Want a Mr. Mom at Home?
This week’s post on the Wall Street Journal’s blog The Juggler, entitled A Father’s Decision to Stay Home, provoked an impassioned discussion. The posting referred to an article in Men’s Vogue this month in which award-winning New York Times correspondent Charlie LeDuff discussed his decision to give up his career (at least temporarily) and be a stay at home dad. Mr. LeDuff shared some words of advice he received: “You have to decide if the child is more important than the stature, the action, the money. If she is, you must accept it and get on with the routine.”
While women have heard variations on this theme since the beginning of time, it’s only recently that men have considered the option of being a stay at home dad. While Mr. LeDuff says that he eventually wants to return to work for the income as well as the personal fulfillment it brings, the author raises an interesting point. He asks, “Should every parent, finances permitting, spend some extended time devoted entirely to child rearing?”
Explosive responses ran the gamut from a New York Working Mom who was happy with her family’s decision to have her husband stay home with her children so she could pursue her career full time, to some mothers who agreed with the idea that a stranger could not give the same kind of love to a child that a parent could, to people who thought that Mr. LeDuff was just lazy and should go back to work.
For women in finance, the idea of a stay at home husband can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, having a partner who will put your career ahead of his own can allow you to live the dream of having a great family and a successful career, and make it look much more effortless than your struggling counterparts with working spouses. Most women in finance who have worked in the sector long enough have a shot at earning a high enough income to provide for a family, so financial pressures might not be prohibitive, depending on where you are at in your career when this decision is made. Having a supportive partner at home to help with child-care can be a huge advantage to women as they rise through the ranks and other women leave the work force or cut back on hours for family reasons.
On the other hand, having a partner who doesn’t work can breed tensions in the relationship, as some men might feel that being “Mr. Mom” is emasculating, and take it out on their partner in other aspects of the relationship. Furthermore, women in this position might feel vulnerable to social criticism about their lack of maternal instincts, or wish they were able to spend more time at home, despite their power careers. Additionally, not everyone in finance is as well off as they might like to be (think student loan debt and living the high life as a young analyst), and dropping down to one income can put pressure on a new family.
Finally, more is often expected of women who are the primary breadwinners in their families, on both the work and the home front. In the office, co-workers know that the “lucky” woman has a stay at home spouse, which breeds resentment and expectations of an increased workload. After a hard day at work, the working mom might come home to a husband who wants her to show her appreciation by cooking dinner and putting the kids to bed. My friend K. calls this the “bring home the bacon and fry it up too” mentality.
We would like to hear about our readers’ experiences. Do you have a Mr. Mom at home? Do you wish you did? Or did you make the opposite decision to take a break from your career so your spouse could get ahead?
