Guest contributed by Lauren Marie
With the rise of social media, the prevalence of judgment on parents has reached epidemic proportions.
This US study found that 90% of moms and 85% of dads feel judged by others, and nearly half of all parents feel judged almost all the time. This constant demand to conform to others’ rules not only undermines a parent’s wellbeing, it also stifles their ability to follow their dreams and create new financial opportunities for themselves and their families.
It doesn’t seem to matter whether you stay home to raise your children, put them in day care, have a nanny or family member caring for them, or something else. People feel they have the right to judge you for any choice you make involving children,
Is there a ‘right’ path for working parents? What if, rather than looking for what the right decisions are, you began to look for what your choices create, and choose what works for your family, regardless of other people’s judgments?
The modern family has grown undefined and can look completely different in every household. The idea that one size can fit all is a little crazy. What will work for you and your kids might not work for another family and that is okay!
Your choice creates awareness
Each choice you make will give you more clarity and direction to inform the choices you will make in the future. Instead of judging each choice as right or wrong, what if you look at the information you gained, and change course based on what occurs as you go? For example, let’s say you try out one day care based on a friend’s recommendation. Your child comes home unhappy, doesn’t want to go back, or cries every time you drop them off. This doesn’t mean that you made a bad choice. It is just more information you can use to make the next choice better and to give you more awareness of what works or doesn’t work for your child.
We think that we must make a decision and hold onto it, for fear that if we change our minds it will mean we were wrong or did something bad.
The capacity to change, to not have a fixed point of view, but rather a malleable reality that can look totally different in any moment, is one of your greatest gifts to the world and to your children.
Without having to hold onto a decision or a point of view, with no need of being right, and a total willingness to change on a dime, would you have to feel guilt or shame? What if you looked at the mistakes you’ve made as a chance to learn and grow and become greater?
Your children learn from watching and modeling you
If you judge yourself, you’re teaching your children to judge themselves too. Instead, have allowance for your choices, even the so-called mistakes, and you will teach your children to have allowance for themselves too.
That doesn’t mean you act without care or consequence. On the contrary, it means you ask questions all the time and choose based on what will create greater change for everyone involved.
Asking questions
When your children are at an age where they can reason and understand, begin asking them what works for them. Ask them where they want to go to school, who they want to play with, which nanny they like best? It doesn’t mean you have to do whatever your child wants, but it will allow them to feel empowered to make choices and gives you more information and feedback. You can also ask yourself questions… “I wonder what would happen if we chose to do: X, Y, or Z?”
What if you became curious again, about everything, the way children are?
Judging never creates greater
Guilt, blame, shame and regret are all based on judgment. Judging someone or something doesn’t make it better. It only locks what you are judging further into place. If you want something to change, you have to make a different choice.
We need to take pressure off ourselves by not looking at ourselves through other people’s eyes and by discovering what is actually true for us. Every time you begin to judge yourself, stop. It is a choice; it is not an automatic. Your point of view can actually become reality. If you believe you are not good enough, you never get it right, you’re a terrible mother … that’s what will reflect back at you.
You must put your kids to bed at a certain time, have limited amounts of “screen time,” read to them, give them appropriate social cues, teach them to play nicely with others. I’m sure you’ve heard all of this and more as the right way to parent and the right way to be a working mom. What you want to start looking at is which of these ‘rules’ are true and work for you and your kids, not just buy them all as real because someone else tells you it is so.
Judgments are not real. Let other people judge you however they judge you, don’t make it significant. You know you better than anyone. Trust in that; trust in you.
If you want to empower your children to love themselves, to trust themselves, and to make good decisions for themselves, you must show them by practicing allowance and trust for you first.
Practice gratitude for you
To truly get rid of guilt, blame, shame and regret, be grateful for who you are in the world, who you are in the workplace, who you are at home. This will start to shift the feelings of guilt and regret. When they come up, focus instead on something you can be grateful for about you. Watch the negative feelings shrink as the gratitude grows. Gratitude and judgment cannot coexist. It’s a muscle you can choose to build, and the more you use it the stronger it gets.
About the Author
Lauren Marie is a Joy of Business facilitator, acupuncturist, entrepreneur and mother of twins. She travels worldwide, facilitating classes and changing her clients’ point of view about life, health and business. Born on the outskirts of Washington D.C., Lauren now lives on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. A passionate creator and conscious rule-breaker, Lauren seeks to inspire other mothers to see the possibilities they overlook and to embrace every challenge and choice that parenthood brings.
The opinions and views expressed by guest contributors are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of theglasshammer.com
Voice of Experience: Marianne Bachynski, Chief Transformation Officer
Voices of ExperienceAlways be networking, suggests Marianne Bachynski.
The reason is simple, she says. “My father always reminded me that you are the only person who knows your entire history and can best tell your story. Make it known what you’re good at, what you have achieved and what you want to do. Build a personal brand.” For example, she found that people would make assumptions about what roles she might like as a working mom. It’s up to you to dispel inaccurate assumptions and voice your interests, particularity to new managers.
Finding Her Niche in Technology
As Bachynski explains, she “grew up at Morgan Stanley” where she spent 25 years from the start of her career. Always focused on technology, she began as an application developer, supporting many different businesses on the sell side and then pivoted to the buy side. The technology on the investment management side wasn’t nearly as mature as the sell side, so she found it to be an ideal opportunity to spur growth and innovation.
When she was moved to support investment management, she found they had so much capacity to evolve, making it akin to a startup embedded in the bigger firm. She built it out, front to back, creating a team from zero to 700. Since some of them came from acquisitions along the way, she learned about integrating companies both technically and culturally. “We had to design a Brady Bunch-style blended culture that could work well together because we couldn’t execute or communicate effectively if we didn’t have a common way of working,” Bachynski explains.
She eventually moved to Citibank, providing technology solutions to external clients for whom they covered investment management, private equity and hedge funds. She reveled in the fact that it was such a global company, with clients in 160 countries. She then became COO of North America Wholesale Banking at Rabobank, which specialized in food, farming and agriculture. She then spent a year at a fintech company, FIS, which supports banks of all sizes with banking and payments and brokerage technology. She enjoyed her role creating products that serve multiple clients and being more directly tied to revenue. But when Marianne was offered the lead role in a multiyear transformation program working for the CEO of the #1 most innovative InsureTech firm, she couldn’t resist.
Bachynski helps transform companies to become more agile. She recognizes the importance of speed, which in many ways is replacing size and scale as the key metric.
More Gains To Be Made
Bachynski finds it sobering how little has changed for women in technology from when she began. For instance, her daughter, who is 25 and went to MIT, works at Instagram as a data scientist, and she is still many times the only woman in the room.
“Women need to come together and support each other and have meaningful dialogue,” Bachynski says, adding that she has had few tech peers who were women.
She advises women to take the advice she heard early on from one of the few senior women she worked with. “Don’t ever apologize. If you must leave early, just walk out the door.” In other words, take control of defining the critical parameters for your work-life balance.
Bachynski is a big believer in mentor programs, where you are assigned to someone more senior outside of your purview. Mentorships are an opportunity to gain a different perspective and a chance to glean valuable insights on what really goes on in senior management. “It’s so enlightening to create a line of sight to the big picture,” she says.
Her routine has always included one hour a day all to herself, which she typically devotes to working out. In the past she has run marathons, which she found helped build both physical and emotional stamina for the work roller coaster you often ride on; and the discipline allows you to think calmly and look to the long term.
Even when her work was calling, Bachynski made the effort to be home at a decent hour every night to spend time with her children and held sacred time each year to take a trip. “We intentionally chose to travel internationally, because it allows you to experience and learn about so many ways to live your life, and it’s invigorating to step out of our element and focus on each other. Vacations are critical to reenergize.”
Creating Your Personal Brand — One Step at a Time
Guest ContributionGuest contributed by Elizabeth Harr
Personal brands are a hot topic in executive circles for good reason.
Just like a firm’s brand, a well-developed personal brand allows professionals a meaningful way to stand out in a crowded marketplace. Built correctly, a personal brand is neither self-indulgent nor self-promotional – but instead is a platform for promoting specialized expertise. And expertise – particularly specialized expertise – is consistently a top criteria buyers of professional services use when selecting a firm with which to do business.
While it’s hard to argue with the merits of having a strong personal brand, the more challenging conversation is around the specific steps and strategies needed to make it happen. If I had to offer one guiding principle for all executives to embrace as they embark in their own brand journey, it would be to employ purpose as your bouncer. This has come be a favorite mantra of my own ever since I heard it on a podcast from Whitney Johnson, the creator of the Disrupt Yourself podcast series. I love this expression because it’s a reminder that each of us is in charge of the multiple decisions we’ll have to make about our personal brand. What tools should you invest in? Where should you speak? What topics should you write about? What really should you be known for?
Adhering to a strict standard for how you evaluate personal branding decisions can make all the difference in time, in money you invest, and in how well you are received by the outside world. With purpose as the bouncer of your decisions, your personal brand will fill a void in the marketplace with a fresh and much-needed perspective on the problems your audience is trying to solve. Put another way, applying purpose – in the context of what matters most to whatever audience you seek visibility with – prevents you from adding to the noise, or worse, showing up as a generic jack-of-all-trades services provider.
Now everything I’ve said so far probably falls more under the category of philosophy rather than practical advice. However, with purpose as your gatekeeper and bouncer, implementing the following steps will be much easier and more effective. So let’s get to it.
Creating Your Personal Brand Strategy
Step 1: Understand where you’re starting from. Before you begin building your brand, you need to make an honest assessment of your brand’s existing qualities and level of visibility. Visibility can be defined in five distinct levels to help executives assess their baseline position, which in turn helps them stay realistic about how far they can climb. Are you at the level of a Resident Expert, where you’re known to a very small and defined circle? Or are you a Rising Star, where you’re just starting to expand your network and are becoming visible to a wider audience? It’s also important to define where you want to go. If your goal is to become a sought-out (and paid!) keynote speaker on the global stage for example and you’re barely past the first stage of your journey, you’ll be looking at an aggressive path forward that has a different investment of time and money relative to a goal of becoming highly regarded regional player for example.
Figure 1: The Five Levels of Visibility
Step 2: Zero in on specialized expertise. Perhaps you are an expert in something already. That’s fine, but is your messaging for that expertise fairly broad (“M&A advisory,” for instance), or is it specialized (such as, “post-merger acquisition integration”)? If you haven’t done so yet, think about narrowing your focus. If you’ve tried unsuccessfully to pare down your services, at least try to be more tightly focused on which topics you write and speak about. Once you’ve done this, your ‘purpose bouncer’ should get busy, turning away any other blogging or speaking opportunities that don’t fit with the central thesis of your personal brand.
Step 3: Target a specific audience. What types of industries or organizations will be procuring your services? Who influences your buyers’ purchasing decisions? What positions within client firms will buy your services? The answers will dictate which people you should be communicating with in every blog post, speech, book, and webinar. Keep your audience in mind whenever you’re writing. It will help you stay on point, and attract the right kinds of prospects to your business.
Step 4: Find your own viewpoint. This essential step can help to differentiate your personal brand in a big way. If you can associate your personal brand with a specific issue, or lead with a point of view that’s controversial or counterintuitive, it’s often easier to attract attention. Doing so can also give you a unique perspective that will put your unmistakable stamp on each piece of content you develop.
Step 5: Select your tools. There are many choices — too many, in fact — for how you will push out messages to support your personal brand. The tools that tend to have the greatest effect on a personal brand fall within the three pillars of high-growth marketing: speaking, publishing, and networking (both in person and digitally through social media networks). The figure below depicts the top 10 most effective tools as well as their efficacy score on a scale of 0 – 10. As you can see, these run the gamut from having a personal website to publishing your own books. Of course, if you have experience with other tools, such as webinars or video, you can make them part of your plan as well.
Figure 2. Personal banding tools ranked by impact (0 = least, 10 = greatest)
Step 6: Evaluate your skills — and be brutal. This may be the most difficult step — especially if you’re doing it yourself. It’s so hard to be objective about one’s own strengths and weaknesses. Try to honestly evaluate your proficiency in each of the skill areas shown in Figure 2. Is your writing as good as you think it is? How strong are you as a public speaker? Which skills need the most work? Prioritize these skills, and decide which ones you can work on by yourself, and which may require finding or hiring a teacher or mentor. And that brings me to…
Step 7: Build a support team. The great majority of us need at least some help on the personal branding journey, and many may actually need a great deal. So one of the first things you need to decide on is how you want to make the climb: as a truly solo ascent with just an oxygen tank, or accompanied by a team of Sherpas? When you’re part of a larger organization, you sometimes have the built-in support by way of ghostwriters, SEO experts, graphic designers and website developers. If you don’t have access to these skill sets, you can look to freelancers to fill any gaps. In either case, line up your resources early in your process so that you don’t have to spend time tracking them down when you really need them.
Crafting your personal brand around what really matters in the marketplace – expertise – is the first step. In a sister article, I’ll cover how to design the supporting infrastructure you’ll need to really bring your brand to life in the form of content, profiles, and bios. Afterall, a plan is only as good as its execution, which in turn can’t happen without a solidly built infrastructure.
About the Author
Elizabeth Harr, Partner at Hinge, is an accomplished entrepreneur and experienced executive with a background in strategic planning, branding and growth for professional services. Elizabeth co-founded a Microsoft solutions provider company and grew it into a thriving organization that became known for its expertise in Microsoft customer relationship management.
The opinions and views expressed by guest contributors are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of theglasshammer.com
Voice of Experience: Susan Light, Partner, Katten
Voices of ExperienceThat’s why she recommends newer professionals focus on approaching a job with the goal of helping solve problems and offering solutions. She also stresses the importance of taking care of yourself. “I am happy to see this is becoming a bigger trend among younger professionals. It’s not weak to take a moment every now and then to focus on your physical and mental health. It’s imperative. If you are not taking care of yourself, you won’t be able to show up and take care of others. Plain and simple.”
Finding the Perfect Intersection of Experiences
While Ms. Light had originally planned to get her PhD in psychology, she changed course as grad school loomed and ended up attending law school at Boston University. She began her legal career as a prosecutor in the Bronx District Attorney’s Office in New York, where she tried to verdict more than 50 felony cases and supervised the investigations and prosecutions of violent crimes. She spent seven years in what she describes as an “important and dynamic job,” learning every aspect of practicing law and simultaneously building strong ties with her colleagues.
She also earned her Master of Law at New York University School of Law in the evenings, focusing on securities and criminal law. Ms. Light was able to combine the specialties into a position that she says was “custom-made for her” at the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) as a trial attorney. Over the years she ascended the ranks and became a senior vice president in the NYSE’s enforcement division.
During her time there, the National Association of Securities Dealers (NASD), a self-regulatory organization of the securities industry, merged with NYSE’s regulation and formed the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA). Ms. Light stayed on in a similar position for an additional 11 years, helping run the enforcement division as senior vice president and chief counsel.
As a leader at FINRA and the NYSE, Ms. Light managed as many as 60 attorneys and investigators and negotiated dozens of global settlements with the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), U.S. Attorneys’ Offices, Municipal Securities Rulemaking Board, state regulators and the Financial Crimes Enforcement Network, which is a bureau of the U.S. Department of the Treasury. Additionally, she partnered with foreign regulators on investigations into cross-national Ponzi schemes, with the Internal Revenue Service on investigations of improper tax dividends, with the Depository Trust & Clearing Corporation on investigations of penny stock fraud and market manipulation and with the Commodity Futures Trading Commission on managed futures alternative investments investigations.
While she enjoyed her regulatory experience, last year she decided she wanted to experience private practice and joined Katten as a partner in its Financial Markets and Funds group.
“It’s been a great match, the people are terrific,” Ms. Light said. “Katten has a strong financial services department, and I brought my institutional knowledge of SEC and FINRA rules and regulations to enhance that area.” Clients appreciate the value she brings, given her extensive experience and insight in addressing complex legal and regulatory issues. Joining Katten has also presented the opportunity for Ms. Light to handle cryptocurrency and cybersecurity matters, building on her FINRA experience in those areas.
At Katten, Ms. Light provides clients with a regulator’s perspective and deep insights into the rules. Her time is divided between giving advice on rule interpretations and practices, conducting internal investigations and representing broker/dealers in SEC and FINRA proceedings. “I try to help my clients better understand what the regulator is required to consider and how that may impact their matter,” said Ms. Light. “I think this approach gives them a greater level of insight and confidence when working with FINRA or the SEC.”
And that is one of the professional achievements she is most proud of—being able to connect her many roles, leveraging her experience to provide value to her clients. In addition, she finds a lot of satisfaction in the opportunities she has had through her senior executive leadership roles to mentor and guide so many people whom she has been proud to see have been promoted and succeed.
Building Important Bridges
While she appreciates the level of trust she has established with the regulatory agencies, Ms. Light likewise values the trust she has developed with colleagues. “You need someone at work who will give you a reality check and advice,” she says. Since she is relatively new at Katten, she has been proactively calling women partners to get to know them.
Ms. Light says she has been very fortunate over her career as the men who may have been dismissive of her achievements as a woman were few and far between. “I never missed out on any opportunities by being a woman; if I didn’t get a promotion, it wasn’t because I was a woman,” she notes. And similarly, she says she has been fortunate to work with many role models who helped paved the way.
Currently she appreciates the focus that Katten puts on diversity and inclusion, and has become a member of the firm’s Women’s Leadership Forum, which supports the growth of women attorneys through various initiatives, programs and events. “The firm is very attuned to internal diversity but also recognizes a diverse workforce results in more innovative solutions to the legal and business challenges faced by our clients,” she says.
Ms. Light is proud to be part of a family of lawyers; she met her husband in the Bronx District Attorney’s Office and he just retired as an adjunct law professor. Her son is currently a market surveillance manager at the NYSE while attending law school at night, and her daughter works in project management and is applying to law school. The family remains close—having weekly lunches, getting together on the weekends when they can and traveling together.
Her daughter recently found a book of poems Ms. Light’s parents had given her. One that particularly resonated as she read it with hindsight was called “Don’t Ever” by Laine Parsons, which reads in part, “Don’t ever forget that you can achieve so many of the things you can imagine. It’s not as hard as it seems. Don’t ever stop loving don’t ever stop believing, don’t ever stop dreaming your dreams. “It’s great advice for any professional, and a good reminder of what we need to figure out as we go along our paths,” says Ms. Light.
“The secret to work-life harmony is not balance so much as navigating what’s most important at any given time,” Ms. Light says. “Sometimes that’s the case you’re working on and sometimes that’s your child’s birthday. It is possible to be fantastic at both roles.”
Voice of Experience: Mindy Mercaldo, Head of U.S. Branch Channel, Citi
Voices of Experience“There are so many possibilities to seize opportunities, rather than waiting for them to come to you,” she says, encouraging women to be open about what they want to achieve and finding advocates to help with those aspirations.
“You have to put your voice in the room,” she adds. “Sometimes women hedge, but your opinions matter and people need to hear them.”
Climbing the Ranks as a Lifelong Banker
Mercaldo began her career in retail banking as a Customer Service Representative while in college. She loved helping people with their banking needs and after graduating she entered a branch banking management program and started her career with Meridian Bank in her native Philadelphia. Throughout her career, it’s been the mix of meaningful experiences with customers and her teams that has fueled her inspiration.
In her 30-year career, she’s been through three bank mergers and four acquisitions; been a small business banking leader, retail banking director and division manager. She also spent eight years in retail bank sales and strategy. Currently based in Chicago, Mercaldo was promoted this summer to oversee Citibank’s entire US branch network. It’s an honor to assist in the retail bank’s transformation and to lead such a dynamic team, she says.
Mercaldo finds that developing her team motivates and inspires her, and reminds her of those who invested in her along the way.
A breast cancer survivor, Mercaldo took time off when she was diagnosed and was gratified to have someone who could easily step into her shoes. “When you invest in people, it helps them as individuals and also elevates the entire team,” she says, citing one of the transformational lessons she learned from the book Boys in the Boat, the true story about nine-working class rowers from Depression-era Washington state who overcame steep odds to win gold at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin.
“I really believe in the idea of surrounding yourself with great people,” she says, adding that it’s a rewarding experience on both a personal and professional level to be part of their development and success. “I am so proud when someone I’ve worked with reaches a major career goal or milestone; it makes me think about a small part I might have played in their advancement and those moments when I was able to be part of their journey.”
That has helped reinforce the importance of partnership and collaboration with others, and led her to realize that it’s not just working hard that gets you to the next job. “There are so many interdependencies in our work, because we all touch the customer in some way and have to work comprehensively,” Mercaldo says. “I learned along the way that bringing others into the conversation creates a better work environment and outcomes,” she says, noting that Citi’s culture encourages teamwork that enables economic growth and progress.
Currently she is excited about the work the bank is doing to help meet customer banking needs in the future and how the organization is responding by transforming to help make their lives better.
“Client needs are complex; despite the growth of digital capabilities, they still want trusted, personalized advice from their banker and often turn to a human to help them make critical decisions,” she says adding that the concept of marrying those two components is exciting. “The secret of change is to focus all your energy on building the new rather than fighting the old,” she says, quoting the author Dan Millman.
Mentoring as a Way Of Life
In addition to the work she does with her team, Mercaldo has been an active mentor in Citi’s Chicago Women’s Network. She also serves on the steering committee for the Asian Heritage Network, a group that helps promote a culture of diversity and inclusion within Citi. “As a leader, it’s important to be involved in these affinity networks and broaden our sense of inclusion,” she says. She has also found Citi’s Leadership Development programs to be a rewarding experience focused on creating environments for women to grow their leadership experiences. “Women mentor and care about the advancement of other women; we have a culture of supporting other women in their career goals and objectives,” she says.
When it comes to family, Mercaldo shares that her 14-year-old daughter is an expert at evaluating customer service after growing up listening to her stories. When she’s not at the ice rink with her husband cheering on their daughter, Mercaldo and her family also love to travel, cook and enjoy water sports.
Working Parents: Get Rid of Guilt, Blame, Shame and Regret, Once and for All
Guest ContributionGuest contributed by Lauren Marie
With the rise of social media, the prevalence of judgment on parents has reached epidemic proportions.
This US study found that 90% of moms and 85% of dads feel judged by others, and nearly half of all parents feel judged almost all the time. This constant demand to conform to others’ rules not only undermines a parent’s wellbeing, it also stifles their ability to follow their dreams and create new financial opportunities for themselves and their families.
It doesn’t seem to matter whether you stay home to raise your children, put them in day care, have a nanny or family member caring for them, or something else. People feel they have the right to judge you for any choice you make involving children,
Is there a ‘right’ path for working parents? What if, rather than looking for what the right decisions are, you began to look for what your choices create, and choose what works for your family, regardless of other people’s judgments?
The modern family has grown undefined and can look completely different in every household. The idea that one size can fit all is a little crazy. What will work for you and your kids might not work for another family and that is okay!
Your choice creates awareness
Each choice you make will give you more clarity and direction to inform the choices you will make in the future. Instead of judging each choice as right or wrong, what if you look at the information you gained, and change course based on what occurs as you go? For example, let’s say you try out one day care based on a friend’s recommendation. Your child comes home unhappy, doesn’t want to go back, or cries every time you drop them off. This doesn’t mean that you made a bad choice. It is just more information you can use to make the next choice better and to give you more awareness of what works or doesn’t work for your child.
We think that we must make a decision and hold onto it, for fear that if we change our minds it will mean we were wrong or did something bad.
The capacity to change, to not have a fixed point of view, but rather a malleable reality that can look totally different in any moment, is one of your greatest gifts to the world and to your children.
Without having to hold onto a decision or a point of view, with no need of being right, and a total willingness to change on a dime, would you have to feel guilt or shame? What if you looked at the mistakes you’ve made as a chance to learn and grow and become greater?
Your children learn from watching and modeling you
If you judge yourself, you’re teaching your children to judge themselves too. Instead, have allowance for your choices, even the so-called mistakes, and you will teach your children to have allowance for themselves too.
That doesn’t mean you act without care or consequence. On the contrary, it means you ask questions all the time and choose based on what will create greater change for everyone involved.
Asking questions
When your children are at an age where they can reason and understand, begin asking them what works for them. Ask them where they want to go to school, who they want to play with, which nanny they like best? It doesn’t mean you have to do whatever your child wants, but it will allow them to feel empowered to make choices and gives you more information and feedback. You can also ask yourself questions… “I wonder what would happen if we chose to do: X, Y, or Z?”
What if you became curious again, about everything, the way children are?
Judging never creates greater
Guilt, blame, shame and regret are all based on judgment. Judging someone or something doesn’t make it better. It only locks what you are judging further into place. If you want something to change, you have to make a different choice.
We need to take pressure off ourselves by not looking at ourselves through other people’s eyes and by discovering what is actually true for us. Every time you begin to judge yourself, stop. It is a choice; it is not an automatic. Your point of view can actually become reality. If you believe you are not good enough, you never get it right, you’re a terrible mother … that’s what will reflect back at you.
You must put your kids to bed at a certain time, have limited amounts of “screen time,” read to them, give them appropriate social cues, teach them to play nicely with others. I’m sure you’ve heard all of this and more as the right way to parent and the right way to be a working mom. What you want to start looking at is which of these ‘rules’ are true and work for you and your kids, not just buy them all as real because someone else tells you it is so.
Judgments are not real. Let other people judge you however they judge you, don’t make it significant. You know you better than anyone. Trust in that; trust in you.
If you want to empower your children to love themselves, to trust themselves, and to make good decisions for themselves, you must show them by practicing allowance and trust for you first.
Practice gratitude for you
To truly get rid of guilt, blame, shame and regret, be grateful for who you are in the world, who you are in the workplace, who you are at home. This will start to shift the feelings of guilt and regret. When they come up, focus instead on something you can be grateful for about you. Watch the negative feelings shrink as the gratitude grows. Gratitude and judgment cannot coexist. It’s a muscle you can choose to build, and the more you use it the stronger it gets.
About the Author
Lauren Marie is a Joy of Business facilitator, acupuncturist, entrepreneur and mother of twins. She travels worldwide, facilitating classes and changing her clients’ point of view about life, health and business. Born on the outskirts of Washington D.C., Lauren now lives on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. A passionate creator and conscious rule-breaker, Lauren seeks to inspire other mothers to see the possibilities they overlook and to embrace every challenge and choice that parenthood brings.
The opinions and views expressed by guest contributors are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of theglasshammer.com
Voice of Experience: Mariana Martinez, Family Dynamics Consultant for The Private Bank, a Wells Fargo business
Hispanic Heritage, Voices of Experience“I have been guided and helped by other professionals who might have pushed me to my limits, but that just allowed me to expand those limits,” she says. “It’s hard to imagine a professional career without sponsorship, so I look forward to paying it back during this second part of my career through being an active sponsor myself.”
She also reminds women that there are multiple ways they can be successful in their careers and encourages them to keep going and experimenting to find what works for them.
Finding The Thread In Multiple Career Paths
Dr. Martinez has always found that to be the right way to approach her next professional endeavor. With a varied career path ranging from preschool teacher to psychologist to wealth advisor, one might not immediately see a tie. But for Dr. Martinez, the thread linking these various efforts is clear—they are all tied to being adept at understanding human behavior and how we think and make decisions, whether she’s working with a student, a parent or a client.
“Through working with people in all different circumstances, I definitely discovered the commonalities in realizing what binds us together and what makes us tick.”
This ability to focus on human behavior also points to the professional achievement she is most proud of—leading others to achieve their goals. At various times it has been students, other teachers or a family, and the goals might have been helping a marriage stay together after an affair or finding common ground among previously estranged siblings who were able to come together to help aging parents.
She sees her work with Wells Fargo’s Private Bank as a culmination of all her other experiences as she serves families and helps them navigate their relationships so they can achieve the goal of preserving not only their wealth but also their family unity.
Dr. Martinez finds her work to be particularly fascinating when she is on the cutting edge of incorporating non-traditional financial elements. “I get to help clients think through the options of their decisions beyond finances to consider the impact of these decisions on the family.”
Appreciating the Benefits as a Career Path for Women
Martinez has found that being a Family Dynamics consultant is deeply satisfying not only as a professional, but also as a woman. “I appreciate the firm’s focus on achievement, and the importance of our contribution.”
In addition she says that the profession allows her to incorporate other roles she has as a woman in a balanced way. “I don’t have to deny that I have a family or other responsibilities because the environment I’m currently in favors the ability to mix them successfully.”
In fact, she says that her role is particularly conducive to experiencing support. “I can speak about what’s going on in my life without being perceived as unprofessional and don’t have a fear of being judged. I believe that we are more successful when we can integrate multiple aspects of our lives holistically and not feel we have to hide certain parts to be respected as a professional.”
Martinez puts effort into maintaining connections with her family of origin back in Mexico, and while it requires an infusion of time and resources, it is a clear goal to go back as much as she can. In addition she adds that she works to be mindful about taking time for herself to read, pray and relax. “I find that I am rewarded when I am purposeful with my time.”
Thought Leader: Ana Duarte McCarthy, Director of Development, Corporate Partners, Forté
Featured, Hispanic Heritage, Thought LeadersFinding a New Purpose
Throughout her career, Duarte McCarthy has focused on diversity and inclusion, most recently serving as a managing director and chief diversity officer for Citi. When she left in 2016, it was a good time to take stock of where her next opportunity could come from. First, she notes, she practiced the self-care we all deserve and took a couple months to travel, remained active on the board of the NJ Somerset County YMCA, and even purged closets and tackled all those small tasks that help us retain control over our personal life.
Then September rolled around, and that “back to school” feeling inspired her to figure out what was next. “I realized I felt untethered without a daily set of goals and objectives, and I missed having the opportunity to make a difference.”
A friend approached her about an opportunity to join Forté, which had been a long-time Citi partner and had a mission that appealed to her with its laser focus on increasing women in business leadership. Her other diversity work had covered a variety of communities, such as veterans, LGBQT+ and other cultural groups—all important. However, women had always been an aspect of these groups, and this gave her a chance to focus more deeply on women’s issues. That was a mission that was especially important to her, since as the mother of a daughter, she had a deep interest in assuring that her daughter had opportunities that had previously been obstacles.
Duarte McCarthy began in a fundraising role and has now moved into the position of director of development for corporate partners, where she works to identify companies that have a commitment to advancing women and express the values of diversity and inclusion. Often these forward-thinking companies are recruiting undergrads or MBA students and want to amplify their brand as a top recruiter for diversity. Having been a diversity lead for so many years, Duarte McCarthy has a special skill in talking with them about their pain points and how Forté can support them in their missions.
A Focus on Latinas
Assisting all women is important, but as a Latina herself of Dominican descent, Duarte McCarthy has a special heart for helping other Latinas. “I meet many women after conferences who might not have people in their immediate circles who can be a mentor so I try to reach out,” she says. And she believes it’s critical to break misperceptions about Hispanic women. “There’s a lot of bundling of Hispanic women together, but we cut across race and ethnicity, and there are also multiple diverse issues around socioeconomic scale and whether someone is a first- or fourth-generation student. It’s an interesting mosaic, and I believe I can support and advance the next generation of Latina women.”
One of the Forté programs she is particularly proud of is the Forté Forum, which enables women to explore the value of an MBA. They can hear from women currently enrolled in business schools and women who have completed their degrees, as well as get tips on completing the admissions process. Duarte McCarthy was particularly delighted when her 23-year-old daughter, a business analyst, came to one of the presentations to consider her future. “She’s always been supportive of me as a working mom, and it’s exciting to see her next chapter.”
More Work to Be Done
As Duarte McCarthy surveys the landscape, she points to an aspect of complacency and fatigue, as many like her have been pursuing the mantle of diversity and inclusion for so long, starting back when it was generally under the portfolio of affirmative action and/or equal employment opportunities.
Significant advances have been made, of course. For example, Forté was launched in 2001, on the heels of research on the value of an MBA for women, which comprised 25%-28% of the enrolled class, a number that has bumped up to 38% today. She is excited by this increase in women pursuing MBAs, as well as the varied career paths they choose to pursue, such as positions in supply chain management and investment banking as they truly take advantage of the breadth of careers available.
While that is heartening, she notes that there is more to be done; notably, that the pay gap persists. “This cultural aspect to pay people equitably needs a lot of attention,” Duarte McCarthy says. In addition, she says that while the drumbeat around MeToo has given people a voice, it’s unfortunate that is such a prevailing narrative in the workplace. “We have made so many strides, but our work is more important than ever.
“We have to keep up the energy because there’s still a lot of work to do,” she says. “We all have an opportunity to make a difference around D&I; it’s not for someone else—none of us can just be a bystander. We can all make a difference with how we lead and support our colleagues and those coming up the ranks.”
6 Tips to Understanding the Company Culture Before You Take the Job
Career Tip of the Week!How many times have you seen a high performer move firms and just not do so well? That person has not lost their talent or work ethic, nor has their personality changed. The environment or ecosystem in which they are operating has changed and it is organizational culture (or team culture for that matter) which makes or breaks successful female and male executives at work.
Organizational culture is quite simply about “how do we do things around here? How does work get done?” and spotting it can be easier said than done. Having recently read a couple of pieces on how you know when you have taken the wrong job, including a humorous one by Liz Ryan, I wanted to supply you with six tips to help you understand how work gets done before you say yes to the job (get the offer, or close to the offer, before you ask, perhaps?):
#1 Ask what gets tolerated that shouldn’t in the team
#2 Ask what a high performer looks like
#3 Ask who the high performers are (clue: if they rattle off only men’s names and there are plenty of women on the team, that should be further investigated)
#4 Ask what the leader’s strategic vision is and how that is being executed by this team specifically?
#5 Ask if they could change one thing for the team to be even better than it is, what would that be?
#6 Ask how closely the team operates to the firm values regarding policies that matter to you such as remote working, flex time, parental leave, taking vacation, etc.
You might be surprised at the answers. And, of course, hear what they are saying, not what you think you want to hear!
If you would like to have Nicki Gilmour or one of theglasshammer vetted coaches as your coach, schedule an exploratory call here!
Voice of Experience: Shana E. Ramirez, Partner, Katten
Hispanic Heritage, Voices of ExperienceRamirez began her career in the finance area of law in New York after graduating from University of Michigan Law School. She moved to Los Angeles and worked with two firms before joining Katten as a partner in the commercial finance practice in 2018. Her experience covers a variety of financings and arrangements, including acquisition finance, leveraged finance, subordinated debt facilities, asset-based credit facilities, subscription facilities, investment grade credit facilities, transactions involving real estate and first lien/second lien transactions. Since joining Katten, she has established strong client relationships as she continues to build her practice, which she names among her most important achievements.
In addition to her work in the leveraged loan space, currently Ramirez’s work includes developing bespoke financial arrangements for private investment funds, which she has found to be challenging and interesting; as she says, it’s rewarding to work on something new in a world where most of the strategies have been done before. Specifically, she has seen exciting new trends and innovative solutions for creating leverage for private investment funds. “It will be interesting to see how private investment funds continue to find unique ways to leverage their portfolios,” she says.
Finding Balance as She Enters a New Chapter
As Ramirez points out, women often try to be the best at all their varied roles—mom, wife, caregiver or employee—and it can be hard to balance all that at any one time, given the competing demands. As she is due with her first child in early September, she has seen a lot of women go through this new life stage and knows how challenging it can be. “It takes effort to balance our desire to want to excel in all areas, including our personal lives.”
She encourages younger women to stay the course—even when it can be harder to see the path forward—especially if working in male-dominated industries. While it can be demanding and you might often feel pushed to your limits, she has found the pay-off is worth it if you stick with it rather than veering onto another path.
And she reminds women who have succeeded as attorneys to always be supportive of one another, the same way that they are the best advocates they can be for clients. She particularly appreciates when other young moms offer advice, and she is able to build a community around that commonality.
That’s why Ramirez encourages younger attorneys to foster relationships with other female attorneys and keep them strong. “You never know when your paths will cross again,” she says. “I would not be where I am without the relationships I have built,” she says, encouraging fellow attorneys to stay in touch even after they’ve left a particular firm or are no longer working together.
A Focus on Diversity and Inclusion Extends Outside Her Work Day
Ramirez is an active participant in Katten’s Women’s Leadership Forum, a women-focused group that hosts events designed to support female attorneys in their career development. “It’s a relatively smaller group, so it’s easy to get to know people better in this type of setting; as a new partner I felt very welcome,” she says, adding that they have been extremely supportive regarding her pregnancy and upcoming maternity leave.
As a diverse attorney, Ramirez has a strong history of pro bono service in Southern California, ranging from assisting domestic violence victims with U visa applications to helping families with adoption petitions. She has always felt a philanthropic tie and prioritizes giving back as a board member for Public Counsel, the largest pro bono firm in the country. Based in Los Angeles, the firm tackles issues of homelessness, adoption, consumer fraud, immigration matters and more working with its pro bono partners including Katten. “It’s important for me as a minority female partner to look out for others and the issues that are important to them.”
Mover and Shaker: Sylvia Guinan, Financial Advisor, Wells Fargo Advisors
Movers and ShakersIt is incredibly rewarding to help individuals feel a sense of clarity, confidence and control over their investments and more importantly their future. “Years ago, the industry might have been all about stocks and performance, and while that’s still important, now everything is much more holistic. Client’s dreams, goals and fears are what drive the investment process. Women are skilled at connecting and getting people to talk about what is most meaningful to them, as well as what their fears and concerns are, which makes them excellent financial advisors,” she says.
While the number one cause of chronic stress among adults is finances, she finds that the truth is that when you dig deeper, most people are not concerned just about what they’re investing in, but how their finances can work for them by supporting them and their future plans.
A Focus on Providing Solace During Divorce
Guinan began her career at Smith Barney in New York, focusing on this type of holistic investment planning, which has always been the core of her business. She moved to Wells Fargo Advisors in 2009, where she was able to continue that commitment to ensuring each of her clients has a solid plan driving their investment decisions. “I feel fortunate that I’ve always loved what I do, and what creates that satisfaction is my long-term, meaningful connection with the clients; you almost become family because you’re one of the first phone calls when something exciting happens or when they have a need.”
Over the past several years, Guinan has created a niche practice, with nearly 70 percent of her clients being women in transition – divorce, widowhood or financial changes. She has earned her designation as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®) and has built a strong rapport with divorce attorneys, mediators, accountants, psychologists and therapists. Most recently, she has teamed up with a prominent attorney in New London, CT, for what they call “Second Saturday” events, where they deliver a presentation aimed at giving advice to these clients as they begin to explore the beginning process of their transition, and have received an excellent response.
“I’ve always wanted to make a difference, and here I am able to work with women going through the most difficult times of their lives and give them hope and a new perspective as they move forward. We aim to offer them clarity around their proposed settlements, confidence by showing them where they stand by illustrating it in their investment plan and a sense of control as they start to rewrite their new chapter.”
Her confidence in exploring this area comes from lessons she has learned over the years including that if you are authentic, you will attract clients with whom you connect. Previously, she had assumed you had to emulate what a man might be like – more subdued. However, as Guinan has transitioned to being her ‘real self,’ she discovered that she is attracting clients with whom she find a good fit.
She advises younger professionals to connect with clients who are aligned with their process and to be selective when onboarding new clients. “I still have a great majority of clients with whom I started my practice, and my assistant and I have noticed that our success has come from working with like-minded clients, where it becomes reciprocal and they want to welcome you inter their inner circle by referring their family and friends. But it’s important to spend time upfront having the ‘fit’ meeting since you can’t be all things to all people,” Guinan says. Not only is the new prospective client interviewing you, you are also interviewing them to see if they are a good fit.
Finding Balance in Circles of Support
One important support system she has found through Wells Fargo Advisors is the annual Women’s Summit that gathers advisors from around the country for collaboration and vision sharing. She went the first year she joined the firm and hasn’t missed one since.
Sylvia obtained the firm’s DELTA designation, which is a high-end practice management coaching program that Wells Fargo offers their advisors. Upon completing the 19 modules with firm trained coaches, Sylvia became fully implemented and attends their annual meeting. She is also in a DELTA peer group she and seven other advisors started to support each other and share best practices. Sylvia said DELTA is by far the best training she has ever received.
Additionally she feels revived being with her three children. Living across the street from the beach, they enjoy being near the water and reveling in the beauty of the sunsets.
The family also enjoys traveling and have been to Puerto Rico, St. Martin, St. Thomas and Cuba, among other locations. She has a tradition when each of her kids turns 15 in which they do a one-on-one trip; so far, she has been to the Bahamas with her son and Bali with one daughter.
She also faithfully practices yoga, which she calls “meditation in motion,” allowing her to clear her head and ‘fill her cup’ so she can be more present when she is with clients, family and friends. “It trains you to release distractions and go with the flow, which helps me be more observant,” Guinan says, adding that she particularly appreciates the practice of ending every session with “Namaste,” which means “the light in me honors the light in you.”
“It’s a beautiful message that I hope I am able to convey in all my relationships, especially in this day and age,” she says.
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