Guest contribution by Beate Chelette
It happens to even the best communicators, especially when we are having that kind of day. One thing pushes us to the edge of our tolerance and the voice inside our head says, “You have to confront her about this.” And we do—with disastrous consequences.
The calm yet firm conversation we had intended somehow turned into a much bigger issue than the one we had before. Now she is avoiding you, working around you, and giving you the cold shoulder. The problem is that she may be your boss or a key person within the company. You have a nagging suspicion your confrontation was bad for your career and may have just turned your office life into living hell.
When someone rubs us the wrong way and we want to let them know it, chances are we’ve made judgments based on our PERCEPTIONS of that person or the situation. We don’t know what she (or he) really thinks, feels, or is going through. Perhaps she is dealing with excruciating personal pain. Everyone has a story.
Direct confrontations usually don’t fix anything because they follow the outdated “I win, you lose” model. We are living in a collaborative, communal environment (compared to when gurus where all the rage) and we need to shift our approach.
The key to dissolving the issues you are facing is to identify where the problems lie. In 90% of cases, miscommunication and drawing incorrect conclusions are the root causes. Start by detaching yourself from the situation and look at the issue/problem/incident objectively. Switch the language you use from “you did/I think” to “when that happened/that incident was.”
It’s important to know your desired outcome before you go into fixing mode. Do you want to have a better relationship with your co-worker? Do you want to improve team collaboration, office communication, or work processes? Your primary goal will be the focus of what you say.
Clarifying miscommunications is how we start to repair a strained relationship. It’s also where we apply the first Pillar of The Women’s Code—awareness.
Awareness
Our perceptions are often based on assumptions. Have you ever been furious at someone for what she did to you, only to find out later that she was genuinely trying to help? That’s what happens when we act without knowing the other side of the story. Ask yourself, “What is the real issue here? Was I right to confront her? Did I act on facts or did I act on assumptions?”
Now what?
We start by offering a genuine apology. “I am sorry I…confronted you; called you out in front of the group; made a snarky comment; wrote the one-sided email; acted without understanding where you are coming from and without hearing your story first…”
We try to improve communications. Do this by giving a compliment. Trust me on this—it works wonders! The caveat is that it MUST be sincere or else we come across as fake. Try a simple compliment like: “I admire how fiercely you negotiate; I like how professionally you dress; I appreciate how you lead meetings…”
Most of the time when we give, we get something back. Watch for the sign. If you get a compliment or a nicety in return, you can skip the next step.
If we don’t receive a signal of truce, we’ll need to do more softening. Make the incident impersonal while still taking responsibility. “When the confrontation happened, I don’t know what got into me. I realize it was not appropriate.” Or simply say, “I wanted to make things better, not worse, but my approach backfired. I don’t want the tension between us to continue.” The key here is to take full responsibility for your part. After all, nobody is perfect. Keep it clear and concise, remain apologetic, admit making a mistake, and above all—be honest and genuine.
Our final step is to focus on the future. Don’t allow the conversation to dive deeply into an explanation of the mistake you made. Instead, guide the conversation by painting a picture of what is next. “What can I do to fix this situation? I’d love to hear your ideas on how to avoid this in the future. Would it be helpful if we plan to meet more often or have a daily check-in? What kind of updates would you like from me? I want to make this work…”
We all make mistakes, so we may as do something useful with them. Don’t feed a situation more negative energy. Seek ways to reconcile and resolve the issue as soon as possible. And please share what you learn so others can avoid similar pitfalls.
Let me know how these suggestions help you. I’d love to hear your tips for mending strained relationships!
At her lowest point, Beate Chelette was $135,000 in debt, a single mother, and forced to leave her home. Only 18 months later, she sold her image licensing business to Bill Gates in a multimillion-dollar deal. Today she is a respected speaker, career coach, consummate entrepreneur, Author of Happy Woman Happy World, and founder of The Women’s Code, a unique guide to leadership, and personal and career success that offers a new code of conduct for today’s business, private and digital world. Determined to build a community of women helping each other, she took her formula and turned her life around into a book Brian Tracy calls “an amazing handbook for every woman who wants health, happiness, love and success!” She spends her time helping people and companies transform leadership and success, sharing her foolproof fix “From Overwhelmed to Awesome.”
Guest advice and opinions not necessarily those of theglasshammer.com