By Melissa J. Anderson (New York City)

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to travel to Norway* to learn about the country’s innovative efforts toward gender equality. Norway had legislated that the boards of all publicly traded companies have to be 40 percent women. But that was only one side of the equation. If women were going to be empowered at work, the country reasoned, men would have to be more empowered at home.

Norway already offered lengthy paid parental leave (now 46 weeks at full pay) to be divvied up between new moms and dads, but when legislators realized that moms were taking the majority of the leave time, they created a period of parental leave reserved only for fathers – now ten weeks long. “Use it or lose it,” became the mantra – if dads don’t take paternity leave, they miss out, and moms can’t use that time in their stead. The law does two things. First of all, it ensures that fathers are taking on more of the heavy lifting at home after the birth of a child.

Secondarily, tn makes employers consider younger men and women the same way when hiring them – male and female applicants will likely be taking time off if they have children, so employers can’t cite looming maternity leave as a reason not to hire women.

The cultural change hasn’t been seamless, though – even in progressive Norway. During my trip, I met with a “daddy day-care circle” – a group of young dads on paternity leave. One of them talked about how he was offended when an older woman had stopped to straighten his child’s hat while he was taking a walk with the stroller, as if he, a man, couldn’t possibly have gotten it on right. Another talked about how his family didn’t approve of his taking time out of work to be with his child. A cab driver mentioned that his son was preparing to take time off work to spend with his new child, but he himself was glad his kids were grown up because spending time at home wasn’t interesting to him.

I was also asked repeatedly during the week what I thought American men would think of the “use it or lose it” paternity leave scheme. Most people responded with surprise when I said I thought they’d love being able to spend more time with their children – especially younger men of my own generation.

That brings us to the here and now. Pew recently released the results of a study on modern parenthood. Researchers found that fathers in the US are now more worried than mothers that they are not spending enough time with their kids. Almost half (46 percent) of dads say they think they should be spending more time at home. A quarter (23 percent) of moms said the same.

The Pew survey indicates that traditional gender roles are becoming increasingly blurred here in the US. It also indicates that many workplaces aren’t keeping up, and that matters for men and women.

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By Robin Madell (San Francisco)

“A person can only try hard and do their best. The goal is not perfection.”
–Leigh Steere, Co-founder, Managing People Better, LLC

Many executive women spend time at work feeling guilty about not being able to accomplish more. Yet with so much expected at the executive level, particularly in a down economy when companies are short-staffed, it’s virtually impossible for an executive to ever clear her to-do list, either in the office or at home.

For women raising families, the potential for guilt mounts exponentially. A study of 2,000 women commissioned by baby care company NUK found that 90 percent of working mothers feel guilty for a range of reasons, which include being too busy to give their children enough attention, working late or long hours, and going back to work after maternity leave.

Manhattan psychologist Dr. Joseph Cilona suggests that among the factors behind work-related guilt for women are a series of long-standing societal double-standards: women are still often expected to be the primary caretakers of children, attend to more than their share of household maintenance, and to look youthful and attractive in the bargain.

“Women are frequently judged when they fall short of unrealistic, impractical, and often unreachable standards,” says Cilona. “It’s no wonder that many women are experiencing burnout at an earlier age.”

So what’s the problem with guilt? If we feel a little guilty while we work or parent, is there any harm? According to Cilona, the answer is yes. “As a psychologist, when I think of guilt, I immediately think of an emotional cancer that can do serious damage to both the self and relationships,” he says. “Though debated by some, for me there is no sufficient evidence that guilt is a universal human emotion like joy, sadness, or even anger, which have recognizable facial and postural expressions across cultures. Guilt appears to have emerged out of cultural rather than biological determinants, all of which to me are utterly toxic.”

If there’s a secret to learning to recognize the toxicity of work guilt and release it, we all want to know what it is. Here are some strategies for women to consider.

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By Robin Madell (San Francisco)

“We live in an age of advanced technology, which provides opportunities for more efficient and flexible modes of communicating and working. Eliminating policies such as a flexible work schedule diminishes our progressive advances, and most often negatively impacts women more than men, as women are predominately the primary caretakers and are in greater need of flex time.”
–Tammy Marzigliano, Partner, Outten Golden LLP

First it was Yahoo’s decision to cut work-from-home arrangements. Now Best Buy is following suit. In the current corporate climate, flex work opportunities — previously embraced by many HR departments as good for retention and smart for business—are under increased scrutiny as struggling companies look for ways to cut corners.

What this means for employees is that those with previous telecommuting arrangements may suddenly find themselves scrambling to rebalance their work-life arrangements if corporate flex policies change. To be prepared, it’s important to be proactive by exploring steps you can take if you find yourself with a new manager who’s anti-flex work, or if someone in the chain of command says you can’t work from home anymore.

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