Tag Archive for: compassion

develop confident mindsetWhen it comes to developing a more confident mindset, much of the self-help industry centers on positive thinking. But the truth is, the bigger mindset leaps come not by piling on positivity, but by cutting down the noise of habitual negativity.

Less negative or pessimistic thinking is a stronger predictor of physical health than increasing optimism and has more ripple impacts on your life.

How Habitual Negative Thinking Undermines Growth

Habitual negative thinking—such as self-criticism, chronic complaining, or imagining worst-case scenarios—clutters your mind, clouds your energy, and drains your life-force. To be clear, we are not talking about the discernment of saying something is not okay, authentic anger in the face of injustice, or negative emotions that guide you to value-based action.

Rather, most habitual negative thinking, like thoughts in general, are unconscious and repetitive. The negativity-biased hard-wiring of the brain keeps you stuck in survival and victimhood. Until you cut down on negative clutter, the positive growth you try to build on top struggles to take root.

Habitual negative thinking distorts your perception of reality, robs your motivation, erodes your self-trust, and drowns out inspiration. In essence, trying to grow confidence in a mind overrun with fear is like planting flowers in a weed-filled garden.

The Impact of the Five C’s and How to Clear Your Mindset

According to change management expert and author, Price Pritchett, “If we want to increase our belief in the self, one of the things we can do is start removing pessimism and negative thinking.”

Pritchett points to five C’s which comprise the majority of negative thought loops: complaining, criticizing, concern, commiserating and catastrophizing.

Disrupt the loops by identifying and challenging them.

1) Complaining focuses on problems and shortcomings rather than solutions or positive aspects. If where attention goes, energy flows, then complaining keeps you problem-focused.

Complaining or venting can feel rewarding as it provides validation and a temporary outlet for stress. But it also shrinks the hippocampus, oils your neural pathways for negativity, and shapes what you pay attention to.

Chronic complaining feeds a victim identity where you feel powerless. It keeps you mired in problems instead of seeing possibilities. To counter the habitual negative impact of complaining, ask where your power lies.

What is in your control? Can you practice acceptance and see from another perspective? Can you become solutions-focused and action-oriented? Are you shying away from an uncomfortable conversation? What is one small change you can make to improve the situation?

  • Complaint Mindset: “I’m getting dumped on at work, and it’s not fair. Why me, again?”
  • Solution Mindset: “I am going to have a conversation with my boss about my workload and express my boundaries.” or “I am going to drop the office housework and focus on my priorities.”

2) Criticizing focuses on finding fault with yourself or others, often in a harsh or judgmental way.

Being oriented towards poking holes is an imbalance. Because when you are applying your creative energies, you usually have less space and time for criticizing. Unused creativity can give rise to resentment and criticism.

A healthy critical eye becomes a catalyst for more creativity and more possibilities. With constructive feedback, the intention is to identify how to improve, rather than tear down. Mistakes become learning, refining, and a launchpad for growth – not failures.

Whether self-critical dialogue or criticism of others, you must be willing to break through criticism and turn towards creativity again. This is what opens a space for novel thoughts and energy to come through.

Criticism Mindset: “I’m not qualified for this job. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Compassion Mindset: “Nobody who dares to leap ever knows what they are doing.” or “What if not knowing how it’s supposed to be done is my creative license to carve the path?”

3) Concern steeps you in excessive worry or anxiety about potential problems, often without a clear sense of what to do about them. Amidst a foreboding issue, you feel small and helpless. While concern seems helpful, it can fuel anxiety and feeling stuck.

Like empathy, concern is often a reflection of what you value and care about, which can guide compassionate action and catalyze change. But the concern that Pritchett calls “garden variety worry” – concern about inflation or the state of world affairs or AI in the workplace – often leaves you overwhelmed or despondent, feeling powerless.

Worrying makes it feel like you are doing something, but it removes you from the present. Rather than be with uncertainty, you ruminate to escape it and grasp for a sense of control. When you worry, you try to micro-manage the future while envisioning what you don’t want into it.

Unless you can address your concern through positive thoughts, energy, or action, then it honestly helps nobody and nothing. It feeds the energy of fear and keeps you caught in a spiral. Instead, find where you power does reside.

Perhaps bring in a perceptual reframe, such as deeper trust in the bigger picture. Or take grounded responsibility and calm, present-moment action – no matter how small.

Concern Mindset: “All of these policy changes are worrying, and I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Grounded, Present Mindset: “I am going to embody the change I wish to see in the world.” or “Day by day, I am going to contribute to the calm and inclusive environment I wish to encourage by being a welcoming and friendly presence.”

4) Commiserating, or co-rumination, is connecting with others through focusing on shared problems and suffering, which can lead to becoming entrenched in negative emotions.

While it may feel liberating, therapeutic, and bonding at first, those long gripe sessions deplete health and mental strength. When social connection hinges upon rehashing complaints, you quickly fall into reinforcing each other’s victimhood. You bring a heavy focus to what you don’t want, without freeing the energy towards what you do.

Unless you move towards making a constructive change, you’ll be swimming in an energetic pool that gets dirtier as long as everyone only kicks up the mud. Instead, you can practice compassionate listening, empathizing, and empowering.

Commiseration Mindset: “Yes, everything is awful, and it’s not fair, and nobody cares.”

Empathetic, Empowering Mindset: “Yes, this is a big change, and challenging. How can we find opportunity within it?” or “This is hard. We may need to time to take it in. Maybe we can find alternative, creative ways to support our cause?”

5) Catastrophizing involves exaggerating potential problems until they are insurmountable and become worst-case scenarios, which obviously creates stress and anxiety.

With catastrophizing, fear inverts the creative power of imagination towards envisioning disaster scenarios and how they will play out. Often, these scenarios involve your worst fears coming true. You inflate the problem to such a degree you are caught in fight-or-flight and feel powerless.

Keep catastrophizing from running wild with a probability check. Does it usually go as badly as you imagine? Has life disproved you before? Even when something did not go how you wanted, did everything end up alright or even work out for you?

Catastrophe Mindset: “I made a mistake, and I’m going to be fired, and I’ll end up on the streets, broke and alone.”

Grounded, Logical Mindset: “What is the most likely outcome of my mistake? Even if it goes wrong, can I handle it?” or “I’ve made mistakes before, and I have not been fired for them.” or “Will this matter in five years?”

The Ripple Effect of Clearing the Mental Clutter

Cutting down negative thinking doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is perfect. It means becoming aware of unhelpful thought patterns and replacing them with more constructive, balanced ones which support your growth.

Rewiring your brain away from self-sabotaging patterns requires practice and discipline. Awareness is the first step. If you can identify and shift these five loops of habitual negative thinking, you will not only feel better, but you will also liberate mental space, clear your energy, and be more effective and creative as a leader.

By Aimee Hansen

self loveWhile it’s now normalized to talk about self-care and self-worth in the discussion of our professional lives, it’s rare that we dare to talk about “self-love”.

Yet self-love is an internal orientation from which to envision and navigate our lives—be it personal or professional, and it is what fosters self-worth, self-respect and self-care.

So as we near Valentine’s Day, let’s invite self-love to join this conversation.

Is Self-Care Enough?

According to Psych Central, “self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional and physical health.”

But we often talk about self-care as a momentary respite from a hectic life in order to restore our energy, or a set practice we do before the day runs away from us.

“Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure,” writes Brianna West writes in Thought Catalog.

Self-compassion is regarding yourself compassionately. Self-care, by contrast, is treating yourself compassionately,” writes Charlie Gilkey, “…Self-care without self-compassion discharges a debt, usually with suffering somewhere else.”

Self-care spa dates alone are no proxy for cultivating a state of self-love as your foundation for experiencing yourself and the world. Without self-love, superficial self-care can be the coping mechanism or distraction from living a reality that is painfully out of alignment with your needs, desires, meaning fulfillment or growth.

Self-Love Means Self-Valuation

“Self-love means finding peace within ourselves — resting comfortably within the depths of our being. We might find temporary respite by doing something to nurture ourselves,” writes John Amadeo, Ph.D. in Psychology Today, “But a deeper inner peace requires cultivating a certain way of being with ourselves — a warm and nurturing attitude toward what we experience inside.”

Self-love is by definition an ability to meet ourselves where we are, loving and accepting of this moment of “me” right now, right here. It asks us to create expansive change from a place of love and respect, rather than shame or fear.

“Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good. It is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth,” writes Deborah Khoshaba Psy.D. “Self-love is dynamic; it grows through actions that mature us.

“When we act in ways that expand self-love in us,” Khoshaba continues, “we begin to accept much better our weaknesses as well as our strengths, have less need to explain away our short-comings, have compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centered in our life purpose and values, and expect living fulfillment through our own efforts.”

As “actions that mature us,” self-care can include listening within with radical self-honesty. It can mean making the sometimes difficult, heart-aligned, self-discerned choices and changes that create a more integrated life.

“Self-care is often a very unbeautiful thing,” West writes, pointing out that self-care often means doing the thing you least want to do — whether it’s figuring out your accounts or leaving the position or relationship or forgoing the immediacy of a compulsive habit to self-parent yourself into making the choices that nurture your growth.

“Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others,” writes Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D., President & CEO of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation. “Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.”

Increasing Heart and Mind Alignment

According to HeartMath Institute, which studies the effect of heart activity on brain function, the mind and the heart (which has its own neural network) are constantly in two-way communication.

The heart actually actually sends more signals to the brain, influencing both emotional processing and higher cognitive faculties, than the brain sends to the heart. Your brain is constantly responding to your heart.

A big part of self-love is coming into that place of acceptance and self-validation where your mind and heart are more aligned more often, and you create from this space.

When you’re out of alignment with the core pulse of your inner being, you may feel life is hard and that you’re stuck. You may feel disconnected with yourself and sense that something is generally off, no matter what you do.

You may often feel foggy and lack energy or animus or vision, like your personal meaning has drained of color. You may feel like you’re living an external reality that does not match, or no longer matches, who you feel you are inside, and your self-care is your attempt to cope.

Sometimes, you can be in a moment in life where your meaning-maker is in cyclical change: where what used to fulfill you no longer nourishes you the same and perhaps your personal evolution calls for something more.

However, when you are deeply honest with yourself, deeply accepting of yourself, and honoring and validating your needs while acting from personal alignment, you begin to feel less stress and more vitality. You do not block any emotion because emotions can provide data and feedback.

You feel a greater sense of wholeness and peace within yourself and connection to yourself, to others and to the world. You are more curious and more creative. You feel mentally and physically more solid and have greater resilience for accepting yourself even in your struggles.

Questions To Check-In With Your Heart:

– How open are you to feeling all of your emotional experience? Do you block, disallow, distract or escape from experiencing certain emotions? Can you accept yourself in both uncertainty and vulnerability? Do you practice bringing awareness to your emotions as information?

– Do you trust in yourself — and at least as much as you trust others? Do you listen to your own voice as the authority in your life? Are there areas in your life where you could gently build up more self-trust and inner accountability? Are you able to forgive yourself?

– Do you create the space to intentionally check-in with your heart? Do you slow down and get still enough to discern the signals of your own truth from the collective noise, or do you keep the wheels spinning so you can’t? What would you hear if you did?

– Do you self-validate your experience and your own needs? Are you compassionately aware of your needs and willing to take responsibility for them and clearly communicate them? Or do you invalidate, dismiss or disown them? Are you willing also to own and validate your inspirations and curiosities and desires for expression?

– Are you willing to listen to and even act upon the wisdom of your gut and heart? Or are you dismissive of internal callings or yearnings if they fall outside of your mental framework of what’s rational or realistic?

– How honest can you be with yourself? Are you attached to any concept or identity of yourself that inhibits your ability to know yourself more deeply and possibly, openly? What questions are you unwilling to ask yourself?

– Are you willing to say “no” from love? Have you created boundaries as a healthy container for honoring your values, your energy and your time? Are you willing to choose yourself?

– Do you know what you value? Are you willing to act in alignment from your values, even when it’s difficult? Do you live with intention and are able to make the choices that nurture your center and further your growth?

– Is what you are committing to, through where your energy and action goes, the same as what you want? Can you bring your habitual commitments into closer alignment with your desires?

– Are you still hustling to earn your sense of worth and value from others or do you claim it for yourself? Are you able to embrace growth opportunities or do you shrink at criticism? What is one area of your life where you might need to claim your worth and value?

We are all on a journey of cultivating self-love, and that journey impacts everything about not only how we show up in the world — in every facet of our lives — but also how we experience ourselves as we do so.

When it comes to enjoying that ride, cultivating self-love is probably the richest, most valuable, rewarding work we will ever do.

By Aimee Hansen

(Our “Heart” Coach)