Unlearn, Learn and Relearn: The Key to Career Change and More Meaningful Work

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learn and relearnWith four in 10 women considering leaving their current roles, “Unlearn, Learn, Relearn” could well be the mantra for executive-level professional women looking to switch tracks to more meaningful work.

Despite the ‘passion at work paradigm’ being around for more than six decades, there are downsides to that approach. It could be a straight path to (self) exploitation, says journalist Sarah Jaffe in her book Work Won’t Love You Back. You may have heard the talk about it leading to even high-salaried staff burning out or tackling depression in the workplace.

Unlearn

Canadian academic Galen Watts, based at the Centre for Sociological Research in Belgium, writes in The Conversation that the passion pursuit could be underpinning the Great Resignation currently sweeping through the world.

He suggests first ensuring you have a robust social safety net before searching for more meaningful work. That means valuing work and your family, friends, and hobbies, not prioritizing one over the other.

Your next professional move should see you focus on work-life balance. Here’s why that’s important: McKinsey’s Women in the Workplace 2021 report shows half of female senior leaders are burned out, about 42% are exhausted, and about 32% are chronically stressed.

Before you agree to a job offer, do more than your usual due diligence in researching the work culture of the organization.

Learn: who are the key players for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) in your target industry

“Set your standards high for would-be employers regarding their diversity, equity and inclusion strategies and activities. Too many organizations focus on just the optics rather than making a difference aligned with a stronger purpose,” says Nicholas Pearce, Clinical Professor of Management & Organizations at the Northwestern University, Kellogg School of Management.

He advises looking for companies that:

  • Link their DEI efforts for individual and collective purpose
  • Prove their DEI achievements through transparency
  • Work with similar organizations to progress humanity

Those exemplars may well rise to the top anyway, as those just paying lip service will “abandon their DEI efforts”, says Pearce.

Relearn: The side hustle or internal path to entrepreneurship

You might have a hobby, interest or small business you’ve been nurturing while in full-time employment. Beware the stereotypes that may be deflecting you from entrepreneurialism.

A recent study published in Entrepreneurship Theory and Practice found that one career path doesn’t fit or describe all women. It debunked the swathe of previous research that took a broad brushstroke to all professional female entrepreneurs marking them as less-economically motivated in their concepts of success, and less qualified as managers to run businesses.

The published study found that women entrepreneurs varied, more than converged, along a “single universal prototype”. It drew on career data from more than 800 female graduates from a U.S. business school over six decades. Those researchers advocate for a career path perspective or framework that sees entrepreneurship as a series of pathways or activities over time.


Carve your own entrepreneurial path, but be aware of what stereotypes you may come up against, such as when you pitch for start-up investment, as according to Crunchbase, just 2.3% of venture capital funding goes to female-led start-ups.

If you still have a side-hustle itch, consider if your current employer has a program to identify and support corporate social intrapreneurs. Nancy McGaw, a senior advisor at the Aspen Institute’s Business & Society Program, describes such intrapreneurs as on-staff and on standby to drive needed changes.

Take the initiative rather than wait to be tapped on the shoulder. McKinsey’s Women in the Workplace 2021 report points to a ‘broken rung’ still existing – the first step up to manager level. It means companies are inadequately laying foundations for women’s sustained progress to more senior levels. In short, women are under-represented across the higher ranks of the corporate ladder, as you no doubt know.

You’re not just after a ‘job’

You might reconsider confining your career move to ‘job titles’. If you have experienced your day-to-day role verging further and further away from your ‘job description’, think how to build skills for the next role.

You can keep up to date with our nation’s demand for skills, knowledge, and abilities via the OECD’s Skills for Jobs interactive website. Here you can zero into categories of skills that interest you. Here’s how I see them roughly split into skillsets:

  1. Analyst: analytical, reflective, critical thinking, digging deep into the data
  2. Linker: human-face including the human-computer interaction
  3. Sentry: security (cyber and physical), safekeeping
  4. Artist: creative, entrepreneurial, right-brain, communications
  5. Career: health, wellness
  6. Maker: fixing and maintaining
  7. Civic: keeping the status quo, public service, foundational
  8. Sustainers: care for the earth, resources

To ensure your next move is more meaningful to you, take heed of lifelong learning – the overarching theme for unlearning, learning and relearning.



Nicholas Wyman is CEO and Founder of IWSI America. He has sought novel ways to connect youth with the jobs of the future. Wyman believes the ‘learn by doing’ approach has much to offer in a new world straddling the fault lines of a ‘skills mismatch’ and has innovated market-driven solutions to address the long-term workforce issues faced by employers, education institutions, and governments. Wyman has also built a global conversation around the need to change the status quo in job skills training. His research work and thought-leadership articles are widely published and internationally recognized, and he’s the author of Job U: How to Find Wealth and Success by Developing the Skills Companies Actually Need. He is an international expert in workforce development issues and models. Wyman has an MBA and has studied at Harvard Business School and the Kennedy School of Government and was awarded a Churchill Fellowship.

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Why Introverts Are Needed In the Workplace

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introverts at workWhen you enter the corporate world as an introvert, one of the first hurdles you may have to overcome is the societal expectation that you should behave more like an extrovert. The temptation to be someone you are not can be overwhelming and may lead to disappointment and missed opportunities. What if rather than hiding who you are, though, you were able to listen to your own wise inner voice and use your unique communication style and let your true personality shine through while also contributing tremendous value to your organizations and teams?

The reality is that if you are willing to stretch and grow and be a little bit vulnerable, if you are willing to stop being who people expect you to be and to start experimenting with being curious, listening more, and showing your real quirky self to the world, you may be surprised at the results. When you stop talking only about business, stop trying to be the loudest, smartest, most confident person in the room, you are then able to access your unique introverted abilities and wield them like a superpower.

The Advantages of Being an Introvert in Business

Let’s look at some well known introverts who demonstrate this every day. In his article, 23 of the Most Amazingly Successful Introverts in History, John Rampon tells us that many industry giants are not only introverts but their success shatters stereotypes about what it means to be an introvert in the business world. Among others he shares with us that Marissa Meyer, current Yahoo! CEO, has admitted that “I’m just geeky and shy and I like to code…” He and numerous other sources quote Bill Gates as saying, “ …if you’re clever you can learn to get the benefits of being an introvert, which might be, say, being willing to go off for a few days and think about a tough problem, read everything you can, push yourself very hard to think out on the edge of that arena.”

This comes as no surprise when you look at research done by organizational psychologist Adam Grant. His findings not only confirm that there is no real long-term difference in the effectiveness of introverted and extroverted leaders, but that in some situations, introverts actually outperform their extroverted colleagues. For example, his findings show that introverts really shine in situations where creativity and team cohesion matter. They are more likely to be better listeners and to encourage creativity and to form deep and meaningful relationships with team members.

If you think back over your own personal experiences, you may have found this to be true at times in your personal experience also. Can you remember a time when you listened deeply and collaborated with another individual only to find that you had effortlessly built a relationship without even really trying? That ability is the secret sauce that introverts often don’t even know they possess because they are trying to so hard to act like extroverts instead of tapping into their natural relationship and problem-solving abilities. When introverts tap into their unique ability to listen, collaborate, problem solve and build trust, they are a quiet but powerful force in an organization that helps share a diverse orchestra of talent that works together to create a beautiful symphony of diverse abilities.

A 2002 study by Nassbaum supports this idea and reveals that introverts are in fact more likely to work together to find solutions to problems and to listen to and ask for other people’s suggestions. They are more willing to consider new ideas and are less attached to their own personal ideas. This allows team members to feel valued and free to share their ideas and for clients to feel cared for and part of the problem-solving process when issues arise. When introverts let go of the expectation to come up with all solutions on their own and to be the most engaging person in the room and just let themselves be a safe place for others to express themselves, relationships blossom from that organically.

A study by Rehana Noman in the International Journal of Research in Medical Sciences reveals that more than 79% of introverts rely on their intuition, inner feelings and reactions to make decisions rather than making snap impulsive decisions. This is compared to 50% of extroverts who report making snap impulsive decisions on their own. The most successful introverts know their strength comes from their natural ability to listen not only to their own intuition but also to seek input from others and to cultivate deep long-term relationships one at a time. They may not woo a room of a hundred people in one fell swoop or shake 50 hands in a night, but just like the proverbial tortoise and hare, they move slowly but surely across the finish line. Over time they gather speed as one relationship leads to another and then another. Initially it may take longer for their careers to take off but the willingness to be open and vulnerable can create a feeling of reciprocity that naturally leads to long term relationships and a surprisingly large network of clients, colleagues and referral partners that form a solid foundation for growth.

Supporting Introverts Helps Your Organization Thrive

The problem comes when a workplace is set up in such a way that introverts don’t have a chance to have a voice or use their unique strengths. For instance, let’s look at another study by Adam Grant of Wharton with his colleague, Dave Hofmann of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. They studied a U.S. pizza-delivery chain and found that introverts’ strengths are often locked up simply because of the way work is structured. If in meetings only the loudest voices are given a chance to share ideas or employees are pitted against each other to find solutions, then any solutions presented will naturally come only from the extraverts and solutions that might otherwise be found are squashed by the loudest voices. On the other hand, if meetings are structured in a way that everyone has a chance to speak, or introverts are given opportunities to lead small teams, that creates a culture and space in the organization that allows room for their natural creativity, intuition, and desire to collaborate, and results follow.

How does an organization get the most of our its Introverts? It creates a work culture that allows introverts to be themselves, have a voice, to lead small groups and to have opportunities to build deep meaningful relationships one at a time. By holding space for both personality types, leaders and organizations can access the unique skillsets and characteristics that both personality types bring to the table and reap the rewards of a neurologically diverse and productive workforce.

By: Monica Parkin is a self professed introvert, an award winning International speaker, author of Overcoming Awkward, the Introverts Guide to Networking Marketing and Sales and Podcast host at the Juggling Without Balls Podcast. Find out more at monicaparkin.ca, connect with her on LinkedIn or email her at info@monicaparkin.ca

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OP-Ed: From Gaming to Gowns: Bringing More Women to Artificial Intelligence

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women in artificial intelligence Bringing more women into artificial intelligence (AI) isn’t just about gender equality. The science of AI offers the opportunity to make data more human, positively impacting nearly every aspect of our lives. Since artificial intelligence uses technology to mimic human decision-making, it is a field that requires a diversity in perspectives from the people who develop it, and yet the gender gap in AI companies limits the innovation and integrity of the products they create. If the data fed into AI algorithms contain bias, their outcomes will as well.

Research from Gartner predicts that in 2022, 85% of AI projects will deliver “erroneous outcomes owing to bias in data, algorithms or the teams responsible for managing them.” To prevent AI from furthering discrimination, we need to start by looking at the man – and the woman – in the mirror, and ensure that those creating and developing AI technology represent a spectrum of society at large.

Supporting Female Talent to Grow and Thrive

This doesn’t mean that creating a representative workplace is easy. Getting more women and diverse populations into STEM is a slow process, starting with primary education and eventually moving into universities and technical schools, encouraging and cultivating talent at every step in the process. Yet research shows that gender diversity can truly make a profound impact, even to a company’s bottom line. As the co-founder of a female-led AI company, we focus on what we can do as employers to embrace and develop female talent in the workplace. I recognize that this is only one piece of the puzzle, but through the inspiring stories I hear of female coders, engineers, and technologists, I am encouraged that even small steps can make a difference.

For those of us in the retail technology sector of AI, building a workplace in which female talent thrives is especially important, as our customers are primarily women. Yet my personal work history is rooted in a much more male-dominated side of the AI industry – gaming. I started my career at a gaming startup in San Francisco where I was the first female engineer. I noticed a palpable difference when other female engineers slowly joined the team. The team dynamic changed immensely, including the team communication and strength of interpersonal connections.

At Lily AI, our initial focus on fashion and apparel within the retail space naturally attracted women to the team more easily than gaming. As we grew the company and hired more people, it became evident that having personal experiences with online shopping – whether as a male or female – brought an additional depth of understanding to the product, and the challenges of search and personalization on e-commerce sites. Still, while our styling team is most predominantly made up of women, our engineering team has taken the most concerted effort to find a gender balance. We try to be intentional about creating diversity through hiring, through our workplace culture, and in mentoring female engineers – and are currently at over 52% women on our full-time staff, a rarity within Silicon Valley.

From our experience in growing Lily AI, we’ve found there are three main elements to focus on to help promote gender diversity:

Inspire women studying engineering


In order to have enough female talent to create gender diversity in engineering companies across the country, encouraging girls and women while they are still in school is key. Social influences still steer some girls out of STEM, and that cultural discouragement can be counteracted by showcasing female trailblazers, especially in fields like AI. We try to get out into the community, speaking to young girls and college students, offering internships and making ourselves visible as women in AI.

Encourage career growth through mentorship


Through both formal and informal mentorship programs, it is essential to be intentional about nurturing female engineers’ career paths. It is pivotal to not only hire women into AI teams, but to ensure they have the resources they need to reach leadership positions.

Create a culture that provides equal opportunities


In addition to paying women equal wages for equal work, prioritizing workplace benefits like flexible hours, remote work, and showcasing a track record of successful maternity leave is essential. My co-founder is currently on her own maternity leave, intentionally setting an example for the women and men at our company that this time away is not just offered, but encouraged, and that having a family does not stunt your career path at Lily.

There is still much work to be done in creating not only gender diversity in AI, but also a broader range of racial and social diversity within the tech industry at large. I am encouraged by progress we’ve made, such as currently having such brilliant women leaders on our board like ​​Maha Ibrahim, Vanessa Larco and Marigay McKee. These women in leadership are an inspiration to me, and will hopefully be beacons to other female talent across industries.

Sowmiya Narayanan is the co-founder and CTO of Lily AI. She previously worked in technology leadership and software engineering roles at Box, Pocket Gems, Yahoo! and Texas Instruments, and has a Masters in Electrical and Computer Engineering from the University of Texas, Austin.

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OP-Ed: The Economic Cost of the Menopause

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Lesley Tait - menopauseIs it just me or does anyone else see the revolving boardroom door contributing to the economic cost of menopause?

The conversation is warming up. It’s capturing media attention. Celebrities and even politicians are endorsing the movement to normalise the conversation. They’re shining a spotlight on the necessity to overtly acknowledge the menopause for the sake of womankind.

But there’s another angle here and that is the economic implications that are hiding in plain sight.

Menopausal women are the fastest-growing demographic in the workplace, but worldwide, they’re sliding into perimenopause at an age when they’re at the peak of their careers.

According to the ‘Women in the Workplace 2021’ report by McKinsey, it’s women who are doing more to support their teams and advance diversity, equity, and inclusion.

There’s a plethora of research suggesting that companies with a higher percentage of women in senior leadership positions, are more profitable because women bring a different mindset to the business world and their emotional intelligence is far more superior.

But this isn’t a case for supporting women in business, that’s a non-negotiable. The issue is whose supporting them in doing this critical work and to what cost if their emotional wellness is being tested, and they themselves feel under valued and isolated.

The statistics around this demonstrate the urgency. A 2021 survey conducted by Circle Health in conjunction with the Victorian Women’s Trust revealed some truths about what’s really going on in the workplace:

  • 83% of women said their work was negatively affected
  • 58% said managing their work was challenging
  • 48% struggled with a drop in confidence
  • 46% felt stressed by having to hide their experience
  • 45% considered retiring or taking a career break

The results go on to highlight the lack of support available for women in the workplace. Maybe this is due to the blissful ignorance of employers or maybe there’s an inherent embarrassment of poking around in a subject related the female reproductive system.

Another survey conducted by BUPA in conjunction with the CIPD found that three in five menopausal women, usually aged between 45 and 55 were ‘negatively affected at work’. And that ‘almost 900,000 women in the UK left their jobs over an undefined period of time because of menopausal symptoms’.

While the number of women representing board positions in FTSE 100 companies has increased there is another dimension we must consider if they’re to remain there. So what impact is menopause having on the talent pipeline?

Aside from the risk posed to the pool of talented and skilled female expertise there’s the wider impact on productivity, morale and diversity which all lead back to the bottom line. It’s estimated that 14 million working days are lost each year due to menopausal related symptoms, and in the last 3 years, menopausal related tribunal cases have tripled.

The prevalence of menopause policies is increasing but it’s not enough to just tick the menopause policy box, publish it on the intranet and assume it’s covered. It’s not, and it happens.

I worked for a FTSE 100 company for 17 years, and I know there is a policy lurking behind layers of web pages that nobody knows anything about. More importantly, it doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of supporting a woman during this transition. A menopause policy needs to be all encompassing, appeal to employees of all genders, and it needs to have a richness that really supports both the physical and mental impact on women and the ripple effect on colleagues. It needs to engage with stakeholders to understand what precisely that specific environment needs. It needs to weave into a programme that’s immersed so deeply in the culture that it creates a sense of normality. It needs to be quantifiable and the impact measurable.

But there is light on the horizon, and the world is slowly rising from its menopause slumber.

Standard Chartered Bank has partnered with the Financial Services Skills Commission (FSSC) to better understand the challenges faced by women going through the menopause transition at work, and how this impacts the talent pipeline across the UK’s financial services industry. In addition companies such as HSBC UK, Natwest Group and CMS have all been accredited as menopause friendly employers.

In one sense of the word the ‘change’ is here, and it couldn’t be further away in another. We live in an era of equality, diversity and inclusion and we all have a responsibility to play in cracking this taboo.

Look no further than the mirror. If we as women are not comfortable in saying ‘menopause’ how can we expect our husbands, partners, managers and colleagues to get on board with it. It’s easy for me, I’m immersed in my bubble of menopause. I live and breathe it day in and day out although, I admit, I wasn’t at first. What is clear to me is the more I talk about it, the more it’s accepted as the norm, so we need to lead from the front.

We are leaders, entrepreneurs, board members, and there’s no limit to our talent and capabilities. But the responsibility is twofold. As our bodies change, we have a responsibility to adapt. And while there is no legal requirement to introduce menopause policies, employers have a moral, ethical and financial obligation.

Lesley Tait is a Menopause Coach and an Emotional Wellbeing Coach. Lesley specialises in helping corporate women struggling with menopause symptoms resulting in loss of confidence, self esteem issues & performance issues, because of which life & career goals are getting derailed. Find her at: www.hersupremeself.com on LinkedIn, or write to her at lesley@hersupremeself.com

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Women in Facilities Management: An Opportunity to Lead?

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women in facilities managementIn May 2020, CNBC celebrated how the number of women running Fortune 500 companies hit an all-time high, with 37 such female CEOs, compared to 33 the year before. The actual state of affairs remains that as a group most women continue to struggle to attain an equal footing in managerial and leadership positions across most industries at the same rate as men.

A 2020 report by the ILO painted a discouraging picture: the report found that only limited progress had been made for the full and effective participation and equal opportunities of women in leadership positions in the workplace.

The report, prepared for the Empowerment and Progression of Women’s Economic Representation (EMPOWER), found that was true of every country in the G20, which includes the United States, over the past 10 years.

It gets even worse for American working women regarding the gender-based quality of their working environment, with a 2018 survey placing the United States a lowly 20th out of 29 OECD countries in the so-called ‘Glass Ceiling Index.’

“Pink” vs “blue” jobs

In a 2019 report, The Economist concluded that, even with strides made by women in typically ‘male’ industries, the tendency in the U.S. was that men still tended to pick “blue jobs” while women still opted for “pink jobs”. This, unfortunately, seems to prevail in the facilities management industry.

Women in Facilities Management, the only professional organization in the U.S. focused solely on furthering the advancement of women in commercial facilities management, notes that “…even today, facilities management continues to be one of the most male-dominated career paths”. The same organization cites a recent study that found that men still outnumber women in facilities management leadership roles by an astounding nine to one.

For the record, male-dominated occupations are those that have 25% or fewer women in them, which could certainly describe the facilities management industry in the U.S.

Benefits of more women in facilities management

Generally, there are many benefits to having more women in management positions. A major survey of 745 female and male corporate leaders conducted by the Center for Creative Leadership found that workplaces with more women tended to be better to work for all employees, regardless of gender. Employees in those organizations also felt more dedication to their organization and found their work more meaningful work. Interestingly, they also suffered less from burnout.

Industry experts have asserted that women could actually be uniquely qualified for leadership roles in facilities management. How so? It mostly boils down to emotional intelligence (EQ). Women, who tend to have higher EQ rates than men, benefit from attributes such as self-awareness, self-management, strong social skills, and, very importantly, empathy.

Even for a mostly technical, ‘nuts and bolts’ industry such as facilities management, every one of those attributes can only be beneficial for employees, resulting in higher productivity rates and overall efficiency. This is backed by research specific to the industry that found that gender-diverse teams make better decisions and are better at complex problem-solving. It was also shown that having more female leadership resulted in improved work culture.

Case studies: successful women in FM

Fortunately, there is a growing number of American women who have risen to leadership positions within the FM industry. This only bodes well for the industry. Below are three such case studies:

Case study 1: Cheryl Carron

Cheryl Carron is the Global Operations Lead for Integrated Facilities Management (IFM) and Experience Services (ES) for JLL Work Dynamics. She leads a global team of experts that enable the delivery of IFM and ES products and services to the company’s clients worldwide. Charron has had a career spanning nearly 30 years in real estate and integrated facilities management. Prior to joining JLL Work Dynamics in May 2021, Cheryl served as President of IFM, North America, for Sodexo, the latter of which has won numerous quality workplace-related awards in recent years.

Case study 2: Elizabeth Vasek

Elizabeth Vasek is a facilities manager at the Ford Foundation in New York City. She has openly discussed how she encountered a lot of “mansplaining” early in her career, which included men explaining technical terms to her in a patronizing tone. She did find this intimidating but found that she could overcome these sexist obstacles by asserting herself and not being afraid to ask questions when needed. She found that having a mentor and being part of a network of fellow women professionals helped immensely in building her knowledge and growing her self-esteem.

Case study 3: Jill Frey

Jill Frey is the owner and president of Cummins Facility Services (CFS), a national multi-faceted facility management company based in Marion, Ohio, that services Fortune 500 companies across the US. CFS is a 100% female-owned enterprise that provides janitorial, landscaping, snow removal, HVAC, security, floor care, and light maintenance services to clients in various industries. Frey took over managing the family business in 1994 and turned it into the FM success story that it is today.

“Every ceiling, when reached, becomes a floor”

In the conclusion of this article, it’s worth noting what Michelle Bachelet, the former President of Chile, once said: “Educational equality doesn’t guarantee equality on the labor market. Even the most developed countries are not gender-equal. There are still glass ceilings and ‘leaky pipelines’ that prevent women from getting ahead in the workplace.”

Her analogy of glass ceilings and leaky pipelines seems tailor-made for the facilities management industry.

It’s an industry that will undoubtedly benefit from a growing and more equitable number of women in leadership roles. And every woman in the FM industry would do well to remember the words of the brilliant author, Aldous Huxley: “Every ceiling, when reached, becomes a floor.”

Bryan Christiansen is the founder and CEO of Limble CMMS. Limble is a modern, easy-to-use mobile CMMS software that takes the stress and chaos out of maintenance by helping managers organize, automate, and streamline their maintenance operations.

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Op-ED: The Power of Intentioning: Are you ready to answer the #1 most important question for your life?

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Power of IntentionGloria Feldt, Co-Founder & President of Take The Lead, shares on the life-changing power of intentioning for women, as revealed in her newest book.

On a spectacular Arizona day in late January, 2020, when you can be lulled into thinking all’s right with the world, I was hiking with a friend. Then boom! I tripped on an unseen pebble, put my hand out to catch myself and knew immediately from the snap and the pain that I had broken my wrist. The first broken bone I’d ever had.

It’s never the mountains that trip you up. It’s the pebbles on the path.

Within 6 weeks, as everything shut down because the whole world had been tripped up by coronavirus, I realized I should have seen it as an omen. The year of broken bones I called it. Broken almost everything. More like two years now. And when will it stop?

We’ve all been through a difficult time of so much loss and grief.

The pandemic tripped us up. Ground us to a halt. Changed so much about how we see the world and each other. Maybe it changed how you envision your career and life from now on.

So there’s no better time to answer the question that prompted me to write my book, Intentioning: Sex, Power, Pandemics, and How Women Will Take The Lead for (Everyone’s) Good. This is without a doubt the #1 question you need to answer to be in the driver’s seat for the rest of your life, not the backseat wondering where life is going to take you next.

Your power TO WHAT?

What does that mean? Here’s the backstory.

I started writing Intentioning well before Covid-19 reared its ugly head. I interviewed over a dozen women whose stories form the basis for a new set of Leadership Intentioning tools to build on the 9 Leadership Power Tools in my last book, No Excuses: 9 Ways Women Can Change How We Think About Power.

In No Excuses, I explored women’s culturally learned relationships with power. I realized ambivalence about power was a key to why women hadn’t reached parity in leadership of any sector despite all we’d done to open doors and change laws. So much female potential was not being realized.

We needed a different idea about power than the oppressive narrative of history that’s based in fighting and wars and the assumption of scarce resources. By shifting the paradigm to the expansive, creative, generative, abundant idea of power TO, women’s would say, “I want that kind of power.”

Now, after a decade of teaching and coaching women how to embrace their power on their own terms, I realized the necessary next step is to ask, “the power TO WHAT? How am I going to use my power once I know I have it?”

Your answer will enable you to clarify your intentions.

Identifying and getting what you want out of life can seem like a daunting task, even more right now, when you may be uncertain about whether you’ll be working from home, whether your children will be safe, and if your job will exist at all. And it isn’t automatic that a woman will want to walk through an open door or even see it as a possibility. She may feel ignored or not respected, exhausted from experiencing microaggressions. She may fear she’ll be passed over for a promotion at work, that it’s too late to start over when her profession or company changes, or that for whatever reason she’s not good enough.

This doesn’t have to be how you live your life and I don’t want it to be that way for you.

Yes, the COVID-19 pandemic and another pandemic of belatedly acknowledged racial injustice created huge disruptions in every part of our economy and social structures.

But that is, or can become, a good thing.

We are in a season of disruption. We are in a season of rebirth. The two have much in common.

Disruptions of this magnitude are the best opportunity we will ever have to make long needed structural changes. Because when the world is in chaos, people and organizations have to think differently to survive. Ideas that wouldn’t have been considered previously become solutions.

So here’s a quick overview of the 9 Leadership Intentioning Tools that will enable you to achieve your goals once you answer that #1 question for yourself:

The Self-Definitional Leadership Intentioning Tools

  • Uncover Yourself – what sets you apart is what gets you ahead, and the keys to your best future are already in your hands
  • Dream Up – if your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough.
  • Believe in the Infinite Pie – when we use our power to build rather than rule over others, we learn that the more there is for everyone, the more there is to go around.

The Counterintuitive Leadership Intentioning Tools

  • Modulate Confidence – self-doubt can have a positive value.
  • Strike Your Own Damn Balance (and love your stress) – you get to choose what matters to you and reject the rest.
  • Build Social Capital – relationships are everything and will ultimately help you as much as educational qualifications or work experience.

The Systems Change Leadership Intentioning Tools

  • Be “Unreasonable” – sometimes you have to break the rules and invent new ones to get where you want to go.
  • Unpack Implicit Bias and Turn Its Effects on Its Head – you can make its effects your superpowers.
  • Clang Your Symbols – they create meaning, which brings others into the story, the most essential function of leadership.

I wish you great intentioning.

Bio: Gloria Feldt is the Co-Founder & President of Take The Lead: Breakthrough diversity and women’s leadership  solutions for individuals and companies, and author of Intentioning: Sex, Power, Pandemics, and How Women Will Take The Lead for (Everyone’s) Good. On her website, you can get her free workbook that accompanies the book and will help you answer your #1 question, get the most from these tools, and make a plan to achieve your highest and best intentions.

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How Neurodiversity Can Enhance Your Organization

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neurodiversityRoben Dunkin, chief operations and innovation officer at PGIM, talks about the importance of neurodiversity in creating a culture of innovation in the workplace.

A Lesson From Mom

When she was just a little girl, Roben Dunkin received one of the biggest lessons that would later help shape her nearly three decades in the finance industry, most recently as chief operations and innovation officer at PGIM, the $1.5 trillion asset management business of Prudential Financial Inc. It was a lesson she learned from her mother, a teacher at a school for children on the autism spectrum. Meeting the children her mother worked with and seeing how she related to them was eye opening.

“The autism spectrum is such a broad range of so many different ways the brain works,” Dunkin says. “I could see my mom’s frustration, because the ability to communicate for some of these kids wasn’t there. But at the same time, I saw her compassion and patience. She found a way to understand what each one of them needed and she found a way to get through. She never gave up on anyone.”

That experience was something that stuck with her as she began her career in finance at Lehman Brothers, where she rose to global head of sales and investment banking technology.

“What I learned from my mom actually makes me a good manager—having that patience, and really trying to understand the different levels of how people communicate with each other,” Dunkin says. “It’s not just people with autism, everyone is so different and kind of quirky in their own way. Within my own family, we have a lot of dyslexia and ADHD. When you grow up with that around you, you learn that some people need extra time and attention to bring out their best. And their best might astound you. Not everyone understands that. They think if someone has one of those conditions, they’re not smart, or they’re not good enough.”

After Lehman’s failure in the financial crisis, Dunkin joined Credit Suisse and became a leader in the firm’s technology organization. In a position to influence the company’s talent strategy, she set her sights on changing management’s perception of what traits made a valuable employee.

The Great Untapped Population

“Everyone seems to understand now how important diversity is to a company, but too often, they overlook a large part of our population that is truly underserved, but also incredibly talented—one that crosses, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation and national origin,” Dunkin says. “People across the neurodiverse spectrum, which includes everything from Asperger’s and autism to ADHD and dyslexia, have to face a stigma. Their levels of unemployment are quite higher than the general population—as high as 80%.”

And yet, Dunkin points out, even if someone doesn’t have any of these conditions, they almost certainly know someone who does.

“Earlier in my career, one of my peers had a son who had Asperger’s syndrome and couldn’t get a job. And we talked about how so many people who are on the spectrum, their brains think differently—sometimes they can see patterns other people can’t, they go about solving problems differently, and that can be a good thing. We started just kind of brainstorming, asking, ‘What can we do about this?’”

The idea that Dunkin and her colleague eventually developed was to actively seek out neurodiverse individuals for a pilot program in data science—specifically, to identify anomalies in data surrounding trade fails. Trade fails can happen when there are mistakes in processing or mismatched information, and they can be a costly problem for a firm. One of the goals of Roben’s team was to discover if there were particular clients, types of trades, or other patterns that would help them identify where problems might occur. While AI and machine learning could parse huge amounts of data, the computers had their limitations. There were still reams of data to filter out.

Participants in the pilot program, as it turned out, were quick to find patterns others had missed. “They were able to look at the data and pinpoint the issue, pinpoint the problem. They had the ability to redirect the technology to ask the right questions. That’s such a specific skill set that most of us really have to learn. There seemed to be an innate ability in some of the people that we were working with to be able to do that,” Dunkin says. “It was just really impressive the amount of positive feedback that we got from people working with the individuals in the pilot program. And those participants—they were so thrilled to be employed and really contribute. It was so rewarding on so many levels.”

Dunkin doesn’t want to make it sound simple, because it isn’t. A lot of legwork went into making sure the program was set up for success.

The Right Goals, The Right People, The Right Projects

It’s the same work Dunkin is putting in now to establish the neurodiversity program at PGIM, with one big difference.

“We’re not looking to narrowly focus this on one area of the business,” Dunkin says. “Individuals on the spectrum have skills and interests that are just as diverse as their neurotypical peers, and we see this as something we want all our asset managers to be involved in and benefit from.”

That begins with a firm commitment from the top.

“Neurodiversity can be a very emotional topic,” Dunkin says. “Recently we had a panel with many of our senior leaders at PGIM, some with children who are on the spectrum, even leaders who identify as neurodiverse themselves. The head of our largest asset management business spoke at length about his two sons who have autism. We had hundreds of employees attend and it was game changing for a lot of people who were able to put their hand up and self-identify. We broke through a lot of walls.”

Secondly, for a neurodiversity program to succeed, managers need to be trained and prepared to work with individuals who may miss social cues. Those managers need to be clear about expectations and literal about tasks.

“Cues and signals that we might expect would be normal are not normal for a lot of people on the spectrum. So you have to ask questions differently—you have to be more nuanced, and can’t worry about body language and eye contact. Job interviewers and managers should be able to understand how to engage with people differently,” Dunkin says. “It’s important to learn where someone is on the spectrum and understand how to help them thrive and deliver their very best. Do they feel more comfortable emailing, do they not do well in a group setting? You want to always be learning how you can give and receive feedback so you can course correct relatively quickly.”

The remote work environment brought on by the pandemic has added to this challenge.

“In some cases, if you talk to some of the people who are on the spectrum, they’re loving remote work, because they don’t have to interact with people in person,” Dunkin says. “At the same time, for a manager, it makes it even more difficult to engage with that individual and make sure they feel included.”

Finally, Dunkin says you need to connect individuals with the right projects, with a clear business case and business value.

“You can’t necessarily put someone on a trading desk environment, but you can put someone on in a data science role. So it’s being very clear about matching the person and the right skill set with the right job and being really explicit about what you’re aiming to accomplish,” Dunkin says.

Why all this matters

“The financial services industry is struggling to hold onto talent,” Dunkin says. “And here is a talent pool that is able and willing to work, and has skills to contribute in the right roles.”

Her prior experience tells her the effort is worth it.

“It’s hard to find data scientists—you can’t train them fast enough. And we know there’s high attrition rates in data science—when you train them, they leave. But our neurodiverse employees in the pilot program were super loyal. We built a team of data scientists from scratch who were able to help us leapfrog ahead quite drastically to meet our goals. We’d done right by them, we gave them a chance, and they rewarded us by staying with the company.”

Dunkin believes that attention paid to neurodiversity in an organization has a much wider impact on company culture, leading to better outcomes for all employees.

“The pandemic has been a very challenging time,” she says. “We’re all uncomfortable, we’re all re-learning how to interact with each other, we’re all working differently. We all need compassion and patience. If we’re not using this moment to identify talented individuals inside and outside our organizations and do what we need to do to support them, then we’re wasting a golden opportunity.”

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OP-Ed: The Three Personality Traits Most Prone To Burnout

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burnoutFirst, let’s get one thing straight: burnout is not an individual problem; it’s an organizational problem that requires an organizational solution. Self-care has been the prevention strategy du jour for decades. And yet burnout is on the rise. Why? Because we’re ignoring the systemic and institutional factors that are the real causes of burnout – things like workload, lack of control, poor relationships, and other root causes that cannot be solved with yoga and vacation time.

If you are feeling burned out, know that it’s not your fault. But focusing on what we can do to help ourselves is the part we can control in a world full of the uncontrollable. And if you happen to exhibit one of the following personality traits, you are more prone to burnout.

Neuroticism

Neuroticism is one of the “big five” higher-order personality traits in the study of psychology. If you dig into the definition, it makes sense that this trait correlates to higher rates of burnout. Individuals who score high on the neuroticism scales are more likely than average to be moody and to experience such feelings as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness. People who are neurotic respond worse to stressors and are more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening and minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult.

In her 2018 dissertation, “The Relationship Between Big Five Personality Traits and Burnout: A Study Among Correctional Personnel,” Sharon Maylor of Walden University found that neuroticism was the only personality trait that was associated with all three dimensions of burnout.

Conversely, it’s important to see the value in this personality type. We tend to give personality traits like these a bad rap, but there are upsides. People with the neuroticism trait tend to be:

  • Highly analytical and hyperaware of threats or dangers
  • Cautious and less likely to make impulsive decisions
  • More accountable and will take personal responsibility for errors

There are obvious potential benefits to tending toward neuroticism on the team, but you need to be mindful of the downside to avoid burnout.

Introversion

It is a myth that introverts fear or dislike others and are shy and lonely. This is not the case. They simply have nervous systems more suited to spending time in a calm environment with one or a few friends.

Although their nervous systems may be dissimilar to those of extroverts, that doesn’t mean that introverts aren’t just as effective. “Extroverts are routinely chosen for leadership positions and introverts are looked over, although introverts often deliver better outcomes. They’re not perceived as leadership material,” says Susan Cain, bestselling author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and a frequent speaker on introversion and extroversion in the workplace.

According to Cain’s research, the power of introverts can be identified in the following behaviors. They:

  • Tend to be more productive than extroverts and less likely to become distracted
  • Explore subjects in more depth
  • Are great listeners, which helps them in problem-solving scenarios
  • Are often creators; writers and artists are more likely to identify as introverted
  • Have a strong capacity for empathy
  • Are moderators and can calm stressful situations
  • Are more cautious and better at managing risk

However, since the physical office can be a highly social place, research suggests that introverted people are at greater risk of developing burnout than extroverted people.

Introverts working virtually in most situations, minus a global lockdown, are removed from the noise, the hustle and bustle of a buzzing office, the potential disruptions that cause a lack of psychological safety, and the pressure to conform to those office norms. What if we made workplaces free of these kinds of strain?

Just ask Cain, who shared in our interview, “The best workspaces allow people to move freely between solo and shared spaces. Sometimes we want to work alone. Sometimes we crave company. Sometimes we want both of these things in the space of a single morning. Why not design around these natural preferences? Radically open office plans don’t actually increase collaboration or decrease loneliness. On the contrary, they create giant rooms full of worker bees wearing headphones.”

Perfectionism

If you’re prone to perfectionism—specifically, perfectionism concerns— you run a high risk of burning out. Broadly defined, perfectionism is a combination of exceedingly high standards and a preoccupation with extreme self-critical evaluation. Scientists Joachim Stoeber from the University of Kent discovered that our desire and subsequent efforts to achieve perfectionism are acceptable as long as we can emotionally handle scenarios when we don’t achieve it. When we start to believe that everything we do must be perfect and anything less means a failure, or that others may judge us as a failure, then this becomes detrimental to our mental health.

Someone who struggles with perfectionist concerns may exhibit the following traits:

  • Maintaining a rigid self-evaluative style that looks at events in all- or-nothing terms, for example, you’re either a winner or a loser.
  • Overgeneralizing negative events by making a rule after a single event or a series of coincidences. For example, someone is passed over for a promotion, and the narrative is now, “I will never move up in this company.” These “always” or “never” statements frequently appear in a perfectionist’s vocabulary.
  • Ruminating about past failures. Being unable to let go of mistakes and assuming they will come up again in the future.
  • Having a strong need for self-validation, for example, always questioning their self-worth. In some situations, they will subconsciously seek out ways to prove they are “right.” They believe their self-worth is constantly threatened.

According to researchers Andrew Hill and Thomas Curran in their article “Multidimensional Perfectionism and Burnout: A Meta- Analysis,” “Perfectionistic concerns are associated with considerable strain that render individuals vulnerable to the accrual of stress and subsequent burnout. In summarizing current understanding of the perfectionism–burnout relationship, then, it is the harsh self-evaluative processes central to perfectionistic concerns that are understood to fuel the perfectionism–burnout relationship, rather than perfectionistic strivings.”

Authors Mick Oreskovich and James Anderson suggest that we need to consider the following, if we experience perfectionist concerns:

  1. Identify the difference between power versus powerlessness over people, places, things, and situations; if we stop trying to control everything, we will find more joy. It may be a challenge to surrender, but it is necessary to prevent burnout.
  2. Understand the differences between self-knowledge and self-awareness (self-knowledge is what we believe to be true about ourselves; self-awareness is seeing ourselves as others see us). These insights are rarely the same yet are equally important.
  3. Accept help.
  4. Take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others.

Jennifer Moss is an award-winning journalist, author, and international public speaker. She is a nationally syndicated radio columnist, reporting on topics related to happiness and workplace well-being. She is the author of THE BURNOUT EPIDEMIC: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It.

{Reprinted by permission of Harvard Business Review Press. Excerpted from The Burnout Epidemic: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It by Jennifer Moss. Copyright 2021 Jennifer Moss. All rights reserved.}

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Op-Ed: Back to School Strategies for Working Parents As School Resumes

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Daisy DowlingBeyond the kids’ health and safety, nothing is as important to you as their education.  Here’s what to know and do as they head back to school this (unusual) fall.

But if you’re busy adapting to the pandemic “next normal” – and simultaneously concerned that your five-year-old will have a difficult time adjusting to the school routine, that your eight-year-old will need help with her science homework, and that those standardized tests are looming, too, it puts you in a real bind.

With some special working parent tactics and approaches, however, you’ll be better able to handle all of those details and logistics while focusing on the piece that really matters: your child’s overall academic development and long-term success in school. Where to start in terms of handling the current working-parent “school challenge”? By taking charge in three educational areas that can be the most challenging for you as a working mom or dad.

Homework

Homework can all too often morph into an overwhelming, time-consuming exercise that ends past bedtime, in power struggles and tears. What should be a simple algebra worksheet can leave you feeling torn: of course you want your child to succeed academically, practice resilience, and feel comfortable tackling new challenges—but when you’ve got so little time to spend together each evening, the last thing you want to do is spend it carping at your child to finish her assignment, or checking it for errors. So:

  • Figure out an organizational system that works. Review your calendars together at the start of the week so that you and your child both know what’s coming as far as homework, quizzes, and tests; set up special baskets to hold uncompleted assignments and library books to be returned; and have your child lead “backpack check” each evening. Make it age-appropriate, but do find your system.
  • Emphasize that homework is your child’s, rather than a family, responsibility. Even if you plan to review your son’s Spanish conjugations, let him know that you’re there to help when he’s truly stuck, not to remind, nag, proofread, or otherwise serve as unpaid labor. As he grows, help him think ahead about bigger projects. As the science fair approaches, for example, ask “what’s your plan?” for making the papier-mâché volcano rather than leading the project yourself.
  • Hold a family study hall each evening. The kids do their homework, while you catch up on office emails or reading. Pick a reasonable length of time—ten minutes for a young child, ninety for a teenager, for example—and set a timer on your phone to go off when time’s up. When it does, the whole family gets to enjoy downtime or a relaxing activity like watching a favorite TV program together.
After-school activities—and ways to think about them

After-school activities can supplement your child’s education in wonderful ways, help you “stretch” care arrangements, and bring an element of fun into the relentless homework-and-testing cycle of modern education.

Taken too far, however, after-school activities can put terrible pressure on any working-parent family. Here’s how to keep perspective, ensure that extracurricular activities remain a positive, and make the choices that are right for you.

  • Avoid using activities to plug an emotional hole. It can be easy, if you feel guilty about working long hours, to “compensate” by stretching to pay for expensive ballet lessons or by spending all weekend, every weekend, focused on your child’s chess tournaments. And you may try to convince yourself that success on the stage or playing field now will make your child’s later life much easier. But overpaying, overscheduling, and overextending will only make working parenthood harder, and very likely reduce the benefits those same activities are supposed to bring.
  • Stay neutral and balanced. For each potential extracurricular activity, carefully consider its pluses and minuses. If it helps your child academically or socially and doesn’t require huge expense or time investment, great. If it makes scheduling and logistics easier, even better. But beware activities that leave you feeling like you’ve got yet another job to do.
  • Go slow. For driven professionals, it can be tempting to cram in as many extracurricular activities as possible, and do each one to the max. But your child doesn’t have an adult’s focus, energy, or drive, and her livelihood doesn’t depend on her performance on this field just yet. Set reasonable limits—e.g., one after-school activity per week or one sport per season—and let your kid say no if she wants to. Remind yourself that you can always sign up next semester, or as she grows and her interests change.
Volunteering—and how to do it efficiently

It’s unlikely you can make it to every school performance, library fundraiser, and field trip, even if you wanted to. So here’s what you can do instead. In the first week of school, tell your child’s teachers and/or the school’s volunteer coordinators that you’re eager to put in your fair share of sweat equity—but that you will be doing it all in one go. You’ll schedule a personal or vacation day well in advance and use it entirely for school volunteerism.

Maybe you’ll be the “reading helper” in your daughter’s class in the morning, walk the school’s neighborhood safety patrol in the afternoon, and take the minutes during the school fundraising-committee meeting at 5:00 p.m. When the day is over, you’ll enjoy knowing that your yearly contribution has been made in full—and efficiently. That “I’m not doing enough” guilt will go away, and you’ll be able to focus back on family and career.

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Copyright line: Reprinted by permission of Harvard Business Review Press. Adapted from Workparent: The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the Job, Staying True to Yourself, and Raising Happy Kids by Daisy Dowling. Copyright 2021 Daisy Dowling. All rights reserved.

Daisy Dowling is the author of Workparent: The Complete Guide to Succeeding on the Job, Staying True to Yourself, and Raising Happy Kids (HBR Press, 2021). She is the founder and CEO of Workparent, an executive coaching, and training firm dedicated to helping working parents lead more successful and satisfying lives. She is a full-time working parent to two young children.

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OP-Ed: Six Hallmarks Of Rebuilding Strong Relationships at Work

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relationships at workAs we come out of the pandemic, rebuilding strong relationships at work will require special attention. Strong relationships are crucial for success and satisfaction – they determine the extent to which our managers, direct reports and even colleagues outside our area provide us the information, resources, and support we need as well as their openness to influence and willingness to work out difficulties.

Those relationships have suffered during the last 18 months. Tasks have been more foregrounded and personal connection backgrounded, as Zoom exhaustion, phone and email replaced the informal in-person contact that often builds connection.

Returning to working in person creates opportunities to build and rebuild strong, functional relationships. And there are challenges. We can’t just “flip a switch” and return to how it was before. Jobs have changed, and so have our needs. Some colleagues left and new ones were hired who we haven’t met in person. Some are happy to be back, others aren’t. Old habits and approaches might no longer work. We feel pressured to make up for lost time, leaving us without the luxury of letting new relationships develop over time. What to do?

We have studied what it takes to proactively build strong relationships quickly at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business for decades and know that relationships exist on a continuum from contact with no connection/casual to closer/more personal and ultimately to what we call exceptional. There are six hallmarks to moving along that continuum.

Six Hallmarks of Relationship Building

The first is I can be more fully myself and so can you. With someone new we tend to be cautious. As the relationship develops, we disclose more, which decreases misunderstandings and increases ways to connect. It also encourages the other to share, since disclosure tends to be reciprocal.

This relates to the second hallmark: both of you are willing to be vulnerable. What can I do to encourage you to disclose besides initiating? I can learn how to ask questions that convey I really want to know you and what matters to you. Reciprocal sharing and vulnerability build trust and understanding.

Disclosure feels risky. The third hallmark is therefore trust that what I share will not be used against me. That trust is built over time as you each take incrementally larger risks in becoming known to each other.

Fourth is, a willingness to be honest with each other. Do I know that you mean what you say so I don’t have to read between the lines or worry about what you are withholding and vice versa?

As we share more of ourselves, deepen our relationship, and work together, disagreements are inevitable, and conflicts might emerge. The fifth hallmark is dealing with disagreements and conflict productively in ways that further build the relationship.

The final hallmark is both of us are committed to each other’s growth. This may require raising difficult issues and giving challenging feedback, in service of each other’s learning and development.

Applying the Hallmarks In the Office

As we emerge from the pandemic, here is how these come into play. You have just returned to working in person and someone new has joined the team who you’ve never met or worked with. There are also team members with whom you are at the “mere contact” end of the continuum and others with whom you are a bit farther along. With some you are close. Maybe you have mixed feelings about some of these people. A couple of incidents during Zoom meetings annoyed you, which you didn’t raise. Time and performance pressures necessitate you move these relationships along the continuum to functional and robust quickly.

There are multiple ways to develop relationships and what is effective with one person might not be with another. With the new hire, you might start with sharing more of yourself as well as finding out how they like to get work done. For those where the relationship is not strong, talking about how each of you want to relate might help. In those cases where you’ve had negative interactions, it might be important to have an honest conversation about how to move past that and explore what there is to be learned.

People also differ in how they like to get work done. Some like to plan first, others like to take action to gather early data. Some are comfortable with risk, others more cautious, and so forth. Each of us has a strong preference for our style and yet organizations need them all.

In strong relationships we each leverage our style and work together productively. What do we do with conflict that arises when our styles differ? We learned firsthand when working together. David is a divergent thinker, always coming up with new ideas. Carole is more convergent and wants to “cut to the chase.” In discussing this openly, we realized we needed each other. If David was dominant, we might never have finished our book – if Carole’s was, our final product might not have been as good.

Returning to the office will require we double down on efforts to establish new relationships and reestablish previous ones. We can’t afford to “just let things develop.” We will have to make more intentional, conscious efforts. Doubling down requires paying even closer attention to how others get their work done and talking openly about preferences. We may need to be explicit and proactive. “I’m glad to respond to your requests, but it works better for me when I have advanced warning” could be all it takes.

Doubling down also means becoming aware of and willing to discuss entirely new issues, such as people’s preferences for in-person, hybrid or working at home for health reasons. We may need to be clearer about how tasks are to be divided up and handed off. Learning to empathize with someone whose pandemic experience (and post pandemic reality) is very different from ours will also matter.

We’ll need to respond differently to small annoyances, which are more likely when starting or reestablishing relationships. Your way of working bothers me a bit. But rather than just shoving my frustration under the rug and blaming you, this could be a sign we have something to work on and an opportunity for mutual learning and a better relationship.

To do this we will have to acknowledge the legitimacy of different approaches and further develop our problem-solving skills. It is less useful to try to convince the other and more useful to jointly explore what will work for both of us. That process, rather than distancing us, can further reestablish healthy work relationships and build even stronger ones.

Everything is unlikely to work out from the beginning, even with proactive outreach. Building and rebuilding relationships is a process that requires learning from what doesn’t work as much as from what does. It demands persistence, intention, and patience. But quickly building and rebuilding stronger relationships is well worth the effort.

David Bradford, Ph.D. is the Eugene O’Kelly II Senior Lecturer Emeritus in Leadership at Stanford Graduate School of Business, where he helped develop Interpersonal Dynamics (aka “Touchy Feely”) as well as much of the school’s leadership curriculum. He is the author of numerous books, including Managing for Excellence, Influence Without Authority, and Power Up. He lives in Berkeley, California, with his wife of more than fifty years.



Carole Robin, Ph.D. was the Dorothy J. King Lecturer in Leadership and Director of the Arbuckle Leadership Fellows Program at Stanford Graduate School of Business before co-founding Leaders in Tech, which brings the principles and process of “Touchy Feely” to executives in Silicon Valley. Prior to coming to Stanford, she had careers in sales and marketing management and was a partner in two consulting firms. She lives in San Francisco, California, with her husband of 36 years.

A fuller description of these six hallmarks and how to use them to build relationships can be found in CONNECT: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues by co-authors David Bradford and Carole Robin. Crown Random House, New York. 2021. Their book also contains the lessons of “Touchy Feely” that thousands of students have consistently described for decades as life changing. Available in hardcover, audible and Kindle versions HERE.

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