You Know What You Want, But What Are You Committing To?
by Aimee Hansen
What desire or longing do you have?
Is there something you want to be, or do, or feel or have?
Is there something within that seeks to be expressed or experienced, or that calls for a change?
Okay, but what are you committing to?
You may know what you want, but are you affirming your desire and moving towards it?
Often, we habitually commit to undermining our desires.
Until we bring this harsh truth into awareness, we might be working against ourselves. If you have a desire that you are not nurturing, asking yourself this question:
Instead of your desire, what are you actually committing to?
Ask in a day-in, day-out kind of way. Ask when it comes to your habits, actions, thoughts and beliefs.
Often, we are not aware or radically self-honest about what we are actually committing to instead of our true desires.
We think of committing to something as being intentional and deliberate investment towards a goal or agreement. But intention is not necessary. In practice, repetitive habit alone creates commitment.
On a daily basis, we might “commit” to bottling up anger, people-pleasing, holding back our “no”, scrolling on our phone, over-working and perpetuating 24/7 availability.
Notice how the language “commit” usually refers to a mistake or a crime, whereas commitment refers to a focused dedication.
Take this example of how habit becomes commitment: activate screen time monitoring on your smartphone. How many hours a week are you committing to social media?
Without even realizing it, we do “commit” away from our desires much of the time. If you are dissatisfied in a persistent situation, you can step back and ask yourself what you have been committing to.
This question will often reveal some accountability at play, even if it’s as simple as continued acquiescence to and participation in a situation or circumstance you are not aligned with.
We often commit to a repetition of thoughts and actions that are tethered to our conditioning or our comfort zone or our fear.
What is happening now?
Check in by asking what is actually happening now. Often, you are more committed to what is happening than what you say you desire.
Here are three examples:
Desire: to write a book
Reality: not writing it
Committing to: working overtime, spending time with your kids, scrolling on Facebook, Netflix before bed, going to the gym, reiterating beliefs about not being qualified, etc
Desire: to be promoted
Reality: stagnant in your position
Committing to: doing office housework, focusing only on skills that you feel comfortable and competent in, being productive rather than demonstrating leadership and delegation, waiting for recognition rather than active self-promoting, etc
Desire: a loving, supportive relationship
Reality: a confusing, uncommitted relationship
Committing to: chasing unavailable people, subjugating your own needs, sticking with what doesn’t work, rationalizing someone else’s behavior, fantasizing what could be rather than seeing reality, etc
As you can see, what you are committed to is not always a negative thing. However, sometimes it is self-sabotaging or shows a lack of faith that you could have what you want.
What can you do?
Seeing what you are currently committing helps to reveal how you actually feel and what the braver action might be.
Perhaps it’s not the time to write that book based on what you value right now, so you can stop beating yourself over the head with “should”.
Perhaps you have not realized that you are hiding in your comfort zone,and you realize it’s time to start playing at the level you wish to reach.
Perhaps commitment to what you want you requires walking away from what is not good enough, with faith what you want will come.
In each case, it’s enlightening to see what you are actually committing to and whether that aligns with your true desires for yourself.
What are you believing?
Also, consider whether your mind and heart are in coherence with your desire. There’s a reason why we commit to what we’re actually doing now, even if unconscious.
Our current behavior may match our sense of self-worth, or self-love or our conditioning around what is possible for us or what is normal. It may be rewarding at the egoic fear-based level.
We often want something and also hold limiting beliefs about why it is not desirable or possible, for us. We might hold beliefs that would make the realization itself hollow.
You want to write a book. But your idea about who a published author is doesn’t match your own sense of yourself.
You want a promotion. But you are also terrified the new role would just mean more anxiety.
You want a supportive, loving relationship. But you fear that relationship means compromise and you are too much for anyone.
Despite knowing what we want, some parts of our internal selves might run contradictory to realizing it, or even letting ourselves fully want it.
As Anne Lamott writes, “If you’re not enough before the gold medal, you won’t be enough with it.”
By asking yourself what you long for, observing what you are actually committed to (instead), and investigating the beliefs underpinning what you are habitually doing, you can gift yourself a wake up call.
And then, you can choose to re-orient your energies towards alignment with what you really want.
