Are Men the Real Winners with the Rise of Female Breadwinners?
Contributed by Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris
Female breadwinning is often seen as primarily benefitting women. We think of the wins for her – negotiating power in the relationship, freedom to leave a potentially bad match and the professional fulfillment that comes from pursuing a career. However, in writing Female Breadwinners: How They Make Relationships Work and Why They are the Future of the Modern Workforce, I found these benefits hid a larger truth. The true winners of women’s increasing economic empowerment are men; the men these women love, the men they live with, the men they support.
That’s not to say it’s always plain sailing for the early 21st century man whose partner out-earns him. It can lead to resentment, guilt, stress….on both sides. However, her earnings certainly allow a greater sense of freedom and choice than generations of men have known before. Who wouldn’t want to benefit from a higher family income without all the pressure to earn it oneself? As most families now feature two earners, knowing your partner, male or female, can financially provide is a necessity. In a world where security nets are scarce, not seeking a partner who can contribute to the family through labour or earnings is strange. To limit that choice according to gender roles is madness.
The choice to retrain, take a career break, pursue a less lucrative role or become entrepreneurial is a freedom men who have felt the weight of bringing home the bacon have not historically enjoyed. More than ever before, these choices are now being offered to men who love independent, working women with the potential to earn well; female breadwinners. Elise and Lionel, married for 16 years, earned on the same scale when they first met. She was a trainee architect and he worked in IT for a bank. Lionel enjoyed his job, while Elise loved hers, setting her heart on becoming a Parter at her firm.
She explains: ‘My company started out as a small partnership, and the opportunities for growth were fantastic. I earned several rapid promotions. I just knew it would be easier to leverage more freedom to my day if I was senior.’ By the time their daughter, Karen, was born, Elise was indeed a Partner and on a higher salary than Lionel. On the other hand, Lionel’s interest in working in back-office work within financial services was waning. Elise recalls: ‘Before we had children, Lionel was always the favourite uncle to my sister’s kids. I knew he would be great with our own, and he was open to the idea of staying home from the beginning.’
Shortly after Karen was born, Lionel was made redundant from a job he didn’t love. With Elise’s career in the ascendency, they could manage on one income if need be. They knew even if Lionel got another job, it would be precarious because redundancies were becoming commonplace in banking. While Lionel’s career break wasn’t planned, Elise’s career trajectory meant Lionel staying at home was a real option for them; an option that wouldn’t have existed for men a few decades ago.
While Lionel looks after their daughter, he is also re-training in cabinet-making – a woodworking skill he loves, but felt unable to pursue until Elise’s career took off. Elise says: ‘I saw some of my friends who had part-time jobs. They always seemed pulled in two directions. Our arrangements allowed me to focus at work because Lionel is far better with Karen than I would be. She is with the best carer we could provide – her dad. The ballet teacher thinks he’s a brilliant because he always manages to have her hair up in a perfect bun when he takes her to lessons.’
There is little masculine angst for Lionel around childcare. Elise says: ‘Not surprisingly, he struggled most when she was a baby – but so did I. I remember it myself from my few weeks of maternity leave. I’d just crave adult stimulation!’ Lionel makes the most of his social network, going out for lunch and ‘mums’ coffee mornings. He is also confident in his sense of self and focuses on what he is saving the family in childcare costs, which, helps him adapt and even see the bottom-line benefits to choosing this non-traditional role.
Other men have commented to them both how lucky Lionel is and how they would love to be at home with their children. Elise suspects being ‘envied’ makes him stronger in the role. Lionel’s family is similarly supportive. Several years ago his brother built a business, sold it and no longer works for pay. Elise laughs: ‘We joke with his parents at Christmas how they raised two strapping lads, neither of whom work!’
The most satisfied female breadwinners recognise they can earn well and that it’s their choice to manifest that potential by being the main breadwinner. Equally, their partners are able to pursue a passion – rather than a paycheck. People who feel trapped or resentful by being the main breadwinner are those for whom it ceases to be a choice, but rather is an expectation… something with which men have always had to contend. Ladies, welcome to the Boy’s Club.
Female Breadwinners: How they Make Relationships Work and Why They are the Future of the Modern Workplace is available now on Amazon. To download your own Career Savvy Checklist of Female Breadwinners, visit www.femalebreadwinners.com.