivor release their pain and proceed to a fulfilling life or hearing that recipes she created have become an integral part of someone’s annual Thanksgiving meal.
But overall, she urges others: “Be patient with yourself, and be open to life. It’s not a straight path, and it’s often the unexpected turns that are far better than the original plan that you had.”
The first of her family to attend college, Lisa Baker Morgan graduated from the University of Southern California with a degree in English Literature. She obtained her Juris Doctorate from Southwestern Law School and her culinary degree from Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts. Morgan is the co-author of Homegrown Herb Garden (Quarry, 2014) and the author of Simple Pleasures: Fifty-two weeks of turning ordinary ingredients into extraordinary moments (ciao yummy!, 2012). Morgan has given cooking classes at Chateau Bosgouet in Normandy and worked alongside Chef Bruno Doucet, owner of Paris’s La Regalade. She is also the author of a travel and food blog, www.chefmorgan.com, and has written numerous guest articles for food websites and blogs. She was featured in The Mothers of Reinvention (Vanguard Press, 2012) as a mother who faced change in a positive way. In addition to her writing and cooking endeavors, Morgan has taken on humanitarian and philanthropic causes in the United States and internationally, including advocacy on behalf of adults and children who have endured childhood sexual assault and trauma. Her newest book, Paris, Part Time, is out June 1st. She divides her time between Paris and Los Angeles.
Intrepid Woman: Liz Elting, Founder and CEO of the Elizabeth Elting Foundation
Intrepid Women Series, People“Those who can help, should help.”
That’s the impetus behind Liz Elting’s mission, as founder and CEO of the Elizabeth Elting Foundation, which lifts up women and marginalized populations in education, health and other ways.
Using Her Success to Help Others
Elting’s philanthropic ability comes from previous work success. She always loved languages—learning four of them while living, studying and working in five countries. After graduating from college with a degree in world languages, she worked at a translation company in production and sales which prompted her to realize the practice could likely be done better. After three years she decided to go back to school and earned her MBA from NYU; shortly after graduating, she held a finance position in a French bank and quickly realized it wasn’t for her. “As the only woman professional there, whenever the phone rang, they would call for me,” she says.
That led her to strike out on her own, where she started her own translation company. Over the next 26 years she grew TransPerfect into the world’s largest language solutions company, with over $600 million in revenue, more than 5,000 employees and 11,000 clients and offices in more than 90 cities worldwide.
In 2018 she sold her half of the company in order to focus full time on philanthropy, launching the Elizabeth Elting Foundation, which revolves around pure philanthropy, but also supporting entrepreneurs.
A Wide-Ranging Mission
The foundation has recently launched the Halo Project to meet the needs of those affected by COVID-19. “It’s a public health and economic catastrophe unlike anything we’ve seen; not only did it spread like wildfire faster than we could understand, but it painfully underscored structural inequalities,” she says. The foundation aims to identify areas where they can have the best impact, and it was an easy pivot to focus on women since they are often on the front lines.
Other important areas the foundation services include public health, such as the International Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia Foundation, designed to help research and treat a rare kind of lymphoma, which Elting’s father has. He had been told he had five years to live and now the common diagnosis has expanded to 18 years, signifying satisfying and rewarding progress.
She also does work with the American Heart Association, helping to raise awareness of women’s heart issues, an important need given that most heart research is directed toward men. Thanks to her work with Go Red for Women and her participation with the board, she’s become connected with other groups to help spread the word about heart disease prevention. For example, the foundation has installed a blood pressure kiosk at the Campaign Against Hunger’s sites to help those populations get their blood pressure checked. She also has supplied Susan’s Place, a women’s shelter in Harlem, with equipment like blood pressure cuffs.
Other work includes donating to the National Organization for Women and helping support “Leftover Cuisine,” which takes extra restaurant meals directly to food banks. She was able to connect a friend who works with auto dealers to help supply the cars and drivers as a win-win to keep the dealerships’ teams employed while delivering much-needed food to the food banks.
In addition, Elting is active with her alma maters, including Trinity College where she attended undergraduate school and the NYU Business School. Her foundation gives four annual MBA scholarships for high-performing women, along with investing in two entrepreneurs a year.
As she considers areas where she can make a difference, Elting prioritizes research to make sure the money is going to the right causes and confirm exactly where the funds are going. So, for example, when she makes a cash donation to the food bank, she wants to make sure that every dollar goes to food. With the AHA, she made sure the donation directly funds the blood pressure station drive rather than being directed to a more general fund, and at NYU, she directly gives to the scholarships.
“It’s important to clarify where your money is going, which makes it more rewarding and fulfilling,” Elting notes.
In her spare time, Elting loves to read and is a self-described “news junkie.” With two teen sons, she loves to indulge in outdoorsy hobbies, like skiing and the beach, and looks forward to resuming travel when the time is right.
Becoming Conscious of Microaggressions
Career Advice, NewsSystemic racism is exemplified in cumulative and insidious ways in our everyday interactions, and we often do not even see it.
Noam Shpancer Ph.D. speaks to the importance of identifying the “true character of American racism,” in Psychology Today, as “a systemic feature of our social architecture, interwoven into the collective fabric by way of myriad traditions, legacies, laws, myths, institutions, and habits.”
This means identifying that an “overtly oppressive ideology” is embedded in our culture and within each of us. We are complicit in racism because it is insidious to the culture that formed and influences our self-concept and worldview.
Implicit Bias and Internalized Racism
Shpancer describes that racism has gone from being habituated (no longer registering what we are used to), to internalized (integrated into self-concept, including the oppressed taking on the oppressor’s sense of values), to becoming learned helplessness (the repeated frustration that neutralizes sense of agency), to falling into confirmation bias (selectively perceiving affirmation of what we already believe to be true, and dismissing what disproves it).
“Once it’s been habituated to, internalized, and allowed to shape our habits and perceptions, the oppressive ideology has in effect coopted us into perpetuating it,” writes Shpancer.
Microaggressions Are “Death By A Thousand Cuts”
In 2007, social scientist researchers called microaggressions “the new face of racism.” They position the dominant culture as the norm and perpetuate disapproval, discomfort and aberrance of marginalized groups.
Derald Wing Sue, professor of psychology at Columbia University and author of the book Microaggressions in Everyday Life, states in Fast Company, “Racial microaggressions are the brief and everyday slights, insults, indignities, and denigrating messages sent to people of color.”
Though often unintentional, microaggressions have “the impact of highlighting a person’s ‘difference’ from the majority represented group.” They are especially toxic because they appear neutral or positive to the speaker themselves, while reinforcing thinly veiled stereotypes and associations held by culture and that person.
For example, commenting that an African-American woman is “articulate” reflects that you did not expect her to be. Saying “your name is hard to pronounce” standardizes white names. Claiming to “not see color” is a microinvalidation of systemic racism that makes life more difficult because an individual is black, and discounts implicit bias. Other examples of microaggressions include telling an Asian-American woman she speaks English well, assuming two people need to meet just because they are LGBTQ+ or yet another manterruption while making a point in a meeting.
“It feels like death by a thousand cuts,” says HR expert, Avery Francis, who created a 10-slide presentation on microaggressions often experienced by black women that went viral. “[Microaggressions] really chip away at your self worth, and it’s harder because the instances seem so small.”
“Because of their somewhat ambiguous nature, microaggressions come with an added layer of emotions,” says psychologist Dr Samantha Rennalls, “They can be confusing, sometimes leaving the recipient with a sense of uncertainty about why they are feeling hurt or offended.”
Renalls shares that, “Long-term exposure to microaggressions has been associated with symptoms of depression and anxiety, possibly due to the impact that they have on self-esteem and/or the way in which one may feel powerless to challenge them.”
“In our research, we find that the impact of microaggressions are cumulative, causing major psychological harm,” Sue said.
Making Microaggression Visible
Confronting microaggressions is difficult because of how subtle and innocuous they can appear, because the microaggressor will often feel innocent in intention and because the recipient herself can have an unclear feeling about the interaction.
“…it is important to understand that a lot of times people who engage in microaggressions will not believe that what they said was racist or sexist or homophobic,” says to psychology professor Kevin Nadal, “…and we’re all human beings who might commit microaggressions.”
The conversation must be navigated from a growth mindset for the possibility of awareness of bias and its impact to be made conscious. One suggestion Nadal makes is to ask, “What do you mean by that?” Another suggestion is to ask, “Where do you think that was coming from?”
This can provide a moment for the microaggressor to stop and consider their words. This can even lead to them realizing they are unintentionally perpetuating racism.
According to Sue as written in CNN, a “microintervention” must consider the two levels of a microaggression: “One is the conscious communication of the initiator, which was likely intended to be a surface-level compliment. Then there’s the unconscious metacommunication, which is the message the microaggression sends.”
Sue suggests three ‘artful’ strategies for confronting microaggression, as an ally:
If you’re the recipient of microaggression, power dynamics might make this dangerous or emotionally-depleting. One option is to enlist an ally of equal position to the perpetrator to confront the behavior.
If you’re confronted for your own microaggression, it’s important to be open to listen to the pain expressed and learn from this moment with a growth mindset.
The more we can navigate with empathy and compassion, the more we can consciously alter the power dynamics that have perpetuated systemic racism.
Aimee Hansen is a freelance writer, frequent contributor to theglasshammer and Creator and Facilitator of Storyteller Within Retreats, Lonely Planet-recommended women’s circle retreats focused on self-exploration and connecting with your inner truth and sacred expression through writing, yoga, meditation, movement and ceremonies.
Lale Topcuoglu, Senior Fund Manager & Head of Credit, J O Hambro Capital Management
Voices of ExperienceBut as she has built her career, she has realized that sometimes you find validation in the unlikeliest of places.
Making Her Voice Heard
Topcuoglu joined Goldman Sachs directly after college and stayed for 17 years, at which point she decided to take a few years off and “became COO of my household,” as she describes it. When she was ready to go back to work, she said it was a serendipitous event that brought her to her current firm, which she joined in September 2017. Right now she is focused on building a business from the ground up, which is challenging in such a competitive field, but rewarding for the sense of achievement.
One of the most positive aspects of her work has come from a partnership she has with Bloomberg, as part of its “New Voices” program. She was invited to audition to help bolster the number of women represented in Bloomberg News, a lack caused by many women’s inadequate media training or belief that they weren’t adequately prepared to participate in news media. Bloomberg encouraged her, offering enhanced media training, and she applied and was accepted November 2018. The credibility she has earned though her media exposure has been life-changing, she says.
“This exposure, on TV, radio and print meant that suddenly I was validated for who I am,” Topcuoglu says, noting that she wears her pride pin on live Bloomberg TV as “a silent but powerful statement of who I am.” She also mentions the role that her current firm has taken in this success. “Its entrepreneurial spirit was the driving force in ‘getting me out there,’ rather than having the decision on whether or not to participate in media events become wrapped up in politics as often happens in larger firms.”
She is proud of her tenure at Goldman and becoming a managing director in just 10 years, which was another important validation milestone for her. However, she reiterates that one of her most cherished professional achievements to date has been Bloomberg’s decision to make her one of the market voices, which has also led to commercial opportunities for her current firm.
“The power of media has been immense, as I’ve come to realize the visibility you gain being on TV: You’re more recognized, and people want to listen to you more. The credibility it has offered has been fascinating and rewarding, personally and professionally. I would now like to use that privilege to pay it forward.”
Bringing Others Along
A self-described “Steady Eddie,” Topcuoglu says she wishes someone had told her earlier in her career it was OK to change jobs to get more nuanced opportunities. In addition she wishes she had known the importance of networking earlier on. “When you join a top-tier firm, it’s easy to assume you’ve made it and you’re done looking for a job, and it can be easy to lessen your focus on networking,” she says. “But then life happens, and you might end up in a situation where you realize you want to switch jobs or end up losing your job and up not working for another reason, and it’s not like a flip of a switch to suddenly start networking. It makes you look inauthentic if you just reach out suddenly,” she notes.
Topcuoglu advises younger women to focus on setting goals and continuing to learn. And she says it’s vital to be aware of your sponsors and mentors and assess potential candidates if you don’t believe you are being sufficiently supported. She had excellent mentors during her time at Goldman, she says, noting that none were men, which she found interesting given that they usually hold the most senior roles.
Now she is eager to pass on what she knows as a mentor to others. “If I can be instrumental in getting one extra person on the show or otherwise help them along, that’s critical to me. Each senior leader who pulls along one female can make a significant difference.”
As co-head of the LGBQT+ employee resource group for EMEA during her tenure at Goldman, Topcuoglu focused on mentoring and helping bring attention to their historical underrepresentation. At her current firm, J O Hambro, she is part of the newly established Diversity Council. “When you are presented with statistics, it looks a lot more real,” she says. “We always wanted to determine how to attract more of the community to financial services, and the only way to do so is to have more role models across all lines of the firm. I am very excited to be part of the Diversity Council to tackle some of the challenges and help pushing initiatives forward.”
She says that being aware of the issues related to diversity can be important for anyone’s career. “We are frequently on the road, meeting institutional and retail clients. It’s important to be able to connect to your client base that is as colorful as the rainbow.”
As the mom to two kids, ages 4 and 11, Topcuoglu stays busy just managing day-to-day life and a full career. “Family is a full-time no-pay job, which I certainly learned when I took time off between jobs.”
by Cathie Ericson
The Value of Being Out as a Leader
Career AdviceWith Monday’s ruling, this moment could offer a new permission slip for coming out at work for many.
In a victory landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled that existing U.S. Federal Law (Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964) protects LGTBQ workers from discrimination.
The statutory interpretation declared that the current prohibition of “sex” discrimination is inclusive of sexual orientation and gender identity.
Yet, for nearly half of us in the USA, being in the closet at work is a painful reality.
According to 2018 research by the HRC, 46% of LGBTQ+ workers in the U.S. remain closeted at work, only 4% less than the 50% figure ten years earlier.
Major factors for staying in the closet are fear of being stereotyped, fear of making others uncomfortable, fear of losing connections and fear of having attraction to others projected onto them just for being LGBTQ+.
Over 60% of all employees agree that spouses, relationship or dating conversations come up casually at least once a week, which can mean a lot of emotional energy on covering up. Yet, 50% of LGBTQ+ say that they know no openly out employees at their workplace. 28% admit that they lie during these conversations.
Fear of being unaccepted contributes to social avoidance at work (25%), feelings of unhappiness or depression (31%), distraction (25%) and emotional exhaustion (17%), among other negative impacts.
Not only does coming out require a sense of receptivity and support in the workplace, but also bravery, vulnerability and discernment.
It is only an individual choice, but it’s one that has positively surprised some major leaders who took the step.
Top executives speak to coming out of the closet
Top executives who are out offer personal insight on their coming out journey in Bloomberg, many reflecting retrospectively that the cost of not bringing their whole selves to work was too much… and they paid it for too long, perhaps unnecessarily.
Across stories, they express that while everyone’s experience is different, they wish they had known how much acceptance would show up for them once they decided to show up for themselves as LGBTQ+, unapologetically.
“I wish I had known earlier how well I would be accepted by my colleagues at Dow. I would have come out earlier, and my decision would have been far easier. I feared a lot of negativity that never came to fruition,” says Jim Fitterling, CEO of Dow, Inc, who came out only when already senior in the organization. “I would never tell anyone to come out when they don’t feel comfortable, but I know from experience there is a toll you pay when you try to hide part of yourself, and that the perceived pain of coming out is often worse than the reality.”
“I would say be yourself; bring your whole self to work. Please don’t go back into the closet—because you will be the one who fundamentally suffers for it,” says Inga Beale, ex-CEO of Lloyds of London. “And if you’re out at work, you and your business will benefit…I definitely, definitely regret not coming out earlier.”
Owning your LGBTQ+ belonging as an asset to the workplace
“I personally feel an enormous sense of responsibility to take that empathy and the fight I got from growing up different from the majority of the population in the world and draw on that to make sure that every space I’m in,” says Kim Culmone, Senior vice president, Mattel Inc in Bloomberg. “ I’m bringing the voice of perhaps the marginalized or forgotten community into that room of influence and power.”
Dr. Steve Yacovelli, author of Pride Leadership: Strategies for the LGBTQ+ Leader to be the King or Queen of their Jungle, identifies six traits that out LGBTQ+ leaders can leverage to magnify effectiveness as leaders, not only amidst your reports but overall in your greater leadership influence.
These include: being authentic, leading with courage, having empathy, effective communication, building relationships and influencing organizational culture – all of which are competencies that LGBTQ+ leaders more often have in spades.
“You see the concept of authenticity in generic leadership everywhere,” says Dr. Yacovelli, in OutFront Magazine, “and if I look at folks in our community living authentically as themselves, we’re already exercising that muscle just naturally by being who we are.”
Yacovelli notes,“…I’m seeing more folks saying leadership isn’t just your direct report or organizational structure, it’s about who you influence.”
LGBTQ+ leadership is good for business
The benefit to business of having LGBTQ+ in leadership is no secret.
Research across data for 132 countries has demonstrated that more human rights protection for LGBTQ+ people is good for economic development. Despite this, 70 UN member states still criminalize being gay, let alone being transgender or gender non-binary.
Coming out is foremost a personal decision, and one to be made by each of us.
But it’s also a true leadership choice that has the potential to expand beyond your personal experience to create a ripple rainbow effect within any organization and all who you interact with.
OP-ED: Be an LGBTQ Ally to Help Your Daughter or Son Come Out
PeopleHave you ever worried about a child?
Wondering what’s on their mind and whether they are doing OK? And how things are going with school and socially for them? Any parent, as well as grandparents, aunts, and uncles, would most likely answer “yes,” especially as a child becomes a young adult.
My husband and I certainly don’t have this whole parenting thing figured out. What we have stressed with our 10-year-old son and almost-15-year-old daughter is the importance of two-way communication. And we’ve been intentional in saying repeatedly, “We love you. There’s nothing you can tell us that will ever change that.”
Giving Our Daughter a Safe Outlet for Her Feelings
During our daughter Grace’s eighth-grade year, we started to pick up on small things that made us wonder if she was gay. We knew it wasn’t our place to ask; we needed to wait until she was ready and comfortable to tell us that she was LGBTQ, and to see if that was even the case.
We had just decided to connect her with a therapist so she would have a confidential outlet to share her feelings and thoughts with a neutral third party. This point of connection was about navigating life as a teen, entering high school, and dealing with new social situations. As I remember from my own teen years, it’s a tough transition!
Grace’s Coming-Out Story
I’ll never forget the day. I was at work when I received a text message from my daughter asking if she could talk to us later. We hit a “parenting stroke of luck.” This was a moment of parent PRIDE here as this was a signal we were doing something right!
That evening, we pulled up with her privately in her room and asked what she wanted to talk about. She struggled to say anything and kept trying to get her words out, but they wouldn’t come. We could tell this wasn’t easy for her, but we continued to encourage her to share. She finally asked if she could write it down.
She proceeded to write on a scrap of paper: “I AM GAY.” Instantly, we could see her relief in sharing this news. We immediately got up and hugged her long and hard. We talked about how much we loved her and how thrilled we were that she decided to tell us, and we asked if she needed us to do anything to support her.
Right away, she shared her one request. She asked if our entire family could march in the 2019 San Francisco Pride Parade. Already involved in PFLAG (an organization for family, friends, and allies of LGBTQ people), I made a call to get our family added to the parade roster.
Celebrating Pride as a Family
Our family of four, plus our daughter’s best friend, met up with PFLAG in San Francisco for the big day. Grace wore a Pride flag proudly as a cape, and the rest of us adorned ourselves with Pride gear ranging from flags to beads to hats.
When we arrived, we were greeted by amazing floats, crowds galore, and a very positive vibe. It was inspiring to be surrounded by the strength and beauty of so many.
As the parade started, our daughter, unplanned, decided to carry the PFLAG banner in the front of our group, along with a few other girls around the same age. Our son donned a massive head-to-toe sign across the front of his body that read: “I am a brother.” Moving forward, the emotion overtook me as the crowds cheered and clapped, leaving me teary-eyed and so appreciative of the LGBTQ community’s acceptance of its newest member.
I left that day incredibly full of PRIDE. I was grateful that my daughter trusted us to share her true self and that, as a family, we were able to experience this amazing moment together. I thank all those who came before her for your hard work. The next generation is loud and proud and will continue to carry that work forward, alongside with their families and friends.
Sharing my own experience
Believe it or not, I attribute much of our parenting success to my job. At Wells Fargo, I am grateful to be a part of the Family Dynamics team. We focus on helping families flourish beyond their finances — we help them build communication and trust, prepare future generations, and create shared family purpose.
In my role, I often engage with families having communication challenges. I’m not sure these families realize it, but when I help them, they help me. I strongly believe that we all learn from one another and that everyone has important perspectives to share. I’m proud to be able to give back by sharing my own personal experiences.
To My Daughter and to the LGBTQ Community:
I am a mother. I am a friend. I am your ally. I will always be there for you. You are loved.
You Know What You Want, But What Are You Committing To?
Career AdviceWhat desire or longing do you have?
Is there something you want to be, or do, or feel or have?
Is there something within that seeks to be expressed or experienced, or that calls for a change?
Okay, but what are you committing to?
You may know what you want, but are you affirming your desire and moving towards it?
Often, we habitually commit to undermining our desires.
Until we bring this harsh truth into awareness, we might be working against ourselves. If you have a desire that you are not nurturing, asking yourself this question:
Instead of your desire, what are you actually committing to?
Ask in a day-in, day-out kind of way. Ask when it comes to your habits, actions, thoughts and beliefs.
Often, we are not aware or radically self-honest about what we are actually committing to instead of our true desires.
We think of committing to something as being intentional and deliberate investment towards a goal or agreement. But intention is not necessary. In practice, repetitive habit alone creates commitment.
On a daily basis, we might “commit” to bottling up anger, people-pleasing, holding back our “no”, scrolling on our phone, over-working and perpetuating 24/7 availability.
Notice how the language “commit” usually refers to a mistake or a crime, whereas commitment refers to a focused dedication.
Take this example of how habit becomes commitment: activate screen time monitoring on your smartphone. How many hours a week are you committing to social media?
Without even realizing it, we do “commit” away from our desires much of the time. If you are dissatisfied in a persistent situation, you can step back and ask yourself what you have been committing to.
This question will often reveal some accountability at play, even if it’s as simple as continued acquiescence to and participation in a situation or circumstance you are not aligned with.
We often commit to a repetition of thoughts and actions that are tethered to our conditioning or our comfort zone or our fear.
What is happening now?
Check in by asking what is actually happening now. Often, you are more committed to what is happening than what you say you desire.
Here are three examples:
Desire: to write a book
Reality: not writing it
Committing to: working overtime, spending time with your kids, scrolling on Facebook, Netflix before bed, going to the gym, reiterating beliefs about not being qualified, etc
Desire: to be promoted
Reality: stagnant in your position
Committing to: doing office housework, focusing only on skills that you feel comfortable and competent in, being productive rather than demonstrating leadership and delegation, waiting for recognition rather than active self-promoting, etc
Desire: a loving, supportive relationship
Reality: a confusing, uncommitted relationship
Committing to: chasing unavailable people, subjugating your own needs, sticking with what doesn’t work, rationalizing someone else’s behavior, fantasizing what could be rather than seeing reality, etc
As you can see, what you are committed to is not always a negative thing. However, sometimes it is self-sabotaging or shows a lack of faith that you could have what you want.
What can you do?
Seeing what you are currently committing helps to reveal how you actually feel and what the braver action might be.
Perhaps it’s not the time to write that book based on what you value right now, so you can stop beating yourself over the head with “should”.
Perhaps you have not realized that you are hiding in your comfort zone,and you realize it’s time to start playing at the level you wish to reach.
Perhaps commitment to what you want you requires walking away from what is not good enough, with faith what you want will come.
In each case, it’s enlightening to see what you are actually committing to and whether that aligns with your true desires for yourself.
What are you believing?
Also, consider whether your mind and heart are in coherence with your desire. There’s a reason why we commit to what we’re actually doing now, even if unconscious.
Our current behavior may match our sense of self-worth, or self-love or our conditioning around what is possible for us or what is normal. It may be rewarding at the egoic fear-based level.
We often want something and also hold limiting beliefs about why it is not desirable or possible, for us. We might hold beliefs that would make the realization itself hollow.
You want to write a book. But your idea about who a published author is doesn’t match your own sense of yourself.
You want a promotion. But you are also terrified the new role would just mean more anxiety.
You want a supportive, loving relationship. But you fear that relationship means compromise and you are too much for anyone.
Despite knowing what we want, some parts of our internal selves might run contradictory to realizing it, or even letting ourselves fully want it.
As Anne Lamott writes, “If you’re not enough before the gold medal, you won’t be enough with it.”
By asking yourself what you long for, observing what you are actually committed to (instead), and investigating the beliefs underpinning what you are habitually doing, you can gift yourself a wake up call.
And then, you can choose to re-orient your energies towards alignment with what you really want.