Listen to How You Listen

Contributed by CEO Coach Henna Inam

Want to make better decisions? Want to achieve your goals? Want to make deeper connections with others? Listening is the key to each of these. But, have you ever stopped to listen to how you listen? Read the movie script below and you’ll never listen the same way again.

Legal Disclaimer: This is a purely fictitious situation. Any resemblance of the characters or story to past or current events or people you may know is purely coincidental.

The characters are an employee and her boss. The situation is a mid-year review meeting. The location is the brightly lit boss’s office.

Employee Thought Balloon: Really looking forward to this mid-year review with the boss! Not!
Employee: “Hi Sarah! Are you ready for our 3:30 meeting to go over my review?”
Boss: “Sure, Michelle. Come in. I’ve been looking forward to connecting with you on your review.”
Employee Thought Balloon: Ms. Perky as usual. Let’s see what zingers she’s got for me today.
Boss:  “How are you doing? How’s the day been for you?”
Employee Thought Balloon: Much more hectic than yours. I seem to be the only one doing work around here.
Employee: “Great. I’ve been busy with our launch initiative plans.”
Boss: “Great. I’d love to discuss those with you when you’re ready.”
Employee Thought Balloon: I’ll bet. You’re looking for something to shred to pieces. It’s been a while.
Employee: “I’ll set up a meeting.”
Boss: “Well let’s go over your review. I read your self-assessment and agree with most of it.  I want to take you through my comments.”
Employee Thought Balloon: I knew she’d find something to disagree with!
Boss: “Michelle, overall I find you to be a really strong performer. You have really good analytical skills. You have a strong drive to get things completed and on time. And you seem to get along well with your peers based on the feedback we got from them. They value how well you collaborate with them.”
Employee Thought Balloon: Enough with the blah, blah. Let’s get on with the stuff I’m really here for.
Boss: “Here are some of the developmental opportunities I have noticed.”
Employee Thought Balloon: Yeah, let’s go for the kill!
Boss: “I’d like you to work on a couple of areas of development. One is to develop your verbal communication skills.”
Employee Thought Balloon: Really? I’m not sure you’d be so happy with me verbalizing what I’m thinking. LOL.
Boss: “And second, I’d like you to be better at listening and probing to better understand where people are coming from.”
Employee Thought Balloon: Hey, I’m listening pretty well. Have I interrupted you so far? I’m getting the complete picture of how you really don’t want me here and are looking for all kinds of ways to get me fired…

Fade out. Before we move on to the rest of the movie do you see what’s happening? There are two movies going on. One in real time and the other in the employee’s thought balloon. While the situation is a bit extreme for dramatic effect,  how well is the employee listening to the boss?

The problem arises when we are not even aware of the movie playing in our heads. We just assume that movie is reality. The fact is that the stories we have in our heads prevent us from listening clearly. And the purpose of this blog post is to help each of us listen more closely to how we listen.

In this situation the employee comes in believing that her boss doesn’t support her. Her beliefs cause her to hear only the statements that are consistent with her beliefs. This is a well-researched phenomenon called “cognitive dissonance.” It is hard for the brain, especially under stress, to process any information that is inconsistent with its previous understanding, so it tends to disregard it.

Awareness of our “filters” (the way in which we listen to others) reduces the static in the connections we have with others. When we start to see a situation more objectively it allows us to be more emotionally intelligent in the situation, make better decisions, act from greater objectivity, and establish more genuine connections with others. Listening to how you listen is truly a transformational tool.

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The New Debate Over ‘Having It All’

Breakfast RoutineBy Robin Madell (San Francisco)

The cover story of this month’s issue of The Atlantic, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All,” went viral in the first week after its publication. In the controversial article, Princeton University professor and former high-level State Department official Anne-Marie Slaughter reignites a decades-old debate about whether women can have both a successful career and a family.

Slaughter asks if women of her own demographic—“highly educated, well-off women who are privileged enough to have choices in the first place”—can successfully “have it all” as both parents and professionals. The author’s premise is that “the women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed.” In other words, the article suggests that the answer to the often-asked question, “Can women have it all?” is a clear “No” for most women under normal circumstances.

The explosion of media response to this story reveals what women in every position and life situation already knew: that the “having it all” debate is far from over. The Glass Hammer surveyed some of the varied responses to the story to bring you up to speed on the issues.

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Opt Out Myth Dismissed – Again

boardroomBy Melissa J. Anderson (New York City)

A new study by the Center for Talent Innovation has revealed yet again that the “opt-out” myth is still an invalid excuse masking the real obstacle that keeps women from the top. As Secretary General of the Council of Women World Leaders Laura Liswood has put it, it’s the thick layer of men that’s keeping women from reaching the upper echelons of the business world.

The report, Sponsor Effect: UK, busts the myth that women are taking themselves out of the running for C-level positions due to a lack of ambition or because of family demands. In fact, the UK’s top performing women want to advance more than their male counterparts.

According to the study, 91% of senior-level women in the UK say they are looking for a promotion, compared with only 76% of senior men. On top of that, 79% of senior women say they want a top job, while only 74% of senior men say the same. Clearly, an ambition gap is not what’s keeping more women out of leadership.

“Nor is childrearing pulling women off track, as 39 percent of women over 40 do not have kids,” the report continues. Even still, CTI says, women comprise a miniscule percentage of CEO and executive director jobs in FTSE 100 companies – and larger companies are often even better than small ones when it comes to the percentage women holding top jobs. What’s keeping women out of the C-suite in the UK?

According to the report authors, Sylvia Ann Hewlett, Lauren Leader-Chivée and Karen Sumberg with Catherine Fredman and Claire Ho, the answer is relationships. Senior level men in the UK are 50% more likely than senior women to have a sponsor. Despite their fierce ambition (UK women are 22% more likely to aspire to the top job than women in the US), UK women aren’t receiving the support they need from the thick layer of men in order to propel their careers forward.

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Happy Independence Day!

iStock_000001913448XSmallBy Melissa J. Anderson (New York City)

Happy Independence Day! For the rest of the week, The Glass Hammer is taking a break from our regular publication schedule for a much needed vacation. But don’t fret, dear readers. We’ve assembled a short list of our favorite articles from this year – a year in which women have been asked (and are asking ourselves) tough questions.

If you’ve got a few days off, here’s a chance to catch up on some of our latest work.

And, here are a few top articles from our contributing experts.

In addition to the articles on The Glass Hammer, we’re hard at work on another white paper (as part of our look at Managing Identities, we’re examining the challenges and opportunities for LGBT women working in finance in the UK) due out this month. We’re also pleased to announce two more events for this fall (our 5th Women on the Buy-Side investment management industry breakfast and another career management panel for Women in Technology). More details to come!

Finally, we’d like to thank you, our readers, for helping our community of ambitious, powerful women grow and flourish. If there’s an event or a story you feel we’re missing, please add your voice in the comments section below!

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What it Means to Be an LGBT Woman at Work | Managing Identities 2012 Event | UK

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diverse women in the boardroomLast week’s event, Managing Identities: Being out at Work, brought to the UK by The Glass Hammer and hosted by Bank of America Merrill Lynch, gave a unique insight into the personal journeys that notable LGBT women in the financial and professional services have experienced being out at work and the difference coming out has made to their careers.

Nicki Gilmour, CEO of The Glass Hammer, kicked off the evening with a thought provoking snapshot of the latest research that she and her team are conducting around being “the L in LGBT” at work in financial services. Despite the rise of LGBT groups in companies and the increase of attention by the media on LGBT life in the world at large, out of about 100 people surveyed so far only 59% confirmed they were out at work.

The panel, craftfully moderated by Jane Hill of the BBC, began by inviting the five openly gay women from Bank of America Merrill Lynch, Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Nomura International, and Marsh USA to share their own journeys of coming out at work.

Coming Out at Work

When Sarah Walker, Executive Director of the Enterprise Data & Services Group and Global Head of Securities Reference Data; IT & Data Operations at Morgan Stanley, started work in Australia, she was “19, dating guys and still straight, had a boyfriend, but during that time I realised I wanted to see women.” During the process of coming out to her family and friends, she didn’t feel it was important to come out at work. On reflection, she felt she didn’t have any role models or examples of others coming out at work and didn’t really know how to handle the situation.

The answer? “It seemed easier to move companies than to come out.”  The good news is that it has gotten better for Walker since then. When she moved jobs, she decided she would be open about who she was immediately. “It changed from being a big deal to not a big deal, it was easier, and it was part of me then.”

Julia Hoggett, Head of Covered Bonds and FIG (Financial Institutions) Flow Financing EMEA and Head of Short Term Fixed Income Origination EMEA at Bank of America Merrill Lynch, was on drugs when she came out. She was recovering in hospital from spinal surgery on morphine and when her Managing Director visited her, she introduced her girlfriend. It was three days later that she realised she had just outed herself at work. Following the incident, Hoggett was asked to contribute more to the firm and join the gay and lesbian network. She really appreciated that endorsement early on in her career.

All of the panelists agreed how important it was that they had support from those they came out to at work. As Angela Best, EMEA Group Tax Controller at Nomura, put it, “It only takes one person to build on your confidence to come out.” Next the panelists considered how, as most firms have set up Allies programs, being LGBT can still be an issue. For the global community that we all operate in, it is. As Toni Mohammed, Client Manager at Marsh Inc., explained, “It is still illegal to be gay in Trinidad & Tobago,” and this is the crux of it. Similarly, Lale Topcuoglu, Portfolio Manager, Managing Director, Co-head of Global Investment Grade Portfolio Management, Goldman Sachs Asset Management, hasn’t had an issue about being gay at work and has found Goldman Sachs to be supportive, including having her CEO speak out publicly about marriage equality in the US. But she feels that there are legal issues that need to be addressed outside of work. “I only had to cross the river and my marriage was not recognised and I didn’t have the same rights over my kids,” she pointed out. For Mohammed, talking to clients was a continual challenge. She recalled, “You had to remember the lie you told one other person, to another person,” and she found herself deflecting a lot of the time before coming out to selective clients with whom she has long term relationships.

Supportive Groups

The panelists examined how Allies groups create a platform for LGBT issues to be understood, but they also provide an opportunity to build networks and ultimately business.

The panel discussed how education and awareness contribute to a more inclusive environment at work. This is achieved by stronger relationships with your co-workers. The need for role models at senior levels is very important. “If you are seen as a success, but not relatable to, then you are not necessarily going to be an accessible role model for women coming up through the ranks,” said Hoggett.

All felt it important that if you are in a senior level position you should be open and available for questions from women working through the ranks, and be frank of your achievements as an open gay woman as well. Hoggett continues, “You are only going to get ahead in this industry if you are good. The fact that you’re gay is one thing that makes up who you are, but it’s not the driving thing. You have to prove that you are effective. You have to put yourself forward and have people recognize what you have achieved, and that is something that women tend to gloss over.”

Finally, when asked if the panelists saw themselves as role models Mohammed answered that she “considers all the people before us as role models.” She has recently been asked to join the Marsh USA diversity council as a representative of the Pride group and feels it is “a great opportunity for a company like Marsh, to draw our business into the LGBT world as we are a huge market and can show everyone what we can bring to the table.”

Are you an LGBT woman working in the financial services in the UK? If so, please help us with upcoming research by taking our confidential and anonymous survey! Click here: http://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/882311/LGB-Workplace-Survey

By Lucy Sandilands (London)

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Voice of Experience: Doreen Lilienfeld, Partner, Executive Compensation & Employee Benefits Group, Shearman & Sterling

doreenlilienfeldBy Melissa J. Anderson (New York City)

Doreen Lilienfeld, a partner in the Executive Compensation & Employee Benefits Group at global law firm Shearman & Sterling, has established her reputation as a leading executive compensation lawyer through exceptional client work and thought leadership initiatives like article writing and speaking opportunities.

But when it comes to career advancement in the legal profession, Lilienfeld believes that establishing and maintaining relationships is key. In her experience, networking matters.

“Everyone is a potential contact,” she says. “You never know where the people you meet along the way are going to wind up. You see people move from one path of life to another. To the extent that you can network earlier in your career rather than later, and keep those contacts, it is incredibly useful later in life.”

Part of that networking should be internal, she suggests. Having climbed the ranks at Shearman & Sterling’s Frankfurt, London, Bay Area, and New York offices, Lilienfeld emphasizes that the benefits of finding a role model can be considerable. “Get a mentor,” she says. “It’s the most critical piece of advice I can give anyone for career success.”

But earning the support of colleagues is not automatic. It requires delivering on commitments and nurturing key relationships all along the way. “You need to stay connected and have a team dedicated to your success throughout your career,” she explains.

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