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You have worked hard for your career or position and did a lot to achieve where you are at now.

You’ve seen a lot and know there is nothing you can’t handle. Then there’s that co-worker. The one “bad apple” you just can’t stand or get along with – perhaps they’re negatively impacting teams, projects or just making your work-life needlessly more challenging.

A nerve-wracking work relationship can quickly become a personal burden leading to stress, frustration and lack of motivation. It can result in a less than enjoyable work environment, and perhaps even effect the capabilities you have in your role.
You may also intentionally or unintentionally draw other colleagues into the toxic situation as you try to cope.

The good news is, it is possible to deal with even the most problematic co-workers and difficult colleagues, and it starts with following a few simple rules:

Acknowledge the situation as it is. Don’t try and pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. The first step to moving forward is seeing the situation as it is, not as you want it to be, or hope it to be. If is not working for you, acknowledge that is the case, even if only to yourself.

Recognize it’s not personal. If you have spent any time speculating that the behavior of the problematic person is personal and about you, stop it now. It’s not. They may have something else going on in their lives that you don’t know about. It may not even have anything to do with you. You may be the convenient target right now, but they are not behaving this way because of you, so there is no point in wondering what you might’ve said or did wrong to create the situation.

Don’t let it consume you or overpower you. Whenever you choose to see yourself as powerless and without choice due to what another person chooses, you make yourself a victim. You don’t have to lose happiness and fulfillment in your life because of someone else’s behavior. You are never powerless. Ask yourself, “What choices do I actually have here that I haven’t considered yet?” Also, don’t obsess and talk about it all the time to others as it makes the problem bigger. Put your mind towards choices, actions and conversations that are empowering for all.

Be grateful for that person. This may sound like an impossible request, especially if someone has been making life miserable for a while, but just try it for 20 seconds a day. What contribution are they and what can you be grateful for about them? Gratitude and anger can’t coexist – so by instilling gratitude and focusing less on the anger and upset, the tensions will tend to dissolve it and make it less significant.

Start fresh every day. Resentments build up over time because we hold onto memories of yesterday. We keep referencing them in our minds until we are already angry, frustrated and preparing for conflict or problems before then next interaction. If you give everyone a clear slate, every day (including you and your difficult colleague or co-worker), yesterday has less influence on determining the present, and you will be open to something other than conflict, fight or problems occurring. Choose to be kind even if they aren’t, choose to be happy rather than approaching that person with anger and frustration due to the past, and go into every moment with them wondering, “What could be possible here I haven’t considered?”

Always be you. Don’t turn into someone else around that person, don’t stop being you or make yourself small. The simple tool of, “Interesting point of view,” can assist. The idea is, whenever the anger, upset, reaction or judgment about that person (or about yourself in relation to that person) comes up, you say to silently to yourself, “Oh, interesting point of view, I have that point of view.” Repeat it several times and notice how the “charge” or intensity of the reaction begins to dissipate. When we do reaction or judgement, you aren’t being present as yourself. With “Interesting point of view,” you stop the reaction loop and get to be, choose, and act, as you.

In a perfect world, we would live and work by the Musketeer’s guiding principle of: “One for all and all for one,” but unfortunately, we don’t always get the colleagues who make that easily possible. Big egos, sneaky schemers, toxic gossips, lazy lopers, reckless careerists and obnoxious attitudes show up in business just as much as in life. But with these tools, you can be less at the effect of problematic people, stay true to yourself, and be the source for instigating greater outcomes for you and all involved.

Guest Contributors Views are their own and not affiliated in any way with the glasshammer.com

About Doris Schachenhofer

After completing her social work studies in Vienna, Doris Schachenhofer worked with children, homeless people, delinquent teenagers and prisoners transitioning back into the real world. Today she travels the world teaching and supporting people to be more of themselves. Her Being You classes are delivered in both live and online settings. Follow Doris here and on Instagram.

Happy New Year 2019
Happy New Year from theglasshammer! Welcome 2019.

Instead of talking about New Year’s resolutions and the very interesting psychology behind them, I will ask you to simply take actions to help yourself and in turn, help others.

Firstly, tell your story. Although it might seem unremarkable to you, others might really be inspired to do more than they thought possible because you trail blazed for them. All of the women that we have profiled (over 1000) have had an amazing amount of experience and wisdom to share and since we are all different, it is always great to hear about different approaches to one’s career.

Secondly, pass on your wisdom and this can be formally as a mentor or a sponsor (by giving access to projects and people) or informally such as over a chat or a site like this one.

Thirdly, be yourself but know what that is exactly. You, according to you can be different to you, according to them. Work with a great coach (we offer coaching services, book an exploratory call here to see if there is a fit) to determine your behaviors, traits and skills and then how you are perceived in the social system you are operating in. How do you show up? What is your impact versus your intention on people and situations?

We are looking to you, the collective wisdom of the readership to contribute more this year. So if you would like to contribute with an op-ed, or a career article or be profiled, please let me know (write to nicki@glasshammer2.wpengine.com and put “editorial” in the title of the email).

As you know, we do not exist without sponsors, so if you would kindly ask your company to sponsor this site to show the organizational commitment and employer of choice commitment that they espouse to have, we would be very grateful.

Here is to a successful, happy, healthy, productive and stress-free 2019

Best Wishes
Nicki Gilmour
Founder and Publisher

Sarah Wolman Passport PhotoWhen you consider your career, it’s vital to get clear on what brings you joy, says Sarah Wolman.

“You don’t have to choose between work that allows you to feel fulfilled and that would put food on the table,” she says, encouraging other new professionals to talk to people about what they do and ask good questions that help them understand how people spend their time. “Find out what will make you feel you’re making a meaningful contribution, and listen for those opportunities that mesh.”

And, she points out—it might take a whole career to find those. “Your career will be long, so the secret is to continue looking for those positions that combine what you’re good at with what you love,” she says, adding that this has been true of her own career. Each piece made sense after the last one.

Building on Opportunities Where She Found Them

Majoring in comparative literature and French and Italian, Wolman wrapped up the majority of her coursework early, which allowed her to take classes in the sociology department, delving into her interest in policies around women, children and families. She left with an interest in policy work and took a position with the Office of the Mayor of the City of New York as a policy analyst, which provided the perfect birds-eye view into a wide variety of programs that existed, and also illuminated needs.

While there, she realized that the professionals above her all had obtained law degrees, so she thought that might be the best route to become a decision-maker. She attended law school, harboring no expectations of practicing law, but rather to further her ability to focus on issues of equity and social justice.

During her first summer of law school, Wolman did a Human Rights fellowship. During her second summer, her work was again funded by her law school Wolman through a public interest law fellowship that allowed her to do socially conscious work with a nonprofit called Legal Outreach. She ran a five-week law school-like internship for eighth graders, not designed to create future lawyers but rather to help motivate the students toward college and careers in general. “I remain so proud of what the kids accomplished over the years; they worked so hard every day after school, every Saturday and every summer, and ultimately they achieved their goals.”

The following year she returned and took a year-long course with the organization’s Executive Director. During the fall, she learned Family Law and a teaching methodology, and then in the spring, she and the other law students taught law in eighth grade social studies classes in Harlem. She describes her first day teaching as nerve-wracking, and yet standing on the subway platform, she called her husband and announced she had missed her calling—she was supposed to be a teacher. From that time, she remained involved with the organization for more than 10 years, including full-time, part-time and volunteer roles.

Yet when law school graduation rolled around, there were other factors at play. Her husband was still in law school, and so she took a stint at a large, corporate law firm for two years. She found a way to make it work for her, mostly by taking on lots of pro bono work. “There are different times for different things, and at the time, I was the primary breadwinner. Fortunately the firm understood where my interests lay and allowed me time to focus on my pro-bono passion.”

From there, Wolman transitioned to the Administration for Children’s Services and led their Policy & Procedure unit, all the while volunteering at Legal Outreach and joking with the Executive Director about opening a Brooklyn Office. While on her first maternity leave, she got the call to do just that, and she spent the subsequent five years running the site. She then transitioned to part-time after her second maternity leave.

By the time she moved to the New Jersey suburbs, Wolman was ready to be back to full-time. She took a position as the President & CEO of a community-based non-profit, where she was close to home and able to juggle a full schedule. The organization offered counseling programs, domestic violence services, an early childhood center, and other social service programs. She decided to build on the successful Legal Outreach model and start a similar program that would align kids with professionals in law, business and science. She reached out to the Merck Company Foundation to provide science mentors and was thrilled they wanted to support all three aspects of the program.

Following her third and final maternity leave, she decided the demands of the CEO position were too high and instead turned to consulting work; one of her first stints was covering another professional’s maternity leave at the Merck Company Foundation as Manager of the Education grants Portfolio.

Merging her passion for education with a new love for philanthropy, she was recruited by the LEGO Foundation; the only potential deal breaker was that the position was in Switzerland. Encouraged by her husband they dove in, and she has been with the LEGO Foundation ever since, returning to New York four years ago.

Currently she is excited to be working on a program designed to bring play to the youngest refugees in Bangladesh, Lebanon and Jordan in connection with Sesame Workshop. “The LEGO Foundation exists thanks to the incredible generosity of its owner family, which dedicates 25% of all profits of the LEGO Group to the Foundation. With living donors, the onus is on us to make a case for why something is timely and relevant. Displacement is in many ways the moral crisis of our day, so it makes so much sense for the Foundation to get deeply involved in this space. This new effort is a huge statement to the world that anyone who is doing humanitarian work needs to think about young children and their need to play and learn. It’s been a total privilege to work on this project.”

Finding Your Path, No Matter How Winding

As she looks back on a varied and full career, Wolman says that she wishes that younger people would realize that there is a diverse and rich range of options in the professional world. “When I was in law school, we were presented with two options—working in a law firm or legal aid,” Wolman says. “But the world is a more interesting place than that. Those are great options for some but there are so many ways to use a law degree – and so many interesting careers that don’t require one. It never occurred to me that the side of me that loves to be creative and playful would be able to merge with my interest in program development and policy.” Wolman speaks and trains around the world on the connection between learning through play, often traveling with a suitcase full of LEGO bricks. “Sometimes I wish I could see the faces of the airport staff scanning my luggage.”

While Wolman feels like she has arrived at a gratifying point in her career, she sees that the workplace generally hasn’t quite caught up with women’s ambitions and needs. “Success in one industry or workplace is perceived as primarily linear; we think about progressing up a ladder, one rung at a time, but this perspective can be limiting for working moms,” Wolman says. First, the needs of your family and your own personal and professional needs become much more complex, which is why her personal philosophy has always been to make plans one year at a time. “Who’s got what kind of commute? What are the kids’ needs? I always try to be on the lookout for high-impact opportunities that allow me to meet whatever needs we have in any given year. But it’s difficult to find that flexibility and quality of life when you’re looking at careers in a linear way.”

She finds that women who press pause to have children and plan to jump back in at the same level may be doing themselves a disservice. “It’s easy to underestimate how you will feel when you come back in, and how you need to privilege certain parts of your life at certain times, but I believe most fields haven’t caught up to the idea that these needs will vary. The workplace is often not imaginative enough to appreciate the value of individual people and how to make things work for them quite yet.”

That’s where your own personal imagination has to kick in, much like Wolman’s has in building her own ideal career, brick by brick.