Say It Like You Mean It: How to Communicate Effectively at Work

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Women SpeakingGuest contributed by Desiree Simons

You’ve worked hard to get where you are. You’ve earned your success because you’re not afraid of hard work. However, sometimes communicating with your male colleagues can seem like trying to put a puzzle together without all the pieces. The good news? There are skills you can learn that will help.

Most experts agree that women and men communicate differently but are quick to point out that one style is not better than the other. Diverse gender skill sets contribute to a better workplace, but adaptability, and knowing when to use a different approach can be a game changer for everybody.

Get to the Point

Women tell more backstory and narrative before getting to the point. Sometimes retelling how you got from point A to point B is not needed. Backstory is redundant if colleagues are familiar with the project.

Women also hedge and use qualifiers when speaking. For example, “Do you think, what if we, have you considered?” We are raised to be polite, but if something is not a question, don’t’ make it sound like a question. Instead of saying, “Would you mind, or Could you…” Instead say, “I’ll need that by… or Let’s plan for…” Men are used to speaking more directly. “We must….”, It’s important to understand…, and I’ll go over the final section…”

Beth Levine, SmartMouth Communications consultant and author of Jock Talk: 5 Communication Principles for Leaders as Exemplified by Legends of the Sports World, calls this “diminishing language,” and believes it causes peers (both male and female) to see women as less confident. Know your main idea and state it quickly to your listener. Some experts suggest creating bullet points in your mind before you go into a meeting. Stay clear of “tag language,” such as, “Isn’t it? Don’t you think? or Don’t you agree?” at the end of your statements. Levine also says women use the phrase, “I feel” too much at work. For example, “I don’t feel right about the proposed expansion.” Men typically say, “I think the proposed expansion will cause the following problems.” Say what you think, not what you feel.

Stand Your Ground

According to Danielle Lindner, adjunct professor of the Psychology of Women courses at Stetson University, “Women are socialized to be harmonizers and peacemakers.” They sometimes compromise rather than standing firm during a potential conflict situation. Standing your ground may result in not being liked by some co-workers, but Linda Henman, Ph.D., author of Challenge the Ordinary and Landing in the Executive Chair says, sometimes you have to forget about being liked. “Results, not harmony is the goal.”

Speak up in meetings, even if you risk being wrong. If people behave badly towards you, don’t assume it’s because you’re a woman. Don’t take a disagreement personally. Put it behind you and look for the next opportunity to showcase your skills.

Play to Your Strengths

Patricia Rossman, Chief Diversity Officer of BASF, a 100-year-old global chemical company acknowledges different gender communication styles but stresses the need for diversity and believes woman bring a unique and valuable skill set to the workplace.
Women tend to have a collaborative rather than a competitive approach to problem solving, as well as a kind of “emotional intelligence.” Rossman defines this as “looking for the deeper impact,” of interactions, decisions, and discussions. Others refer to it as a relational approach. Whatever you want to call it, women tend to be good at looking at the bigger picture.

Women also use and interpret nonverbal communication more than men. Noticing things like eye contact, body language, facial expressions… allow women to pick up vital clues.

The bottom line is simple. Be yourself but remember the most effective communicators know a variety of strategies and choose the best one for a given situation. If you do this, you’ll always say what you mean and mean what you say.

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Vacation Days: How to Negotiate for More PTO

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Vacation Days

Image via Shutterstock

As a smart, powerful woman, you’re used to negotiating. You’ve made your case for a higher salary equal to your peers, and gotten it. You’ve held your own against both male and female colleagues on projects, and won respect because of your fair, level-headed approach. All these reasons, and more, are why you’re on your way up the ladder.

But what about negotiating for other benefits, like vacation days? Assuming that benefits like paid time off are set in stone when you join a new company or are in a bargaining position during your yearly review is just that — an assumption.

You tend to forget about time off as a bargaining chip, but it’s a valuable asset to negotiate for. Next time the opportunity arises, think about how you can position yourself for more vacation time.

The Importance of Vacation

It’s no secret that America is way behind the rest of the world in vacation time when it comes to guaranteed, nation-wide benefits.

Although some firms have great benefits, legally, you aren’t entitled to any vacation days. Compare that to Brazil, where they’re entitled to 30 vacation days a year.

Work burnout is serious and can cause a lot of issues that can be detrimental to your health. Additionally, studies show that burnout subjects have issues managing their emotions, which could make them more vulnerable to depression. You don’t need something like that getting you down after how hard you’ve worked to make it this far.

In the long run, more paid time off could be even more valuable than a pay raise. Here’s how to get more than those guaranteed 10 days of vacation:

1. Negotiate Right Away

If you’re just starting a job, try to negotiate during the interview process. You can tell if the company really wants you and your skill set is in high demand. Use that as a bargaining chip. The more the company wants you, the more likely they’re going to give you that extra vacation —perhaps even more than you were expecting.

2. Know What You Want

Know the number you’re looking for before you go into the meeting. If you’re negotiating for more PTO instead of some sort of raise, figure out how much vacation time would equal the raise you would be getting. If you know what you want, you know you won’t stop until you get it.

3. Do Your Research

Here’s where your networking skills come in. Find out what other people in your industry have done to successfully negotiate – whether it’s a business deal or a PTO negotiation. See what other requests have been granted or denied to employees in your company. How much were they getting on average? This helps you come up with a number and also gives you insider info on how to get what you want.

It also helps to know the boss you’ll be asking for it from. If you have some trusted colleagues, start asking through the grapevine and see if there’s any timing in particular that works best or if there are certain ways to propose it. Knowing more about the boss lets you mold your presentation to be as attractive as possible.

4. Propose the Benefits of Vacation Time

In addition to the various health benefits it offers, vacation can improve your productivity. A study found that for each additional 10 hours of vacation an employee took, their performance ratings improved eight percent. If you show what a good refueling session can really do for your productivity, it’ll give incentive for both you and other employees to get the amount of vacation they need — and for your boss to grant it.

5. Make a Plan

How can your boss say no when you adequately demonstrate that no work will be left undone in your absence? Explain how you plan to work ahead and cover your work. You can even suggest a cross training program.

Cross training makes it easier for people to take vacations because other people are trained on how to do their job. Basically, as a powerful, smart woman, you get your work done before you leave, and anything that pops up while you’re gone will be covered by people you’ve trained to kick butt in your absence.

With jobs covered at any time, it’s easier for you — and other employees — to take the vacations you want. That’s just one of the benefits.

Tell them how it could lead to higher efficiency and productivity, as well as letting employees learn new skills and possibly discovering new talents in their job capabilities. Research stats to back up the benefits of cross training and create a whole presentation so it’s not just about your vacation time. Implementing this program could be beneficial to your career as well.

6. Be Prepared for a “No”

There’s a good chance your boss has a reason to say no, so don’t let it catch you off guard. You know how to prepare for this, so make sure you keep your cool when it happens. Ask if there are any circumstances that would allow more PTO to happen. Try and work together to find some sort of compromise, if there’s one to be made. Find a way to make it happen.

Show that you can get all of your work done before your vacation would even happen. You’re a powerful woman that can get everything done before you leave. If something were to come up while you’re gone, direct the boss towards the couple people you’ve trained to kick butt in your absence. Prepare ahead and make it hard for them to say no.

Time is something you can never get back. While the hassle of negotiations is never fun, this is something you want to take charge and make sure you get it.

By Sarah Landrum

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Dealing with a Narcissist at work

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By Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Psychologist

No matter what the job entails task-wise (competence assumed), it is the politics and the inter-personal dynamics that will make or break you.

Image via Shutterstock - Office Politics

Image via Shutterstock

Personality, we all have one, but some people definitely make the workday easier or tougher due to their personality quirks.

The Fall 2016 edition of the HBR’s On Point magazine explores working with different types of people at work including stars who are narcissistic and detrimental to team performance, morale and culture. I think timing is everything and it is no coincidence that this season’s issue on this topic coincides with an election in the US as the articles included span 15 years of research. Other articles include a coaching the alpha male, toxic employees and sabotaging colleagues.

Teams with members who have a narcissistic personality in them often suffer the most individually and as a group, as the person in question often has no clue that the impact of their actions is hard on others.

Even if their have the best of intentions for themselves and if they think they are being benevolent, it is literally impossible for them to think out long term consequences due to the need to look good in the moment. Remind you of anyone?

These folks are often star performers, often male (although not limited to males) and therefore get away with bad behaviors due to their “numbers” or other specific skills. The trouble manifests when they are allowed to run meetings, chastise support staff and generally get an ounce of power or responsibility that they interpret as power to be use and abused.

How many times have you seen this person interrupt others or shut down team brainstorming ideas? How many staff members has he or she upset?

So, how do you deal with someone who is demeaning, demotivating and discrediting the work of others and causing a cultural issue by making bad behavior acceptable?
If you are the boss, manager or leader then you have an opportunity to ensure that the team structure focuses experts on their narrow role such as keeping narcissistic sales people selling. Role and task definition makes it easier for all people to know what they need to do and also need not to do. Conversations around behavior change absent of structural change are often wasted on this person and coaching is not impossible but not easy.

If you are not the boss, then work for companies that just do not tolerate bad behavior (rare, I know) or keeps these folks contained so that they are self-contained and do not become toxic employees or even worst, they become leaders.

If the boss is a narcissist then you may have an inspiring personality at the helm with vision or an espoused vision and often have loyal followers. These leaders expect adulation and empathy and wont return the favor. As the article by Michael Maccoby exploring the pros and cons of narcissistic leaders in the HBR roundup by states, “ Narcissists have a vision –but that is not enough. People in mental hospitals have visions.”

My opinion on the matter is that life is short, get a different job with a mentally stable boss and given the choice don’t make them leaders of your team, company or country.

If you are interested in hiring an Executive Coach to help you navigate your career then please email Nicki@theglasshammer.com to discuss further

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Do you really need an Executive Coach?

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Do you really need an Executive Coach?

Image via Shutterstock

Are you getting the right amount of feedback? Do you have a career navigation plan? Do you know your levels of emotional intelligence? Do your values and how you want to live your life match up with your job demands? Are you stuck in the same old job? If you answer any of these questions with a no, then you should consider a coach.

There are many types of coaches and fit is everything so make sure you have an exploratory chat first. I would also say that there is a wide range of competency out there and many people just become coaches as they think they have “been there”, so perhaps review robustly what credentials and experience your potential coach has.

I used to be really cynical about Executive coaches until five years ago. I thought coaching was for “issue” employees or for resolving personality clashes between high performers and bosses. What I have come to realize ( and have become a coach myself with increased commitment to the highest levels of practice, learning and certification) is that coaching is life changing for many reasons and in my opinion the fastest way to empower women and all people on their professional advancement journey. Simply put, the right coach can do the following- help you understand yourself better ( personality) and what you want and then can help you understand all of this in the context of helping you to understand your behaviors. Does what you say you want, match what you are actually doing?

Organizational Psychology has taught me that those very behaviors that make or break any of us are interestingly caused in part by the environment we work in. The team and company “norms” and culture have a bigger role to play than perhaps any of us gives credit for. Understanding how to spot implicit norms with your coach and naming your triggers to some of your habits on a tough day at work is life enhancing.

Believe me, it is not just about the Myers Briggs or any other tool that tells you about yourself. You have to look at the big picture and the personalities in the game. Who gets to be in charge, who gets rewarded and what gets rewarded at your workplace? What gets tolerated? How do we do work around here?

So, if you are looking to go further and be happier, then consider an executive coach. It is hard to recognize you need one until you have one. I was the same way and I had an executive coach very early in my career and I still did not believe in the power of them – why? I had the wrong coach and the reasons that the company gave me the coach was conflict resolution based without involving the person who was in the conflict. Any good piece of psychology reading with tell you, or as your grandma would say, “ It takes two to tango” so no wonder coaching has a mixed reputation out there in the world.

For me, having a coach, helps me refine my thoughts and speak out loud about the realities of my strategies, and the truths about my hopes and dreams. For others, I provide an academic approach to sort out the next steps in their professional life and help with linear progression if that is what they want and if they don’t then we figure that out too. Good coaching keep you honest. Try it, and like everything in life, if you don’t find it useful then that is ok too!

If you are interested in hiring an executive coach then please email nicki@theglasshammer.com and she will be happy to discuss your needs further.

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Leadership: How to be authentic at work and why sincerity can hinder that

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thought-leadershipBy Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Pyschologist

The trouble with “authenticity” in the workplace is that there are many definitions of what being authentic is and in reality we are often defined by the role we play. There are two types of roles and the first and most tangible is the task role we have at work, literally the duties we have to deploy to get paid. The second type of role is deeper and more or less mandated formally. It is the psychological role we are given or that we take up willingly due to gender stereotypes. Look around your office, who buys the birthday cards? (the person who plays the office “mom” or “wife” usually is a woman and often works in HR). Who gets given the important tasks etc? I have written many times about the fact that by default and in aggregate men are given the mantle of being viewed leader-like (these are men as a concept not actual individual men that we know,I may add). If there are 8 major traits to being a leader such as competence and productivity, then why do we assume that straight white men just automatically have them?

Since this post is part two of me telling you to read Herminia Ibarra’s book “ Act Like A Leader, Think Like a Leader”, let us look at how you can show up authentically but strike the right balance of being authoritative when needed with the right amount of gravitas whilst still being seen as human.

So, How do you show up as when you are supposedly just being you? Stanford psychologist, Hazel Markus showed that people’s identities are based just as much on future possibilities as they are on formative past and present states. Why does sincerity matter? And when is too much sincerity a bad thing? When you can not possibly do everything you say you will and still be productive or when you have to disclose every detail of the business plan leaving no room for executive flexibility and reducing our credibility in the process.

I have taught courses on being authentic as it pertains to being in alignment with your values and purpose. This too is something that Herminia Ibarra comments is open to then providing a free range of behaviors that allows for flexibility and adaptability. This is optimal as it allows us to have emotional intelligence (EQ), to be chameleon like when we need to but without losing ourselves.

Sounds good, right? Without this ‘reading the room’ piece all of us are totally at the mercy of our personalities which are fairly fixed and intrinsic. I am a believer in Lewin’s theory- that our behaviors are a product of the perfect storm of our personality and our environment that we operated in. So, on those bad ‘back against the wall’ days at work, we have to be able to modulate our reactions and the most eccentric, confrontational and bold amongst us will suffer in most teams far more than the passive aggressive folks as that sadly is totally normal in many corporate cultures today.

When I was at Columbia university studying the topic of leadership, the faculty repeated time and time again that it is really important if you are a leader to have followers and without them you are just a person who has your name on the corner office. Even if you are not yet at the corner office the same rings true. So, “Fake it til you make it” as the popular saying goes, but “make sure you make it” is the part I feel needs to be added.

You can do it!!

If you are interested in hiring an executive coach to help you navigate your career then please contact nicki@theglasshammer.com who will be happy to discuss things further

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Leadership – How to develop yourself to be the leader you need and want to be | Part one

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female leaderBy Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Pyschologist

One of my favorite books on leadership and women at work generally is called “Act Like A Leader, Think Like a Leader” written by one of my most admired academics, Herminia Ibarra from INSEAD. Why I like her book so much is that it is practical yet deeply rooted in a subject her and I both have passion for. What is that? Organizational learning and leadership development work.

In fact, one of her sub chapters in the book on how to be a great leader is called,”Steal Like An Artist”. She states that nothing is original and we have to stand on the shoulders of giants to keep evolved concepts and ideas. True to that, the book itself encompasses many of the best theories from other top academics so you get to read it all on one place as well as read Herminia’s insights which I think are top notch. So since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I am going to endorse and share with you over the next two weeks in this column what Ms. Ibarra has to say on being more of a leader, being authentic as a leader and finally ensuring you want to be one.

Let’s start with looking at a self-assessment from her book – do you want to step up? Are you in a career building period? Or a career maintenance or a even a career transitioning period? Note: people come to me to be coached in any of these three stages.

Answer the questions with a yes or a no.

Have you been in the same job or career path for at least seven years?
Do you find yourself restless professionally?
Do you find your job more draining than energizing?
Do you resent not having more time for outside interests or family?
Do you have a changing family configuration that will allow you to explore other options?
Are you admiring folks around you who are making big changes?
Has your work lost some meaning for you?
Do you find that your career ambitions are changing?
Recent events have left me appraising what I really want?
Do you find your enthusiam has waned for your work projects?

If you answered yes to 6-10 statements then you could already be deeply in a career-transitioning period. Make time to reflect on your goals and see if your life goals are evolving also.

If you answered yes 3-5 times then you may be entering a career-transitioning period. Work to increase insights and “outsights” which are new horizons that appear from doing new things and meeting new people.

If you got 2 or less yeses then you are more likely to be in a career-building period in your current job so you are busy working on developing within that role, team or firm.

Ultimately, people often go for bigger jobs when they feel the excitement wane, so if that’s the case, let’s see how we can help you get what you want at work!

If you are interested in hiring an executive coach to help you navigate your career the contact nicki@theglasshammer.com for a no obligation chat.

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Can You See A Promotional Path At Work? Leaving To Go Up The Ladder

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Woman-on-a-ladder-searchingBy Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Psychologist

This summer we have talked about the scenarios that tend to create catalysts for talented people to seek out career coaches to help them navigate the promotional pathway which sometimes means leaving your current team or firm.

When I am coaching, I often hear that my client does not see a clear promotional path and this can be due to many elements but it always involves politics and people.

Sometimes the lack of vision to what the next internal move is is simply due to rigid corporate structures and a perceived lack of places to be promoted into. The old adages “Dead Men’s Shoes” or “Not enough pie to go around” are often mentioned here. Sometimes that is true, but sometimes you need to realize that space will be made for the “right” people. (* the phrase right people could be a whole article in itself, but that is for another day later this summer on unconscious bias, keep reading this column.)

In other instances, what companies sometimes do not grasp is that ambition does vary person to person but having systemic grind due to bad organizational development creates a pebble in everyone’ shoes that simply de-motivates even the most focused players over time. Can this be addressed? Yes. Is it usually addressed in firms? No. Sadly, due to the slightly invisible nature of company and team culture, the average manager cannot start to solve these issues.

Sometimes wanting to leave is about an individual manager or team member, but proper organizational development work can eliminate many of the bad behaviors that can be practiced by less than desirable coworkers. Bad behaviors appear when survivalism is the culture so some of these same folks might be quite nice colleagues in a different environment. Lewin’s theory suggests that behavior is a function of personality PLUS environment, or in other words, the perfect storm can occur in any firm for hellish behaviors to become commonplace.

Either way, it really is about leaving to get a promotion and work in a better culture.

Culture is “how we do things around here” and that is why we coach here at the glasshammer as we think we have the secret weapon for our coachees- we focus on you the individual but we understand the organizational structures and cultural markers so that we can help you pick the right firm and the right opportunity as your next promotion is everything! Call us for 8 sessions (over 18 months) for an introductory price of $2500 and watch your career take off.

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Finding a New Job While Doing Your Job Well

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Is it time to change jobs, change firms or leave the industry? (F)By Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Pyschologist

Last week we identified the lack of trust as a reason to leave your current job or firm and trust is everything at work just as it is at home. And a few weeks ago, we talked about how the biggest key for individual and team performance was in fact having psychological safety at work so in many respects this ties into that topic.

There might be reasons to stay and build that trust but I hesitate to give advice over the internet in this column as each case will be different and very personalized to the players and the situation.

Instead, I am going to say it straight; if trust is lacking and cannot be built then leave. Of course, the trick is to do your job well while you are securing your next ( better) role in a different team or company.

Do not “stay and quit”.

Remember, every project you do, or skill you acquire can be talked about on your resume and in your job interviews. Use the time wisely and find a firm where trust is abundant. How do you know that? Ask questions like” What gets rewarded here?”. “What gets tolerated?” and “How does the task (insert your type of tasks that you do) get done around here?”.

Best of Luck!

If you are looking for an executive coach to help you navigate your career then please contact nicki@theglasshammer.com for a no obligation conversation

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Reverse and Peer Mentoring – How Can It Help Your Career

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mentorsBy Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Pyschologist

If you are managing a team, chances are that the team is already diverse. It may be made up of mixed age groups as well as perhaps having other social identity differences such as gender, ethnicity, nationality, LGBT status etc.

So, have you thought about breaking out of the traditional structure of looking for or being a senior person mentoring a junior person? Instead have you thought about getting a peer mentor or even a reverse mentor? A reverse mentor can be a junior level person mentoring a senior person or can be someone who is reverse to you (gay/straight for example).

The point of the interaction (at least in my opinion) is to learn things that you normally do not have access to. Experiences differ, so create a space where you can hear about them. It will make you a better leader, manager and probably person but only if you can listen without prejudice or judgement. Open your mind, heart and ears!

If you are interested in hiring an executive coach to help you navigate your career contact nicki@glasshammer2.wpengine.com to discuss further

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3 Tips On How To Manage Your Career During the Dog Days of Summer

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woman in a field at summer featuredBy Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Pyschologist

Things are finally slowing down as we head into the summer holiday season and yet this is a great time to spend time on managing your career. Here are 3 ways to enhance your skills from the office or even the beach.

Tip #1 Summer reading- pick 1-3 books that you want to read this summer that are career focused or can help you in some way. Text books can be dry, so if books are too much, pick articles (we have 5000 on glasshammer2.wpengine.com) that are research backed and you can read the research for deeper knowledge.

Tip #2 Have Lunch and coffee with your network- refresh your relationships and hear what others are up to professionally with iced coffees and a bite of lunch. Also, use this slower time at the office to secure a lunch with important sponsors and new people for your network.

Tip #3 Recharge a little yourself, so that you are ready for the fast-paced flow of work and meetings once the dog days of summer are over!

Happy Summer! And Happy Independence Day in the US!

If you are interested in hiring an executive coach to help you navigate your career please contact nicki@glasshammer2.wpengine.com to discuss further.

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