Changing the Game: Ending the War on Moms

By Tina Vasquez (Los Angeles)

In her book The War on Moms: On Life in a Family-Unfriendly Nation, author Sharon Lerner is spot-on when she writes, “To say there is a sinister plot against American women is both overblown and exactly right.” She was also right in her astute observation that giving birth is the new financial turning point for many women.

Lerner details the plight of American professional women; working mothers exhausted from their countless obligations at work and home, their lack of options, flexibility, and assistance. The result of years of apathy on behalf of employers – and the country as a whole – has resulted in what Lerner refers to as the “maxed-out generation,” which she characterizes as an “epidemic of exhaustion sweeping through cubicles, cluttered kitchens, and child-care centers around the country.”

According to the author, the things that are really bringing American women down are the things they lack: guaranteed paid maternity leave; decent, affordable child care; health coverage; and good, flexible work options. These things they do not have, but so desperately need, are always in the back of their minds as they also continue to play the role of primary care taker to their children.

“The idea of super moms is a construct created by the media,” Lerner said. “There’s no such thing, it’s something we project on to women. Women [leaders] never say, ‘I’m a super mom.’ We turn them into super moms, but it’s impossible to do everything.”

Despite the challenges, says Lerner, there is reason to be optimistic about the future of motherhood in America.

The Mom-Dad Double Standard

These are sentiments echoed by women across the country from California to New York; intelligent, hard working women who feel like they just can’t catch a break. Being a working mom in the United States today requires that they perform a constant juggling act, attempting to balance their demanding careers with their growing children. Oftentimes those who try to excel at their jobs feel as if it’s at the sake of their children, but quitting is not an option because the income and health care it provides is vital to the well being of their family. If you feel like this, you are not alone.

Shelly, who wishes remain anonymous, works at a major corporation in Los Angeles. She is a single mother raising a ten-year-old daughter alone. When her daughter was a baby, she spent many nights sleeping quietly in her car seat next to Shelly’s desk as she put in the extra hours to get noticed. Despite years of service to the company and her strong work ethic, the working mom feels like she’ll always be seen differently- and it’s not just because she’s a parent.

“When Dads take an afternoon off to coach a baseball team each week, they get praise for making the time for their children. When I have to leave every day to pick up my child from school, it’s a burden to the company,” Shelly said. “When my colleague leaves at 5:30 p.m. because he feels he’s put in enough work for the day, he gets up and leaves without a problem. When I leave, it always seems like my boss believes I left earlier than I should have, even though I arrive before the rest of the team.”

As her daughter got a bit older, Shelly got off the competitive track because she knew she couldn’t keep the long hours and be a mom at the same time. She now has a boss who’s much younger than her and has several years less experience.

“The kind of experience my current boss does have is amazing, though, because it’s the kind you get when you’re working crazy hours and attending all the after-hours meetings,” Shelly said. “In other words, the type of stuff I gave up to be a mom. I’m happy being a mom and I know that in six or so years I can go back to the craziness, but I struggle with the fact that it could be too late then and I will be left to work for bosses – most likely male – who will be younger and younger. I wish I got credit for raising a person who will impact the future.”

The war on moms is not new for Lynn Zuckerman, former Global Chief Administrative Officer of the Global Real Estate Group for Lehman Brothers/Barclays. Zuckerman had her daughter in the early 1980s, and at the time, was working at a company that had very few – if any – senior women. Zuckerman waited until her fifth month of pregnancy to tell her manager that she was pregnant and even then, she said, it was only because none of her clothes were fitting.

“From that point on, the expectation was that I was going to have my child and ‘retire’ in spite of my protests to the contrary. In fact, I was so worried about my job that I gave birth on a Saturday and returned to work the following Wednesday and did not take maternity leave because I felt I had to prove that I was serious about my job,” Zuckerman said. “I always felt that my male managers looked at women differently than men when it came to commitment to work. For example, if a mom would leave early for soccer practice, it was assumed that she was not serious about her job. If a Dad left the office early for practice, he was congratulated for being a great Dad.”

Better Options Make Things Better for Women and Men

The scenarios shared by Shelly and Zuckerman are unfortunately part of the hostile climate many women are working in, but focusing so much attention on what isn’t working won’t get us anywhere.

The War on Working Moms opened many women’s eyes to the possibilities available to the United States if they’d only follow the lead of other developed countries such as France, whose government takes a drastically different approach to family support by offering a postpartum doula as part of their government health care. Pay for the extra help based on a sliding scale, averaging about $1 an hour in out-of-pocket costs.

Having an extra set of hands to cook, clean, and take care of the newborn would undoubtedly change the lives of many American women, but as Lerner is quick to point out, having more flexibility and better health and child care options isn’t just good for women, it’s good for families.

“Men should have flexible work options and better child care too because this isn’t an issue of men vs. women,” Lerner said. “This is about families and better child care benefits for everyone. These issues are usually referenced in how they can be helpful to women because women are still the primary care takers and bear the brunt of the work, but child care is not gender specific – nor should it be.”

Changes on the Horizon

Thankfully, it’s not all gloom and doom for American women. Large and small companies alike are beginning to understand the benefit of offering their employees flexibility in the workplace, allowing mothers – and fathers – to spend more time at home with their children without being made to feel guilty for it. Companies such as Flexpaths are working with numerous businesses and the United States government to implement simple, strategic, and systematic workplace solutions to create a flexible work culture for parents across the country.

According to Lerner, however, the most important – and hope inspiring – change that’s taken place nationwide is a political one. President Obama, who was raised by a single mother, is receptive to family issues and, she said, his overhaul of the health care system has put our country on the right track. It also doesn’t hurt that Vice President Joe Biden has made one of his main goals “improving work and family balance,” which suggests to Lerner that “paid sick leave, paid maternity leave, and a real system of affordable, quality child care may soon see the light of day.”