Falling Off The Ladder: Do Women “Shoot Themselves In The Foot”?

ladder.jpgby Anna T. Collins, Esq. (Portland, Maine)

Women are employed at higher levels today than ever before, but some are still struggling to stay up at the top of the ladder of success. While experts agree that gender bias remains a force to be reckoned with, some say that women may have another enemy in the workplace: themselves.

Jo Miller, CEO of Women’s Leadership Coaching Inc. in California believes that the most rampant behaviors preventing women from breaking into positions of leadership include refusing to acknowledge or “play the game” of office politics, relinquishing power and influence, working when they should be schmoozing, accepting low-visibility assignments, and downplaying accomplishments.

Based upon discussions with several experts, these behaviors can be characterized as leading to two distinct outcomes: (1) decrease of women’s own authority and (2) women struggling to assimilate into the workplace culture.

Decrease Of Women’s Own Authority

Experts believe there are several ways in which women decrease their own authority. Andrea Kay (Andreakay.com), career consultant and author of “Work’s a B*** and Then You Make It Work: 6 Steps To Go From Pissed Off to Powerful,” says her women clients are concerned about “looking or sounding ‘b****y’.” To prevent such characterization, Kay explains that women qualify what they say before they offer their opinions. One of Kay’s clients would preface everything she said with “I don’t know if this is right” or “this may not be what you’re looking for, but…” Another client would provide too much detail when describing situations and problems. Kay explains that this behavior “drove her boss crazy; he just wanted her to get to the point.” Ultimately, Kay believes women who adopt these behaviors come across as tenuous and unsure of themselves: “One woman’s team noticed this, as well as her boss. It affected how they saw her as a leader. Her boss wasn’t sure she was ready to go to the next level of the organization; he didn’t think she could handle tough clients.”

Women were also noted by experts as more likely than men to use self-deprecating humor or openly express self-criticism. Debbie Mandel, M.A., stress management specialist and author of “Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life”, believes women commit self-sabotage when they “admit their faults, judge themselves rigorously, even use self-deprecating humor – which men don’t do because they are competitive and concerned with climbing the hierarchy”.

Margaret D. Smith, founder and CEO of Clean Green Studios, which designs green products with the world in mind, agrees that men are less likely to behave this way and has adopted a different approach over time. “When I first started,” she explains “I would mention my age and gender with a laugh, hoping the men would understand that the gender and age issues shouldn’t be an issue. The men would often shake their heads as if to say that they wanted to stay on task, talking about green design. As I grew in confidence, I stopped mentioning those issues that were hanging in the air, and they became less important.”
Some women believe men are less likely to self-criticize openly because they focus more on maintaining an image of expertise despite their own insecurities. “I don’t know if it’s bravado, arrogance, naïveté, self delusion or what,” says a senior female IT Consultant in Canada, “but men, no matter how incompetent, pass themselves off as experts. Women tend to be more self effacing and critical of themselves. Yet, at the end of the day, people believe the story you tell them, period, it’s really that simple.”

Experts believe that women also diminish their authority by apologizing excessively. According to John Kador author of “Effective Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges, and Restoring Trust”, sociology research confirms that women do so more than men. Career consultant Andrea Kay confirms she hears women apologizing for “every little thing, including things that they have no control over.” John Kador adds some women “preface what they say with comments such as ‘Sorry, this is probably wrong . . .’ or ‘I’m sorry, do I have this right . . .?’ or ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. . ‘” Kay and Kador agree that when apology becomes so reflexive, it undermines women because they come off as defensive and lacking confidence.

Andrea Kay also sees women “shooting themselves in the foot” in their communication. “Women aren’t declarative in their statements,” Kay explains “They speak with their sentences going up at the end – with a question mark – as if they’re putting an idea out there and want to see what you think, instead of ending with a period and meaning what they say.”

Women’s Struggle To Assimilate Into Workplace Culture

The second primary outcome of “shooting yourself in the foot” is an inability to assimilate into the workplace culture. Jo Miller recalls how the road to becoming a CEO started out bumpy. She got fired from her first job for what she describes as “not being mindful of office politics and failing to cultivate good working relationships with senior-leader sponsors.” In her current role, she sees women making that same mistake. “Smart talented women are passed over,” she explains “for failing to understand the ‘rules of engagement’ in their organization.”

According to Elizabeth Gordon, owner of Flourishing Business in Atlanta, the rules of engagement do not involve “classic female behaviors”. Gordon believes women weaken their power when they focus more on getting people to like them than on adding to the company’s bottom line. Gordon explains that “being overly nice to co-workers, wanting to take care of everyone at the office, always on the ready with an aspirin or tissue, organizing the birthday luncheon and passing around the card for everyone to sign” are all ways that women diminish their image as a serious businessperson.

Rather than being focused on getting people’s approval, the rules of engagement are more about building alliances and being “in the know”. As explained by workplace expert Jennifer Brown of Jennifer Brown Consulting in New York, once they are at the executive level women have to “quickly become a student of the environment – of all the coalitions, alliances, loyalties and rewards that swirl around the upper echelons of companies”. Brown believes that “It is critical that executive level women must be willing to jump into the environment where these significant conversations are happening, wherever they may occur. Getting out of the realm of what is comfortable and inserting yourself into a closed circle, whether on a golf course or in a closed room meeting over dinner is key. The most important thing at upper levels is to ‘be in the know’, be the first with information.”

Career coach John M. McKee agrees that seeking information is vital to understanding the rules of engagement. Based on his involvement in the hiring and firing of over 3,000 people, he believes that one of the most important ways women “shoot themselves in the foot” is when they fail to negotiate as hard as men. “When given an offer upon hiring,” McKee explains women are far more likely than man to accept the initial offer whereas men come back and ask “can’t we do a little better than that?” McKee explains that for men, talking about their salaries is a key component of interaction with peers. By failing to seek out the information they need, McKee believes women make their climb up the ladder steeper at all corporate levels.

Interestingly, the discussions with experts highlight the controversial role gender plays in what some view as women “shooting themselves in the foot”. McKee, for example, acknowledges that women’s behaviors may be mischaracterized as negative because they occur in a “masculine structure” now so prevalent in corporate America. While his book “21 Ways Women in Management Shoot Themselves in the Foot” analyzes these behaviors, McKee acknowledges that the notion of “shooting yourself in the foot” is far more real within the context of the male-dominated workplaces than in more matriarchic companies he sees being run by women. A deeper look at why women “shoot themselves in the foot” and whether they should have to stop is vital to grasping the full picture of what happens when women fall of the ladder and how they are able to get themselves back up.

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  2. Cynthia at PAR
    Cynthia at PAR says:

    I’m glad to see this topic explored, but I disagree with most of what is said in this article. It is true that many women apologize, act deferentially, and don’t play office politics, but the conclusion that is drawn from this — that therefore women can’t get ahead and are to blame for their failure to advance — is not true. Even in this day and age, women who act as the experts quoted in this article recommend are not going to get ahead because they will be viewed as bitchy, ball-busting, and cold. Women have to walk in a very thin median between being too feminine and not feminine enough, and if they fall to either side, they are punished. It is the same-old, same-old: liked but not respected, or respected but not liked. And, as everyone knows, you need to be both respected and liked to get ahead if you’re a woman.

    When women apologize or hold back and let another take the lead, they may well be acting in the way they perceive as being most accepted by their audience. So, let’s not blame the women. They are trying to fit in to a male-dominated culture, and as long as that culture is not changing, they are going to have difficulty. Accepting that culture as a given and trying to make the women act more like men is not the answer.

    Changing the culture takes some doing. As the experts in this article suggest, women need to take steps toward asserting themselves, but they need a culture in which they can do so safely. So, at the same time the women are trying to find ways to be both authoritative and accepted by their colleagues and superiors, workplaces need to raise awareness of the gender dynamics at play and need to put measures in place to act as a check on bias. We spend a lot of time at PAR studying these dynamics and creating practical, business-based measures to diminish bias in law firms.

    Research shows that having more women in high positions tends to lessen the effects of bias and widens the median in which women can operate. With some work and a bit of luck, debates like this one will become irrelevant. Until then, though, let’s not blame the women — it demoralizes the women, lets employers off the hook, and doesn’t focus our energies where they really need to be.

  3. Grace Judson
    Grace Judson says:

    Cynthia is exactly right, although I call the process “Walking the High Wire” because it is, as Cynthia says, a very fine line – and it’s a LONG way down on either side.

    When women don’t negotiate, are too conciliatory, play the “mom” role, and so forth – all actions that are described in the article – they’re usually viewed as not strong enough, not decisive enough, and are passed over for promotions.

    On the other hand, when they come across with power and conviction, they can very often be considered, as Cynthia says, bitchy, ball-busting, and cold. One of my clients was told by her manager that she should “be nicer”!

    There is no easy way out, because the rules that govern gender behavior are far too ingrained to change overnight, or even over decades. However, when a woman understands the various behavior patterns that she and others around her may fall into, as well as understanding the larger context of the corporate culture in which she’s working, then she at least has tools to *see* what’s happening and *adjust* her behavior accordingly.

    It’s not easy, and it’s not “fair,” but it *can* improve.

    Thanks for this interesting article and the opportunity to discuss such a crucial topic!