Why Forgiveness is an Essential Leadership Practice

Contributed by CEO Coach Henna Inam

I was with a good friend and former colleague this week and she was sharing about her family ritual of Yom Kippur (the Jewish Day of Atonement). Yom Kippur is the day when Jews try to amend their “behavior and seek forgiveness for wrongs done against God and against other human beings.” In her family tradition, my friend and her husband talk with their two young kids and ask for forgiveness for hurts. I mentioned to her how fantastic it was that the Jewish faith teaches kids and reminds adults how to take responsibility for their actions and how everyone both learns to ask for forgiveness and also give forgiveness.  In my executive coaching work with clients, I’ve discovered that forgiveness is a great leadership practice for our work lives as well.

Have you ever felt slighted by others at work? Do you think you’ve ever hurt a work colleague by your actions? I know I probably thoughtlessly hurt people (and there are definitely a few I am sure I thoughtfully hurt!). My biggest challenge in forgiveness happened when a former boss of mine wanted to transfer me to a different assignment prematurely. She had someone else she wanted to bring in and didn’t even have the courtesy to talk with me herself about her plans. Instead she sent the HR person in. I wasn’t ready to change assignments and she certainly hadn’t consulted me about the change. I was confronted by a sense of failure at leaving a job half-completed and a sense of shame associated with the failure. I carried that hurt and anger for a long time. Then, I saw a Buddhist saying that resonated with me “You are not punished for your anger. You are punished by your anger.” I decided to just let it go.

My anger had definitely impacted my ability to work with her and also my engagement in the work. The lack of trust between us impacted the business and impacted my team. What finally enabled me to let it go was when I acknowledged the emotions in the stages of grief and realized the blessings of that hard experience. The experience had helped me learn about forgiveness. It helped me be humble in the face of failure, learn resilience, and certainly put me on the path to doing what I do now.

Tangibly here are three reasons forgiveness as a leadership practice makes sense:

1. Forgiveness builds engagement and accountability. We start by forgiving ourselves for “crimes against ourselves.” How does beating ourselves up for what we have done serve us? Releasing the guilt frees us up to learn the lessons, move on, and be more vibrant and creative. Forgiving others by not carrying a grudge also energizes us in the work we’re doing. When we let go of our grudges we release a lot of pent up energy that is available to create the kind of impact we are here to create. A new kind of power is available to us when we take accountability for our actions by asking for forgiveness.
2. Forgiveness builds trust.I had someone who worked for me come up to me once and apologize. She said that she had spoken ill of me behind my back and was sorry about this. I didn’t know any of that. But her simple act of asking for forgiveness forged a much deeper level of trust and connection than if she had not brought this up. It showed courage, vulnerability and integrity and that always builds connection and trust. Based on Edelman research, trust levels in our institutions are at all-time lows and very much needed in organizations today.
3. Forgiveness builds Collaboration. Ever worked in a team where team members hold grudges against one another? How much fun is that? How effective are these teams in getting the best work done? Is creativity really unleashed in these teams? Do they have the best outcomes?

So here are some practices for asking for forgiveness and forgiving people at work.  But for forgiveness to be genuine, we have to get ourselves in the right place first.  When we feel slighted by others, there is a loss of pride, of trust, of self-esteem and we have to let ourselves go through a grieving process to get to forgiveness.  As you do these exercises, know that there is probably emotion that will come up. The key is to not resist what comes up nor dwell in the drama of it.  Just acknowledge it, fully feel what comes up and let it pass.

1. Forgive Yourself First.  What have we not forgiven ourselves for? Are we carrying around some guilt because we didn’t do something right? In your journal, write down:
   • A list of what you believe you have done wrong in your interactions with people
   • How these actions have harmed them, and how these actions have harmed you
   • What you have learned from the experience, what are the blessings of this experience
   • Make a declaration that you’re “letting go” and forgiving yourself
2. Ask for Forgiveness. The biggest step in asking for forgiveness is getting over ourselves. Our ego doesn’t want to admit that we actually did something wrong. Our pride perceives asking for forgiveness as “lowering ourselves” and admitting failure. Actually, asking for forgiveness is one of the greatest acts of courage. We expect others to get upset or angry when we ask for forgiveness, but in the face of our own humility, we inspire others to rise to their own humanity.  We have to get over our own shame and ego a bit but the act of asking for forgiveness is actually very simple:
   • Tell the person what you did
   • Tell them how you feel “I feel bad for the hurt I may have caused you.” This has to be deeply felt, not just a “Oh, sorry, silly me!”
   • Ask them for forgiveness “Will you forgive me? How can I make this up to you?”

   If it is hard to ask for forgiveness, just writing out this exercise will be a great first step and will give us the courage to face others. Of course there are no guarantees that they will forgive us. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters for our own well-being is that we have asked.

3. Practice Being Forgiving. Independent of whether someone has actually asked for forgiveness, we can actually go ahead and decide to just forgive them.  This has enormous benefits for us. When I decided to just let go of my grudge against my former boss, I just felt lighter and better. Here’s how this goes:
   • List the people you feel have hurt you and how you feel you have been hurt
   • Next to their names list how you have hurt yourself by carrying the grudge
   • Ask yourself what are the blessings of this experience. What did you learn?
   • Make a declaration that you’re letting go, you’re forgiving them and you wish them well

In conclusion, I will share a story about an executive coaching client of mine. In working with a cross-functional team of leaders, she was having a hard time collaborating with a couple of people who she felt were undermining her behind her back. We talked about the practice of forgiving these people. As she did some of the forgiveness work, she found her own perspective on her colleagues shifting. She herself started to see them in a different light. This created a space for her to be more open to them and they in turn responded.

So start today. Write just a few lines in your journal. See how it works for you. Do comment on how the practice of forgiveness has helped your leadership. If you would like to connect with me to work through this practice, to experience greater level of collaboration and trust and results in work relationships, I would welcome the connection.

Henna Inam is a CEO Coach focused helping women become transformational leaders. A Wharton MBA, and former C-Suite executive with Novartis and P&G, her passion is to engage, empower, and energize women leaders to transform themselves and their businesses. Sign up for her blog at www.transformleaders.tv.