By Nicki Gilmour Executive Coach and Organizational Psychologist
What happens when someone tries to discredit your work or disqualify you as a contender for a job?
Not just in politics, but in the workplace too. It is hard to believe that we still have to talk about this matter, but its still lurking. Whether it is overt sexism, a micro-aggression or even worse, the impact on the person on the receiving end is real. In the societal context, women ( and other minorities) are not believed and the benefit of the doubt usually goes to the perpetrator due to their status and biological sex/race/orientation (i.e. legacy dominant position that people do not like to challenge their implicit authority). In a work context, it means less pay, lost promotions and general unnecessary emotional stress. This is the stuff that causes a drag on individual/ team and firm performance and no amount of words about diversity from the CEO or drinks in the women’s network will fix the heart of what diversity work is; power and who gets it to have it , keep it and be believed.
Often people with issues (this is the kindest version I can print) will try to discredit you as a person and they start with your social identity, which means your grouping characteristics such as which gender you are, which ethnicity you are, and which orientation you are. Even if you personally don’t feel massive affiliation to these categories because it can be a shock to people with no intersectionality that you too could be just trying to live your life as a human and do your work without considering yourself (insert what you are here: a woman/black/gay etc).
Remember, it is often about you according to them and their stereotypical notions of who you are and absolutely nothing to do with who you actually are and what you are actually capable of. Equally, the people who i am referring to who feel like they are a threatened species, often benefit from their sex, skin color via positive stereotyping ( someone once said, its not a glass ceiling, but a thick layer of men). It is worth noting that anyone can do it even if they are a woman themselves because internalized misogyny and desire to protect traditional power structures have never been so obvious than this moment in history. But, whatever other people’s paradigms are, remedial attitudes or baggage, it should not have to be at your expense.
Why is this career advice? It is something that you need to be aware of because unfortunately one day you might stumble up against a less than evolved individual who will directly or indirectly try to lessen your credibility or devalue your work based on nothing more than your social identity.
How this plays out is that they take a shot at you based on their perception of their superiority and appropriateness regarding legacy positions for women, people of color and LGBT people. For example, at a recent social gathering, a fellow who had previously said offhand comments about women at work and LGBT people, decided to directly spit out a challenge starting the question with “who?” when the who was very obvious so it was not actually a question, it was a micro-aggression against a gay family structure.
Furthermore, bias is regularly disguised as ‘values’ because if you look at how values are formed, it is easy to see that constructs come from past norms, socio-conditioning and current cultural messaging. What did their granny tell them when they were nine? Chances are, they are operating heavily on familiar programming completely unaware that they have inherited things that they might not even truly believe if examined.
So, what do you do if you find yourself facing a person who is intentionally trying to devalue you.
There are strategies to pursue and which road to take depends on three things:
1. The overall systemic environment.
Where is the whole group at regarding their own ability to honestly digest how individual behaviors impact ongoing norms and actual humans in the group? The denial levels for untoward behavior in the workplace or socially are reducing as we have seen this year with sexual harassment. But, overall the ability to deny wrongdoing on micro-aggressions are still high. Look at how tolerant of bad behavior is the manager of your team? What flies? What are the group norms?
This is workplace culture and crucial to your next move when bringing up what happened. Will you be believed? The worst thing is not being believed or being told your experience couldn’t be true or is somehow invalid. Will you be shushed as excuses from you are wrong /you misunderstood them fly from people who are supposed to listen to such things? (HR , leaders, mentors, friends). Take the temperature as your truth is your truth, but group theory (Bion) suggests the group will protect the legacy structures, unless there are reasons not to.
2. The standing of the individual and their power based on them as an individual but also the power and authority assigned to them due to their social identity which adds benefit of the doubt privilege. Extreme cases are Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby- they thought they were untouchable due to the social currency. But, everyday bias and derogatory stuff is what we are talking about here, so relay the transgression to people who have mental complexity and can hold two conflicting realities in their head at the same time. That is to say, they can experience that this guy is great with them but bad to you as simultaneously true versions of reality and use their one subjective personal data point as an objective truth.
If no mental complexity is there ( as defined by Kegan, the Harvard development psychologist by the way, not just being rude here in saying they are not advanced), you will risk the high denial element again as these folks might have high IQ and make lots of money but are completely remedial on EQ, SQ and connecting the dots and you might as well be arguing with a small child.
This can be a depressing piece of work as there are many people who are capable but just have never had to do any real joining of cognitive, emotional and psychological processes because they can just stay in their ignorance as they have had no direct experience of what it means to be in the non dominant group and intersectionality doesn’t touch them. Also congruence is comfortable for everyone so its not their fault how they got there but it is their responsibility to figure out how to develop knowing that the world is full of many different types of people who historically didn’t have any power – see Kegan and Lahey again on the socialized mind in Immunity to Change. There are still so many men and women who cant help but protect the status quo for so many reasons. If you want to see this in action, participate in a contained social experiment- go to an AK Rice Group Relations conference on Power and Authority!
3. The third factor is your personality? Are you a confronter or a keep the peace person? You need to know your own comfort zones and abilities and what you are going to be able to take emotionally as revealing bad people can take strength, energy and there are stakes at play sometimes ( the bully/bigot knows that the stakes are low or them and high for you).
So, once you know the above, you can work out what the best course of action is. Sometimes it is about doing something and sometimes is it is not.
For extra reading, I recommend Leaders Guide to Leveraging Diversity Capabilities or leave this book on your boss’s desk to prime the pump for people who want to make things better so you build a cultural coalition of people who know how to deal with everyday problem children at work. I quote Maya Angelou in high regard, because “when you know better, you do better.”
If you are dealing with difficult people or a culture that has systemic diversity issues in it, I would be happy to work with you as your executive coach. Contact me on 646 6882318 or nicki@theglasshammer.com for an exploratory chat.
Career Tips from a Senior Female Executive in Commercial Real Estate
Career Advice, Guest ContributionImage via Shutterstock
Guest contributed by Lauren Leach
For women considering a career in commercial real estate, consider restructuring as the opportunities are vast and varied and sure to offer challenges and fulfillment.
This is a field with a surprising shortage of women. I have always viewed being a woman as an advantage. It means you are more likely to get noticed in a professional situation. As such, it is imperative you are prepared and have the skill set and knowledge to communicate and execute effectively once you are noticed.
It was a circuitous route that brought me to my career. A summer internship changed the professional trajectory of my life. I was working on my psychology degree at the University of Michigan when a family friend suggested I explore real estate. Intrigued, that summer I secured an internship at a prestigious global commercial real estate brokerage and began building the foundation for my career
I found the commercial real estate industry so compelling in large part because of the high-risk, high-reward nature of the business, which has a variety of subsets that allow me to constantly expand and hone new skills. Real estate, unlike some other asset classes in a commercial portfolio, provides a platform to truly measure value and witness tangible progress in the form of brick and mortar. In today’s tumultuous environment, my skillsets and experience in this area are in great demand.
Now, I specialize in restructuring distressed commercial real estate properties. My focus changed to distressed real estate from the brokerage side of the business to embrace new challenges. Working as a broker during the Great Recession provided a fierce and up close look at the volatility of the commercial real estate market. That volatility has perhaps never been more evident than in recent years.
As I’ve ascended in my career, I have learned a lot and offer the following tips for young professionals entering the industry:
I have also been fortunate in that I have not personally experienced sexual harassment or similar inappropriateness in the workplace. Culture is set at the top. Again, do your research as you make decisions related to what organizations you want to work for. If you do experience harassment or intimidation in any form, documentation and discussion with HR is essential. If it is happening to you, most likely it is happening to others too.
About Lauren Leach
Lauren Leach, Director, Conway MacKenzie has negotiated over 8,000,000 square feet of leases with a value in excess of $410,000,000. She also specializes in court-appointed receiverships, leasing matters, portfolio valuations and liquidations, and complex real estate negotiations. Lauren holds a B.A. in psychology and Master’s degree in retail brokerage from the University of Michigan. She resides in Metro Detroit with her husband, daughter and dog.
Disclaimer: The opinions and views of Guest contributors are not necessarily those of theglasshammer.com
5 Tips to Increasing your Empathy as a Leadership Strategy
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!I used to have zero empathy, lots of honest concern for the person in their situation, but zero empathy (and I have the psychometric tests to prove it).
I could not understand why people could not do better, get over it and get on with it. I was judging them against my paradigms built as a child growing up in a terrorist state with an emotionally unavailable parent and a right wing culture telling me I had to be tough to survive( Northern Ireland in the 1980s under Thatcher). My frameworks and values were in play exclusively, not the other person’s frameworks. It was frustrating for me and I am pretty sure it was not a pleasant experience for people I managed and had in my life. Empathy is a leadership skill, because without it you cannot understand what people are feeling which dictates everything from how they perform to how they show up at work attitudinally and to how authentic they are with you.
This is key if you want to get past the golden rule of ‘treat others of treat people how you want to be treated’ and evolve to the platinum rule of “treat others how they want to be treated.”
So, I built, brick by brick and I internalized it and like any muscle flexed it until it became integral to my nature. You can do this also!
Here are 4 quick tips to get started:
1. Ask open questions that allow people to tell you about themselves and their situations in a way that gives them space to do it their way. Don’t interrogate people as building trust comes before, during and after these types of interactions.
2. Understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is when you feel an emotion for their situation ( such as sorrow and there is distance between you and them emotionally). Empathy is when their emotion is something that you feel with them as it pertains to your own ability to map it internally to your own experiences.
3. Do not limit other people’s emotions to your own range or to your own experiences. Frankly, you might not have the biggest range in the world. And if are very subjective in your ability to interpret events and can only do it through your lens ( see Kegan and Lahey again on the socialized mind in Immunity to Change) then I have found in people who have low EQ but lots of empathy that the person who is seeking to be understood by you on a topic can feel frustrated by the way that you are very keen to share what happened to you as part of the meaning- making and it can drown out the original person. Or that the subjectivity factor completely limits the process, putting the process in or near the concern quadrant if this was a map.
4. Recap and name the emotions you hear as a question not as a statement. In my opinion this is very tied to points 1 and 2 and 3.
5. Use the “magic if” to walk in the other person’s shoes. For example: “If my dad had a stroke this week, would i be able to finish project x today?’.
Practice makes perfect! And imperfection is ok too, your efforts will be appreciated, I am sure.
If you would like to develop your leadership skillst, I would be happy to work with you as your executive coach. Contact me on 646 6882318 or nicki@theglasshammer.com for an exploratory chat
Voice of Experience: Kerri Durso, Shearman & Sterling
Voices of ExperienceDon’t be afraid to speak up, urges Shearman & Sterling’s Kerri Durso, a New York-based counsel in the Derivatives & Structured Products practice.
“I find young lawyers– and women in particular– can be hesitant to speak up in groups. If you know the answer, share it without feeling intimidated by others,” she advises. “Having a true presence at the table is more than just being there and taking notes, but providing material information in an appropriate manner when you have it.”
A Career Built on Industry Mastery
After summering at Shearman & Sterling during her second year of law school, Kerri joined the firm’s Financial Restructuring & Insolvency practice as a full-time associate in 2008. She notes that this was a fantastic time to be an insolvency lawyer, with Lehman Brothers having filed for bankruptcy only the month before she started. “I learned so much in those first two years of working on the Lehman case for several of its creditors,” she says.
When the Lehman issues began to sort themselves out, she moved to Derivatives and Structured Products, which piqued her interest given the number of derivative claims in the Lehman insolvency. She has been there ever since, working for both the buy-side and sell-side, as well as market utilities.
Learning something new all the time is what keeps her interest fresh. For example, while new derivatives regulation coming out of Dodd-Frank has slowed, the implementation of several important aspects of Dodd-Frank continues. Currently she is deep in implementing the new margin requirements mandating the exchange of variation and initial margin for market participants. The regulations provided for a phased-in implementation schedule, and several financial institutions are subject to deadlines this fall. The market is also preparing for the fall of 2019 when the next phase will apply that requires new industry form documentation. “It is very exciting to be a part of drafting form documents that will be used for years to come in the derivatives market,” she notes.
While she has enjoyed many aspects of her work, the professional achievement Kerri says she is most proud of is the role she has played in expanding Shearman & Sterling’s relationship with several financial institutions. Through her personal connections and hard work, she has helped secure a number of meaningful engagements. “The breadth of the work is always changing, but knowing that our firm has the resources to serve a variety of different needs of our clients is something I am proud to be a part of,” she says.
Sharing Wisdom is Crucial for Future Generations
One lesson Kerri has learned along the way – that, as she admits, no one wants to learn – is that everyone makes mistakes, and the key is what you do after. “Recognize the mistake and raise the issue with those you are working with in a timely fashion,” she recommends. “There are few mistakes that cannot be fixed if you take responsibility and raise the issue as soon as possible,” she says, adding that clients and coworkers will respect you for addressing the mistake head on.
Over the years she learned many professional lessons from her sponsors, both male and female, whom she says have encouraged her throughout her career. She recommends young lawyers entering the industry put effort into finding someone they can relate to and emulate, cultivating the relationship if it doesn’t occur naturally. “These are the people who will help guide you through difficult issues in the workplace and that you can look to for career advice,” she says.
She encourages her peers to proactively assume those roles by taking an interest in the junior lawyers they work with. “I hope that I can play the same role my sponsors did for me for even one lawyer,” she says.
Kerri has been active in WISER (Women’s Initiative for Success, Excellence and Retention), the firm’s women’s inclusion network, which emphasizes mentorship, professional development and awareness for all lawyers. She co-chaired the group for two years and proudly attends their functions today, finding it to be a good forum to discuss career paths and learn how others have excelled.
In order to maintain a healthy work-life balance, Kerri says it’s imperative to find time to unplug; for example, she plans at least one great family vacation each year. It doesn’t always need to be to somewhere exotic, she says, but somewhere she can relax with her two-and-a-half-year-old son, infant daughter and husband. In addition, she is enjoying working with her son in the small vegetable garden they planted. “I truly enjoy spending time with my family and anything we do together is a treat,” she says.
Why Gender Equality is Good for Men | Part One
Career Advice, Men Who "Get It"Guest contributed by Lisa Levey
Gender equality is one of those loaded topics that can bring conversation to a halt.
Women’s empowerment has been portrayed as a link to all that men have lost, whether its perceived loss of professional opportunities or loss of the privilege of not having to deal with housework or childcare. There is a fear that expectation of females being subordinate dissipates with equality, which is an outdated expectation to have in modern society to start with but surprisingly present still for some families.
Women’s rising power has left many men seething and many more with a gnawing fear that gains for women mean losses for men. The incredible irony is: the culprit is not gender equality but misguided thinking about masculinity which is shared by both genders and that exacts such a high toll on men.
Read on to discover why based on research, rather than hyperbole, gender equality is a gift for men that keeps on giving.
Gender equality benefits men’s physical health
Gender is highly linked with health risks and outcomes and men continually draw the short stick. But men’s health challenges are substantially driven by their own attitudes and behaviors [which they can change.]
Men who espouse more traditional beliefs about gender make less healthy choices. They drink more alcohol, smoke more, and are more likely to take drugs as well as paying less attention to eating healthily or getting enough sleep. They’re less likely to seek medical care for preventive reasons or to follow their physician’s instructions when they do seek care. Real men don’t seem to think they need to cut their portion sizes as they age, limit how much beer they drink, or spend precious time going to the doctor but they make these decisions at their own peril.
Gender equality benefits men’s marital satisfaction
Alongside women’s influx into the workforce over the last half-century, there’s been a shift in how men experience marriage. Marriages became more unstable – at first – as women began evolving from a more subordinate to a more egalitarian role. In the 1980’s the divorce rate among couples where the woman was more highly educated exceeded that for couples where this was not the case. Yet through time there has been a profound shift. Beginning in the 1990’s, women’s higher educational attainment no longer predicted elevated divorce rates and the marital stability of educational equals rose.
A professor at Brigham Young University studied the division of labor for married couples and those living together across 31 countries. She found couples with a more shared approach to caring for their children and homes were happier in their relationships than couples with a more specialized approach.
Based on my research with parents who sought to proactively share the load at home, both men and women described the power of walking in each other’s shoes and having each other’s backs. They saw themselves on the same team, spending their precious energy on navigating the challenges of equality in a still highly-gendered world, rather than on arguing with each other.
Across the U.S., states with a higher percent of couples in traditional marriages report escalated divorce rates compared to states with a higher percent of dual earner families. Data indicates changing gender norms and family values go hand in hand.
Gender equality benefits men’s relationships with their children
Society has been terribly unfair to men by invalidating the importance of their parenting role. This messaging has no doubt seeped into men’s thinking and worldview. Ironically, both men who live paycheck-to-paycheck and men with incredible wealth similarly perceive prioritizing time away from work to bond with a new child as a luxury rather than a necessity.
Yet if fathers knew how vitally important they were to their children’s lives, they might make different choices. When fathers are involved early and often, their children benefit in critical ways. Positive father involvement from the outset translates into better academic outcomes, more favorable social behavior, fewer discipline issues and greater happiness. The effects of fathering – both good and bad – stay with children far beyond their youth, manifesting during their adult lives via career success and the ability to manage stress, among other ways.
Based on the inaugural 2015 State of the World’s Fathers study, infants attach to both of their parents from the outset if both are actively involved with their care. Paternal engagement is a protective factor for kids who are close to their dads with children being half as likely to suffer from depression during their youth. In other research, fathers who assume a more egalitarian partnership at home raise daughters who are more ambitious.
Not only do fathers influence daughters but daughters influence fathers. A study highlighted in the Harvard Business Review reports men with daughters run more socially responsible companies, particularly with regard to diversity. Men should hope to work for a company where the male CEO has a first born daughter because if he does, he’ll see more money in his paycheck than if the first born is a son.
Gender equality gives men more flexibility and freedom
Men have been saddled with the primary breadwinning role for too long. And while the bias toward men as primary providers persists, a Pew study suggests there may be change afoot. While more than 70% of women and men reported it was very important for a man to be a good provider, women identified their breadwinning responsibility – and that of other women – as far more important than men.
It’s understandable why many men struggle with not being the primary provider, a role for which they have long felt acute responsibility and received social and financial reward. Yet many men fail to see how their partner’s earning capacity provides not only far greater security for the family but also far more flexibility for them. With a financial teammate, men can more easily contemplate starting a business, leaving a bad employer, or push for a promotion. Gender equality helps men to not feel stuck and without options.
Multiple research studies document that men in more egalitarian relationships report lower levels of work-life stress. What may seem counterintuitive for men is that devoting more time to their lives outside of work actually minimizes their work-life stress. The same has not been found to be true for women so really isn’t it time for men to see and talk about the benefits of getting on board with gender equality.
Tune in next week for the second installment of why gender equality is good for men.
Disclaimer: The opinions and views of guest contributors are not necessarily those of theglasshammer.com
What you Need to Know About the Glass Ceiling (Before your Head Hits it!)
Career Advice, Guest ContributionGuest contributed by Ella Patenall
If I asked someone on the street to name 3 male CEO’s they’ve heard of, they probably wouldn’t struggle to answer. Ask them for 3 women and they might falter.
We have seen an increase in women securing senior management roles. However, statistics continue to show that these roles are disproportionately held by their male counterparts, with women holding just 20% of senior management roles. Just 6.4% of CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are women. Furthermore, it has been predicted that it will take 100 years for women and men to be level in management roles.
This is in-part due to the glass ceiling. The glass ceiling refers to the invisible barrier women may face in their working life. It’s the theory that a woman can work her way through a company with a promotion in sight yet is blocked from senior roles, no matter how qualified she may be. Coined in 1978, this theory, sadly, still holds true.
So, are men better at business?
Research on many top UK and US companies has demonstrated otherwise.
Companies with a female CEO on average had better return on capital than those with no women on executive committees.
Women CEOs in the Fortune 1000 Drive three times the returns as S&P enterprises run by men.
According to research conducted by University of California Berkeley, companies who value gender diversity in their organisations see a boost to their bottom line.
A study found that girls outperformed boys in a collaborative problem solving. The study was repeated in numerous countries and the same results were recorded. This collaboration is important within a business environment where many teams exist and are required to work together on shared goals.
Additionally, in developed nations, women outperform men in education across the board.
In the US, men, no matter what their ethnicity or socio-economic group, are less likely to achieve a bachelor’s degree at college. In fact, 40 years ago, men made up 58% of college places and today this has reversed.
In the UK, this situation is mirrored, with campaigns such as ‘take our son to university day’ cropping up to increase the number of boys in higher education.
It would seem than women’s higher academic achievement would have predicted more women ending up in the highest business positions.
How can the glass ceiling be shattered?
Although it will take many decades before gender roles are eliminated and attitudes change completely towards women in the workplace. Sadly, for now, women must work harder than men to achieve the same success. Here are a few steps you could take to reach full potential in your career.
Don’t undervalue yourself
Studies have highlighted that women tend to undervalue themselves. A way this manifest is not asking for a pay rise, or a promotion when it’s deserved due to fear of losing a job and being perceived as ‘pushy’ – a trait more comfortably accepted in men. This is great news for our CEO’s who are saving money due to our unwillingness to request a pay rise!
Don’t settle for lower than you deserve due to a lack of confidence. If you feel you really deserve a pay rise or promotion after your hard work and service, speak to your manager and let them know how you feel. It’s important not to remain trapped in a role when you deserve better.
This undervaluing is problematic before even being in a role. Research has shown that women apply for a job role if they meet 100% of the requirements, whereas men will apply with just 60%! Don’t let not meeting all the criteria put you off. An employer doesn’t usually expect someone to meet everything and might be impressed by the experience and credentials you already possess and see great potential in you.
Networking and collaborate
A large part of building success is learning from others and building relationships. Attending network events is a great way to meet likeminded business people. There is a plethora of business events aimed at women, which aid by increasing confidence and self-esteem, connecting with mentors and forging business partnerships and friendships.
Embracing fear and failure
Stereotypes that women don’t take risks continue to prevail. Taking risk is essential in business and women who have made it to the top have not done so without an element of risk and some failure along the way.
Remember that failure is a part of succeeding. Acknowledging and accepting failures can make you a stronger and more successful businesswoman. Failure teaches us our best lessons and can be a source of motivation.
Ella Patenall writes for Inspiring Interns, which specializes in sourcing candidates for internships and graduate jobs.
Maintaining Credibility: How to Deal with People Who Try to Devalue You
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!What happens when someone tries to discredit your work or disqualify you as a contender for a job?
Not just in politics, but in the workplace too. It is hard to believe that we still have to talk about this matter, but its still lurking. Whether it is overt sexism, a micro-aggression or even worse, the impact on the person on the receiving end is real. In the societal context, women ( and other minorities) are not believed and the benefit of the doubt usually goes to the perpetrator due to their status and biological sex/race/orientation (i.e. legacy dominant position that people do not like to challenge their implicit authority). In a work context, it means less pay, lost promotions and general unnecessary emotional stress. This is the stuff that causes a drag on individual/ team and firm performance and no amount of words about diversity from the CEO or drinks in the women’s network will fix the heart of what diversity work is; power and who gets it to have it , keep it and be believed.
Often people with issues (this is the kindest version I can print) will try to discredit you as a person and they start with your social identity, which means your grouping characteristics such as which gender you are, which ethnicity you are, and which orientation you are. Even if you personally don’t feel massive affiliation to these categories because it can be a shock to people with no intersectionality that you too could be just trying to live your life as a human and do your work without considering yourself (insert what you are here: a woman/black/gay etc).
Remember, it is often about you according to them and their stereotypical notions of who you are and absolutely nothing to do with who you actually are and what you are actually capable of. Equally, the people who i am referring to who feel like they are a threatened species, often benefit from their sex, skin color via positive stereotyping ( someone once said, its not a glass ceiling, but a thick layer of men). It is worth noting that anyone can do it even if they are a woman themselves because internalized misogyny and desire to protect traditional power structures have never been so obvious than this moment in history. But, whatever other people’s paradigms are, remedial attitudes or baggage, it should not have to be at your expense.
Why is this career advice? It is something that you need to be aware of because unfortunately one day you might stumble up against a less than evolved individual who will directly or indirectly try to lessen your credibility or devalue your work based on nothing more than your social identity.
How this plays out is that they take a shot at you based on their perception of their superiority and appropriateness regarding legacy positions for women, people of color and LGBT people. For example, at a recent social gathering, a fellow who had previously said offhand comments about women at work and LGBT people, decided to directly spit out a challenge starting the question with “who?” when the who was very obvious so it was not actually a question, it was a micro-aggression against a gay family structure.
Furthermore, bias is regularly disguised as ‘values’ because if you look at how values are formed, it is easy to see that constructs come from past norms, socio-conditioning and current cultural messaging. What did their granny tell them when they were nine? Chances are, they are operating heavily on familiar programming completely unaware that they have inherited things that they might not even truly believe if examined.
So, what do you do if you find yourself facing a person who is intentionally trying to devalue you.
There are strategies to pursue and which road to take depends on three things:
1. The overall systemic environment.
Where is the whole group at regarding their own ability to honestly digest how individual behaviors impact ongoing norms and actual humans in the group? The denial levels for untoward behavior in the workplace or socially are reducing as we have seen this year with sexual harassment. But, overall the ability to deny wrongdoing on micro-aggressions are still high. Look at how tolerant of bad behavior is the manager of your team? What flies? What are the group norms?
This is workplace culture and crucial to your next move when bringing up what happened. Will you be believed? The worst thing is not being believed or being told your experience couldn’t be true or is somehow invalid. Will you be shushed as excuses from you are wrong /you misunderstood them fly from people who are supposed to listen to such things? (HR , leaders, mentors, friends). Take the temperature as your truth is your truth, but group theory (Bion) suggests the group will protect the legacy structures, unless there are reasons not to.
2. The standing of the individual and their power based on them as an individual but also the power and authority assigned to them due to their social identity which adds benefit of the doubt privilege. Extreme cases are Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby- they thought they were untouchable due to the social currency. But, everyday bias and derogatory stuff is what we are talking about here, so relay the transgression to people who have mental complexity and can hold two conflicting realities in their head at the same time. That is to say, they can experience that this guy is great with them but bad to you as simultaneously true versions of reality and use their one subjective personal data point as an objective truth.
If no mental complexity is there ( as defined by Kegan, the Harvard development psychologist by the way, not just being rude here in saying they are not advanced), you will risk the high denial element again as these folks might have high IQ and make lots of money but are completely remedial on EQ, SQ and connecting the dots and you might as well be arguing with a small child.
This can be a depressing piece of work as there are many people who are capable but just have never had to do any real joining of cognitive, emotional and psychological processes because they can just stay in their ignorance as they have had no direct experience of what it means to be in the non dominant group and intersectionality doesn’t touch them. Also congruence is comfortable for everyone so its not their fault how they got there but it is their responsibility to figure out how to develop knowing that the world is full of many different types of people who historically didn’t have any power – see Kegan and Lahey again on the socialized mind in Immunity to Change. There are still so many men and women who cant help but protect the status quo for so many reasons. If you want to see this in action, participate in a contained social experiment- go to an AK Rice Group Relations conference on Power and Authority!
3. The third factor is your personality? Are you a confronter or a keep the peace person? You need to know your own comfort zones and abilities and what you are going to be able to take emotionally as revealing bad people can take strength, energy and there are stakes at play sometimes ( the bully/bigot knows that the stakes are low or them and high for you).
So, once you know the above, you can work out what the best course of action is. Sometimes it is about doing something and sometimes is it is not.
For extra reading, I recommend Leaders Guide to Leveraging Diversity Capabilities or leave this book on your boss’s desk to prime the pump for people who want to make things better so you build a cultural coalition of people who know how to deal with everyday problem children at work. I quote Maya Angelou in high regard, because “when you know better, you do better.”
If you are dealing with difficult people or a culture that has systemic diversity issues in it, I would be happy to work with you as your executive coach. Contact me on 646 6882318 or nicki@theglasshammer.com for an exploratory chat.
Voice of Experience: Kristi Tange, Co-Head of Enterprise Operations, London, Goldman Sachs
Voices of ExperienceInitially, she was hesitant to ask to leave the office a little early, and then she realized that there was no harm in making the request.
When her boss said yes, Tange described it as a “profound moment.” Not only did it give her insight into the firm’s positive culture, but it helped her realize that it’s always wise to communicate and ask for what you need. This experience also helped inform her management style: “When someone asks for something, my first answer is always, ‘Of course; let’s see how we can make it work.’”
A Varied Career Across Three Regions
Tange recently celebrated her 21st anniversary at Goldman Sachs after beginning her career as an analyst in Japan, where she had studied to fulfill the foreign language proficiency required as part of her master’s degree program in Foreign Service at Georgetown University.
She then moved with Goldman Sachs to New York, where her husband was attending graduate school. Tange is now based in London and serves as co-head for Enterprise Operations, providing operational support for processes that service the breadth of the firm, including opening accounts for clients, managing collateral, and more.
When she first joined Operations, her division was much smaller, and there was just one managing director, which made her question if ultimately reaching that level was possible. Fast forward two decades, and the division has expanded significantly. She was named a managing director in 2009, which she describes as a “pleasant shock,” noting that when she was an analyst, reaching that level had seemed unattainable. “You learn over the course of your career that you can outperform your own expectations,” Tange says.
One of the most exciting programs she is currently overseeing is uplifting the firm’s onboarding program, known as “Know Your Customer,” in order to comply with new due diligence regulatory processes and enhance the client experience. While fulfilling these requirements has traditionally been challenging for clients, her team realized that revamping this program could be a differentiator for the firm, and began to rethink the architecture and streamline associated processes in order to more effectively introduce clients to Goldman Sachs. “To be in a role where we can deliver an effective solution that sets a positive tone for our client relationships is rewarding,” she says.
Using Your Voice to Earn Your Spot
Over the course of her career, Tange has learned that it’s important to speak out and be bold, to earn a voice and seat at the table — and that you will go farther and faster if you do that early in your career.
“When people join, they think they need to be trained for a long period of time before sharing their views, but bringing a fresh pair of eyes is where your value is — to point out things that others might not notice,” she says, adding that those who are hired by Goldman Sachs tend to already have the necessary education and talent to be contributors from the start. “The earlier you share your perspective, the more you will grow as a leader.”
She encourages women to adopt behaviors that have served male colleagues well, such as feeling empowered to boldly request a one-on-one meeting with a senior leader.
“We read about barriers that women face in their careers, but I’ve felt fortunate at Goldman Sachs because it’s a place focused on skill sets and meritocracy,” Tange notes. She believes it’s important that companies focus on retaining women through policies such as short-term leaves, flexibility and relocation opportunities in order to keep top talent.
Tange also notes that it’s important to have leaders who have been able to achieve a balanced lifestyle, to serve as a model for others. “We need role models who fit a number of profiles, who represent greater diversity, so that junior individuals can see more women at senior levels,” she says.
During her time at Goldman Sachs, Tange has seen the value of sponsorship. In her current role she and fellow women managing directors identify and support up-and-coming women in their division, in an effort to ensure they have effective sponsorship and work on initiatives that help develop and showcase their capabilities ‘to get to the next level.” Tange notes: “We are able to pay it forward as we help move these women up the career ladder.”
Tange actively works to achieve a balance between work, her family and addressing her own needs. After her son was born 10 years ago, she realized that her life had become revolved around work and her family, and she needed to carve out time to focus on her health by joining the gym. Tange notes that her husband was very supportive about her motivation to focus on her health, and she put the structure in place to carefully “protect” her gym nights. “This helps show others that I am balancing my health and personal needs alongside my job, which helps give the right message to my team that we should all do this.”
Since spending the past eight years in the UK, she has become very passionate about travel and has visited many European countries with her family. She also enjoys sightseeing in London, with memberships to horticultural societies and museums.
Mover & Shaker: Emily Viner, Vice President of Agency Growth & Development, The Guardian Life Insurance Company of America®
Movers and ShakersA recent study on the gender gap in sales showed that it was a career that wasn’t even on the radar for many women, which Guardian’s Emily Viner finds to be a shame.
“If women can match a passion they personally have to a sales role, their opportunities are limitless,” she says. “Really caring about the product, program or process is where you can get that mojo and when that happens, the sky’s the limit.”
Finding a Calling in Her Work
That passion has inspired Viner’s work and led to her long, successful career with Guardian.
A first-generation college student, Viner graduated with a marketing and economics degree but was drawn to sales. “I soon realized that a commission dollar is a commission dollar not 63 cents on the dollar like my friends were going to earn and knew that would be my future,” she says. She started in a banking-related industry and then moved into financial services, which turned out to be her calling. “I found such a passion of purpose for families, particularly women, to help them plan for their family’s future,” she says. It’s a cause near to her heart, as she realized what this type of planning could have meant for her family, especially her mom who became a widow at 42.
Viner started at another firm as an advisor, but soon transitioned into leadership and helping the firm grow. Her professional standing grew when she wrote an article for the GAMA News Journal and subsequently spoke at GAMA’s industry conference. Based on that attention, she was soon recruited by two different companies for corporate roles, but at the time her kids were little and neither of the firms offered the flexibility she needed.
She accepted a consulting arrangement with one company while Guardian stayed in touch, eventually reaching out to offer her the chance to architect how and when she would work.
That was the start of a 21-year relationship where she has grown both personally and professionally, with her daughters growing up as part of the Guardian family.
Looking back over the course of her career, she believes that opportunity to write an article and speak at the convention truly changed the course of her career, and it came full circle recently when she was honored with the inaugural Visionary of the Industry Award for her work. “It’s humbling but also reminds me there’s still so much work to do,” she says. But while the quest continues, she appreciates that the award offered a moment to pause and reflect on how much progress had been made.
Helping Other Women Achieve Success
Viner is ebulliently optimistic about the opportunities available to the next generation of women and implores others to remember the infamous words of Madeleine Albright: “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
That said, she has also benefitted from the sponsorship and mentorship of many men within the organization, many of whom are now retired, who helped her grow as a professional.
She encourages younger people on her team to find mentors throughout the company who can share wisdom, whether it’s industry-related or focused on professional skills, such as executive presence or making sure your voice is heard in meetings.
Right now she focuses much of her efforts on helping the firm innovate with its workplace culture as a way to retain talent. For example, they have introduced flexible leadership training programs designed to be more accommodating for those interested and uses assessment so that each person gets what they need, when they need it.
And Guardian is expanding their use of apprenticeships to find different pathways and bridges to becoming an advisor so that individuals can find the onramp that works best for them. It’s important, she says, to focus on diversity so our firms reflect the communities we serve.
One of Viner’s most influential learning moments came while she was attending a dinner hosted by Catalyst, a global nonprofit focused on building workplaces that work for women. At the dinner, a key note speaker shared “that men say yes to opportunities, even when they don’t know how to do something. Many women don’t do that and spend more time being ‘competent rather than confident.’ Women need to realize that if they raise their hands, they will figure out how to succeed in the role.”
Viner participates and hosts a number of professional development programs, but one of her favorites is Guardian’s annual Women’s Leadership Summit (WLS). She is not alone: She has heard that many women leaders say that WLS has kept them energized over the years. The network created an important level of support both personally and professionally for women, many of whom might be the only female advisor in an office of 40 men. One regular attendee of WLS who formed a study group from being at WLS recently won a special sales leadership award, and she had this to say about her involvement in the organization: “There’s a study group I have from the WLS that has sustained me, and next year I’ll make sure they’re all up there receiving awards with me,” she says.
Raising Two Strong Daughters
Married for 32 years, Viner has two daughters, one a Veterinarian working at the teaching hospital at University of Wisconsin, and the other working at and starting a Master’s program at Columbia University. Viner and her daughters decided they needed an impromptu getaway before they went their separate ways and recently enjoyed a relaxing and rejuvenating long weekend in Turks and Caicos, where they have all always wanted to go. “When I’m with my girls, everything’s ok,” she says.
And she feels confident that they are on the road to success, as she has passed on the importance of financial planning to them. “They have products in place to protect their income, have their investment accounts, and I can see their confidence with their finances. I love knowing that they know saving is such a foundation. Passing this on to the next generation is so rewarding.”
Transitioning into Life as a Working New Mother
Ask A Career Coach, Career Advice, Guest ContributionGuest contributed by Sydney Miller
Over the past decade, we have seen a significant increase in the number of working mothers.
Mothers are the primary money earners in 40% of households with children under 18 today, compared to 11% in 1960. Choosing to be a full-time working mother isn’t always an easy decision to make, but it’s often a necessary decision. With the cost of living on the rise, it’s important for families to plan for their best financial future. This is especially true for single mothers.
Recently, we’ve seen great strides made towards better maternity and paternity leaves globally. This allows more parents the ability to take the necessary time off postpartum. It’s crucial for new mothers to have time to bond with her newborn and recover. When this leave is over, it’s time for her to return to work. This transition can be very hard. She’ll need time to cope with the emotions of returning and getting her head back into the work mode.
Are you or someone you know a new mother who is planning to return to the office soon? If so, follow our tips for getting back into your comfort zone at work.
Talk to Your HR Department
When you have a confirmed date in mind for returning to work, ask to set up a meeting with your HR department. You’ll want to work out all the details and paperwork with them ahead of time. Ask them all your top of mind questions now so you’re prepared. They’ve most likely been through this before. Ask if your company allows for flexible hours or telecommuting. Also, ask them if they have a private room available to you for breastfeeding needs. They may also have benefits set up for new parents, so be sure to go over all the details with them.
Sit Down With Your Team
During your maternity leave, appoint a contact for yourself in your office. The two of you can remain in communication during your time off. They’ll be able to fill you in on any important news and projects that you’ll want to be aware of. Going back to work prepared shows your commitment to the job and your flexibility.
A week or two before you go back, arrange a meeting with this coworker and/or your supervisor. Grab a cup of coffee out or come into the office. At this meeting, you’ll want to sort out the details of your work when your back and what their expectations are for you. If there are any limitations to your return, make them aware of them at this meeting. For example, if there’s a day of the week you are unable to work or any physical limitations you may have.
Look and Feel Your Best
The best way you’ll be able to acclimate to your new life as a working mother is by being confident in yourself. It’s important for new mothers to take care of themselves. Even the simple idea of having time for a long shower goes out the window when a new baby arrives. Although, you must look and feel your best to be your best. This is true both at home and at work. Show your employer your commitment to your job by being the best version of you.
Do your professional clothes still fit you well? If not, shop for a few pieces that you’ll be able to make many outfits out of instead of spending more than you need to. If you’re breastfeeding, you’ll want to invest in a versatile nursing bra that works with your work outfits. You should feel comfortable in what you wear but also professional. Treat yourself to a new haircut or take a long bath the week before. You deserve to rest before your life becomes hectic again.
Plan and Organize
Organization will be helpful to you during this busy time. At the top of your to-do list, should be arranging for childcare. Pick a center or nanny that you trust. Do a practice run getting into the routine of taking your newborn to where they will cared for. Then head to your office. Time the whole process. This way you’ll know what to expect come the first day. You should also have a backup plan in case. If you’re stuck at work one night or your child is sick, who can pick them up? Find an emergency contact to fulfill this duty and be available if they cannot reach you.
Put everything down on a calendar. Whether it’s pickup schedules, working hours, or important events. You’ll want to be on the same page as your significant other. If you find there is overlap in schedules, this will be a great way to plan this out.
Find Your Support Team
You’re most likely aiming to be supermom, right? You want to spend as much time with baby as possible of course. But you also want to succeed at work all day, be a great friend/wife and then come home to cook and clean everything. However, this isn’t always realistic. There are so many hours in the day and you’re only one person. Take a deep breath. No mom or employee is perfect.
Find a support group that can help you through the difficult times. If there are other moms at your office that have small children, start a support group. They’ll be able to give you advice for acclimating back into work life because they’ve been there. These are the people who understand best what you’re going through. Set up playdates or much need girls nights.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Your family, friends, significant other, and supervisor will all be there for you. If you need a day off, ask for it. If you need a sitter to go to the store by yourself for once, ask for it. Never feel alone in this process, someone will be by your side to help.
Disclaimer: The opinions and views of guest contributors are not necessarily those of theglasshammer.com
What to Do When the Goal Posts Move at Work
Career Advice, Career Tip of the Week!Recently, Fast Company published an article on unclear goals and what to do with the boss’s instructions are lacking or confusing.
As a coach, organizational psychologist, there is a piece of advice I offer everyday to my clients and it is something my own mentor told me many years ago. What is this sage wisdom? Never take a job where your responsibilities and your authority to execute (resources, power, ability) don’t align. Literally, do not accept the role of protecting the free world, if you can have the big red button to press if you need it. This analogy feels much more edgy these days than when I used to say it, which in itself is a reflective moment on whether we need a new analogy. Words matter!
So, say you take a job that you thought you were given the ability to execute on but it turns out that other people hold the resource, or the tools or the actual sign off? What do you do? You are already in the seat and the goal posts feel like they are a moving target!
It is key to explore your options and understand their potential future payoffs and consequences.
This is where good coaches can really help you.
I look forward to hearing from you since matrix organizations, company dysfunction etc means this is often much more common than we would like to believe.
Book an exploratory coaching call with Nicki here: https://calendly.com/nickigilmour/evolved-people-exploratory