Success, Perfection and Losing Our Happiness

Guest Contribution by Yesi Morillo-Gual

Happiness is sought and deserved by everyone, yet many don’t know how define it or if they truly deserve it. Considered “an elusive and evanescent thing”, according to a New York Times article published in December 2013, happiness is something we work against by behaving in ways that deplete us. Our belief of happiness is also dictated by society’s definition and expectations of what we should be, and have. Often associated with titles, money and material possessions, happiness easily becomes a checklist – a series of “to do’s” that should be result in total bliss.

The Deadly Checklist
I was no different than many others. Fruitful career, college degree and a happy family. All the elements I “knew” to be the source of happiness. There I was, having just had a baby, raising a three-year old, newly promoted to Assistant Vice President at Citi, and with a graduate acceptance letter to begin an MBA in the winter of 2003. Just one month after giving birth.

I was on my way to greatness! Having grown up extremely poor and with the belief that I could be nothing more, all of my decisions were executed with the purpose of breaking a cycle of poverty, beating statistics, giving my children what I never had and doing what others said I couldn’t.

I thought I would be happy when my success created stability and financial freedom.

Soon, I was caught in the monotony of responsibility, almost robotic and zombie like from exhaustion and lack of sleep. I refused to evaluate my choices. I refused to succumb to what Dr. Romila Mushtaq calls “career burnout”. I continued telling myself that “semesters would end, vacations would come and promotions allowed flexibility”, and through those times I’d rest.

I pressed forward, successfully completing two semesters and getting promoted again. I was a stellar executive, accomplished student and mother of the year. Perception wise, I had it all.

But I was miserable.

The breaking point came in the form of a cold, turned flu, complicated by bronchitis and walking pneumonia. Despite treatment and rest, it would not subside. I continued to resist, telling myself it would pass, pressing forward harder. My body finally decided it wasn’t going to budge. I missed work, failed a class, and wasn’t able to be present for my family. Then as a final blow, depression kicked in.

It was during this state I realized that I wasn’t trying to be successful; I was trying to be perfect.

Why? I didn’t think I deserved to have it all. I didn’t think I was worthy of happiness.

In the pursuit of perfection I forgot how to live. “When we chase perfection, it has us constantly chasing an unrealistic future”, writes Dr. Mushtaq. I was pursuing what I thought I was “supposed” to be, not necessarily what I wanted at the time. It wasn’t that I couldn’t be successful; it was that I was expending energy trying to please others, get through the stupid checklist and beating the statistics.

Deep down we all desire that state of bliss, yet work against it. This is what University of Texas professor Raj Raghunathan, Ph.D. refers to in his blog as “happiness-eroding options”. We focus on tying happiness to possessions and titles, or treating it like a carrot stick (i.e., “when I get ‘this’, then I’ll have ‘that’”). Think for a moment what would happen if you were stripped of your title and material possessions. Would you still be happy?

I had to separate myself from the job title, student status and mother and reevaluate what I was working towards, and why.

Change of Perspective
Happiness begins when we give ourselves permission to be happy. It intensifies when we let go of “happiness-eroding” behaviors and believes. It gets even better when we understand that being happy is not selfish, scarce and short-lived

Although difficult and took me some steps back, I reduced my school workload, got vocal at work about needing flexibility and asked for additional help from my husband. My professors, bosses and hubby were happy to support. I learned that the support had always been there, but I was too busy “being it all” and not asking for help.

Through this experience, I learned that success is not a “destination”, but an ongoing process, with highs and lows. It does not need to be rushed.

Today, I’m no less busy than I was during that time. What’s different is that I don’t get worked up about the dishes, the messy bed or having a mile long list completed. If non-crucial things don’t get done, the world doesn’t end.

I’ve also employed a few things to keep me grounded. These may be of help to you if you find yourself seeking perfection:

1. Take Care of Yourself – Stop! Unplug. Breathe. Be Still. Good health is our foundation, giving us the energy needed to get things done.

2. Be Grateful – It’s also important to be grateful for the things that are going well, even when you’re struggling. It is what Dr. Mushtaq calls “an attitude of gratitude” It helps put things into perspective.

3. Give Yourself Some Credit – We handle so much on a daily basis, for others and ourselves. Honor yourself for those contributions, as they are many.

4. Ask For Help – We are prideful beings, with an “I want it done right” attitude. I bet there are a couple of things on your lengthy to do list that can be handed off.

Five years ago if I were asked what happiness was I’d say, “being successful”. Today I would say that happiness is letting go of the need to be perfect.

Guest Contributions do not reflect the views or opinions of The Glass Hammer