The Guilt Gap: Why Women Feel More Guilt Than Men and How to Overcome It
The guilt gap doesn’t just affect individuals. When researchers asked men and women to list reasons they typically feel guilty, women listed more than men when considering their personal and professional lives.
If you share that internalized guilt, it doesn’t have to follow you around forever. Learn more about why the guilt gap exists and how to overcome it.
1. Feeling Rushed to Achieve Milestones?
Everyone’s felt the pressure to reach a big milestone. Whether that’s graduating from college, landing your dream job or starting a family, the stress can lead to guilt when you don’t accomplish those things quickly.
You’re not alone if the pressure stresses you out. A recent survey found 40% of Americans feel like they haven’t reached their life milestones fast enough. When stress turns into guilt, it’s time to shift your perspective.
Solution: Focus on Your Accomplishments
Recognizing and celebrating your accomplishments can reverse the guilt that may come with working toward long-term goals. Instead of looking at your timeline negatively, reflect on how many incredible things you’ve done in the meantime. Setting aside time to do this regularly could battle your guilt on your journey toward your goals.
2. Feeling a Sense of Competition?
Women may feel a more significant guilt gap in the workplace if there’s a toxic environment. A sense of competition among co-workers can be healthy — unless it becomes all-consuming. The result is a sense of frustration that may lead to guilty worries that you’re never doing enough to be worthy of your spot on your team.
Research backs the reality of women feeling pushed or called to do more in their jobs. A recent study found women have significantly higher corporate social responsibility than men — especially in the first decade or two of their careers.
Solution: Practice Saying No
Telling someone no means you’re reserving time for your mental health. You’ll have less stress, which might be the primary factor intensifying your guilt.
However, you might also feel guilty when you say no to someone. It’s easy to think spreading yourself thin is healthy because it helps others. In reality, it only leads to burnout that takes the joy from your daily life.
Practice saying no to little things and work up to bigger things. It’s a healthy way to value your time and mental health. Use your reserved time for more practical efforts, like self-care habits or resting. There will always be other opportunities to grow or help others when your guilt and stress aren’t draining your energy.
3. Feeling Guilty About Your Self-Care?
When parts of your life feel unmanageable or outside your control, the daily stress and anxiety can negatively affect your mental health. Self-care is a helpful resource to reduce that stress, but you might feel guilty about taking time for yourself.
Researchers found that 19% of single women feel selfish for setting aside time for their self-care. The same research concluded that 86% of married women feel the same way. Selfish feelings can come with extra guilt because you don’t want to let anyone down by spending time on yourself.
Solution: Pursue Healing With Self-Care
Life isn’t always perfect for anyone, so you’ll need self-care to maintain your mental health at any age. This guilt that comes with taking time for yourself can be extra exhausting if you’re one of the 31% of millennials with depression or another mental health condition.
It’s harder to process and release lingering stress when your mental health feels frayed. Self-care habits ensure you’re putting your needs first so things like stress and anxiety don’t degrade your quality of life.
Consider which activities or habits might relax you the most. An evening walk, an aromatherapy diffuser or an adult coloring book could reduce the anxiety triggering your guilt. Research shows self-care behaviors are equally effective at home compared to socialized environments. You don’t need to attend an in-person yoga class or exercise group to improve your mental health.
Starting healthier self-care habits may require the hard work of setting your negative feelings aside. As you get used to prioritizing your needs, the sense of selfishness and corresponding guilt will fade with practice.
4. Feeling Guilty for Pursuing Your Career?
Whether through messages they receive from loved ones, movies or TV shows, women can feel pressured to have specific chapters in their lives. People might have celebrated you starting a career after graduating college, but eventually, they started talking about when you would get married, settle down and start a family.
Those things can bring some women immense joy. Other women want to focus on their careers. When you’re caught in the middle, research shows gender stereotypes trigger guilt when women work longer hours and pursue their careers more purposefully. This specific guilt may feel impossible to overcome, but it’s manageable if you prioritize your dreams.
Solution: Cheer Yourself Toward Your Goals
Overcoming this guilt requires daily work, but it could bring you peace. Commit to cheering yourself on when you wake up each day. Everyone has the right to live a life that makes them happy — career-oriented people are no exception to that rule.
If you aren’t sure which path will make you most happy, consider making a pros-and-cons list. Compare potential futures and listen to your gut instinct. Whichever seems most enjoyable to you will give you the confidence you need to overcome this particular type of guilt.
5. Feeling Like You Can’t Make Mistakes?
When women carry immense responsibilities, letting one of them fall to the side can feel devastating. Guilt may crop up when simple mistakes happen because you don’t want to let anyone down.
One study found that women feel more guilt when they don’t care for their loved ones efficiently. Making mistakes of all sizes account for 10.5% of the reasons participants felt guilty every day. It was the largest mistake category for both men and women, with women feeling the worst about mistakes that compromised their loved ones’ care.
Although no one wants to make mistakes purposefully, the stress of fearing mistakes isn’t healthy. People make accidental bad choices every day. No one can live a life without doing things they regret.
Solution: Look for the Lesson
It’s much easier to use this guilt positively when you reflect on your mistakes. See if you can learn a lesson from the moments that make guilt follow you like a shadow. Was there something you could have done differently? If so, make a purposeful commitment to avoid the same mistake in the future. Acknowledge how your guilt helped you learn and let it go.
If you can’t find a lesson from your guilt, that’s fine, too. It won’t always appear after a learning opportunity. When that happens, it may help to thank your instincts for trying to learn and help you grow. Let your mind know everything’s OK so it can relax. It may ease your guilt back to a manageable level where you can release it or let it passively simmer until it evaporates.
Start Erasing the Guilt Gap
Guilt could make you feel locked into place or shamed away from your dreams. Overcome it by recognizing the source of your guilt and the little truth it holds. It takes courage and bravery to fight internalized misogyny, but it’s possible with a daily commitment to making life more enjoyable for yourself.
Mia Barnes is a freelance writer and researcher who specializes in mental wellbeing and workplace wellness. Mia is also the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Body+Mind magazine, an online women’s health publication.
(The opinions and views of guest contributions are not necessarily those of theglasshammer.com).
