By Nicki Gilmour, Executive Coach and Organizational Psychologist

I used to have zero empathy, lots of honest concern for the person in their situation, but zero empathy (and I have the psychometric tests to prove it).

I could not understand why people could not do better, get over it and get on with it. I was judging them against my paradigms built as a child growing up in a terrorist state with an emotionally unavailable parent and a right wing culture telling me I had to be tough to survive( Northern Ireland in the 1980s under Thatcher). My frameworks and values were in play exclusively, not the other person’s frameworks. It was frustrating for me and I am pretty sure it was not a pleasant experience for people I managed and had in my life. Empathy is a leadership skill, because without it you cannot understand what people are feeling which dictates everything from how they perform to how they show up at work attitudinally and to how authentic they are with you.

This is key if you want to get past the golden rule of ‘treat others of treat people how you want to be treated’ and evolve to the platinum rule of “treat others how they want to be treated.”

So, I built, brick by brick and I internalized it and like any muscle flexed it until it became integral to my nature. You can do this also!

Here are 4 quick tips to get started:

1. Ask open questions that allow people to tell you about themselves and their situations in a way that gives them space to do it their way. Don’t interrogate people as building trust comes before, during and after these types of interactions.

2. Understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is when you feel an emotion for their situation ( such as sorrow and there is distance between you and them emotionally). Empathy is when their emotion is something that you feel with them as it pertains to your own ability to map it internally to your own experiences.

3. Do not limit other people’s emotions to your own range or to your own experiences. Frankly, you might not have the biggest range in the world. And if are very subjective in your ability to interpret events and can only do it through your lens ( see Kegan and Lahey again on the socialized mind in Immunity to Change) then I have found in people who have low EQ but lots of empathy that the person who is seeking to be understood by you on a topic can feel frustrated by the way that you are very keen to share what happened to you as part of the meaning- making and it can drown out the original person. Or that the subjectivity factor completely limits the process, putting the process in or near the concern quadrant if this was a map.

4. Recap and name the emotions you hear as a question not as a statement. In my opinion this is very tied to points 1 and 2 and 3.

5. Use the “magic if” to walk in the other person’s shoes. For example: “If my dad had a stroke this week, would i be able to finish project x today?’.

Practice makes perfect! And imperfection is ok too, your efforts will be appreciated, I am sure.

If you would like to develop your leadership skillst, I would be happy to work with you as your executive coach. Contact me on 646 6882318 or nicki@theglasshammer.com for an exploratory chat

Kerri Durso By Cathie Ericson

Don’t be afraid to speak up, urges Shearman & Sterling’s Kerri Durso, a New York-based counsel in the Derivatives & Structured Products practice.

“I find young lawyers– and women in particular– can be hesitant to speak up in groups. If you know the answer, share it without feeling intimidated by others,” she advises. “Having a true presence at the table is more than just being there and taking notes, but providing material information in an appropriate manner when you have it.”

A Career Built on Industry Mastery

After summering at Shearman & Sterling during her second year of law school, Kerri joined the firm’s Financial Restructuring & Insolvency practice as a full-time associate in 2008. She notes that this was a fantastic time to be an insolvency lawyer, with Lehman Brothers having filed for bankruptcy only the month before she started. “I learned so much in those first two years of working on the Lehman case for several of its creditors,” she says.

When the Lehman issues began to sort themselves out, she moved to Derivatives and Structured Products, which piqued her interest given the number of derivative claims in the Lehman insolvency. She has been there ever since, working for both the buy-side and sell-side, as well as market utilities.

Learning something new all the time is what keeps her interest fresh. For example, while new derivatives regulation coming out of Dodd-Frank has slowed, the implementation of several important aspects of Dodd-Frank continues. Currently she is deep in implementing the new margin requirements mandating the exchange of variation and initial margin for market participants. The regulations provided for a phased-in implementation schedule, and several financial institutions are subject to deadlines this fall. The market is also preparing for the fall of 2019 when the next phase will apply that requires new industry form documentation. “It is very exciting to be a part of drafting form documents that will be used for years to come in the derivatives market,” she notes.

While she has enjoyed many aspects of her work, the professional achievement Kerri says she is most proud of is the role she has played in expanding Shearman & Sterling’s relationship with several financial institutions. Through her personal connections and hard work, she has helped secure a number of meaningful engagements. “The breadth of the work is always changing, but knowing that our firm has the resources to serve a variety of different needs of our clients is something I am proud to be a part of,” she says.

Sharing Wisdom is Crucial for Future Generations

One lesson Kerri has learned along the way – that, as she admits, no one wants to learn – is that everyone makes mistakes, and the key is what you do after. “Recognize the mistake and raise the issue with those you are working with in a timely fashion,” she recommends. “There are few mistakes that cannot be fixed if you take responsibility and raise the issue as soon as possible,” she says, adding that clients and coworkers will respect you for addressing the mistake head on.

Over the years she learned many professional lessons from her sponsors, both male and female, whom she says have encouraged her throughout her career. She recommends young lawyers entering the industry put effort into finding someone they can relate to and emulate, cultivating the relationship if it doesn’t occur naturally. “These are the people who will help guide you through difficult issues in the workplace and that you can look to for career advice,” she says.

She encourages her peers to proactively assume those roles by taking an interest in the junior lawyers they work with. “I hope that I can play the same role my sponsors did for me for even one lawyer,” she says.

Kerri has been active in WISER (Women’s Initiative for Success, Excellence and Retention), the firm’s women’s inclusion network, which emphasizes mentorship, professional development and awareness for all lawyers. She co-chaired the group for two years and proudly attends their functions today, finding it to be a good forum to discuss career paths and learn how others have excelled.

In order to maintain a healthy work-life balance, Kerri says it’s imperative to find time to unplug; for example, she plans at least one great family vacation each year. It doesn’t always need to be to somewhere exotic, she says, but somewhere she can relax with her two-and-a-half-year-old son, infant daughter and husband. In addition, she is enjoying working with her son in the small vegetable garden they planted. “I truly enjoy spending time with my family and anything we do together is a treat,” she says.

gender pay gap

Guest contributed by Lisa Levey

Gender equality is one of those loaded topics that can bring conversation to a halt.

Women’s empowerment has been portrayed as a link to all that men have lost, whether its perceived loss of professional opportunities or loss of the privilege of not having to deal with housework or childcare. There is a fear that expectation of females being subordinate dissipates with equality, which is an outdated expectation to have in modern society to start with but surprisingly present still for some families.

Women’s rising power has left many men seething and many more with a gnawing fear that gains for women mean losses for men. The incredible irony is: the culprit is not gender equality but misguided thinking about masculinity which is shared by both genders and that exacts such a high toll on men.

Read on to discover why based on research, rather than hyperbole, gender equality is a gift for men that keeps on giving.

Gender equality benefits men’s physical health

Gender is highly linked with health risks and outcomes and men continually draw the short stick. But men’s health challenges are substantially driven by their own attitudes and behaviors [which they can change.]

Men who espouse more traditional beliefs about gender make less healthy choices. They drink more alcohol, smoke more, and are more likely to take drugs as well as paying less attention to eating healthily or getting enough sleep. They’re less likely to seek medical care for preventive reasons or to follow their physician’s instructions when they do seek care. Real men don’t seem to think they need to cut their portion sizes as they age, limit how much beer they drink, or spend precious time going to the doctor but they make these decisions at their own peril.

Gender equality benefits men’s marital satisfaction

Alongside women’s influx into the workforce over the last half-century, there’s been a shift in how men experience marriage. Marriages became more unstable – at first – as women began evolving from a more subordinate to a more egalitarian role. In the 1980’s the divorce rate among couples where the woman was more highly educated exceeded that for couples where this was not the case. Yet through time there has been a profound shift. Beginning in the 1990’s, women’s higher educational attainment no longer predicted elevated divorce rates and the marital stability of educational equals rose.

A professor at Brigham Young University studied the division of labor for married couples and those living together across 31 countries. She found couples with a more shared approach to caring for their children and homes were happier in their relationships than couples with a more specialized approach.

Based on my research with parents who sought to proactively share the load at home, both men and women described the power of walking in each other’s shoes and having each other’s backs. They saw themselves on the same team, spending their precious energy on navigating the challenges of equality in a still highly-gendered world, rather than on arguing with each other.
Across the U.S., states with a higher percent of couples in traditional marriages report escalated divorce rates compared to states with a higher percent of dual earner families. Data indicates changing gender norms and family values go hand in hand.

Gender equality benefits men’s relationships with their children

Society has been terribly unfair to men by invalidating the importance of their parenting role. This messaging has no doubt seeped into men’s thinking and worldview. Ironically, both men who live paycheck-to-paycheck and men with incredible wealth similarly perceive prioritizing time away from work to bond with a new child as a luxury rather than a necessity.

Yet if fathers knew how vitally important they were to their children’s lives, they might make different choices. When fathers are involved early and often, their children benefit in critical ways. Positive father involvement from the outset translates into better academic outcomes, more favorable social behavior, fewer discipline issues and greater happiness. The effects of fathering – both good and bad – stay with children far beyond their youth, manifesting during their adult lives via career success and the ability to manage stress, among other ways.

Based on the inaugural 2015 State of the World’s Fathers study, infants attach to both of their parents from the outset if both are actively involved with their care. Paternal engagement is a protective factor for kids who are close to their dads with children being half as likely to suffer from depression during their youth. In other research, fathers who assume a more egalitarian partnership at home raise daughters who are more ambitious.

Not only do fathers influence daughters but daughters influence fathers. A study highlighted in the Harvard Business Review reports men with daughters run more socially responsible companies, particularly with regard to diversity. Men should hope to work for a company where the male CEO has a first born daughter because if he does, he’ll see more money in his paycheck than if the first born is a son.

Gender equality gives men more flexibility and freedom

Men have been saddled with the primary breadwinning role for too long. And while the bias toward men as primary providers persists, a Pew study suggests there may be change afoot. While more than 70% of women and men reported it was very important for a man to be a good provider, women identified their breadwinning responsibility – and that of other women – as far more important than men.

It’s understandable why many men struggle with not being the primary provider, a role for which they have long felt acute responsibility and received social and financial reward. Yet many men fail to see how their partner’s earning capacity provides not only far greater security for the family but also far more flexibility for them. With a financial teammate, men can more easily contemplate starting a business, leaving a bad employer, or push for a promotion. Gender equality helps men to not feel stuck and without options.

Multiple research studies document that men in more egalitarian relationships report lower levels of work-life stress. What may seem counterintuitive for men is that devoting more time to their lives outside of work actually minimizes their work-life stress. The same has not been found to be true for women so really isn’t it time for men to see and talk about the benefits of getting on board with gender equality.

Tune in next week for the second installment of why gender equality is good for men.

Disclaimer: The opinions and views of guest contributors are not necessarily those of theglasshammer.com

broken-glass ceiling

Guest contributed by Ella Patenall

If I asked someone on the street to name 3 male CEO’s they’ve heard of, they probably wouldn’t struggle to answer. Ask them for 3 women and they might falter.

We have seen an increase in women securing senior management roles. However, statistics continue to show that these roles are disproportionately held by their male counterparts, with women holding just 20% of senior management roles. Just 6.4% of CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are women. Furthermore, it has been predicted that it will take 100 years for women and men to be level in management roles.

This is in-part due to the glass ceiling. The glass ceiling refers to the invisible barrier women may face in their working life. It’s the theory that a woman can work her way through a company with a promotion in sight yet is blocked from senior roles, no matter how qualified she may be. Coined in 1978, this theory, sadly, still holds true.

So, are men better at business?

Research on many top UK and US companies has demonstrated otherwise.

Companies with a female CEO on average had better return on capital than those with no women on executive committees.

Women CEOs in the Fortune 1000 Drive three times the returns as S&P enterprises run by men.

According to research conducted by University of California Berkeley, companies who value gender diversity in their organisations see a boost to their bottom line.

A study found that girls outperformed boys in a collaborative problem solving. The study was repeated in numerous countries and the same results were recorded. This collaboration is important within a business environment where many teams exist and are required to work together on shared goals.

Additionally, in developed nations, women outperform men in education across the board.

In the US, men, no matter what their ethnicity or socio-economic group, are less likely to achieve a bachelor’s degree at college. In fact, 40 years ago, men made up 58% of college places and today this has reversed.

In the UK, this situation is mirrored, with campaigns such as ‘take our son to university day’ cropping up to increase the number of boys in higher education.

It would seem than women’s higher academic achievement would have predicted more women ending up in the highest business positions.

How can the glass ceiling be shattered?

Although it will take many decades before gender roles are eliminated and attitudes change completely towards women in the workplace. Sadly, for now, women must work harder than men to achieve the same success. Here are a few steps you could take to reach full potential in your career.

Don’t undervalue yourself

Studies have highlighted that women tend to undervalue themselves. A way this manifest is not asking for a pay rise, or a promotion when it’s deserved due to fear of losing a job and being perceived as ‘pushy’ – a trait more comfortably accepted in men. This is great news for our CEO’s who are saving money due to our unwillingness to request a pay rise!

Don’t settle for lower than you deserve due to a lack of confidence. If you feel you really deserve a pay rise or promotion after your hard work and service, speak to your manager and let them know how you feel. It’s important not to remain trapped in a role when you deserve better.

This undervaluing is problematic before even being in a role. Research has shown that women apply for a job role if they meet 100% of the requirements, whereas men will apply with just 60%! Don’t let not meeting all the criteria put you off. An employer doesn’t usually expect someone to meet everything and might be impressed by the experience and credentials you already possess and see great potential in you.

Networking and collaborate

A large part of building success is learning from others and building relationships. Attending network events is a great way to meet likeminded business people. There is a plethora of business events aimed at women, which aid by increasing confidence and self-esteem, connecting with mentors and forging business partnerships and friendships.

Embracing fear and failure

Stereotypes that women don’t take risks continue to prevail. Taking risk is essential in business and women who have made it to the top have not done so without an element of risk and some failure along the way.
Remember that failure is a part of succeeding. Acknowledging and accepting failures can make you a stronger and more successful businesswoman. Failure teaches us our best lessons and can be a source of motivation.

Ella Patenall writes for Inspiring Interns, which specializes in sourcing candidates for internships and graduate jobs.